Relationships with non-nomads

[mothercoder]

WTF now?!?

My plans to retire and live on the road have been in the works for some time now.  If not for a shoulder injury in March I would have been gone by now. 

I have also been in an on again/off again relationship with a man for the last 6 years.  In every way imaginable he is my soulmate and I honestly never thought I would meet someone like him this late in life.  However, because of issues from his past, he has a true fear of commitment and failure.  The failure part makes no sense to me because this is a man who is a successful entrepreneur, raised a daughter single-handedly for the last 5 years after the mom moved to another area (daughter is now a college freshman), handled diagnosis of diabetes and other health issues like a boss.  He does have a point when it comes to me that he has never known when I would leave for good.  I've tried many times to get my most important needs met and when they didn't, I walked away...only to come back usually with the idea that a little bit of something wonderful is better than none at all.  

I would love to be able to stay and be with this man.  Traveling on the road can happen any time...relationships like this don't happen often.  But in order to do so, some of my needs have to be fulfilled.  Nope, I don't require a ring.  I have been single for the last 25 years and I like my independence.  Perhaps at some point I would like to consider living together but that's negotiable.  What I want is a man who is ready to meet my family, have me meet his and act as if we are a couple.  I'd like to spend some weekends and holidays together, plan trips together and basically know that I have a future with him.  So far he's been unable to do that.  But we recently had a heart to heart and it seems that he wants to fight for us.  That's not typical.  In the past he's been ready to let me go when I want to go.  Of course, we always drift back but when we have it's been with the understanding that he still feels the same.  This time is different.  This time there appears to be compromise and he's actually thinking about his and our future.  Perhaps brought on by the daughter leaving home which lessens his responsibilities and made him realize that he doesn't really like having so much alone time. 

Add to the mix that my youngest son who lives in this area is having his first child, my first grandchild, in December.  He wont' be leaving the area for a couple of years.  He's finishing his bachelor's degree (1 more year to go) and then he plans to get his Master's degree.  His academic area and military background will make him highly competitive for a position with the federal government and those jobs are most easily had here in the DC Metro area.  So although most of my family is out west, I do have a strong tie here besides my SO. 

So for now it seems best that things are one day at a time.  Continue to save as much as possible for the RV and retirement.  See what happens with him and whether he's truly ready to find some compromise that allows both our needs to be met.  My lease is up in June 2018 and that's when I planned on leaving.  If things are still good with us at that time, I'd consider finding a smaller place to live so I can continue to save OR so I can go ahead and retire and maybe supplement my income with a part-time job (I'm very much over the full-time corporate drag).  This with the idea of continuing to live separately but spending more time together and seeing what happens.  I could also still consider getting an RV and doing some vacation and weekend travel.  The lifestyle isn't something I think he'd enjoy and he's the type who would tell me to go, have fun and he'll see me when I get back. 

And that's where things are at:  basically planning two different lifestyle scenarios and having no idea what my future holds.  That isn't something I enjoy -- I like to plan my life and know what's coming.  However, I've invested too much time, been through too much with this man and care more deeply than I have about any man I've had in my life that I can't just walk away without giving it a chance.

 

[WalkaboutTed]

"What I want is a man who is ready to meet my family, have me meet his and act as if we are a couple. I'd like to spend some weekends and holidays together, plan trips together and basically know that I have a future with him. So far he's been unable to do that."

I'm going to go way out on a limb here. Are you sure he isn't married? Maybe I'm paranoid, but these symptoms sometimes fit the diagnosis of "married but I want to maintain the status quo" just a thought that occurred to me.
Ted

 

[mothercoder]

Definitely not.  I always vet people I meet and as a paralegal I have some easier access to public databases that allow me to check marriage and divorce records.  Also, I've been to his place many times.  No evidence of anyone other than a teenage daughter in residence.

 

[jimindenver]

I have only been on the road since the first of the year, so maybe I am not qualified to respond. I did have a brief hint of a relationship and it made me realize that either I needed to find someone with a mobile mind set or one of us was going to have to change our life a lot. Otherwise asking some little cutie to live in a trailer out in the middle of no where not to mention the whole poop in a bucket thing might just be a wee bit too much to ask for. As for me, it will take a lot to get me to stop being mobile. I spent a lifetime putting others before me. I spent a great deal of time, money and effort making it so that I could do this for myself.

Speaking of asking. Have you had the discussion of him tagging along? It sounds like you will be returning to the area. He could try it out and not have to change his life to do so. I any event I think you should set a level of comfort before your lease is up. By then you should know what his intentions are.

 

[sreesekelley]

So if you hadn't injured your shoulder in March you would have been gone ...

Is this the answer you seek?

 

[mothercoder]

I have only been on the road since the first of the year, so maybe I am not qualified to respond. I did have a brief hint of a relationship and it made me realize that either I needed to find someone with a mobile mind set or one of us was going to have to change our life a lot. Otherwise asking some little cutie to live in a trailer out in the middle of no where not to mention the whole poop in a bucket thing might just be a wee bit too much to ask for. As for me, it will take a lot to get me to stop being mobile. I spent a lifetime putting others before me. I spent a great deal of time, money and effort making it so that I could do this for myself.

Speaking of asking. Have you had the discussion of him tagging along? It sounds like you will be returning to the area. He could try it out and not have to change his life to do so. I any event I think you should set a level of comfort before your lease is up. By then you should know what his intentions are.

Yes to returning to the area so long as my son lives here. I have to be a continuing part of he and my grandson's life. 

And yes, we've talked about whether he would be interested in such a lifestyle. He's curious. Up until this week he worked almost solely from home as a graphic artist. But now that husband daughter is in college, he's taken on a full-time in house position so that he has guaranteed income.  If his interest is there enough, I might be able to convince him to take a short trip as a try as long as it is to some destination he'd be excited to cycle. LOL But I don't have a rig yet and won't be in a position to get one until April. But maybe if things are going well next spring we can give it a shot. Bottom line though, he will remain here for the next 4 years. 

I know this man well. If I said "this will be my home base but I want to go on monthly trips every 4 months" he would completely support that and be waiting for me when I get back.

 

[Zardor]

It sounds like you already have your answer. You will stay and make small trips to feed your nomadic side. There's nothing wrong with that. Do you really need to be on the road full time to be happy? I say as long as you can afford to do both, do it. If you do have to make a choice then do what your heart is asking you to do. I find being on the road lonesome - I'm not sure I could bare doing it if I had unrealized romantic issues lingering over my head. The temptation to run back would be overwhelming distracting.

 

[tx2sturgis]

Buy a Class C and tow his car behind it. You both travel together in the RV, pulling the toad. Comforts of home, already built in. 

He travels with you, adventures await, then if the mood strikes, or things don't work out, he can unhook the car, and head for home. Best of both worlds!

Later on, he could rejoin you again and travel as a couple if you both want that.

Logistically speaking, this might work. Financially, well, only YOU know that answer.

 

[mothercoder]

Buy a Class C and tow his car behind it. You both travel together in the RV, pulling the toad. Comforts of home, already built in. 

He travels with you, adventures await, then if the mood strikes, or things don't work out, he can unhook the car, and head for home. Best of both worlds!

Later on, he could rejoin you again and travel as a couple if you both want that.

Logistically speaking, this might work. Financially, well, only YOU know that answer.

Unfortunately, even if he were interested (and I don't think this would ever be his thing - he admires me for wanting to do it but I can tell he has zero interest), he can't leave the area.  He has to stay in MD to maintain residency so that his daughter can get in-state tuition.  I suppose there are ways around that but I don't think he can earn enough on the road to handle the tuition.  He went from entrepreneurial to full-time corporate job just this week for that reason.  And honestly I don't see him leaving the area while his daughter is still here. 

So him traveling with me?  Highly unlikely for so many reasons.

 

[mothercoder]

It sounds like you already have your answer. You will stay and make small trips to feed your nomadic side. There's nothing wrong with that. Do you really need to be on the road full time to be happy? I say as long as you can afford to do both, do it. If you do have to make a choice then do what your heart is asking you to do. I find being on the road lonesome - I'm not sure I could bare doing it if I had unrealized romantic issues lingering over my head. The temptation to run back would be overwhelming distracting.

Here's the deal:  if I stay in this area and want to do any travel, I have to keep working full-time.  I very very much don't want to do that anymore.  It's killing my soul.  I'm tired.  I've been a single parent since my youngest was less than a year old and I've been working and going to school for all these years.  I've had enough.  Time to do something I enjoy.  

The only way I could stay here is to semi-retire by taking SS and working part-time.  That would bring in enough for me to have a small apartment and pay my expenses.  It would not give me enough to travel. 

This is how I came to find the concept of being a nomad in the first place.  I must have googled something about being able to travel on SS and came up with CRVL.  I can two different types of life-styles:  I can be a nomad and travel the US, Canada and Mexico.  Or I can move to a less expensive place and maybe take a few short trips.  If I do move, I would likely settle in the Carson Valley area where my sister lives and is a day's drive from my oldest son.  A lot to do in that area for a day or weekend or week long trip and it's MUCH more affordable than the DC area. 

I do not see this guy ever wanting to be a nomad or living in the western US.  Most likely he will either stay and work for the next 12 years (he's 10 years younger than I am) or he will move back home to Trinidad when his daughter graduates college.  Not sure I would want to move to Trinidad.

 

[Wabbit]

Hi Mothercoder, not gonna tell you anything you don't already know, just a reminder\refresher. Make yourself happy\content. I go for being content, but most times its the same thing as happy. If I'm content, I'm happy. On your death bed(not going for depressing, just reality), its just gonna be you. Do what you can to make that transition as regretless(is that a word?) as possible. You take care of you and let others take care of themselves. So...love yourself enough to trust yourself and love others enough to trust them to take care of themselves. I guess what I am saying is, get your ass to where you want and keep the angst to a minimum! So...see you on the road? Be brave and take care!

 

[tripper]

Ask your friend if he would be ok with a part time partner. Travel part time and stay with him part time. Ask if he would be ok with you living with him when you are not traveling. Maybe do a 3 month on/off traveling schedule. Doesn't hurt to ask. I am in an almost identical situation myself, and no I haven't resolved it yet. I personally know that I will travel, if my partner wants to come along, great, if not I will just see them when I am not traveling, as either a gf or just a friend. I intend on 9 months a year traveling.

 

[mothercoder]

Hi Mothercoder, not gonna tell you anything you don't already know, just a reminder\refresher. Make yourself happy\content. I go for being content, but most times its the same thing as happy. If I'm content, I'm happy. On your death bed(not going for depressing, just reality), its just gonna be you. Do what you can to make that transition as regretless(is that a word?) as possible. You take care of you and let others take care of themselves. So...love yourself enough to trust yourself and love others enough to trust them to take care of themselves. I guess what I am saying is, get your ass to where you want and keep the angst to a minimum! So...see you on the road? Be brave and take care!

Very solid advice.  I will be honest and say that being a nomad hasn't been a lifelong dream but a bug that bit me when I started researching viable ways to have a happy retirement.  I have made many (most) decisions in the past based on my responsibilities to others - mostly my sons.  I ended up moving to Maryland in the early 90's because this is where their father lived and I felt they needed to be close to their dad.  How he handled it (he basically fucked it up and now the oldest won't talk to him or see him) was up to him.  But I made the decision to be here even when I would rather have been out west.  I am finally at a point in my life where the only person I'm responsible for is myself. 

Yes, the bf is responsible for his own happiness.  I don't know what that looks like for him.  We have to have that discussion but it has to be done face-to-face.  I know he's always been a one day at a time kind of guy because that's what he needed to function.  I don't know if he's looking ahead to the future more than he has in the past.  I am getting that impression from him but I'm not pushing the question until we can sit and talk about it. 

All I can say is I'm seeing a change in him and I want to find out what that means and how it will look.  In nearly 6 years we have never spent a weekend together.  In my mind, that's really one of the initial steps we need to make to see how things go.  Maybe we can't tolerate one another more than 12 hours at a time.  LOL  He has always acted as though a weekend together was a possibility but he never planned.  I've tried to plan in the past but something always "came up."  The change I see?  Last night he said he will plan a weekend for us in DC after he returns from a business trip toward the end of the month.  This is a big deal...if he follows through. 

So I've decided I'm at one day at time.  I'm trusting that he's doing the head work on what he wants and what compromises he can make while I'm doing the same over here.  Then we will talk and see how close we are.  If we are close, then I'm going to give it a shot and not bolt the minute that something isn't perfect.  Impatience is my middle name and I need to change that. 

Content and/or happy can be achieved many ways for me.  Working less is important to me so I have to figure that out.  I get no joy from it.  I never found a career I loved.  It's always been a way to pay the bills.  And I have no interest in trying to embark on a new career at this point in my life.  I just want to do things that bring me joy.  I've started a new hobby that I want to spend more time on.  Don't care if it's a money-maker or not.  I would like to travel and see my family more often.  I'd be happy getting the cargo trailer and doing some short trips.  Let's see if I really love it or not.  But it all happens a day at a time right now without crossing any possibility off the list.

 

[mothercoder]

Ask your friend if he would be ok with a part time partner. Travel part time and stay with him part time. Ask if he would be ok with you living with him when you are not traveling. Maybe do a 3 month on/off traveling schedule. Doesn't hurt to ask. I am in an almost identical situation myself, and no I haven't resolved it yet.  I personally know that I will travel, if my partner wants to come along, great, if not I will just see them when I am not traveling, as either a gf or just a friend. I intend on 9 months a year traveling.

Personally I am not ready to live with him.  But I do want to know if he would be open to that in the future.  That would be one of my questions for him.  If he thinks that he could do that, it would be something for the future.  Realistically even if we were both ready, that wouldn't happen now because we are each on a lease.  It would make things easier for me financially but even if it's not a possibility in the next 1-2 years, that's not a deal breaker for me.  If I can afford it, keeping separate residences is okay with me.  Don't want to freak him out too much.  LOL  Baby steps. 

As to the traveling, I feel 100% confident he would be okay with me traveling part time.  He might actually prefer it because that would give him plenty of time on his own.  We are both very protective of our alone time.  I cherish being able to do what I want when I want and I know he feels the same.  I would just have to figure out how the finances would shake out staying in this area.  Even a studio basement apartment would cost me $800-1000 per month.  My SS alone would not be enough for all my expense so I would have to supplement with part-time work.  Would I be able to find a job where I could leave for a month at a time?  I don't know.  I suppose there's always temp jobs but not sure how many of those exist for someone my age.  If I could find temp work I would probably be limited to working 2 weeks per month so I don't get my SS taken away.  That would give me sufficient income to pay my expenses and have some left for traveling when I want to.  And honestly, the job I'm doing now could be reduced to PT and I'd still be able to get everything done.  I'm just not sure they would agree to it and I'm not sure how time off would work.  I want more than 3 weeks of vacation per year. 

Sorry...typing out loud as it were.  So yes, he'd be amenable to me traveling.  Don't know if he'd be amenable to living together and that's not a deal breaker for me if I'm able to afford a place on my own doing what I want to do.  The future can have many different looks.

 

[Almost There]

Instead of planning on renting an apartment/room/whatever or even considering living with someone that you haven't ever even spent a weekend with in the past 6 years, maybe consider finding an RV/campsite near to where he lives that you could rent on a monthly basis while you're in his neighborhood.

It would give you the low cost of living that you need to maintain your freedom at the same time as giving you (and him) the autonomy of separate living quarters.

 

[mothercoder]

Good in theory but this is the D.C. Metro area. The RV/campsites within comfortable driving distance are around $75/night and some aren't open in the winter.  I once researched the potential of getting my rig before retirement to try and save money and none of the places I contacted offer a reduced monthly rate. So getting a studio as a home base would be far less expensive in this area.

 

[Thirsty Boots Nomad]

What do you consider a comfortable driving distance? Seems like I remember people on one of the podcasts I listen to talking about rearranging their travel plans to take advantage of the reduced monthly rates available when they wanted to originally visit D.C.; I think the campgrounds they talked about were about 60 -90 minutes from the city but still had access from the cg to the metro system. If that's within your comfort zone, I can try to go back and figure out which podcast/episodes I am thinking of ....

 

[mothercoder]

Since I wouldn't have any business in the Metro area other than meeting up with my SO, then 60-90 minutes would be fine.  Right now he lives in Baltimore but he just started a new job in Arlington so he will be moving further south but staying in Maryland.  So yes, if you can recall what the podcast was, I'd like to check it out.  Regardless of what happens with him, my youngest son will be staying in the area at least until he finishes his Master's degree so we are talking another 3 years.  And I'll want to come back and visit he and my grandson.

 

[closeanuf]

You need to spend a LONG weekend with this guy and see how it goes.  Spend it somewhere where the two of you can't get away from each other.  I'll bet money your mind will be made up before the weekend is up, and when you do it let me know and I'll write my answer on a piece of paper, seal it in an envelope and send it to you so you can open it when the weekend is over.

 

[John61CT]

Vermont B&B, long drive up and back will be the real test