Take 2: more room = more adventures!

[gypsychic]

Bitty-

I am so glad that you posted an update. I have been thinking of you and wondering how things are going for you. Although we don't know each other, I think of you because your posts are so very real. Good or bad experiences, getting or getting information, you have a wit and perseverance that I find inspiring.

I'm trying to psyche myself into writing this post because I think many here would see me as a failure.

WHY?!?!

Personally, I'd say living in an unheated, unlit van stuffed to the brim with intended storage items for 2 weeks straight with the floor piled 3 feet high everywhere the bed a tunnel in the stuff WITHOUT KILLING YOURSELF is an accomplishment.

Double points if it happened over Christmas.

And would you like to include a nerve injury in the right arm to triple it for the win??

DING DING DING!!

Uh, YEA !! Give yourself some credit women!

the starter on my van began threatening to die on me any second...

Oh man, you deserve a break!

...in the meantime I was reliant on a few contacts in the area to drive me for groceries and crash at their place for warmth and such. One got so pissed at me for refusing his advances that he actively attempted to destroy my reputation.

I'm so very sorry you had to deal with that. I can truly empathize and having to deal with that on top of all your other stress just had to be horrific.

It was absolutely surreal to find myself huddled outside of a locked building, shivering in the cold hour after hour as I texted over a dozen people for assistance until I began succumbing to hypothermia...my fever has been over 100 the past few days and combining that with sleep deprivation my brain is cooked

I take it you don't have an emergency fund or any extra cash for a motel room. Being that cold along with your nerve issues must have been excruciating. It's no wonder you got sick, all the exposure to the elements and the stress you've been under. Are you eating ok?

So, my van is mechanically sound again.

Yea!!!!!

Internally, it's a wreck.

It'll get there

Physically I'm a wreck, but emotionally sound these days.

Try to be extra good to yourself. Glad to hear you're not letting these things get you down but it would be ok if it did. It's been an up and down road, it seems, the last few months

I've got some really great people in my life and don't have to put up with any crap I don't want to. And that alone makes my life ten times better than it used to be.

Isn't that what we all hope to be able to say?

The one side of me is embarrassed at how far I've fallen into the pit of messyness and curling up in a ball to rest all day, the other side of me is like DUDE you so have every legitimate excuse in the book.

I understand where you are coming from, the being embarrassed part, but be proud of how resilient you are. Just by the fact that you are able to move forward you are accomplishing something that many would not be able to do in the same set of circumstances. Give yourself a pat on the back!

Currently at family's place for laundry. I smile and tell them I'm doing well.

I hope you have someone in your life that you can be honest with about how things are going. They don't have to fix it, just be there to listen and empathize.


What are your plans now moving forward? Are you going to stay in your area or travel now that your van is mechanically sound. Maybe a change of scenery would be soothing for your soul. Someplace where you could take some time to work on your van organizing at your own pace.

I hope you find rest, peace, comfort and beauty as the days unfold before you.

---

Oh, and sending you a big, gigantic, supportive bear HUG from afar

 

[SoulRaven]

Thanks, gypsychic.

What are your plans now moving forward? Are you going to stay in your area or travel now that your van is mechanically sound. Maybe a change of scenery would be soothing for your soul. Someplace where you could take some time to work on your van organizing at your own pace.

Traveling unfortunately isn't an option for me at this time:

• I have an extremely complex medical condition and am reliant on multiple specialists in the area who have taken years to familiarize with my case.
• My dietary needs are also ruthlessly specific, in fact finding stores that sell food I can eat was the very first consideration.
• I am too disabled to care for myself. Even when living in a house, an extensive application process approved me for up to 120 hours/month paid caregiving because I require such assistance to meet basic daily needs. Without that, survival is a struggle.
• I get horrendously lost approximately 50% of the time I drive to/from anywhere. This is while using GPS. It ends up in wasting a lot of gas, time, and causes ridiculous stress and unreliability. Keeping local to a small area makes it possible to afford what I need and actually get anything accomplished.
• Laundry requirements are, annoyingly, highly specific. I have not yet found an on the road option or other alternative besides the place I left. There's only so long one can go without doing laundry.

I have all the components of a solar setup that would make van living far more doable, but there's too much daily scramble just to keep on top of basics that I haven't managed to get someone to do the installation.

Moving forward, I've clicked well with someone interested in caregiving and I'm working to get that process started again. Unfortunately since my case was closed out the application process will have to begin all over again. If last time was any indication, it may be months. In the meantime, though, said friend is beginning to help out in an unofficial capacity, a give-and-take that works well as they lack a vehicle.

I take it you don't have an emergency fund or any extra cash for a motel room.

I don't (been spending it on the van's mechanical problems!), but even if I did my extensive medical issues rule out that option.

 

[SoulRaven]

10 days of fever, it finally broke to now I only have a fever upon overexertion and a few hours after.

My van broke down again.

It was the starter, again.

It had to be replaced, again.

This time I had already made two stops for the day, and when I went to turn the key there was only a high pitched whirring noise. No connection with the flywheel.

Say hello to your first towing experience. AAA worked exactly as they should have. Glad I had it.

The mechanic ended up not charging me the cost of labor. Our business relationship is a bit strained at the moment. I was rather distraught as he would not offer any sort of warranty even though he'd inspected the flywheel and starter literally a week ago and had said that while there was some minor damage they should last me a while - possibly as little as only 2 years, but that it should be fine for a while. I relied on that opinion and it burned me.

Maybe now my van is mechanically sound? I don't know. It's hard to trust something you've never experienced. The 2 door car was dying on me constantly, the van has broken down 3 times in the past 2 months. Any cushion I had is entirely gone and credit is at its limit. I've never been this low before. It's scary.

Please forgive my battle-weary posts. That humorous, spontaneous side of me is still around somewhere; it's just hiding at the moment, waiting out the shitstorm.

 

[cyndi]

My two favorite mantras. sometime I repeat them all day long for days on end.

"This too shall pass"

"Better days are coming"

They've never NOT been true

 

[SoulRaven]

Alrighty now.

5am marks the beginning of one last week to make it through to the end of the month. Lets do this! After taking a good 36 hours straight of sleep and rest I'm ready to tackle things.

Two days ago I managed to finally tap into that $400 deep cycle house battery I've been hauling around. I was intending to get someone to install the solar panels (now in storage) and charge controller and all other stuff I got for the setup when I purchased the van, but with all the mechanical issues and health problems that's all been repeatedly shelved time and time again.

But I got an inverter, connected those little clamps to the terminals, and presto!

It's made it possible to actually rest for a while. Because now I have sufficient power for communications and lighting without scraping by going to libraries and attending free social events just to surreptitiously sponge off their power. No siree, I've got myself a battery now, and - at long last - a way to use it. I've even got two, potentially three places I can plug in to shore power to recharge it. I've got the multimeter and am keeping an eye on things. I feel so accomplished.

It's surreal to get to use my phone, laptop, and dehumidifier as much as I want. I'm staying close to my most trusty recharge station until I get a feel for how much I use and what I can get away with. Even without heat, just a lack of dampness feels so much better. Amazing what some refreshing sleep and rest can do to a person after well over a month without.

Did I ever tell you about my refrigerator issues? I don't think I did. Right after I got the van I snagged an old Norcold marine fridge off Craigslist for $150, fully functional with both 12V and mains power cords. Until now, aside from the rare times I was on grid I was forced to use it as a cooler.

First ice block melted out of the blue bag it came in, so my fridge became a swamp.

Cleaned it all out, next ice block went in nestled inside a garbage bag for extra protection. I felt all pleased with myself for solving the issue.

That sprung a leak too. Swamp city again.

Cleaned it all out, doubled bagged the next one. Same story. We're talking a brand new ice block in its brand new blue plastic bag, two brand new garbage bags, and no dice. Water, water, everywhere and oh my does it stink!

So cleaned that all out. A new friend had a durable insulating bag that they thought would work well. I was dubious, but they were enthusiastic, so we tried that for the next ice block.

It sprung a leak. Yup.

Finally, FINALLY, I searched around and found myself a small square metal trashcan that seemed suitable for the purpose. Stuck it in there, lined it with two trash bags and the next ice block is now in there doing its job.

I'd like to see it beat THAT. Hah. I win.

Damn this shoulder injury. No fist pumps for me.

Of course, that success had to happen the day before I worked out the house battery solution so it's less critical now, but should still be useful. Did I mention I'd been trying for over a month to get an inverter? Craigslist seller flaking out, me flaking out due to mechanical issues, first inverter I got was faulty, blah blah blah. But now I actually have one. And it's actually working. We might actually get the party going here.

I love my little dehumidifier. Life is working again.

...except I've got half a liter of drinking water left and no places nearby where I can set up my fancy schmancy filter without raising eyebrows. It'll be off to the drop center again.

 

[cyndi]

Glad to hear things are going your way

 

[Oberneldon]

Some things take time - glad to see the progress

 

[SoulRaven]

I had parked here before.

I was friends with the security guard a block away, on shift that night.

I thought I'd be okay.

Choruses of hollers and honking rose and fell in the near distance, irritating me enough to put earplugs in early and mentally note to avoid the area next time when the Seahawks are playing. Joys of vandwelling in Seattle. Nevertheless I was exhausted and had arranged to give my friend a lift home in the morning so I couldn't be bothered to move. I was all set up for the night anyway.

I didn't hear what was happening until violent pounding caught my attention. Close. Voices. In a single movement I was at the window where pounding resumed and I instinctively yelled in my harshest, meanest, adrenaline-fueled indignation "HEY, GET OUTTA HERE!"

More pounding, They were trying all the doors. I grabbed my phone. Earplugs out. Calling 911. I climbed into the cab.

One was in front of me. The other was now somewhere near the back, rocking the van.

Some part of me thanked the heavens I'd driven here intentionally as I had a street address to tell dispatch. The one in front saw me on the phone, alerted the other, and after another 30 seconds or so they wandered into the darkness, one walking backwards and flipping me off as he did so. I glared back at him.

In hindsight I should have put the keys in the ignition and started the van to drive off, but due to a disturbingly long history of incidents with vehicles that won't start amidst dire situations it didn't surface in my mind as an option (true to form less than 36 hours later the van refused to start at all and required a tow).

The troublemakers disappeared quickly enough that I told dispatch don't bother sending cops out, and there didn't appear to be any damage to my van. Texted my friend, who arrived faster than the 911 call lasted - had I known he'd happened to be so close I would have called him instead.

Found another spot to park, just a couple blocks away, though significantly safer.

Had I been targeted an hour or two later I would have been physically incapacitated by severe menstrual cramps. As it was, the worst that happened that night was a bad scare, a lot of pain and no sleep.

Let's listen to our gut instinct next time, shall we?

 

[Iggy]

Wow, rough night! Do you have an alarm on your van that you can set off? I had someone try to break in at 6 this morning and I hit the alarm. Didn't see who it was but they hit the road quick. That's the third time in a year of vandwelling that someone tried breaking in. Hope it doesn't happen again, for either of us.

 

[SoulRaven]

No alarm...it's an '86, the previous owners installed an alarm a few years ago but said that despite taking it back to the shop multiple times it never worked quite eight.  A few days after purchasing the van one night 2 am the alarm randomly went off and wouldn't stop. Key fob did nothing.  Changing its battery and attempting again did nothing. Calling the line got an automated recording,  something about a recall. After an hour straight of the alarm cycling on and off finally made it stop by disconnecting it from the battery.

Short answer? No alarm, no.

Sorry to hear you've had so many break in attempts! No fun.

 

[HarmonicaBruce]

Good luck.

 

[SoulRaven]

I've drafted so many posts but haven't managed to actually post them. Rather than try to share everything, I'll just begin again from where I'm at.

I'm coming to realized I've carved out a niche for myself in a particular Seattle neighborhood that has me all set for basic needs. This place is now undoubtedly home. When I leave it, I miss it. When I return, it's like a horse going the direction of the barn. It's safe, it's quiet, it has decent public facilities and friendly people all over.

I'm an unusually recognizable individual, something that cannot be helped due to medical reasons. The moment I step out of my vehicle I stand out. Someone casually driving by is likely to do a double-take and remember me if they glimpse me again 6 months later. Being a grey man isn't anywhere close to an option. So to find a place where I can keep coming around and people continue to have no issue with it is special. There are a couple other vandwellers here, though most just stay a night or two and move on. I occasionally chuckle a bit when I see one parked in a spot I know they'll regret, from my own experience.

I've got 3 main parking areas I rotate between within the "home" area, as well as 4-5 other spots less ideal but are used temporarily or for a single night in a pinch.  It's nice to learn the rhythm of an area - when there's the most parking available, when your van is more likely to be in the way, which streets remain full of cars and which ones will completely empty and leave you sticking out like a sore thumb. There's a safety in knowing these things that you cannot get when just passing through an area.

I gained a lot of appreciation for this hidden gem of a place when I traveled to Everett to visit a friend and encountered the opposite. First night there I skipped the local parks with online reviews of druggies overrunning them, opting instead for a 24-hour QFC with plenty of cars in at 1am and a large 5th wheel on the edge of the parking lot. I parked fairly near it and was fixing myself a sandwich from the driver's seat before setting up for the night, only to notice some unsavory types milling about...then casing the 5th wheel. They got spooked when one of them noticed I was in my van watching them, retreated to the other side of the lot and continued to watch another 15 minutes before quietly vanishing into the night. I wasn't sure if I had scared them off for good or whether they'd return later, but I didn't feel like finding out. I headed off. A couple vandwellers stood out like a sore thumb along the main road; I couldn't bring myself to join them. Way too much foot traffic of the questionable type--this was still middle of the night! After a good 45 minutes of searching I at last found refuge in a hospital parking lot, and stayed there that night and the next.

I knew better than to remain a 3rd night in a row, so that evening I headed out to find a new spot only to discover a flat tire. The local gas stations all required quarters to operate, and the cashier couldn't understand English and just gave me a dollar bill. With the tire pressure gauge reading 10 PSI I hobbled across the street to an AutoZone, intending to purchase a 12 volt inflator once they opened in the morning, which I'd been wanting to purchase at some point anyway.

I didn't make it 'till morning.

I had only been parked there half an hour when I heard a noise that made me freeze. Something had tapped against my van. Then someone tried the door.

It just so happens that a couple seconds earlier I had got on the phone with a friend. We hadn't even said hello yet. I dropped my voice to a near whisper and provided commentary as I looked out the tinted windows, with no lighting inside to give me away.

He was standing outside my side door, shifting his body weight from one foot to the other as he observed my van, as if deciding what to do next.

Phone to my ear, I jumped through to the driver's seat and put my key in the ignition. Our eyes met. He watched me a few moments, then very slowly backed up a few steps and eventually turned and sauntered off. He was probably stoned out of his mind and looking for an easy target, but regardless I was shaken up. Ended up phoning a local friend, who sorted out my tire for the night and pointed me towards a parking lot that might work - the only one in that safer part of town that he didn't know for a fact was patrolled.

"It still might be", he cautioned.

"I'd rather be rousted by a security officer than by someone attempting to break in", I quipped.

I wasn't, though - and it was a lovely place to park on occasion, though the lot's morning cleaning crew would undoubtedly notice multiple overnights. "Wow, flat tire!" Oh geez. Yea, here's me, drawing attention from persons in business suits late for work who found themselves amused by the spectacle. Morning found my tire was as flat as flat could be, and after the recent safety issues the people milling around for a closer look had me on edge.

Luckily, I had a full sized spare in good condition and with a little help from a friend I was good to go. Old tire irreparable - torn. Damn. After running errands all day, including giving away my pet rabbit to a good home, I was finally ready to return to my little safe spot. I had had all the adventure I could stomach for now and was eager to return to some peace and familiarity.

My tire blew out.

On the freeway, after dark, in heavy traffic. Total blow-out. Somehow I managed to avoid an accident, miraculously. Though I had been in the right hand lane, another lane joined the freeway right where it blew, placing me in the middle lane. I somehow managed to control the swerving, hit my flashers and lean on the horn as I attempted to maneuver to the shoulder. Only %&*# the shoulder wasn't there! I had an itty bitty half (or less) of a shoulder before concrete barrier, while traffic is still coming at me full speed. I couldn't pull off. In addition, my flashers stuck on - an issue I'd noticed earlier that day with the first flat. Losing no time, I began a slow crawl, manually flashing my flashers as passing traffic had near miss after near miss. I expected someone to rear-end me any second. They weren't even slowing down. It felt like forever,but was probably only about 30-45 seconds before the shoulder opened up wide enough to fully pull over. Barely.

I turned off the van, in awe of having made it. I didn't even care about the tire - I was just amazed to be alive an uninjured.

Second tow in two months. Third month in a row of my van unexpectedly requiring a few hundred dollars worth of work just to run. Second time I've faced the end of the month with barely enough for the barest of essentials, holding my breath that nothing else goes wrong. Financial cushion = gone.

The place I was towed to happened to have a McDonald's next door. After assuring the truck driver I had a friend picking me up (not) he left and i hopped over to take comfort in fries and a decent restroom. I knew nothing of how safe I might be that night. It was an unfamiliar part of town, the street was already lined with truck drivers crashed out for the night and the restaurant's bathroom security was the most extensive and bizarre I've ever encountered, which didn't increase my confidence. For the second night in a row I slept fully clothed, uncertain of what I might encounter. But all was well.

Spring is coming. Back in my home neighborhood the cherry trees are flowering into gorgeous blossoms and some days the sun shows its cheery face. Though last week one morning read 35 degrees inside where I was sleeping, sunny days offer the opportunity to turn my van into an over and within the hour it's summer inside. Everything warms up and dries out, and I leisurely relax into the reality that I've survived the worst of winter.

It all gets better from here.

 

[cyndi]

Good to hear from you, Bitty

 

[gypsychic]

Good to hear from you, Bitty

X2. I was thinking of you just the other day and wondering how you are and then you posted. I'm glad you found a neighborhood to call home. Pretty soon all the minor things that go wrong on a new-to-you vehicle that can seem major when money is tight will all be replaced. Then you won't have these monthly unplanned expenses and you can start making planned repairs and replacement. Enjoy spring.

 

[SoulRaven]

"Hey, were you still wanting to come over tonight?"

We hadn't touched base in nearly a week, after comparing tentative schedules. We'd known each other just over a month and had developed a comfortable familiarity with the others' present life. My phone buzzed with the reply.

"Yeah, if you'll be in the area."

"Alright, the place is pretty disorganized due to a hasty vacuuming job but so long as you don't mind the mess..."

"I never do."

"Oh and the bed collapsed. But the plastic bins should hold it up for now, I think."

"Why did the bed collapse?"

"Something's out of alignment I can't fit back in. I'll show you when I see you."

"Alright, I'll see what I can do."

It's pretty fun the way community works. A mobile crash pad becomes a desirable commodity, particularly amongst those living in neighboring cities who have things to do here for 2-3 days. The invitation is only extended to individuals whose company I thoroughly enjoy, which typically also ends up being the type who love to give back by treating me to things, fixing what breaks, and springing me from jams. It ends up being a mutually agreeable arrangement of give-and-take in addition to good ol' friendship.

And for those without vehicles but do have a pace, the arrangements often happen in reverse - I'll save you hours of riding the buss if I can plug into your grid and use your running water/restrooms. It evens out to additional stuff like them putting me on their Costco card or chipping in gas money when needed, or me spotting them a bus far when they don't have the cash on hand. Again...mutually agreeable give-and-take, where neither takes advantage of the other.

Can it be possible? It is. It works and it's fun. It's friendship on a bit of a more intimate level than most people take it, but if works for me and has become a significant factor into how this lifestyle works for my situation.

 

[SoulRaven]

I don't stay in the city for fear of the less populated spaces - I've always loved the outdoors and gravitated towards areas with the fewest people whenever possible. That's actually my comfort zone, so I honestly find it hilarious that you've assumed the other way around.

There are several reasons why I stay in the city right now. The main reason is that most of what I need is in the city and I have neither the fuel money nor the physical capacity to drive in/out whenever I might need to. Last month was the second month in a row when halfway through I realized that half a tank of gas must last me the final weeks because I cannot afford anything else (same with food). The financial problems are caused by my van breaking down and needing a couple hundred dollars worth of work each month for three months in a row. 

Another issue I encounter outside the city is lack of cell phone reception (yes, I've tried antennas, those were some interesting harrowing experiences).

Taking an unreliable rig out alone to places where I lose communications, when I often become entirely incapacitated by illness and can't afford to acquire even basic emergency preparations would be downright stupid.

I'm really looking forward to long stints outside the city someday. I'm just smart enough to know that day shouldn't be today. Thank you for the suggestion.

 

[SoulRaven]

So, other than a food source (ups delivers in amazing places) there is no need to live in the city.

Reaching beyond yourself is what "vandwelling" is all about.

Food stamps cannot be used online. I've checked.

'Reaching beyond myself' is not the goal of vandwelling for me. I moved into a vehicle because there was literally no other option for housing. Vandwelling, for me personally, is firstly about survival and secondly the potential to thrive.

 

[SoulRaven]

Consciousness woke me slowly, until awareness jerked my eyes open and a half second later I was scrambling out of my sleeping bag. I had intentionally parked in a spot the sun would hit in the morning, but my severe insomnia had me asleep until noon. The inside temperature had swung from 45 to 95 degrees with me hunkered down in my sleeping bag.

I was hazily aware my mouth was dry before drifting off again.

Today was the day I would finally acquire more drinking water. I'd been running low the past few days, resorted to purchasing some, and then an offer from a friend fell through, leaving me no choice but to ration it as I scrambled for another solution. I'd be meeting with someone in a few hours to hopefully go over the details of what would be a mid-term solution.

The next time I woke up I realized the confusion, the 96 degree heat, and dehydration wasn't good. I forced myself to get up and drink the last of it, including a few mouthfuls of chilled iced tea I had kept in the cooler/refrigerator. Yay for (barely) avoiding heat stroke. A full bag of ice had disappeared in three days. I made a mental note to prioritize parking out of the sun when possible. It's sure be handy if I could connect those solar panels to run the fridge off of. But, barely keeping up.

I made it to the 2pm meeting with only a few bites of food in my system, picking up a volunteer shift at the same time as my water filtered and my house battery charged from the grid. Here's hoping the reimbursement details won't be finicky. 8 liters of drinking water later, my portable RO water filtration system began failing me. It may require a pricey new filter. I didn't have the chance to research it before my shift ended. Made a mental note to get on that ASAP.

5pm and I'm out the door and back 'home', ready for a good sandwich to sustain me. But the meat had gone bad. Three different kinds of meat had gone bad. I tried not to be too disheartened as I cleaned out my fridge. It made sense - I was just recovering from several days of living off power bars, chocolate hazelnut butter, and the occasional restaurant appetizer. Lacking the physical energy and mental clarity to fix yourself food really sucks sometimes. I reminded myself to purchase yet smaller portions as I tossed the smelly remains into my trash - OH - I'd better make sure to dump that today. I'm not even going to imagine THAT smell.

Like an automated system, my brain immediately generated a plan for the last few hours of daylight. I still needed to eat something substantial. Grocery store first for ice, meat, and tomatoes. Then to a local park, where I can park in a secluded spot to properly clean out my fridge without upsetting people, dump out my melted ice bucket and replace it with the newly purchased stuff. I went so far as to remove the entire fridge basket to wipe it all down properly with vinegar, which made me feel like I actually had my life together. Never mind I've been wearing the same 3 sets of clothing for weeks without laundering. I'll tackle one thing at a time, here. I finished up by connecting my fridge to the house battery instead of the starter battery. I had been running the fridge whenever the car ran, but my neurological issues often caused me to forget to turn it on or, worse, to turn it off. Giving myself a jump is only a novelty the first time. As of today I appear to have a source of electricity that involves neither emotional abuse nor physical safety concerns. This happily calls for an adjustment to the system.

At last, I had my sandwich, breakfast at 6:30pm surrounded by forested greenery and birds chirping. Lovely and peaceful. The front seats are now my kitchen and dining area, a change I was hesitant to implement but is working splendidly. Paper towels as plates, Water Wipes to clean down fruit and utensils, a combination sandwich spreader/knife and the fridge lid as a platform. Everything tucks away into place.

I even had the chance for a brief stroll to relish the final rays of sunlight on my way to the park's Honey Bucket. I congratulated myself on remembering to toss the Piddle Pail into my backpack first, seeing as it's full. I don't mind resorting to my backup but then emptying both of them in one dump is a real pain.

I've got about an hour left here before this spot begins to become shifty. The longer I wait here, though, the likelier it is I can find a good spot near my favorite "dumping station" with large public bins for recycle, garbage, and proper bathrooms open 24/7. A real gem of a place.

It's dusk now as I type this, one of those rare evenings when I don't have plans with a date or friends or the local community center. The brief moments of reverie are nice, a reminder my world doesn't always need to spin so fast. Yet thoughts crowd in, problems needing solutions, and I fight to hold them at bay to avoid being fully overwhelmed. I need more clothing, especially summer clothes. And some sort of sandals. Laundering solutions. Solar panels. Insomnia medications. Budget extremely tight, need to go over those numbers. Water filter research. Food bank hours and dates. So much to fix. So much to do.

But...

I think I will close the laptop now, pull out my guitar, and lose myself to the music for a bit. This is one of the few locations no one would mind and I just got new strings for it last week - lighter strings, that are just barley kind enough on my fingers to begin playing again after a decade's hiatus.

Just another day.

 

[cyndi]

Seems like you're making it work, Bitty! Excellent!

 

[SoulRaven]

So, question??? If you are short money then why not do a "Bob" and put up a website with your blogging and make money off the advertising that gets put on it???? You sound pretty smart and can use a computer, not like most of us oldsters who don't the difference between an IP address and a postal address.

I have a couple years' experience blogging a different genre and was closely engrained in that sector's blogging community. The only people who actually make money off it are those who can work it with the dedication of a full-time job. I'm very much aware of what goes into making a website successful and I do not posses those resources at this time. It may appear easy from a distance, but I'm smart enough to know when I'm simply not equipped to traverse a mountain I've known up close and personal.

Another factor is simply having he emotional wherewithall to respond to people making unhelpful suggestions/inquiries. I take shelter in this community's supportive atmosphere and moderators to keep things that way. I'm at a pretty vulnerable time in my life. I gravitate towards suicide some days. I keep trying to get mental health care for myself and keep turning up dead ends. I have the crisis hotline phone number in my pocket every day and use it as needed. Before all this I was diagnosed with PTSD and I frequently have panic attacks. A huge part of managing mental/emotional health is the environment you surround yourself with. For me personally, I find I need a community to write into.

One of my worst PTSD triggers is actually a trauma associated with public blogging (police involvement and legal stuff), and resulted in 7 years of silence - no blogging, no private journaling, no nothing. That was pretty painful. Writing forum posts as a log is considerable progress for me.

I've learned that I'm incompatible with anyone who looks at my life and goes "hey, why don't you do more/better?" I celebrate what I can accomplish so joyfully that people don't realize I punched through unimaginable hurdles to get there. They simply see I don't have the rest of my shit together and assume I just need a little prompting to get there. Remember, various professionals extensively reviewed my case and determined I require about 4 hours of caregiving per day in order to have the essentials of daily living addressed, and that was just for my physical and neurological issues. I'm not capable of taking care of myself, but I'm finding ways to make it happen. Most of the time that means a number of "essential" factors to life are compromised, including hygiene, critical paperwork, food/water, vehicle maintenance, etc. Any variation on "Why don't you just do more?" gets a momentary glance from me, a half smile of incredulity and a discreet roll of the eyes as I buckle down to tackle something else.

P.S. I didn't manage to dump the stinky trash last night. And I can't park close enough to dump it right now. I'd always wondered what rotting chicken smelled like...in the heat...