so i told my mom

[neovenus]

I told my mom what i was thinking of doing, you know going on the road and leaving convention behind.  

She was very vocal about it.  I knew she would be.  But somehow I now feel very stupid, for a. telling her and b. even considering this drastic change in the first place.  

I still want to do it.  But she made sure to tell me I'm closing in on 40 and not young and spry anymore, and mostly old people do it and they have medicare so it's easier for them.  

she said i can't just be all la di da like some young person. like i'm some naive fool.  

and she said she won't help me if i get stuck in the desert, and i can't pick the hairstyles i want anymore or get anymore tattoos because i have to get a real job.  (i currently stay at home so these things don't matter so much)

I realize there is a wealth of information on this website and elsewhere to get me prepared.  I'm not worried about any of that.

I guess I am just venting.  I knew she would hate the idea but she had a much stronger opinion than i thought.

 

[tx2sturgis]

Wow.


Control issues.

What she probably meant to say, but didn't have the ability or the honesty to say, might have been something like this:

"I will miss you greatly and if you do this it will feel like I'm losing you, and losing control of you.

I need you here to fullfill MY needs."

I don't know her so I may be completely wrong.

But in any event, you have some tough decisions to make. Good luck.

 

[neovenus]

we are pretty close. she isn't controlling. she just worries and thinks this is setting me up for failure. she worries about my safety and health mostly i think.

 

[Thirsty Boots Nomad]

There are several resources supporting the wide range of people (of all ages/economics/etc.) successfully living this lifestyle; let us know if/when you want suggestions to share with your mother (and anyone else) to help educate her to calm her fears.

 

[neovenus]

i would love to find an online job doing something with some steady income.  that would probably make her feel much better.  i have looked around and i haven't found anything i am qualified for yet.  but i haven't been looking long so i will keep trying.

 

[WalkaboutTed]

We all need "La di da" in our lives!

I think I saw another poster saying something about rotting in her bedroom. Is that applicable to you?

If you're out in the desert, likely someone from the tribe will be around to lend a hand, because, as a newbie, you probably won't be solo boondocking very remotely. Mum is just trying to scare you into submission.

If you're not working and putting away money for retirement, and if you're living in your vehicle, life should be pretty cheap, so even a low wage job willl do. A stable retirement is no guarantee, I've seen my patients with hundreds of thousands of dollars lose it all quickly, even before retirement, just because of a significant health event. All that working, scrimping and saving for nothing. So who is smarter? And really, to be honest with yourself, what are the chances that you're gonna get a killer, high paying job at this point in your life? What are your waiting for?

If you're the only child left at home, your mother is more concerned about HER loneliness than your happiness. Do you owe her the best part of your life (now!), after having already given her 40 years? Do you want to be a dependent child until she dies? That's what she wants, you know. It's time for her to grow up, by letting you.

Sorry to be so blunt. Its your turn. This is YOUR life. You go girl!
Teddi

 

[neovenus]

Actually i own a house and dont live with her.

 

[ValerieP]

I agree, you need to do what is best for you. If my grown sons had their way, I wouldn't retire until I was too old to enjoy the freedom. Although I've mentioned that I only want to work 2 more years, they told me I should work 5. It's my life, I'm preparing, and I'll work until I don't want to anymore. If you can take care of yourself, do so, which also means that you get to make the decisions that determine your path in life. I took care of both of my parents, and was not often more than an hour away until they passed, but it doesn't sound like that is your situation.

 

[lenny flank]

Is there some reason why you need her permission to do what you want.....?

 

[cyndi]

Here's a great thread with lots of wisdom , questions and answers on this subject

https://vanlivingforum.com/showthread.php?tid=1664

 

[neovenus]

Is there some reason why you need her permission to do what you want.....?

I suppose not. Lol

 

[WalkaboutTed]

Sorry to have made assumptions. I was looking at it from my life-my sons keep boomeranging home. Just when I think I've gotten rid of them, another comes back. My (and the puppy's) permanent departure is in eight days-finally! And I'm leaving Hubby and #4 son (25) to deal with selling the house. Well, I'm leaving Hubby permanently, too, to be precise. If I waited for them to be ready, I'll never get out of here. I understand where you're coming from. I'm 57, I've dragged my kids all over the US (24 moves since #1 marriage) and I've done my motherly duty. I'm sure you have done your daughterly duty, too.

If you're already on your own, give your mother your cell # and email. If she truly concerned about reaching you 100% of the time, and your being able to get help 24/7 in the middle of nowhere, get something like a Delorme inReach or a satellite phone. A cheap solution compared to being "stuck" for the rest of her life, just because she's ostensibly "worried for your safety".
Ted

 

[neovenus]

Sorry to have made assumptions.  I was looking at it from my life-my sons keep boomeranging home. 

Lol its cool. The last time i lived with my mom was about 8 years ago.  I moved in to help with my dad who had dementia. Then i took my special needs sister out of the group home setting and became her fulltime caregiver. I live with her and my husband in our own place currently. 

I have been a caregiver for 8 years and it is starting to wear on me. I love her to pieces and feel super guilty about wanting something different. 

Surprisingly my mother isnt upset about the caregiving part. She knows i couldnt do it forever. 

She is mad about living in a van. Lol she was griping and i told her to gibe me a break because i havent done anything yet.

I said would you disown me and she said of course not. I wanted to explain to her all that i have learned so far and that i think i can make a good go of it but i got stressed out and told her it was just an idea i wasnt sure of and said maybe i will get over it soon.

I have no doubt she is talking to all of my sisters behind my back about how ridiculous this seems. (We always talk to each other about one of the others. Unhealthy i know but it is what it is)

 

[SoulRaven]

I have no doubt she is talking to all of my sisters behind my back about how ridiculous this seems. (We always talk to each other about one of the others. Unhealthy i know but it is what it is)

Well, I'm going to assume that you would not have brought this up in this forum, unless you wanted support for making the change.  If you truly just want to vent, you probably chose the wrong audience.    Because as you have already seen/read, we are most likely NOT going to side with your Mom.

I have allowed people in the past to talk me out of doing things I know I should do.  *I* have to accept responsibility for that, not them.  I made the choice, not them.  If you allow your Mom to talk you out of doing this , you made the choice, not her.  

I know this sounds harsh, and I apologize for that.  But I'm going off of my own personal experience.  And there are so many women on this site who are ready and willing to support you.  I know that, because I've paid attention while being here.  I'm definitely a guy, but have a lot of respect for the women in this community.  

My $0.02:  listen to what the women have to say.  I believe you will be glad you did.

Patrick

 

[closeanuf]

What does your husband think of the idea?  Is he going with you or could you be wanting to leave him too?  You mentioned him only in passing and your mother seems to be your primary concern.  Your mother does have control issues.  And, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.

 

[Wabbit]

Whenever my mum gets to nosy or intrusive, I just start calling her by her first name until she knocks it off. Then I revert to calling her "Mom" again. Is that "mature" or "healthy"? Don't know, don't care. It is fun though...

 

[jimindenver]

I will side with your mom on one thing. You can't just be all la de da out here. You are not being forced into the lifestyle so take your time to get ready and be set up for life on the road. Every bit of energy spent learning what you need to know, collecting the gear and building on your rig will improve your life out here ten fold. You can learn how to not be dependent because you will know where to go and what to do. There is a wealth of info here and on you tube that covers damn near every possible aspect of our lifestyle, take advantage of it.

Other than that parents are always wary of the unconventional when it comes to their kids.

 

[neovenus]

What does your husband think of the idea?  Is he going with you or could you be wanting to leave him too?  You mentioned him only in passing and your mother seems to be your primary concern.  Your mother does have control issues.  And, the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.

Husband is on board. The only thing we disagree on is when to do it. 

I do have control issues. Lol i think it stems from anxiety but my husband has helped me learn that i dont need to be in control that i should let things happen naturally.

 

[neovenus]

I have allowed people in the past to talk me out of doing things I know I should do.  *I* have to accept responsibility for that, not them.  I made the choice, not them.  If you allow your Mom to talk you out of doing this , you made the choice, not her.  

I know this sounds harsh, and I apologize for that.  But I'm going off of my own personal experience.  

Patrick

I totally agree. I am responsible for my own life.

 

[tx2sturgis]

Do you wanna borrow my shirt that says:

"I LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!"

You could wear it around the house so they all get used to the idea...