This thread interests me because one of my granddaughters (age nine) has a VNS and other medical issues (e.g. ADHD). When she is old enough, she will probably not receive assistance from social agencies and learning how others cope in similar situations might be valuable. She is a delight and a bundle of energy.
Nomadic life and dealing with disabilities
- Thread starter Cajunwolf
- Start date
Help Support Van Living Forum:
Cajunwolf
Well-known member
To be honest, the "social networks" are very limited and eaten from the inside out with bureaucratic rot. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good folks in the system, but they're choked by a cookie-cutter set of rules and procedures. Children learn, for example, by watching us, the supposed adults. Sarah's doctors tell me the best thing I do for her is to spend time with her out in the real world around real people. Treat her as a normal child because the worse thing one can do is try to make them someone they're not..
I was responding to your expressed concern about where and how to shop for things such as underwear for your daughter.
Her social worker may be able to link you with someone who can give you this kind of help.
Or, maybe you‘ll find a friendly adult female here who can do this for you.
I guess it depends how urgent the need. :sleepy:
Her social worker may be able to link you with someone who can give you this kind of help.
Or, maybe you‘ll find a friendly adult female here who can do this for you.
I guess it depends how urgent the need. :sleepy:
Cajunwolf
Well-known member
HeYeah, right now, I have one lady, near my age, who lives across the street, and she and Sarah have known each other since Sarah was five. She helps me when she can, especially with baths and shopping, but she has to help her son with his two kids as his wife, well. Let's just say he made a bad choice and leave it at that. My mother helped but passed away back in March; she was 95. I have three cousins across Texas and New Mexico, my sons, and first wife in Lafayette, Louisiana, and friends scattered all over the country who are more than willing to help. The RV will be perfect for this reason, they can't come to me, but I can go to them. My whole purpose of joining this forum was to meet like-minded folks, which I can get to know, they can get to know me, and every now and then meet up, or even travel together as a group of folks with disabilities as a support group for each other. I'm a very handy man to have around; I can fix most anything, like to converse, I'm honest and trustworthy. I enjoy helping others and need help myself, everybody needs help with something, but so many are afraid to ask. I was too until things became critical, and as you can see, I just let it out. I have to say that I'm getting a lot of support from members already, which helps more than I can express, so thank you for your honest replies.
Hi Cajun,
I’m a woman ( by birth) and no shame in asking for support or help. I get it. Everything you’re asking and some you didn’t ask ( but I understand anyway) I think you live pretty far from me or I’d volunteer to help out with the female stuff and a listening ear ( as I mentioned I have a disabled brother) I’m pretty blunt and don’t care if this gets me in trouble but I’m going to say that at this point your daughter and you come first and if her mother is a liability you’ve done your time. You’d be amazed how people can take care of themselves when they have to. Not always well but they survive. Time to take care of yourself so you can help your daughter. It sounds like you have a support system spread out. You can get support with bathing and dressing and feeding etc from local agencies if you’re interested. I love the idea of a disabled caravan only problem is travel is extra hard for the disabled. I’m not disabled per se but my back is horrible and I can’t drive for hours and hours or do much heavy lifting etc That might be a roadblock. Maybe not.
Anyway you’re doing very well. It’s hard and God bless you for putting your daughter first. You can do this.
I’m a woman ( by birth) and no shame in asking for support or help. I get it. Everything you’re asking and some you didn’t ask ( but I understand anyway) I think you live pretty far from me or I’d volunteer to help out with the female stuff and a listening ear ( as I mentioned I have a disabled brother) I’m pretty blunt and don’t care if this gets me in trouble but I’m going to say that at this point your daughter and you come first and if her mother is a liability you’ve done your time. You’d be amazed how people can take care of themselves when they have to. Not always well but they survive. Time to take care of yourself so you can help your daughter. It sounds like you have a support system spread out. You can get support with bathing and dressing and feeding etc from local agencies if you’re interested. I love the idea of a disabled caravan only problem is travel is extra hard for the disabled. I’m not disabled per se but my back is horrible and I can’t drive for hours and hours or do much heavy lifting etc That might be a roadblock. Maybe not.
Anyway you’re doing very well. It’s hard and God bless you for putting your daughter first. You can do this.
Cajunwolf
Well-known member
@LERCA
Thank you for your wonderful comment, and yes, I've got to walk away, you're right, doctors and social workers tell me it's the best thing for Sarah, but before I do I've got to put something place to make sure she gets the help she needs; I'll not throw a helpless mentally ill human being, the mother of my child, on the street adding to an already growing problem in America. Someday Sarah will be cognitive enough to wonder what happened to her mother, and I want to be able to look her in the eye, and let her know I did everything I could for her mother, I did the right thing, teaching right from wrong by example, that's how our children learn, watching their parents, step-foster parents, or guardians. It's a tough decision to make; I wish I could give it to someone else, oh I wish I could, but I've got to live with it so it's on my terms. Hey, if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride, right?
Thank you for your wonderful comment, and yes, I've got to walk away, you're right, doctors and social workers tell me it's the best thing for Sarah, but before I do I've got to put something place to make sure she gets the help she needs; I'll not throw a helpless mentally ill human being, the mother of my child, on the street adding to an already growing problem in America. Someday Sarah will be cognitive enough to wonder what happened to her mother, and I want to be able to look her in the eye, and let her know I did everything I could for her mother, I did the right thing, teaching right from wrong by example, that's how our children learn, watching their parents, step-foster parents, or guardians. It's a tough decision to make; I wish I could give it to someone else, oh I wish I could, but I've got to live with it so it's on my terms. Hey, if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride, right?
Cajunwolf
Well-known member
swlands said:
Kudos and well said. When, as a human being, you're faced with adversity, a serious challenge, or life has taken a running start before kicking you so hard in the crotch, it flips you upside down the big tough guy bovine excrement goes right out the window. I was scared to death to write what I did that started this thread, but once I did, I couldn't stop, and it just flowed right out of me. I'm glad I did because facing my fears and doubts head-on, and the great, supportive, and encouraging comments and feedback from others has done wonders. I'm feeling much better and especially knowing I'm getting the support of some of the women members, and I think that means the most because that's what I need.
After consulting with Cajunwolf I changed the title of this thread to more accurately reflect the subject being discussed. I also deleted the off topic posts.
Cajunwolf - I went back and read your first posts. You have been given advice by a number of professionals who know you, your daughter and your situation. It sounds like good advice to me.
Life is not perfect, we are not perfect. I try to be just a bit better today than I was yesterday, and I don't always get that right. I often fail to see things that are obvious to others.
In your situation you need to end the relationship. Lean on the advice of those professionals and throw the responsibilities at them to get the help your ex needs as a means to split up. It likely won't work that well, but split up. Your kid may not understand - she isn't perfect either. By posting here I hear your desperation, and from my comfy chair on the other side of the interweb I can't see an easy out. Rip off the band aids fast and then deal with your own healing. The slower you go the more the pain and bleeding. It hurts like hell because it is destructive. Things are already breaking. The only healing path is to split up and accept the consequences which may not be all good, but based on what I can see will be just a bit better all around. And don't go back.
You came for advice - that is mine.
Life is not perfect, we are not perfect. I try to be just a bit better today than I was yesterday, and I don't always get that right. I often fail to see things that are obvious to others.
In your situation you need to end the relationship. Lean on the advice of those professionals and throw the responsibilities at them to get the help your ex needs as a means to split up. It likely won't work that well, but split up. Your kid may not understand - she isn't perfect either. By posting here I hear your desperation, and from my comfy chair on the other side of the interweb I can't see an easy out. Rip off the band aids fast and then deal with your own healing. The slower you go the more the pain and bleeding. It hurts like hell because it is destructive. Things are already breaking. The only healing path is to split up and accept the consequences which may not be all good, but based on what I can see will be just a bit better all around. And don't go back.
You came for advice - that is mine.
Cajunwolf
Well-known member
@swlands
Thanks and good advice. I've actually had a long conversation this morning with her son, my stepson, and he might help out. I'm trying to get her, her SSI disability, but that's a challenge for some damn reason. I can introduce you to ten crack heads on my street who beg for money at intersections that have Medicaid and a $1k disability coming in every month. But it seems to get my 49-year-old spouse, who is certified batshit crazy, the same thing is a real problem. If this can be done, and I can arrange for a cheap 1-bedroom apartment here, down the street from her doctors, he will pick up the rest. I kind of told him how the cow eats cabbage and is he going to let his mother go to the street. He and his sister hate their mother, she was a horrible mother, but no one understood she was mentally ill until I showed up, and pointed it out. This is after I drove off her ex, her second husband, the two kids' first stepfather, a foul manipulative scum bag who had sexually molested her daughter, now my stepdaughter from age 6 to 12. He's dead now. Yeah, I walked into it, didn't I? I felt sorry for her, and those two kids came in riding on my white challenger, swinging Excalibur to save the day and ended up walking into hell. Still, I'm a much better man for it today because I've learned the hard way that when faced with what seems like the most horrible, impossible, and difficult situation one can imagine, you can push through it because you just have to, helpless people depend on you, there is no other choice.
A lot of people "imply," because it's an "uncomfortable topic," shouldn't be, that it must be a real burden to have to care for a child, well young lady now, like Sarah. And one would think so, but to me, she is a gift, a second chance given me by mother nature, and she inspires me daily to be the best man I can be. Who could ask for anything more?
Thanks and good advice. I've actually had a long conversation this morning with her son, my stepson, and he might help out. I'm trying to get her, her SSI disability, but that's a challenge for some damn reason. I can introduce you to ten crack heads on my street who beg for money at intersections that have Medicaid and a $1k disability coming in every month. But it seems to get my 49-year-old spouse, who is certified batshit crazy, the same thing is a real problem. If this can be done, and I can arrange for a cheap 1-bedroom apartment here, down the street from her doctors, he will pick up the rest. I kind of told him how the cow eats cabbage and is he going to let his mother go to the street. He and his sister hate their mother, she was a horrible mother, but no one understood she was mentally ill until I showed up, and pointed it out. This is after I drove off her ex, her second husband, the two kids' first stepfather, a foul manipulative scum bag who had sexually molested her daughter, now my stepdaughter from age 6 to 12. He's dead now. Yeah, I walked into it, didn't I? I felt sorry for her, and those two kids came in riding on my white challenger, swinging Excalibur to save the day and ended up walking into hell. Still, I'm a much better man for it today because I've learned the hard way that when faced with what seems like the most horrible, impossible, and difficult situation one can imagine, you can push through it because you just have to, helpless people depend on you, there is no other choice.
A lot of people "imply," because it's an "uncomfortable topic," shouldn't be, that it must be a real burden to have to care for a child, well young lady now, like Sarah. And one would think so, but to me, she is a gift, a second chance given me by mother nature, and she inspires me daily to be the best man I can be. Who could ask for anything more?
Cajunwolf
Well-known member
@rvwandering
Thanks so much for your help!
Thanks so much for your help!
1) your probably generalizing on the number of crackheads on disability (everyone seems to want to kick the guyCajunwolf said:
at the bottom, who has no power,rather than the guy at the top, who has all the power, for our problems)
2) the crackheads who did get on SSI did so when we had money, now we don't have money since we gave it all
to the guy at the top and are now running deficits.
-my neighbor is in the same situation as she has innumerable health issues but cant get approved for SSI. she is
rightfully upset but also chooses to blame the powerless...
jim
Taking a teen aged daughter shopping for clothes including underwear could be a real challenge for a single father especially if the girl is not able to be of a lot of assistance in that activity.
Back in the late 1960s I had a job while I myself was still a teenager working in the lingerie department at a department store. Even though I was a female it was very embarrassing to me at first to go into a dressing room and measure a woman for a bra. Of course I did have to get lessons in just how to do that. You have to first measure the area around the body just below the breast (called the band size) and then you measure around the widest area over the breast. The The difference in those two measurements determines the cup size. Those dimensions are easy to find online in charts which you could put into a file on your phone or save to a file on your computer. Of course being a teen your daughter's size will still be changing.
Of course I can easily understand a father's reluctance to get involved in taking those measurements. But don't worry you just need to head to a shopping mall with a Nordstrom, a Victoria Secrets store or a store such as Macy's where there are clerks in the women's lingerie departments. The clerks there will completly understand and be supportive of your situation and take care of that chore for you. They won't look at you as if you were some kind of pervert because you are far from being the only single father with a daughter who needs this kind of assistance. They can take your daughter into the privacy of a changing room. If need be they will even help her try on bras and other undergarments so that she is properly fitted. Remember I am speaking from a position of experience because I was once one of those clerks who helped teens as well as mothers, grandmothers etc. find undergarments that fit properly.
If you don't know the other sizes for your daughter's clothing you can use the same method. The clerks in various clothing departments will take her measurements for you and do so in the privacy of one of the dressing rooms. There are dressing rooms sized for handicapped with wheel chairs. Have them write the sizes on a card for you to keep in your wallet. You can then go shopping in less expensive stores for most of the items including thrift stores. It gets very expensive to keep teens clothed
Back in the late 1960s I had a job while I myself was still a teenager working in the lingerie department at a department store. Even though I was a female it was very embarrassing to me at first to go into a dressing room and measure a woman for a bra. Of course I did have to get lessons in just how to do that. You have to first measure the area around the body just below the breast (called the band size) and then you measure around the widest area over the breast. The The difference in those two measurements determines the cup size. Those dimensions are easy to find online in charts which you could put into a file on your phone or save to a file on your computer. Of course being a teen your daughter's size will still be changing.
Of course I can easily understand a father's reluctance to get involved in taking those measurements. But don't worry you just need to head to a shopping mall with a Nordstrom, a Victoria Secrets store or a store such as Macy's where there are clerks in the women's lingerie departments. The clerks there will completly understand and be supportive of your situation and take care of that chore for you. They won't look at you as if you were some kind of pervert because you are far from being the only single father with a daughter who needs this kind of assistance. They can take your daughter into the privacy of a changing room. If need be they will even help her try on bras and other undergarments so that she is properly fitted. Remember I am speaking from a position of experience because I was once one of those clerks who helped teens as well as mothers, grandmothers etc. find undergarments that fit properly.
If you don't know the other sizes for your daughter's clothing you can use the same method. The clerks in various clothing departments will take her measurements for you and do so in the privacy of one of the dressing rooms. There are dressing rooms sized for handicapped with wheel chairs. Have them write the sizes on a card for you to keep in your wallet. You can then go shopping in less expensive stores for most of the items including thrift stores. It gets very expensive to keep teens clothed
Plenty of people become van dwellers related to breakup so it really is relative to van dwelling especially when you consider that is how Bob Wells the co-owner of the forum became a van dweller. He could not afford to live near his kids any other way. It is always part of the discussion when he is interviewed about how he became a van dweller. He does not hide his motivation behind closed doors pretending it was for the fun and adventure of it.1shemp said:
Don't want to get into a pissing contest here but you missed the point.Wolf needs professional help,not a bunch of advice from unqualified lay people.Of which I am one.The advice he can receive here is worth exactly what he paid for it.Mr Wolf,please do yourself a favor and seek help from people who can help you.
Getting the heck away from the folks who are bat shit crazy is way less expensive than sending them all to see a counselor as well as needing for your own sanity. I ought to know I have been there and done that, I moved all the way north to Alaska and my trouble maker was afraid of flying. Problem solved
HaveYouSeenTodd
Member
I would hazard to say that, more than seeking professional help, CW was really seeking support from like minded individuals which IS something this forum may be able to provide. Personally, I think it was brave to do so. :thumbsup: :thumbsup:1shemp said:
HaveYouSeenTodd
Member
The other thing I would say is that you check yourself to make sure that what you are doing to support your child's mother, well meaning though it may be, is not standing in the way of her getting assistance (SSI or whatever else) so that you can step out of the picture in a way that you feel okay with. I.E. make sure that private support is not being used as a reason to deny public support.
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