Relationships with non-nomads

[WanderingScribe]

It sounds like you already have your answer. You will stay and make small trips to feed your nomadic side. There's nothing wrong with that. Do you really need to be on the road full time to be happy? I say as long as you can afford to do both, do it. If you do have to make a choice then do what your heart is asking you to do. I find being on the road lonesome - I'm not sure I could bare doing it if I had unrealized romantic issues lingering over my head. The temptation to run back would be overwhelming distracting.

This. I wish this solution had been possible for me. I turned 40 this year and have been in my van 6 months now. I wanted to do this badly and had been researching it for several months. I told my boyfriend who I'd been living with for the past two years that I wanted to buy a van and travel say a week out of every month or maybe be gone several weeks but then return home for two or three months before another solo trip. He say no way. I could live in a van full-time or stay with him, there was no in between.  

Part of this is my fault. I was already at the point where I had saved enough money for a van when I told him, so he felt ambushed, rightfully so. I didn't tell him about it along the way because I knew he would have no interest in it for himself and would see it as a threat to our relationship. And I didn't want to be ousted before I was sure, honestly.

He had some idea because I was planning to buy an RV to live in when we met five years ago. He actually told me recently that was the thing that attracted him to me, the thing that made me interesting. It wasn't something he wanted to do, though. He travels some for his job, working out of town for a week every so often, and dislikes it very much. I would mention places we could travel together all the time, but we never went on any overnight trips during our relationship - except for two local, one-night camping trips. 

I deeply love him though and I was willing to enjoy a whole different kind of life with him, one that would fit into the way he saw his future unfolding. Building a house on a farm that was already in his family. But we weren't making any progress toward that either. At least I didn't see any. He would seem like he wanted to do it but then would come back to reasons why it wouldn't work.

If I'm going to be a serious relationship with someone, I need us to be creating some kind of life together, not just watching TV every night and drinking beer all weekend.   

I know I made the right decision when I chose the van, but it's been very painful. I have stopped initiating any contact, but he stays in pretty consistent contact with me. We talk about how much we miss each other but come to no solution for correcting that. He did say "just come back" once and I agreed but reminded him that I would have to travel some. His response was that he wasn't sure what he wanted. 

Bottom line, it's a huge distraction, and every time things get hard emotionally or physically, I want to just run back. But usually within a few hours I've realized that it would never work for all the reasons it wasn't working before. This process takes up too much of my valuable time though. I hope you, mothercoder, don't end up with this much angst. Still, I think the angst I'm experiencing now is less than the angst I would be experiencing if I had just stayed and denied myself this thing I knew I desperately wanted and needed. 

Talking about things with your SO and taking everything one day at a time seem like good approaches.

 

[Wabbit]

... Still, I think the angst I'm experiencing now is less than the angst I would be experiencing if I had just stayed and denied myself this thing I knew I desperately wanted and needed...

Hi WanderingScribe, I hope that things even out for you soon. That's a tough situation to be in. Just wanted to let you know that you're very brave and you deserve a big hug. Stay strong and be true to you. Take care.

 

[mothercoder]

You need to spend a LONG weekend with this guy and see how it goes.  Spend it somewhere where the two of you can't get away from each other.  I'll bet money your mind will be made up before the weekend is up, and when you do it let me know and I'll write my answer on a piece of paper, seal it in an envelope and send it to you so you can open it when the weekend is over.

LOL  That's a deal.  Of course, that's if the weekend happens.  He's not known for follow-through.  If the weekend doesn't happen, then I have my answer as well.  Actions speak.

 

[mothercoder]

Vermont B&B, long drive up and back will be the real test

LOLOL  I can't even get the guy out of the metro area!  His idea of a romantic weekend:  hotel in DC.  I really do not like going into DC.  BUT...he's planning and he's paying so I'm not going to rock the boat.  In 6 years this is a first.  Now I will quietly wait for follow through.

 

[mothercoder]

If I'm going to be a serious relationship with someone, I need us to be creating some kind of life together, not just watching TV every night and drinking beer all weekend.   

Talking about things with your SO and taking everything one day at a time seem like good approaches.

I really hear you on this.  I think we are pretty far apart in what we want but I'm really not sure because he's a one day at a time kind of guy.  Maybe that's changing since he no longer needs to tend to his daughter full-time.  He said he's been pondering his future but didn't say what that meant.  Considering he just started a new job and is tied to the area for 4 years until his daughter graduates so she can get in-state tuition, he will be working full-time.  And me?  I'm done with working.  That's what happens when there's 10 years difference in ages.  Does that mean we can't make it work?  I don't know.  I really, really do not love this area.  But I do have a son here and a grandchild due in a couple of months so there are compelling reasons to stay.  But I don't see myself doing anything more than working part-time after June of next year. 

I think the first thing we need to do is sit down and talk about our expectations of one another and of life.  It could be we are very far off from what each of us wants and my expectations may be unrealistic -- at least for him. 

Honestly, I have even been considering not traveling and moving to NV near my sister.  I'd rent for a little while and then possible look for a plot of land and put a small house or yurt on it.  Could I see this man EVER moving to NV much less living in a yurt?  Never.  LOL

 

[mothercoder]

Hi WanderingScribe, I hope that things even out for you soon. That's a tough situation to be in. Just wanted to let you know that you're very brave and you deserve a big hug. Stay strong and be true to you. Take care.

Agreed.  It is very difficult to leave someone you care about in order to fulfill other needs you have.

 

[DuneElliot]

This has been an interesting and insightful discussion for me. I am single and I love to travel...I have left someone before because settling down just wasn't what I wanted and he was a cop, so it was not in him to just up and leave. Things worked out for the best back then (he somehow ended up in a cult) but now being on the road I find myself getting lonely also...I want to share this life WITH someone. Humans weren't meant to be alone all the time, not even those of us who are the most introverted.

 

[mothercoder]

This has been an interesting and insightful discussion for me. I am single and I love to travel...I have left someone before because settling down just wasn't what I wanted and he was a cop, so it was not in him to just up and leave. Things worked out for the best back then (he somehow ended up in a cult) but now being on the road I find myself getting lonely also...I want to share this life WITH someone. Humans weren't meant to be alone all the time, not even those of us who are the most introverted.

I've been single for 25 years so I am really completely unsure about the idea of marriage or possible even living together.  What I'm not unsure about is wanting to share life with someone.  And if nothing else, that's what this relationship has taught me.  I was alone for many years before getting into a serious relationship and I wasn't sure I wanted that at all.  After a really awful marriage to a truly terrible guy, I often wondered if I had any idea how a good relationship works.  I'm still not sure because this has certainly been an unconventional relationship with more ups/downs and twists/turns than the Intimidator 305 roller coaster.  But what it did show me is that I really enjoy sharing experiences with someone I am close to.  I do like waking  up next to someone and planning what happens next.  Unfortunately I met someone for whom "future" was a foreign word. 

I have a lot of living left to do and feel like I missed out a lot being a single parent and putting a lot of my interests on hold (btw, don't do that).  And I would really like to enjoy it with someone.  But he'd have to be pretty damn special.  This guy is special but he's also a challenge and I'm getting a little tired of trying to deal with the challenges.

 

[tripper]

My personal biased uninformed opinion
Just do what makes you happy and you will naturally run into like minded people on the road.

 

[Every Road Leads Home]

I've come to the realization that finding who and what i'm looking for is the proverbial needle in the haystack, i'm 37 and have been in several long term relationships, all with good people I have no ill will towards, but i've always refused to settle for "good enough" If both people have to constantly compromise I get to the point where I feel like it wasn't meant to be. I just keep the faith that eventually, I'll meet the right person and huge compromises and/or lifestyle changes from one, the other, or both won't be necessary to make it work because we both want the same things. So, i'll keep searching until that happens and maybe it never will, but I'll keep trying.
I think life is more fun when sharing things, just have to be sharing them with the right person. I think the best way of meeting the right person is by going out and doing what you love to do, hopefully your paths cross at the right time with another doing the same things you enjoy. So if you're nomadic and love to travel, be nomadic and travel, and hopefully you'll bump into another you're attracted to and vice versa doing the same

 

[closeanuf]

I was married to my second wife for 20 years.  Legally I was in a relationship but in reality I was alone.  Just because there's another person in the house doesn't mean you aren't alone.  I don't have any bad feelings for her but I am much happier alone.  If you can't find happiness within yourself another person probably won't have the "magic".

 

[mothercoder]

There are ways to compromise without losing yourself in the process but there has to be give on both sides. I agree that when there's too much give by one or the other, there's no happiness in that. When your fundamental choices of how you want to live are so far apart, I'm not sure there's compromise enough to bridge those choices. I moved to Maryland because it was best for my sons, not because it was best for me. They are grown now and I have the opportunity and means to leave here. I have family elsewhere that I've spent precious little time with over the years because of distance. My heart belongs out west - not just because of family but because that's where I'm happiest.

I haven't sat down face-to-face with this man to have this discussion. By my choice. He just started a new job and in 2 weeks he's leaving for a week-long conference. In the meantime, he's trying to get up to speed so that he's adequately prepared for the conference. If I demanded to see him now, he'd comply. But I want his attention on the subject at hand, not on the job. So I have decided that I do not want to see him until his conference is over and he is settled into some kind of routine. I know that sounds all kinds of considerate of me but it has another purpose: this is a man who tends to go ghost often. He has periods of depression and when they hit, he disappears. To me, that's unacceptable in a relationship. I can understand not wanting to be together and needing alone time. But completely disappearing, refusing to answer texts, calls and emails, and leaving the person who loves you wondering how far down the rabbit hole you've gone is cruel. I recall one time when I hadn't heard from him in weeks and I was getting desperate. All I wanted was a text saying "I'm okay" or "I'll be okay." So I texted to say that I was worried enough that I was driving his way (he lives about 75 minutes from me) to make sure he was okay. He didn't respond. I drove the 75 minutes to his house. His car was not there. That was good enough for me to feel that he was okay -- if he was able to get up and leave the house, then he was probably okay. It also told me that he could be selfish and uncaring when he was depressed. He allowed me to drive that far at night to make sure he was okay and then made sure he wasn't there so he wouldn't have to be confronted. I was comforted that he was okay but I was also deeply hurt that he would treat me that way. We didn't see each other for a long time after that. Similarly, this past March when I broke my shoulder and had to have surgery, he started out being very supportive. But when I ended up with a couple pulmonary embolisms and was admitted to the hospital and very scared, I asked him to come see me. He never responded. Not for a couple of days. When he finally did, he said that he was sorry that I was injured but that he had his own challenges he had to deal with. Talk about deeply hurt. So I haven't seen him since then. Actually since before then. It's been many months since I've seen him and I have a lot to process. I need a lot of answers and I haven't gotten them yet because I refuse to talk about topics this important in text messages. I want to be understanding of his challenges (depression) but there have been actions completely unacceptable to me and which can't be repeated...ever. If you are married to someone like this and you love them, you fight to help them. Whether it's an addiction, mental illness or physical impairment. I'm trying to treat this as if this is my life partner and you don't just abandon them. You try to understand and help them if they will let you. You make some sacrifices and you compromise. But you don't compromise your entire life and happiness when they make no move to try and work toward living a life with you without being cruel and hurtful. And so I'm saying that during this time when he's preparing for his conference and while he's gone, there's a very good chance he could go ghost on me again. It often happens when he's under stress. And if he does, there will be no face-to-face. He knows where I stand on this. And therefore, the question of having a relationship with a non-nomad could become moot. We will see.

 

[MrNoodly]

Here's a harsh thought. I don't remember whether it was a comedian or a character in a movie, but after his girlfriend accused him of being afraid of commitment, he replied, "I'm not afraid of commitment, I just don't want to commit to YOU."

When guys find someone they really want, someone who checks all their positive boxes and none of their negative ones, they can easily jump in head first and never look back. But they aren't going to commit like that to someone who isn't Miss Right. Oh, we'll DATE Miss Sort of Right, or Miss The Best I Can Do At the Moment, but we won't make the big commitment. Because men are more independent, more self-sufficient, more self-fulfilled.

Also, both men and women have a hard time committing to someone who doesn't know what he/she wants to do with their life. What would they be committing to? What are they buying? So until you have a definite plan, until you can say, "Here's the deal, here's who I am, here's what I'm going to do -- with or without you," you're asking him to commit to shifting sand. If he wants to be part of that, wonderful. If he doesn't, then neither of you would be happy if he pretended he did. Your lives would be worse.

 

[mothercoder]

Here's a harsh thought. I don't remember whether it was a comedian or a character in a movie, but after his girlfriend accused him of being afraid of commitment, he replied, "I'm not afraid of commitment, I just don't want to commit to YOU."

When guys find someone they really want, someone who checks all their positive boxes and none of their negative ones, they can easily jump in head first and never look back. But they aren't going to commit like that to someone who isn't Miss Right. Oh, we'll DATE Miss Sort of Right, or Miss The Best I Can Do At the Moment, but we won't make the big commitment. Because men are more independent, more self-sufficient, more self-fulfilled.

Also, both men and women have a hard time committing to someone who doesn't know what he/she wants to do with their life. What would they be committing to? What are they buying? So until you have a definite plan, until you can say, "Here's the deal, here's who I am, here's what I'm going to do -- with or without you," you're asking him to commit to shifting sand. If he wants to be part of that, wonderful. If he doesn't, then neither of you would be happy if he pretended he did. Your lives would be worse.

You have some valid points.  Here's the deal:  he's bipolar.  The only person he's every committed to in his 53 years was his daughter.  So I don't think it's a matter of not wanting to commit to me, it's a matter of fearing commitment at all -- and he has said as much.  When he tried to make things work with his daughter's mother (they never married, just lived together for a while), he ended up in the hospital.  Lost his house, nearly lost his job and his visitation with his daughter.  Since then it's been a life of patching things together in a way that allows him to live day-to-day without losing his sh!t.  I don't judge any of that, by the say.  We are all dealt some kind of burden and this was his.  He's figured out a way to work but he is utterly convinced that getting into another relationship that includes commitment and future will put him back in the hospital.  I understand that and I realize it's a risk to try and see if he can manage without losing his sh!t.  If he can't, that's okay.  I was always hoping he would be willing to try and he's often said he would try but then falls short.  If you ask him, he will tell you he does not plan for the future.  His life is more shifting sand than mine is.  He very much lives day-to-day.  And the thing is, I can be happy in different scenarios.  Who I am isn't defined by a nomadic life or one lived in a particular part of the country.  I can find happiness in a number of ways.  So I don't consider it shifting sand.  I need to know what he wants and what he is going to do because I am far more flexible than he is.  And then I can be the one to say whether or not I'd be happy with that.  I do know that I would not be happy with a day-to-day existence and no plan for the future.  I get that what you plan can change but I'm the type of person who at least needs a plan and a direction.

 

[blmkid]

" Never attempt to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig"
   - Mark Twain -

 

[John61CT]

IOW as soon as you know in your heart

this person is unable to give you THAT WHICH you really want

unless you don't mind treading water, not moving forward with THAT - a luxury only the young (think they) have

Then move on ASAP, life is way to short to compromise.

If you do stay, then figure out & acknowledge what they do give you, and why it is more attractive to you than THAT. It is likely to be an unhealthy part of you that needs active reflection and work.

 

[VanKitten]

Like so many women, I compromised my needs for husband, family, career, etc.

I do not regret the way I spent my youth.....I just agree with Mark Twain...too bad youth is wasted on the young.

At this time in life, giving up your dream is much more likely to be sincerely regretted later.

 

[closeanuf]

Maybe I watch too much tv, but I feel like Captain Obvious should show up here pretty soon.

 

[mothercoder]

Situations like these are always obvious to others but not to those involved. I know what advice I would give a friend in the same situation. Not always so easy when it's your own life/heart.

 

[Minivanmotoman]

Fwiw, his actions speak louder than words. Anybody's.
But not more than enough for your emotional attachment.