Holidays and Being Single

[VanTrekker]

Holidays are tough sometimes.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; <br><br>For the first time today, I felt really alone.&nbsp;Dad is in the nursing home and is losing touch with reality. The dementia is worsening, his body weakening, etc. I was stressed out about Dad's bills and nursing home stay, my employment issues, some health problems, etc.&nbsp; All I wanted was to be around friends.&nbsp; I've had people&nbsp;ask what I was doing on the 4th and I said there were no plans - no&nbsp;place to go.&nbsp; People just shrugged it off... people I've helped to move, loaned money to, etc.&nbsp;&nbsp;I drove around town depressed&nbsp;and &nbsp;crying for a while, just hoping to find a business grilling a bratwurst or some hot dogs...&nbsp; but there was nothing.&nbsp; I just didn't feel like cooking.<br><br>Thankfully, I pulled in at the local grocery store.&nbsp; There were a number of people I know there.&nbsp; Some are single, some divorced or widowed, a disabled vet, some people with mental disorders, etc.&nbsp; The one thing we had in common was that we were all discarded by friends and / or family at some point.&nbsp; Many of&nbsp;us gather at the local dinners for those who are needy - financially or just for&nbsp; socializing.<br><br>The special of the day was barbecued ribs with 2 sides.&nbsp; It was a delicious meal and there was lots of lively chatter.&nbsp; It occurred to me that I have 213 "friends" on Facebook but they are not really friends for the most part. Most are&nbsp;casual&nbsp;social contacts that use me.&nbsp; None of the people I ate dinner with are on Facebook... and they are some of&nbsp;the nicest, most down to earth people you know.&nbsp; I'm going to focus on cultivating those friendships... not just accumulating numbers of Facebook.

 

[Guest]

There are lots of meanings of the word "friend":&nbsp;<br><br><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm; font-family: Arial;"><strong>1.&nbsp;</strong>A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.</div><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm; font-family: Arial;"><strong>2.&nbsp;</strong>A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.</div><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm; font-family: Arial;"><strong>3.&nbsp;</strong>A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.</div><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm; font-family: Arial;"><strong>4.&nbsp;</strong>One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement:&nbsp;<span class="illustration" style="color: #226699; font-style: italic;">friends of the clean air movement.</span></div><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm; font-family: Arial;"><strong>5.&nbsp;</strong><strong>Friend</strong>&nbsp;A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.</div><br><a href="http://www.thefreedictionary.com/friend" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">http://www.thefreedictionary.com/friend<br><br></a>The use of "friend" on Facebook, isn't meaning 1.&nbsp;<br><br><br>

 

[VanTrekker]

Yep... It seems like I have a lot of #2 type Facebook friends....&nbsp;&nbsp; *grin*

 

[dragonflyinthesky]

I'm with you in spirit Brad.<br>Diane

 

[lindngrl]

This is my first time posting a reply to anything......usually I just lurk and dream about the day I will finally be able to live free and pursue my hope of one day having my own vandwelling adventure.......however you touched my heart when you said at one time or another been&nbsp; discarded by family ....that made me sad and I just wanted to send you a hug. I'm definitely one of those people who realises you can be lonely in a whole room full of people. <br>Blessings to you

 

[LucyImHome]

I feel similarly. We humans are a social species. We seek each other out. But it seems people have changed to where acquaintanceship is more comfortable. I really don't have any friends. I have varying degrees of acquaintances. That's after living in this city for near 5 years now. I felt worse when I still had an expectation of finding a relationship that would qualify for my definition of friend, or partner. I'm working on not having that expectation. On the days I succeed, those days are good. I hear that you find what you seek when you quit looking. Hmmm. I think trust is the big issue. It takes years to build, seconds to destroy. I've been too quick perhaps to trust. I'm in a pickle right now because someone I thought was a friend ended up very much not and stole nearly $500 from me to boot.&nbsp;<br>I know what you mean about hoping for an invite, and not getting it. People will ask how you are or what you're doing but really don't want to know. Makes me sometimes want to answer truthfully. I envision the reaction to be akin to their encountering a wild animal. Avert the eyes, carefully back away, bolt out the door! LOL<br>I am by nature a very optimistic person, glass always full, and down periods are thankfully short. I guess the best suggestion I'd have for you is what I do, to journal. Don't think about how it, how it comes out, just throw it down.&nbsp;<br>I too am finding more "connection"? with the similarly disenfranchised. I've had great philosophical conversations with a fellow living in a tarp camp between some boulders, just down the alley. I've talked to a gentleman in the library about the challenges of cleanliness when you have to use public facilities. I talked to a disheveled man in a thrift store on his book purchase, how great the book is, and saw his appreciation of being seen, heard. I keep giving of myself. It isn't about the getting in return, I get that. It'd be nice every once in awhile though. It could be worse. Remind yourself daily of how remarkable life is and express gratitude for each moment.&nbsp;<br>I can't imagine how hard it is to be dealing with your father's dementia and the transition in your relationship with him. I can't imagine how frightening and disorienting it is for someone to have dementia. I get upset and sometimes dissolve into tears when I get turned around in a strange city. That would be their daily experience.&nbsp;<br>This forum is a great place to come, to find like minded folk. We may not all be on the same page, but at least it's the same book, frequently the same chapter!

 

[Wild_E]

Good post, good wordings, good meanings and makes me a bit less odd !<br><br>I am another discarded one I guess, alone in a room full of people !&nbsp;

 

[Guest]

Specificially, humans are a presocial species: &nbsp;<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_animal" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_animal</a>&nbsp; &nbsp;"<span style="font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 12.666666984558105px; line-height: 19.19791603088379px;">presocial animals can display communal living, cooperative care of young, or primitive reproductive division of labour,..."</span><br><br>"can" is the word. Doesn't mean we have to. &nbsp;In fact, is positively annoying when you set up camp and find other people want to camp right next to you - when there is miles and miles of space... grrr...&nbsp;<br><br>Thinking that humans are a social species, ends up with problems like "friends";&nbsp;<br><br>Social:<br><a href="http://www.thefreedictionary.com/social" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><br></a><div class="pseg" style="color: #000000; font-family: Arial;"><em>adj.</em><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>1.</strong><div class="sds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>a.&nbsp;</strong>Living together in communities.</div><div class="sds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>b.&nbsp;</strong>Of or relating to communal living.</div><div class="sds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>c.&nbsp;</strong>Of or relating to human society and its modes of organization:&nbsp;<span class="illustration" style="color: #226699; font-style: italic;">social classes; social problems; a social issue.</span></div></div><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>2.&nbsp;</strong>Living together in organized groups or similar close aggregates:&nbsp;<span class="illustration" style="color: #226699; font-style: italic;">Ants are social insects.</span></div><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>3.&nbsp;</strong>Involving allies or members of a confederacy.</div><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>4.&nbsp;</strong>Of or relating to the upper classes.</div><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>5.</strong><div class="sds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>a.&nbsp;</strong>Inclined to seek out or enjoy the company of others; sociable.</div><div class="sds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>b.&nbsp;</strong>Spent in or marked by friendly relations or companionship.</div><div class="sds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>c.&nbsp;</strong>Intended for convivial activities.</div></div><div class="ds-list" style="margin-left: 1cm;"><strong>6.&nbsp;</strong>Of, relating to, or occupied with matters affecting human welfare:&nbsp;<span class="illustration" style="color: #226699; font-style: italic;">social programs.</span></div></div><div class="pseg" style="color: #000000; font-family: Arial;"><em>n.</em><div class="ds-single" style="margin-left: 1cm;">An informal social gathering, as of the members of a church congregation.</div></div><a href="http://www.thefreedictionary.com/social" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><br>http://www.thefreedictionary.com/social<br><br></a>Your thinking 5, but more like 1. &nbsp;&nbsp;<br><br>Must admit, not seeing the benefits of this whole "social" thing. Lots of unwritten rules, that have no logic to how they fit together. &nbsp;Have you thought that you could be better off not having the dependency of needing social interactions?

 

[caseyc]

Hi Bradford,<br><br>I think you may need a change of environment. Sometimes just moving to a different place does wonders. Especially when the place is large enough to have plenty of people to interact with. &nbsp;I realize you're probably not looking for advice at this time, and you're simply expressing your thoughts for the day. I've been there before...many times in fact. &nbsp;Not currently in that particular scenario now, but I'm sure I will be in the future since history tends to repeat itself. &nbsp;But I know I always break out of it whenever I really want to. Good luck to you bud!<br><br>Casey<br><br>

 

[cleanheart]

I'm terribly sorry about your dad Bradford. That must really be stressful. I'm glad you are here and I'm glad you have a place to go. I've been alone all day myself. Did laundry and just putzed around Sweetie.&nbsp;<br>I finally had enough and walked over to the shop and there were people who want my company. Shocker! lol My family didn't call or text or invite me over, they never do.....they think I'm a fruitcake so be it!<br>When it comes time for you to pack it in and hit the road again maybe you'll find a better "place" for your heart.&nbsp;<br>Where are those dang hugging icons? lol&nbsp;<br>consider yourself hugged!

 

[Ziggy Moon]

I spent my 4th of July alone with a few episodes of reminiscing. <br><br>I can related to what rwj146 had to say above, "<span id="post_message_1278617882"><em>I don't do crowds well so I avoid most group gatherings</em>". </span>After reading through all of these replies&nbsp; - I wish I could of hung out with all of you for July 4th.<br><br>Touching Thread, VanTrekker - Thanks!

 

[offroad]

There is plenty of room for more toys at the island of misfit toys.&nbsp;&nbsp; You just need to discover where this island is.&nbsp; they exist.

 

[stude53]

<span style="color: rgb(128, 128, 0);"><strong>Island of Misfits </strong></span><div class="post_body"><p>I feel I hail from</p><p>the Island&nbsp;of Misfit Toys,</p><p>where nothing functions</p><p>and my speech</p><p>comes out as noise.&nbsp;</p><p>Despite the imperfection</p><p>others may perceive,</p><p>I feel complete inside</p><p>and have other tricks</p><p>up my sleeve.</p><p>So do not allow</p><p>what your eyes reflect&nbsp;</p><p>back to thee</p><p>judge me into a misfit</p><p>for you are not better</p><p>than me.</p></div>

 

[VanTrekker]

<p>Thank you for the kind words, everyone.&nbsp; I feel a lot better today.&nbsp; The stress level has been really high lately and for some reason the dam just burst yesterday!&nbsp; <br><br>Last night I went to a fireworks display, cooked some brats, and went camping in a neighboring town.&nbsp; It helped a lot!<br><br>Tonight I hung out with the different, older, non Facebook&nbsp;crowd.&nbsp; The acceptance is much greater.&nbsp; If we don't hear from each other, phone calls are made to make sure we're okay.&nbsp; The group is all "misfit toys" in some sense but the folks are pretty cool.&nbsp; The group also hangs out at the local free dinners...&nbsp;a place where a vandweller is welcomed. &nbsp;It dawned on me that for some it's the only real socialization some of the people (like me) get.&nbsp; I'll be joining them more and more.<br><br><br>Thanks again for the kind words.&nbsp; This is a wonderful clan of caring, helpful folks and I am lucky to be a part of it.</p><p>Brad&nbsp; V.T.</p>

 

[my_vantasy]

Hugs from Ohio!&nbsp; I had my chi-wow-wow to keep me company on the Fourth, but the rain kept us from exploring and taking the long walks we had planned.&nbsp; I would have replied sooner, but the weather also interfered with the Wi-Fi signal.&nbsp; Glad things look better to you today!&nbsp;

 

[FloridaGuy]

That is so rude when people ask you what you are doing on a holiday and when you say nothing they don't invite you to their get together. &nbsp;I don't think they intend to mean harm, maybe they were just making small talk. &nbsp;And Facebook can suck when you see your acquaintances have a birthday party and then a pool party that you were not invited to. &nbsp;I'm a bit of a loner, so I'm okay, but sometimes it's nice to be around others enjoying their company. &nbsp;I'm very shy too so that's not good, but once I get to know someone I'm okay. But yeah, I've spent a lot of holidays and birthdays alone. &nbsp;It is what it is. &nbsp;About 2 years ago I made one good best friend. He was busier than I was but we saw each other 2 times a month, we would alternated dinner and a DVD movie at one of our places. &nbsp;Then he got mad at me over something that was both our fault. &nbsp;He refused to speak to me after that. &nbsp;So if you find a good friendship value it like gold, but some people are more loving and forgiving while others will hold a grudge even in you apologize to them. &nbsp;

 

[offroad]

find it strange when people hold a grudge that once liked you as a friend. &nbsp;they seriously need more exposing to death in their family. &nbsp;you never really wish that, but for some it takes loosing a few people to realize that folks are more vaulable than the stupid slights we all percieve. &nbsp;small slights. &nbsp;not the major criminal things. &nbsp;

 

[RJCooper]

I did not read all the&nbsp;posts, but I am truly sorry for your father.&nbsp; I went through all of it with my grandfather and dad, between 2005 and 2006.&nbsp; It's tough.&nbsp; As for friends, I have two that I can count on and know hundreds, maybe thousands that I have helped in one way or another.&nbsp; <br><br>As for this past July 4th, I spent it and the rest of the week end paint a ladies house so she could start moving in on Monday.&nbsp; Not triple overtime pay, but 1500 in four days buys a bit of beer when the day is through at 9 pm.&nbsp; <br><br>Personally, I hate holidays.&nbsp; But this is because someone or I let someone wreck them for me.&nbsp; I treat everyday as the same.&nbsp; I honor b-day, and death days, that is it.&nbsp; All the other ones either or a marketing ploy or mean little to the masses.&nbsp;&nbsp; July 4th is not about fireworks and hot dogs, its about 30 % of the colonists doing what the other 70 % did not have the balls to do, stand up for independence against at the time the super power of the world.&nbsp; <br><br>You should do what I do when I am not invited, throw your own party.&nbsp; I have had more people I didn't know come to my camp and eat hot dogs, drink beer, throw horse shoes, etc.&nbsp; If you want socializing, then go to any campground during the peak camping season and you will have more than your share.&nbsp; Sorry if this sounds tough, but it is what works for me.&nbsp; <br><br><br><br>

 

[TxGypsy]

Holidays are horrible for me.&nbsp; The only family that I cared about or cared about me are dead.&nbsp; I now plan for holidays and generally try to be traveling at that time or have something set up so that I'm busy, but it doesn't have anything to do with the holiday.&nbsp; The absolute worst thing I can do is to have free time on those days.

 

[VanLifeCrisis]

Yeah, I have family here but some holidays are hard for me.&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; I have a hard time with christmas and new years, mostly because my ex wife and i split 2 days before christmas.&nbsp; I try to keep myself busy and always volunteer to work on those days.&nbsp; <br><br>The only friends i really have now are my family, and sometimes you yearn for other types...a true friend to share stuff with.&nbsp; But i don't socialize easy and most people just seem to pass each other by without developing any sort of deep bonds beyond romantic ones these days.