Hey Everyone,
Sorry had to fly to Moscow and deliver a hard drive of done editing, and subtitling, and pick up another one. God will this never end who said 5k raw format was a good idea to shoot with? Just got back to my internet.
I want thank the committee for the accolades. Humor, especially, that of a linguistic nature is rarely appreciated in this modern world of Benny Hill ESC Memes.
A story with the acceptance speech, just what kind of a person do you think I am? I am liberal but not a slut! Besides relationships such as we are talking about are rare. I got no more real stinking bear or tiger stories. There was this seal one time at scuba camp.....
BUT, the Bard must preform if requested. (It is part of the Bardic rules of engagement, I think page seven under damsels, distress, and don't)
Keith (yes my ever present, and incredibly resilient, hiking partner) and I had worked all summer. We had earned some pretty serious cash, for 16 year old boys, and wanted a real adventure. We had two weeks before our final year of school started.
I suggested going up to Knights Inlet on the west coast and hiking the Kliniklean River valley to the Tweedsmuir glacier. The source of the river. Keith never asked if it was dangerous. He just asked how much it would cost, and so off we went. Three ferries and two days later we found ourselves in the remote fishing village of Knights Inlet and negotiating with a local native man to take us by boat to the point the river dumped out into the Pacific Ocean.
"Lots of bears in that area and they will all be down by the beach fishing." The man said, between beers. "My ancestors call that the valley of no return, and spirits are said to haunt the forest."
"The bears concern me but I am sure the spirits will leave two white boys alone." I said in response.
"Be at my boat slip at 10 and I will take you there. You look at the bear issue and decide. A hundred bucks to take you and fifty more if you decide to come back"
"OK, see you at 10 in the morning." We confirm the time an leave the bar before the local RCMP do a walk through. Drinking laws in remote areas are lax but we didn't want to push it as I had decided to take my little defender shot gun and it was just stuffed into my pack.
The morning sun was truly glorious and turned the sea water emerald green between the mainland and the island. Gulls called, trumpeting the start to our adventure and Keith and I made our way down to the docks, and a favorite local breakfast spot, for our last sit down meal before this ten day journey. We felt like Bilbo and Frodo setting off on a grand adventure.
Our Ships Captain was sitting at the long community table talking with other seafaring Captains about the conditions to be expected on our voyage, or so we thought. He hardly acknowledged us. We ate and went over our supply list one more time to make sure we had everything we needed. We wrote our names and information down on a piece of paper and put a line on a back up map showing our intended route to the Glacier. This we would drop off at the local RCMP office on the way to the boat slip. This was indeed a grand adventure and Keith and I were excited.
The sea frothed white trailed behind our grand ship. The reality it was 16 feet long and chugged black diesel from a loud and questionable twin cylinder engine was not lost on us; but, we both ignored reality. Instead we lit two Colt (wine dipped) cigars and stared past the foredeck, towards destiny.
We made the turn into the river delta and towards the end of the sea journey and the land. Here There Be Bears. The whole area was covered with large brown bears fishing little areas. Keith and I looked at each other and noticed a smile creep across the face of the native man.
"Should I turn around boys?" The tone said it was hardly a question.
To my surprise Keith spoke. "Nah we're good, nose it in over there and hit the horn. Let em know we're coming and we won't surprise anybody."
Blinking, I looked at Keith thinking he is really got his butt caught up in this grand adventure thing. "Hey buddy, you sure? There is like at least fifty bears between here and the bush."
Smiling in a way that for the first time made me question my friends sanity. "We got this. Get the shotgun out just in case."
As the boat picked it's way past the submerged trees towards the foreign landing I pulled the shotgun out of my pack and cycled one into the chamber. "Keith I got like two blanks loaded and then a buckshot, followed by two SSG."
The boat's nose touched the shore and Keith launched himself over the rail. "Then don't miss."
I followed my friend, for the only reason he was my friend. The line from Coppalla's film echoing in my head. "Never get out of the boat."
The journey to the tree-line was beautifully anticlimactic. We followed a small stream and gave the three bears we encountered a wide berth and they paid us no attention what so ever. It was like we didn't exist. We walked as if we were the ghosts of the ancestors our Captain had told us about. Not a bear in the world, as small as our world had shrank, even looked at us. At the tree line we toasted our success with a shot of brandy I had and pulled out the map and our silva ranger compasses to take bearings.
Nightfall close we came into a small clearing. The game trail we had found was tight. So tight we had to, at times, take off our packs to pass. This 'clearing was little more than ten feet square, but it was level. The darkness came and our black spiked coffee, helped ease the ache we both felt in our legs. We said nothing, enjoying the last of the fresh made bannock and hot coffee. The small fire cast shadows on the old fir trees more than it cast light. It wasn't cold but I was chilled. I comforted myself it was probably the sweat on my damp shirt.
Both of us said "What" at the same time. Looking at each other across the fire it must have been like a mirror. Both faces questioning but only seen by one. I spoke first. "I thought you said something?"
"Me too. I thought you said; who is it." Keith answered.
"The wind I said." I didn't tell him I thought he had said the same thing.
"I am getting cold, should we put up the tent or just crash under the tarp?" Keith asked pulling out his sleeping bag.
"Tarps fine I think." I answered doing the same.
The morning serenade of birds, joined the sunlight and woke us both from a deep sleep. A deep and troubled sleep that saw me battling ferocious brown bears with an empty rifle. Keith's expertly made camp coffee chased away the morning chill and the mists of dreams. We separately checked our position on the map and then conferred our findings. It was a habit we adopted after getting lost more then once following someone else. Both our triangulations were within the margin of error and in the same grid square. We set off.
"You have weird dreams?" Keith asked.
"Not really weird, considering, just dreams about getting killed by bears." I pushed my pack first through the narrowing trees.
"Yeah me too. I guess you're right. Walking that beach was stress city." Keith said following my progress.
The progress was like this for nine days. A forest so dense it was unbelievable. We went higher up to ridge lines that should provide a sparser forest and found nothing but cliffs that plunged into the river valley below. The nights brought little comfort. The nightmares continued for both of us, each night. The morning found us tired and we were both getting hollows under our eyes form the lack of a quiet nights rest. We were behind schedule. If our pace remained the same we would run out of food in three days and both our estimates said we had seven more to go.
On the ninth night both of us we awoken at 0233 hours.
"You awake?" I asked looking at the glow of the new Rolex watch my uncle had left for me when he died.
"Yeah. What the hell was that sound?"
Before I could ask; what sound. I heard it.
WHAAINK
It sounded like like a bird crossed with a pig. Or perhaps more like a duck start and a pig sucking helium finish. Whatever it was it was above us.
WHHHHAAAAIIIINNNKKK. Came the sound louder, as the trees we were sleeping under moved and dropped pines.
"Have you heard that before?" Keith asked, and I heard the panic as it crept into his voice.
"No. But like I am not like wildlife willy."
"Shoot it."
"What?"
WWHHHAANINKKK
"Shoot the shotgun up at it. It will take off. I don't need this added bullshit, I got to sleep." Panic and desperation swirling in the words as they came out.
Both of us were lying in our warm mummy bags and I zipped mine down, retrieved my headlamp turned it on, and reached for the shotgun. I cycled the weapon and removed the blank rounds. I looked up into the tall tree and the weak lights beam showed me nothing. I pointed up and at a slight rearward angle, up the mountain. I slipped the safety off and fired.
BOOOMMM!!!
The sound bounced off the canyon walls. It was unbelievably loud in the previous dark silence.
"Ouch, Oh F#$K, get it off me?" The words came from my right and confused I looked toward Keith.
"I looked to my right and saw Keith being attacked by a brown hairy spider. Oddly misshapen legs gripped him as the huge brown body sat squarely on his chest, encased in the red mummy bag.
I rolled, left and a few times, to get out of my bag. A death grip on the shotgun would not let me slip from the bag normally. I came to one knee and cycled the weapon. Looking at Keith and the giant spider. I knew the SSG loaded shot round would hit them both. It was better than dying from a giant spider bite right?
My headlamp had been moved in the rolling escape from my cocoon. I took my left hand and fixed my light, I need a good sight picture. I looked at my friend and saw him sit to battle the hairy spider. Then I saw the quills
The legs, became branches, that had followed the animals fall from the tree.
My giant spider was revealed to be a twenty pound porcupine.
Keith was still in trouble and pain. The animal was dead.
I grabbed Keith's big maglight and made daylight. I removed the porcupine with the fire stick and got Keith into a semi sitting position.
"What the hell?" Keith said when he caught his breath.
"Porcupine." I stated as if these ravenous creatures were well known for jumping on hikers in the middle of the night.
"How the hell did you hit it?"
"Lucky, I guess"
"Yeah really fu$%ING lucky"
I spent the next hour making a fire, boiling water, and pulling quills out of Keiths arms and cheek. I noticed odd chest expansion and figured he had a broken ribs as well. Sometime during the next five days it took us to limp out of our grand adventure I told Keith my side of the events.
After a long time he said. "Well, if I ever do get attacked by a spider that big and you have a shotgun, pull the trigger. A quick death has to be better than what a giant monster spider has to offer. Just make real sure it is a giant monster spider, OK?"
"OK"
