Kind of stagnant...

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Jun 8, 2022
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A little background, I feel is necessary.

Warning, I talk about spiritual things.

I had a traumatic childhood I was lucky to survive.

It has, put me into a permanent from of Crisis, that only recently (The last 3 years...) have I begun to battle/accept/forgive/let go of.

Recently, I lashed out at some immediate family (over text...) while drunk and it felt so freeing.
However, my living situation could be affected over it, legally I have time, and while I could have ended up, "Shooting myself in the foot", it could also be the best thing for me. (I am not worried. I have been through so much at this point, I have survived so much, I refuse to allow it to put me in any sort of fear spiral. I have a lot to lose, essentially, but that is always true, and I know I would quickly gain it all back, as when I set out to accomplish something, I get it.)

I have been, trying to heal from my childhood, heal from my past (deeply traumatic events.), and let go, forgive, so that I can experience wholeness in this life.

I am 44.

I have already built one live in camper van, and I found happiness in that.
I have a lot of possessions that I could sell, (vehicles, tools, etc.) however, my "spirit" (gut area) has forbidden me from selling anything and moving on.

My two younger brothers, were not subjected to the traumas I was, and both, are happily married with good careers, children, a wife, etc. I once blamed my parents and society etc for my woes, however, I am seeing things differently, my future, my destiny is in my hands, not anyone elses.

I have ignored my gut, spirit, all of my life and have been steadily, moving away from myself, however now, I am trying to discover who I am.

So, before all of this, I was in the middle of building another live in camper van, but this one was a heavy duty build, I already extended the frame of a 1 ton Express van, and am in the middle of making it a 4x4.

However, it seems as if my spirit also said no to this...

The answer could be, recently, I discovered, that I was so abused and traumatized as a child, I was forced to, "Become someone else" for so long, I did end up forgetting who I was.

And, the reason it has prohibited me from selling things or continuing building this van is, because it would be, so done from a foundation of trauma, fear, escapism, despair, etc. And, as much as my ex was wrong about a lot, she was right about one thing: I do not need a new chapter in my life, I need to close this book and start a completely different novel! (I am also a novelist, but unpublished.)

Recently, too, I ended up getting robbed of essentially my life savings and my money by an ex and her son.

So, I have been to the depths of despair, and this was actually recently... However, I have made-baclk some of the money by working, and now am able to finish the van, but I am hitting the same wall.

I should also say, if I ignore my gut/spirit, I usually end up paying a price for it, so much so, that when it speaks, or hurts, I listen!

It was originally my idea to start a business in my field of work, construction, (plumbing) hire people, get my license, etc, after a one year hiatus after selling some land I owned. That healing journey, before my money was taken, got me, the ability to rest, so that I could deal with my trauma.

Right now, I am operating on the woo-wei principle, which is of, allowing things that are, to be, and resting in the present moment. (as best I can. I come from manipulators and control freaks. I am trying to let all that go.) I have, forced myself to perform for so long, that I simply cannot do it any longer, or something must change, or I will die.

I feel like, I have progressed enough, where I am, essentially there, however... It feels like...

I am still lacking that one final thing? The thing that gives me the go-ahead from the universe.
I feel like this is a good place to lay this out there and get some advice on.
I accept that, part of my progress forward, is needing to take steps backwards in order to progress forward in a healthy, safe direction and momentum.
Your posting makes me realize how fortunate I am to have always known who I am. Even as a young child who could not yet read or write I knew that feeling and 70+ years I still have that. Of course I could lose it if I ever got dementia but fortunately my family tree does not have a lot of that disease.

You do not have to dwell in that emotional state of confusion all of your life. The choice is up to you to move on and quit worrying about it and just seek happiness moment by moment everyday without wasting more time on questions that can never be answered. You can not change yesterday or even any other person, including changing the core essence of yourself but you can start really living one day at a time this very day and having a good peaceful life for the rest of your life.
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