Women Only: I'm back!

[phyllisindallas]

I hear you, travelaround, and do not disagree with your perspective. All I'm saying is that I am not there yet.

 

[travelaround]

Karla, I think taking care of ourselves means . . . travel, having fun, making the most of life... they might think we're going to sit in a corner crying the rest of our lives but no, it isn't going to be like that. We deserve to be happy. You too, Phyllis. We're doing the right thing, to plan a nomadic, exciting retirement experience. There's more to life and we're going to find it.

 

[Pineapple]

Karla, it sounds like you have been through a lot in a short period of time, hugs! When it comes to work it’s so difficult to find a good fit, but never sell yourself short and certainly never ever allow anyone to abuse you, certainly not an employer, so kudos to you for recognizing the wrongness of it and moving on, it’s not always an easy decision.
Kids, they certainly have a way of hurting you like no other person in the world can, but at the end of the day, how anyone treats us is a reflection of themselves and not a reflection of you, especially our kids. I know it’s hard, but don’t personalize it, just keep an open heart and hopefully one day they will come around. I have 3 and I have very different relationships with them all, and I see where I fit in their lives at any given moment depends on where they are at in their life. It is what it is, and no amount of over thinking, hurt or frustration will change that. Sometimes I wonder if they even stop to see “parents” as people with feelings, or just “parents”. I also wonder in a world where everything is disposable, if we have a generation who sees personal relationships as disposable as well.
I feel your pain and worry you have about your daughters health, mine too struggles with severe health issues including her heart and I’m forever a mom, thus always worrying, hugs and prayers for you and yours!

 

[Gardenias]

There seems to be an epidemic of estranged children. It makes you wonder where they got the idea that this is okay. Were they somehow taught that in school? Every story is different, I guess.

Sorry, Gardenias, that this happened to you too. I can tell you - my situation has been ongoing for almost 20 years. I have never seen that daughter's children and probably never will. I am resigned to this, and no longer am willing to put my emotions into the situation. I gave the situation to God and I'm not even thinking much about it anymore. If she wants to be that way, I am okay with that, it is her choice, but I'm not going to sit here crying about it anymore. I'm going to go out and have fun and live a happy life.

Despite whatever my daughter's complaints are (and I have asked and she refused to tell me any reason for her estrangement) . . . whatever reasons she may have, it doesn't make me feel distress anymore, because I know God loves me and forgives me and accepts me, and that's what is important to me now. I wake up every morning and know that God loves me, even if my daughter doesn't.

Seriously, it gets better. After all these years, I don't think about her every day anymore.

Thanks so much for sharing. I'd been hoping and praying for some understanding and emotional support; and here it is on Karla's return thread which I fortuitously read. Before this, it seems I'd been emotionally circling, as I couldn't find any online resources. I saw myself as an exceptional mother and even shelved a possible career so that I could be flexible and available.

It's ironic that part of the reason for preparing for a nomadic life was so that I could visit with them without being an imposition and at their convenience. Again, I was willing to be flexible and available...sigh...

"... don’t personalize it, ...
...disposable, ..."

That's how one of my other children responded.
And that's how I'd been feeling...disposable...dispensable...

Like phyllisindallas, I, too, am baffled, painfully saddened, and in emotional turbulence.
Similarly, no pain hurts like those associated with children.
You posted what I hadn't been able to post.

I really hope it gets better.
I long for the emotional peace that you speak of travelaround.

Karla, I'm eternally grateful to you for raising this topic as the discussion has been therapeutic. Thanks for asking how our year was going. I appreciate your timely return!

 

[maki2]

Ah.  No, I can't beat your typing speed.  Oh well, it was a thought.  

That's how my second ESL job got to be.  Cambly pays 17¢/minute while you're on a call, so the most you can make if you're on a call for an hour is $10.20.  Most calls are shorter.  Many are people using freebie promotional minutes, and some of them are pervs.  I read my paralegal lessons between calls.

It is quite possible to increase your typing speed. It does take putting in the time to do the training excercises that are designed to increase your speed. I learned to type on a manual, in the second semester of it in high school I did hit 120 wpm on a one minute test. Of course it is difficult to sustain that for a 5 minute test, on that I did 85 wpm with 100% accuracy (on a manual where you have to throw the carriage at the end of every line). Practice with your eyes closed because your hand to brain connection will only work for very high speed if you can do it without looking at your hands! I still sustain a fairly high speed, fast enough that it totally annoys anyone in the room where I am working at writing something on a keyboard.

But very high speed rates also depend on the equipment . You won't get up to a very fast speed unless you work on a keyboard that can handle it.  A laptop keyboard will never give you high speed results. So part of preparing for making a decent wage with transcription is to get professional quality equipment. Then have a surface at the correct height for typing and a good chair. There are a lot of factors that come into play with achieving speed for keyboarding. This is no different than being a professional athlete, it takes training, lots of practice, good equipment, an ability to stay focused and sometimes even hiring a coach to take a look at your body positioning, someone who can correct what you are doing that is slowing you down.

 

[GypsyJan]

So glad to know I am not alone in being discarded by a grown child. I have actually come to be grateful for it as her values are so very different from mine. Thank the Lord I was blessed with an "heir and a spare." The "spare" more than makes up for the wild child.

 

[travelaround]

So glad to know I am not alone in being discarded by a grown child. I have actually come to be grateful for it as her values are so very different from mine.

That's a good way to look at it. I know I've prayed for my relationship to be restored with my daughter and the prayer hasn't been answered. I've often thought it could be that God is protecting me from her.

 

[travelaround]

I'd been hoping and praying for some understanding and emotional support;

Yes, there are a lot of us with broken families, with children ignoring us ... amazing how common this is, isn't it? I'm glad you found comfort in knowing a lot of us are going through this. The only reason I'm handling it well now is that it has been ongoing 19 years. In the last five years she got married, graduated from college with a PhD, and had two children. I was not invited for any of that though my other family members were invited to her wedding and have seen her children. It hurts... but I know God loves me even if she doesn't, and that means more to me than any hurt my daughter can give me. I don't mean to be a bad mother but after nearly twenty years of this I'm just tired of it. I want to go live my life and enjoy it. I put her in God's hands. He's a better judge of the situation than I could ever be.

 

[phyllisindallas]

So glad to know I am not alone in being discarded by a grown child. 

Me, too, Gypsy. I'm actually reticent about telling people about it, since I assume they will judge me and assume that I must have been a horrible parent, which I wasn't. Maybe if this hadn't happened to me, I would have assumed the same thing about someone else.

I've had a hard life, and had some truly horrible things happen (some of which ended up with people going to prison), but nothing has hurt me more than my child discarding me.

 

[travelaround]

Yes, that's true that people who haven't had this experience will be likely to judge us badly. It is providence that we've all found some support from one another on this thread. That's very rare, to get support for this kind of situation.

My daughter was influenced by her father and his girlfriend to be hateful toward me. The girlfriend had no children of her own and wanted mine, and had money and could afford a good lawyer, so I got shut out and lied about. They had two of my daughters under their control. The oldest one reconciled with me as soon as she could, and the youngest never gave me a chance to discuss it with her. That's why she hasn't spoken to me since she was a teenager and wouldn't tell me why. Three of my other children have told her she should talk to me and treat me kindly. The only reason my oldest son hasn't, is because she's shunning him too.

Well that's all ancient history now. My daughter is 37 years old and has had plenty of time to talk things over with me, but she hasn't. All I can do is pray for her. I'm way beyond my former attempts to contact her and work things out. The ball is totally in her court and she can play it any way she wants.

I realize I may seem hard-hearted about all this and I really do feel I've built a self-protective wall at this point. I've done everything I could to tell her I love her and it has all met with silence... so at this point, I just don't care to try anymore. I need healing, and I'm getting it through God, who heals broken hearts.

 

[phyllisindallas]

Travelaround, yes, I know you are in a different place, as we have talked about before, but not all of us are where you are.

I am thinking of an analogy right now. Someone has cancer, and survived and is now without cancer. Another person has cancer, and she will never be cured from it.

Maybe the person who survived cancer shouldn't tell the person with cancer how much better it is to let go of the cancer. Maybe the person with cancer wants to talk about how hard it is to live with it.

Just saying.

 

[travelaround]

Maybe the person who survived cancer shouldn't tell the person with cancer how much better it is to let go of the cancer. Maybe the person with cancer wants to talk about how hard it is to live with it.

Wow - I wasn't meaning to offend you with my story. Sorry if I did. You're welcome to talk about anything you want. I'll just go away. Feeling rejected again.

 

[Gardenias]

So glad to know I am not alone in being discarded by a grown child. I have actually come to be grateful for it as her values are so very different from mine. Thank the Lord I was blessed with an "heir and a spare." The "spare" more than makes up for the wild child.

Same here, after reading the experiences of Karla, phyllis, travelaround, and now you, I feel in empathetic company.

Differing values are the reasons I came up with on (the only way I could) my own.

"... I'm actually reticent about telling people about it, since I assume they will judge me and assume that I must have been a horrible parent, which I wasn't. Maybe if this hadn't happened to me, I would have assumed the same thing about someone else.
..."

Yes, prior to Karla's thread post, then yours, then travelaround's, I carried around lots of shame and guilt. I didn't know what I did or didn't do as a mother to deserve such treatment.

Well I had an acquaintance that leaned towards having questionable parenting skills; though, I would invite her out on Mother's day in case her children hadn't. I just figured she did her best, feeling relieved that I would never be in her position...ha!...was I in for a surprise!

".. It is providence that we've all found some support from one another on this thread. That's very rare, to get support for this kind of situation.

... The ball is totally in her court and she can play it any way she wants.

..."

I see Karla as an angel in disguise, because this particular support IS rare indeed!

Yes, it's never been in my court, and my door will always be open. I remember the cross stitch someone made, "A Mother's Heart Beats Strong" which has been my mantra when I felt my heart was shattering.

Though I admit, this worst behavior towards me so far has the potential to erode my trust.

"... You're welcome to talk about anything you want. I'll just go away. Feeling rejected again. ..."

Yes, and so are you! Please stay around and continue to share! Please feel accepted!

You have shared so much helpful information (probably memories you'd rather not refresh) which I find generous.

I'm thinking phyllis continues to be in lots of pain. I think I've been numb. When you speak decades, it may as well be forever.


Though, phyllis, it's imperative that we learn from the experience and wisdom that travelaround has shared to hasten our recovery because we never know how much time each of us has.

 

[LivGolden]

I understand all too well this pain - but differently. I often wonder if fate had been different, would I have suffered this heartache rather than the one that struck me.

We both lost, both our boys, many years ago. One at two years old to conjunctive meningitis and the other in his twenties to an act of violence. This would have torn many couples apart but it brought my husband  and I closer. I am so grateful to have had such a wonderful husband.

This which follows actually happened while I was attending a Cowboy Poetry Festival in Alpine, Texas:


_______________________________________________________


Dashboard Angels


I noticed the Salon, earlier in the day, as I was looking for a place to buy a cup of coffee. I'd turned down a wrong way street and was backing up when I saw Pearl's. The appearance of the building was what one might call 'artsy'. I decided that after I checked into my hotel, I would go back to Pearl's, if only to take photographs.

The exterior bricks of Pearl's Beauty Shop were painted in a motif which would be best described as 'Rubik's Cube'. The pink door had a small four-pane glass window. A large cloth dinner napkin depicting an Indian Boy stalking an American Turkey holding a powder rifle and wearing a Pilgrim hat was hung over the window.There was a canary yellow awning over the door and beneath it, a dried grass mat imprinted with, "We aim to please. Please you aim, too."I jumped over the mat and went inside.

I was met by a woman brandishing a curling iron. It was Pearl. Pearl looked like she should have been smoking a Doral and browsing through a True Detective magazine. Her bouffant was impressive. I noticed a goose egg over her brow. She addressed my unspoken concern by telling me that she'd bowed too abruptly over the wash basin as she flipped to spray the back of her doo. I pretended to understand.

I explained to Pearl that my hair was natural and asked her not to cut it too short. Pearl told me to relax and instructed me to sit in the middle chair. She said she'd be right over to tell my curls what to do. Pearl's fearlessness helped make up my mind to stay.

I sat down and waited as Pearl sorted through an apothecary jar of various scissors. She decided on what she called her thinning sheers. " Relax. I'm joking.", Pearl said. In the chair to my left was a woman about my age. In the chair to my right was an older woman. Neither spoke directly to me but, to my horror, they were about to speak right through me.

As soon as I sat down, the younger woman began grilling the older woman on where all the fig newtons from the MRE's the National Guardsmen had given them were. The older woman claimed she didn't know where the fig newtons had gone to and that everyone in town knew full well that she was a border-line diabetic and that her sweet, young doctor did not allow her to have Fig Newtons, anyway.

Pearl was wetting my hair with water from a plastic spray bottle when the older woman suddenly jumped up and demanded Pearl wash the purple rinse out of her hair so that she could go home. I clenched my jaw and sank into the chair.

The older woman called the younger woman, She". "She' sits there all high and mighty when the truth is 'She' is hiding a Dutch Girl quilt in the trunk of the convertible. "That's right. The quilt of which I speak is in the trunk and the car is parked right outside up on the curb." And all 'She' is worried about are a few fig newtons."

As the women left, I noticed they were wearing the same style slacks and their cardigans, though not the exact design, were very similar.

Pearl told me that the women lived together. The mother was a widow and the daughter never married.

I imagined the mother's blue curls floating out the car window and into the sky as her daughter drove their convertible home.

Some bonds are so strong that when they fall apart it feels like a hatchet to the head.

 

[Cammalu]

I love your writing Liv. Keep it up

 

[LivGolden]

:heart: Very nice of you to say so -Thank you, Cammalu.

 

[travelaround]

Liv, when I read your comment I was filled with sadness at what happened to your sons. I'm so sorry for the grief you went through. My heart is aching for everyone involved in those losses. Also for everyone here who has an estranged child. It is often said, "into each life some rain must fall" - well, that's the title of an Ella Fitzgerald song. I think we all must go through painful things but your loss seems greater than mine.

Your story is amazing. Thanks for sharing it with us . . . now I know why you're called the storyteller! I also have a flash fiction habit... really, a wonderful art form. I have a few of my stories on my blog and have made some videos of them too.

 

[LivGolden]

" I also have a flash fiction habit... really, a wonderful art form. I have a few of my stories on my blog and have made some videos of them too."

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Thank you, travelaround. I think calling this flash fiction thing we do a 'habit' is spot on. But it's not a bad habit so...
Channeling yourself through any art form is just a good thing - writing;painting;basket weaving;gardening - all good. 

I want to view more of your videos. I'll do that, today. 

Cheers

 

[LivGolden]

I enjoyed your videos, especially the one on Perfectionism- that resonates. I sometimes suffer over a single word or use of a semicolon...lol 

I understand-

I'm looking forward to viewing more of your videos. I like that you use prompts to get your creative on, also. (I'm entranced on a object as I type.) I've been paying attention to more prompts, lately, from reading posts in these different forums. As different as they are, they are also on the same route. That's so comforting.

Anyway, thank you.

Liv

 

[travelaround]

Thanks for watching my videos, Liv. I'd forgotten about the Perfectionism video. I should get back to making videos more often. It was fun ... too bad I got derailed.

Are you going to WRTR? Maybe we should have a writers' neighborhood group there. Then I'd feel I was really in my element. I love writing flash fiction to a prompt with a group of people, then reading our stories to each other.