How and What do I tell my Kid?

[LostInLife]

I hope this is the correct place for this post...

Hi All!

Backstory:

My son is almost 14yrs old.

I am Divorced.


I am disabled, been so for awhile .

Recently my diabetes (type2) decided to get all uppity. I am now on MDI Insulin.

Between that and life in general, I am going Nomad this coming Fall.

I currently live in a small town about 2 hours away from Denver.

My Son lives with his mom in Denver and I currently have him for one weekend a month - she(mom) would be up for more, as would I, but gas costs money.
I normally talk to my boy once a day, up to two hours most of the time!

I have been looking into everything I can to stay close to him,
Nothing out there, so i am hoping that Quartzsite will work out for me.

My question:

How do I tell my son that I cant afford to live "normally" anymore?
That I don't even know if I can get cell reception on a daily basis?
That I will probably only get to see him once every two months during the Winter (School season) ???

Anybody else going through this?

Thanks,
Don

 

[ckelly78z]

I'm not sure that a 14 year old will understand the circumstances of your moving away, he will just know that you won't be there for him.

Maybe you could drive up for a week during school break and let him camp with you somewhere...make an adventure out of it. You really need to make a point of staying in daily (if possible) contact to let him know what you are doing, and that you are thinking about him, otherwise, you may lose the chance of future contact.

 

[cyndi]

Tough stuff. I'm sorry you're dealing with this! I hope you find a solution

 

[LostInLife]

Tough stuff. I'm sorry you're dealing with this! I hope you find a solution

Thanks, Me too.

Just to clarify.

I plan on visiting him for a full weekend once every two months, unless the budget allows once a month.

I really am looking for a way to explain this so he kinda understands it's not his fault or anything.

 

[WalkaboutTed]

I have four sons, ages 27-40. Each one is so different from the others, but we have all been on some rough roads together, including homelessness.

But, boys are pretty resilient as long as they get the love, acceptance and emotional support they need. And, compared to watching my sister's daughters, much more pragmatic and practical.

Show him the post you wrote. Tell him that it's killing you, but you don't have much of a choice. Tell him that you will do the best that you can with your limitations.

With time, you'll both be able to look back at this hard decision and talk together on how you got through it. Maybe you'll never be able to laugh, but a few rueful smiles will do. He's your son. You love him. He loves you. It sounds like he's had a good start. He still has his mom, and he can talk/Skype/text with you any time.

It hasn't always been a bed of roses with my sons (plenty of thorns, though), but I hear from at least one, often three of them every day.
Ted

 

[lenny flank]

Recently my diabetes (type2) decided to get all uppity. I am now on MDI Insulin. 

What's the plan for dealing with this on the road .... >

 

[LostInLife]

Thanks for the responses!

WalkaboutTed: Thank you for the advice and kind words. Some very good ideas!


lenny flank: I am not 100% sure yet. So far though... My Endo wants to see me in August, then it looks like every 6 months after that. IF I can get him to write a 6-month script for all my supplies and Insulin, that would work out pretty well.

I can schedule my winter appt. for when I was planning on visiting with my kid!

 

[maki2]

It is unfortunately not all that unusual for children of divorced parents to only be able to have a few months in the summer and Christmas breaks and more recently spring breaks to spend with a parent.

Children do adapt to it, sometimes I think it is much harder on the parent than the child. But much depends on the quality of parenting they get from the parent with primary living space time. If you trust that parent to do a great job then your stress level will go down. Getting to spend those long school holidays with you will give a much needed break to the primary living space parent and much needed quality time to you.

There is no good way to tell children such things. But the best way is to let them participate a little bit in the planning so they don't feel left out of your world. For instance if you are building out a van let the child help with the build. That way they will have a feeling of authentic ownership in their second home as well as gaining some good hands-on skills with tools and decision making including math and three dimensional thinking. They could assist in thinking of future improvements and purchases that would make it more comfortable and easier to live in. So that they have that to look forward to participating in for the next long school vacation break. Remember that such activities can bring a lot of good connection time. Don't make it all about them being entertained, that is not normal life, you need those rooted normalcy projects, routines and chores. That is part of bringing up a child who has good self control, a sense of responsibility, the ability to get things done with efficient planning, etc.

Of course you also need fun adventure time in the out of doors and your boon docking life will bring that too. So do some bushcraft and survival skills time as part of the interaction time. Kids love making things and learning about such stuff. It is a good way to ease them into knowing your life is about more than just poverty, that it is also about the environment and nature.

 

[flying kurbmaster]

I would just send him a text, “ Hi kid see you later, moving into a van, going nomad, will catch up soon, might be out of cell range don’t worry if I am not in touch for long periods of time. Enjoy your high school, your mom is on board I will still send money so you will be able to afford your toys, flash clothes, and phone which are the main reason I can’t afford to live in a house anymore. I am off to follow the sun. Come hang for a few days, sometime, if you are in the neighbourhood. I will be in the desert, on BLM land, no showers, no toilet, no cell service xoxox love Dad”

 

[WanderingRose]

I’m sorry you are having to make these kinds of decisions.

If you are seeing your son a weekend a month, but talking with him a couple of hours every day, that sounds like a pretty close relationship and may be a significant loss for your boy if you move to where you won’t have reliable cell signal.

He’s just in the throes of adolescence, and may need to lean a bit on his Dad.

I am also concerned you have unstable medical issues, which could be exacerbated by living on the road.

Think carefully about this, and the law of unintended consequences.

Good luck to you.

 

[LostInLife]

Don't make it all about them being entertained, that is not normal life, you need those rooted normalcy projects, routines and chores.

All very good advice, and I appreciate it!

This line in particular though, I live by it now.

I only get him for one weekend a month, and a few weeks spread out over the Summer.

I already do this. I try not to be the irresponsible "fun" Parent. We do have fun on the weekends, but we also do chores and he helps out with little projects.

 

[LostInLife]

I would just send him a text, “ Hi kid see you later, moving into a van, going nomad, will catch up soon, might be out of cell range don’t worry if I am not in touch for long periods of time. Enjoy your high school, your mom is on board I will still send money so you will be able to afford your toys, flash clothes, and phone which are the main reason I can’t afford to live in a house anymore. I am off to follow the sun. Come hang for a few days, sometime, if you are in the neighbourhood. I will be in the desert, on BLM land, no showers, no toilet, no cell service xoxox love  Dad”

I normally don't reply with the full quote, but this time , I just had to.

This is fantastic. very helpful in getting my mind out of a bad place.

It seriously made me laugh out loud. Thanks!!!

Do you go to Quartzsite? if so, I'd think I'd like to meet you and shake your hand!!!

 

[LostInLife]

Think carefully about this, and the law of unintended consequences.

I have been thinking about it. I've exhausted every possible opportunity I could find.

I even talked to an ombudsman that tried to help.

The only way I could afford to Stay in Denver is to try to Stealth Camp in my van. Due to my medical conditions, that is really not a good idea. If it was just a comfort thing, I would probably do it.

I really have no choice left. I do have a good Endo and a decent G.P.

My biggest concern is not being always available and missing out on these early teen years.

 

[WanderingRose]

You could go into a shelter, and they could help you find housing.

As a disabled person, you would have some priority on any waiting list.

How will your medical issues improve at Quartzite, away from your good doctors?

You do have a choice, and I think your son should be your priority.

 

[Van-Tramp]

Take your boy with you on a weekend trip. He will understand why you want to live that way after. My son was 12 when I started. He was very accepting about it all. He is 21 now, and reassures me that he never felt abandoned by me. We talked more every day then when we lived under the same roof. When I returned to his home town every year, weeks of dedicated time were scheduled out for us to hang with each other. We only got closer by it all.

 

[maki2]

You could learn what and how to tell him by following some local professional advice. The city of Denver has a program for this and it includes dealing with the kind of issues you will be seeing in your life and its reflection on your son's life. This is for Denver Public School students. Other school districts will have a similar program. Build a support team for yourself, it will make your life easier in the long run. Sometimes it only takes a couple of sessions to smooth the path.

Here is a link.
http://www.ucdenver.edu/academics/c...s/Pages/FreeCounselingforDenverCommunity.aspx

 

[eDJ_]

My guess is that at 14 most boys will be discovering girls and wishing that they had a car.   In this time period kids tend to 
distance themselves from adult parents too.  I think you've done right by him in spending the time in his pre teen years as you've stated.  

emails may do some of the basics but Skype with a webcam & audio could have you seeing and talking with each other.  If you keep a Facebook page with photos you've taken and stories about it....even if it isn't updated too frequently he will still
feel like you are in his life,  just not so closely connected.  But this may be the beginning of a time when he would rather not be so closely connected.  It would just be that time of his life when these things begin to naturally happen.  And it may be an advantage to you too.

 

[Vonbrown]

You did the right thing all your life, you made sacrifices, you paid your dues, now my friend, it's your turn.
I raised 4 children, went to work everyday, gave up my wants and desires for the good of them, and it's ok,.
Because time waits for no one.

Fortunately, my children were of a young adult mind when I retired.

 

[Doubleone]

Talk with him...  At 14yrs he's old enough to understand adult concepts.  Speak with him like he's an adult.  Share the struggle with him... Take time to explain the why behind your decisions, and the trade offs, the economic constraints, etc.  Of course, there is a chance as an adolescent he might feel miffed or hurt in the present day, but at some time in the future he will ultimately appreciate that you gave it to him straight... man-to-man.  A universal truth is that we always want something better for our kids than we have ourselves.  Kids that get everything handed to them become entitled and spoiled.  Kids who experience struggles as youth tend to become exceptionally resilient and stronger adults.  Maybe this is one of those teachable moments in life... if you choose to share it with him (and I think you should.)  Your son might even find your 'shared' struggles to be motivating.  Having the full benefit of your unvarnished experiences and wisdom, he might even develop the muster and aim for college, or business, or entrepreneurship, etc.

 

[Dingfelder]

I'm not sure daily contact is anywhere near as important as a lifelong understanding.  I went to a boarding school and there were times I felt terribly alone due to the usual things you'd expect, but .. did I feel in the most absolute extreme sense complete rootless and abandoned?  There was some of it ... but not entirely.  There remained some kind of a desperate thread.

Actually I believe it would be something more... it would be burdensome. A kid who feels abandoned is in a hard enough place without being forced to realized that the cavalry that might be coming to rescue him is even more effed up and unable to keep its psychological sh* together than he or she is.  If you have to turn to someone and that someone confesses to you that his face is a wall of chaos, are you help or nightmare?

Keep your worst to yourself, is my general approach in reacting to others.  The last way you want to vent is on your children.  It's good that they become tough and aware of the world, but it's not about you or this time.  This is the time to comfort even if you have to eat your gorge infinitely, IMO.  You'll have plenty of time to cry as an old man.  Now it's time to cool out and succor and be the person you never had.  

You can always be someone else tomorrow, if you find that necessary.  And you probably, perhaps fondly in reminiscence, won't.