GIRLS' ROOM: Why is family so unsupportive of solo female travelers?

[poprouge]

~VENTING~
This is so darn frustrating.  Why is family so unsupportive of solo female travelers?  Like it's not like I haven't proven myself fully self-sustaining on more than one front.  Of all the kids in my families generation, speaking of first cousins and siblings, I was the only one who joined and served in the armed forces.  That was completely cool, even during war time it wasn't the big issue.  I also have been on my own for over 10 years now, bought my own home, raised my kids pretty much on my own.  I had to learn to do my own plumbing, electrical work, reluctantly roofing (still kinda afraid of heights), basic car maintenance, lawn mower service - you name it.  I did it myself, and no one has been jumping in to "rescue" me from any of it.  But anytime I say I want to travel on my own, OMG "no you can't.... that's just too dangerous... but you are a woman."  Like seriously?!?!?! 

:s   Yes, it's been one of those days.  Wish I could just chuck it and drive off.  One day, perhaps not today but it will happen.  How many days until the RTR?  LOL  Thanks for listening.

 

[cyndi]

You're dealing with thousands of years of ingrained teaching. justdo it.

 

[Yogidog]

I hear ya, I have been totally competent like u say. Good news they have come around, bad news it took five years! 

I came back home to help my mom die after 2and half years on the road. I was so happy they saw it. Then they saw how hard I tried to be happy in their world for two years and no matter how hard I tried my spirt was dying.

My two daughters were scared for me. 

Now it has turned around I am visiting my one daughter now and she sees me coming back to life. My other daughter said recently I love thinking of u and thea on the road where are u, I send pics.

There are so many reasons most of us are afraid of women traveling alone.

Wish I could be more help but I guess my family saw I wasn't going to make it unless they let me go and now they know I can take care of myself

Wshing u well!

 

[Suanne]

In planning to go on the road, and realizing the worry of those that love me, I decided to start a blog for them to read about both my preparations and my journey. Here is a post on safety that was written for their benefit http://suanneonline.blogspot.com/2010/02/safety-and-security.html. It helped.

The other thing that kept coming up is all of the violent crime that happens. They cited what they were hearing and seeing on the nightly News. I just kept reminding them that it only made the News because it hardly ever happens ... otherwise, it wouldn't be news.

For those closest to me, I keep in touch regularly by phone when I have a signal. Or by sending a SPOT message that I'm OK (see findmespot.com); it works by GPS when there is no cell signal.

Regardless, I agree that you need to be determined to just do it. It takes some fortitude to step out knowing that you are not pleasing those you love.

Keep your eye on the prize!

 

[Hippiechk]

My family has been very supportive, I have an accumulated about 15 years of my life living in mobile units, albeit about 8 of those years were in stationary situations so it never came as a shock to anyone I guess.

People who I had called friends the last 10 or so years, even through living 2 years in a 5th on a 'commune' (legally so due to a shared well...it was leased property in an Indian Reservation) didn't shake them, but being full time mobile has cut a lot of those chords. I summer close enough to visit but its a rare few who do.

I have made some amazing new friends amongst other mobile types though. I am not inclined to be a group person if its more than 5 people its more than I am into generally but I do like to be friendly.

Damn...the coyotes are just a yipping tonight here in the desert! I am in the middle of nowhere, it will cool off but I can still leave the outside door open...what's to worry about? *laugh*

 

[TrainChaser]

Personally, I think there are two issues, depending...

The first one is the response from people (esp women) who wouldn't do it themselves, or from men who wouldn't want their women to do it.  I suspect it is a knee-jerk response due to prior conditioning:  women are supposed to do certain things and not other things.  Women traveling alone doesn't fit many people's preconceived ideas of what is 'right'.

[When someone says this, tell them they should read the book The Last of the Saddle Tramps by Messannie Wilkins, who left her home in Maine in 1954, at the age of 63, on horseback, with a dog, and rode to California.  It is available through libraries on an InterLibrary Loan (ILL).  Interesting.]

The other is likely a control issue --  they're not worried about your safety as much as they are worried about your not being there for THEM.  If you are the get-it-done person who does the cooking, cleaning, caregiving, errands, overseeing, catering to, etc, they don't want to lose those services, even temporarily.  And heaven forbid that it be long-term/indefinite!  *we really need a rolleyes that ROLL*

When someone says you CAN'T, ask them to be specific as to why.  Listen carefully, just so you know.

Then go anyway.

 

[Queen]

We are "supposed" to live for home, hearth, nest. They are "supposed" to travel, seek adventure and new places. It's all a lot of hooey, but people get bent out of shape if you challenge their beliefs.

I haven't lived on the road much but I have moved cross country, far away from family and friends several times. Each time I find the people most upset are the ones who are most fearful of making the leap in their lives that matters to them. It's as though my leaving is a judgement on their inability to follow their own dreams.

 

[Almost There]

I got that crap too! And from a mother who loved to travel and dragged my father all over the North American continent in trips that lasted up to 10 weeks at a time.

"Oh NO, you're going out on the big dangerous road! I'll be so worried about you - travelling all alone, without even a dog and at YOUR AGE".

Well I've been divorced since I was in my 20's, raised 3 boys all by myself, owned a home with all the incumbent house maintenance problems, the dogs I loved were never trained as guard dogs and my biggest question - at what age would it have been okay....  

The bottom line is that the worrying was going to exist no matter what I said or did.

Most times there is absolutely nothing that you can do or say that will make the worrying and the fussing stop. It's not yours to own.

As Cyndi said ' Just do it'.

They will either come around or they won't!

 

[poprouge]

Thanks for all the encouraging words. I have been traveling on my own since my early twenties (over 25 years now), it's so nothing new. It's just the same old broken record, I just needed a little encouragement and thank you ladies. Y'all did that for me. Plus I got a few great suggestions to try as well. Thanks hopefully it will help ease some worries.

Ha I'd give anything to hear yapping Coyote's over smelling this disgusting flood waters. An allergy nightmare I'm telling you guys.

 

[Odyssey]

You got their (mixed) message, alright. Let's decode it!

"No you can't" means they themselves could never
"that's too dangerous" is full metal jacket terror
"but you're a woman" means they believe females are incapable of whatever

See? All projections of their own fears for themselves. Masquerading as "concern" for your what? Welfare? Future? Safety? Ability?

Never forget who you are: a strong, tough, smart and capable WOMAN. Pull up your power panties and stand tall, my friend. Women are beasts of mystery and amazement, and we most certainly can do anything we dream up. Never forget who is in charge of building your life: YOU. 

They are likely worried more about your unavailability, your absence, your presence in *their own lives* because they depend on you. Using lame smoke and mirrors to try to hide their own insecurities about their own small dreams and bone-deep fright in an effort to dissuade you from building your life. 

Get on out there!

 

[Hippiechk]

My family has been very supportive, I have an accumulated about 15 years of my life living in mobile units, albeit about 8 of those years were in stationary situations so it never came as a shock to anyone I guess.

People who I had called friends the last 10 or so years, even through living 2 years in a 5th on a 'commune' (legally so due to a shared well...it was leased property in an Indian Reservation) didn't shake them, but being full time mobile has cut a lot of those chords. I summer close enough to visit but its a rare few who do.

I have made some amazing new friends amongst other mobile types though. I am not inclined to be a group person if its more than 5 people its more than I am into generally but I do like to be friendly.

Damn...the coyotes are just a yipping tonight here in the desert! I am in the middle of nowhere, it will cool off but I can still leave the outside door open...what's to worry about? *laugh*

This post was edited by admin. I believe when this happens that this should be noted, since it isn't I hope we can be allowed to satisfy any need for absolute clarity by making this disclaimer.

 

[Hippiechk]

Thanks for all the encouraging words. I have been traveling on my own since my early twenties (over 25 years now), it's so nothing new. It's just the same old broken record, I just needed a little encouragement and thank you ladies. Y'all did that for me. Plus I got a few great suggestions to try as well. Thanks hopefully it will help ease some worries.

Ha I'd give anything to hear yapping Coyote's over smelling this disgusting flood waters. An allergy nightmare I'm telling you guys.

I was just looking at pictures from the flooding. I should think right about now joining you on the road might sound appealing.

I really hope everyone you love is safe!

 

[TrainChaser]

"... at what age would it have been okay.... "

Hey, they could ship your coffin back and forth across the country a few times!

You're not going to please everyone, no matter what you do, so you might as well please yourself.

 

[Tussah]

~VENTING~
This is so darn frustrating.  Why is family so unsupportive of solo female travelers?

I think they're just expressing their own fears.  They would be afraid to do it, so naturally think that it's not safe for you to do it either.  Luckily, my family has always been very supportive of me having adventures.  They know me well enough to realize that I'm a responsible person by nature, so if I have a plan to travel alone as a young woman in SE Asia, or live in China for 2 years with my pre-school daughter, or travel around north America in a van after I retire, they know that I can be trusted to do it safely.   Plenty of other people in my life have expressed considerable negativity about my adventures, though!   

Personally, I compare all risks I take against the biggest risk in my life.... driving around town in my car.   Every time I climb in, I know that I'm risking death or serious mutilation on the road.   Nevertheless, I take that risk and so do most people I know.  Probably your family does, too.  Maybe you can get them to see that there is risk in everything in life.   Usually, the (small) risk is worth the (enormous) benefit.     If not, go and live your life anyway.   Eventually, they'll come around after they see how fulfilling your life is.

 

[TrainChaser]

People can be so two-faced about what women can and can't do.

Women crossing the U.S. on the Oregon Trail walked most of the way. They fixed breakfast, hitched up the horses/mules/oxen, walked all day, then fixed dinner, put up the tent, took care of the kids... all while pregnant.

Women got the job done several thousand years ago, and nothing much has changed.

 

[VanKitten]

I have found, over the near 20 years of the nomadic lifestyle, that the usual reaction is that I should be stuck in the rut of life because they are stuck.

This has come out in various interesting ways. For example, a girlfriend got angry with me when I suggested a patio improvement project which would take some time over the summer. She said to me "that's great for you..you are on permanent vacation". As if! But, it shows what she thinks. To her, a nomadic life has to be a vacation because nothing else fits in her world. This was the only way to relate.

I have met with anger over my freedom. I think because it is beyond what they are willing to do, they have to see it as either laziness (if I choose this lifestyle) or pitiable (because I have no choice). Nothing else fits in their world.

Family has not been a problem to me. Parents are now my dependants in extreme old age. No brothers or sisters to judge me. Kids have their own life. Fortunately, too busy with their own kids to be bothered over me.

 

[TrainChaser]

I think you're right on the money, Kat.

They want to spend money like a drunken sailor on shore leave. They make minimum credit card payments. They keep creating reasons why they can't break out of the prison they're in.

If you're building a wall around yourself, higher and higher, and there's no exit, why keep building it, and at the same time, complaining that it's too high?

Nobody is going to do it for you.

 

[Sentient Loon]

I used to get annoyed by people worrying whenever I traveled alone (van, bicycle, or backpacking), but now I love knowing that people care. What does drive me nuts is the constant expectations to settle down, doll up, marry a man, buy a house, pop out kids, etc. I'm 31 now and thankfully my closest friends have finally accepted that I am not a conventional person, and most have learned to trust that I take safety quite seriously.

I can imagine it might be more of a shock to family if you've led a largely conventional life and want to go nomadic later on.

 

[KASibson]

You're not going to please everyone, no matter what you do, so you might as well please yourself.

"Garden Party" by Ricky Nelson?
One of my favorite songs, I just wish I'd really understood the meaning of the lyrics earlier

 

[anewbiewannabe]

"Garden Party" by Ricky Nelson

Now I've got that song stuck in my head. Works out well because it replaced the other song I had stuck in my head so well that I don't remember what the other one was.

If my mom hadn't been so fearful for her only child then I would have taken off in a van to explore the country when I was 18. My first boyfriend hitchiked across country to Hollywood and back when he was 17 and I was so jealous! I don't have a clue how my dad would have felt. Later on in life I think he would have said "Go for it!" and supported me fully. :heart:

My daughter doesn't have the same worries from me. I've actively encouraged her to find her own road in life and she's already traveled to places I've wanted to visit since I was a kid. People told me I'd be overprotective even before she was born. :huh: People don't know me so well I guess.