thetundrawolf
Member
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2022
- Messages
- 13
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- 5
A little background, I feel is necessary.
Warning, I talk about spiritual things.
I had a traumatic childhood I was lucky to survive.
It has, put me into a permanent from of Crisis, that only recently (The last 3 years...) have I begun to battle/accept/forgive/let go of.
Recently, I lashed out at some immediate family (over text...) while drunk and it felt so freeing.
However, my living situation could be affected over it, legally I have time, and while I could have ended up, "Shooting myself in the foot", it could also be the best thing for me. (I am not worried. I have been through so much at this point, I have survived so much, I refuse to allow it to put me in any sort of fear spiral. I have a lot to lose, essentially, but that is always true, and I know I would quickly gain it all back, as when I set out to accomplish something, I get it.)
I have been, trying to heal from my childhood, heal from my past (deeply traumatic events.), and let go, forgive, so that I can experience wholeness in this life.
I am 44.
I have already built one live in camper van, and I found happiness in that.
I have a lot of possessions that I could sell, (vehicles, tools, etc.) however, my "spirit" (gut area) has forbidden me from selling anything and moving on.
My two younger brothers, were not subjected to the traumas I was, and both, are happily married with good careers, children, a wife, etc. I once blamed my parents and society etc for my woes, however, I am seeing things differently, my future, my destiny is in my hands, not anyone elses.
I have ignored my gut, spirit, all of my life and have been steadily, moving away from myself, however now, I am trying to discover who I am.
So, before all of this, I was in the middle of building another live in camper van, but this one was a heavy duty build, I already extended the frame of a 1 ton Express van, and am in the middle of making it a 4x4.
However, it seems as if my spirit also said no to this...
The answer could be, recently, I discovered, that I was so abused and traumatized as a child, I was forced to, "Become someone else" for so long, I did end up forgetting who I was.
And, the reason it has prohibited me from selling things or continuing building this van is, because it would be, so done from a foundation of trauma, fear, escapism, despair, etc. And, as much as my ex was wrong about a lot, she was right about one thing: I do not need a new chapter in my life, I need to close this book and start a completely different novel! (I am also a novelist, but unpublished.)
Recently, too, I ended up getting robbed of essentially my life savings and my money by an ex and her son.
So, I have been to the depths of despair, and this was actually recently... However, I have made-baclk some of the money by working, and now am able to finish the van, but I am hitting the same wall.
I should also say, if I ignore my gut/spirit, I usually end up paying a price for it, so much so, that when it speaks, or hurts, I listen!
It was originally my idea to start a business in my field of work, construction, (plumbing) hire people, get my license, etc, after a one year hiatus after selling some land I owned. That healing journey, before my money was taken, got me, the ability to rest, so that I could deal with my trauma.
Right now, I am operating on the woo-wei principle, which is of, allowing things that are, to be, and resting in the present moment. (as best I can. I come from manipulators and control freaks. I am trying to let all that go.) I have, forced myself to perform for so long, that I simply cannot do it any longer, or something must change, or I will die.
I feel like, I have progressed enough, where I am, essentially there, however... It feels like...
I am still lacking that one final thing? The thing that gives me the go-ahead from the universe.
I feel like this is a good place to lay this out there and get some advice on.
I accept that, part of my progress forward, is needing to take steps backwards in order to progress forward in a healthy, safe direction and momentum.
Warning, I talk about spiritual things.
I had a traumatic childhood I was lucky to survive.
It has, put me into a permanent from of Crisis, that only recently (The last 3 years...) have I begun to battle/accept/forgive/let go of.
Recently, I lashed out at some immediate family (over text...) while drunk and it felt so freeing.
However, my living situation could be affected over it, legally I have time, and while I could have ended up, "Shooting myself in the foot", it could also be the best thing for me. (I am not worried. I have been through so much at this point, I have survived so much, I refuse to allow it to put me in any sort of fear spiral. I have a lot to lose, essentially, but that is always true, and I know I would quickly gain it all back, as when I set out to accomplish something, I get it.)
I have been, trying to heal from my childhood, heal from my past (deeply traumatic events.), and let go, forgive, so that I can experience wholeness in this life.
I am 44.
I have already built one live in camper van, and I found happiness in that.
I have a lot of possessions that I could sell, (vehicles, tools, etc.) however, my "spirit" (gut area) has forbidden me from selling anything and moving on.
My two younger brothers, were not subjected to the traumas I was, and both, are happily married with good careers, children, a wife, etc. I once blamed my parents and society etc for my woes, however, I am seeing things differently, my future, my destiny is in my hands, not anyone elses.
I have ignored my gut, spirit, all of my life and have been steadily, moving away from myself, however now, I am trying to discover who I am.
So, before all of this, I was in the middle of building another live in camper van, but this one was a heavy duty build, I already extended the frame of a 1 ton Express van, and am in the middle of making it a 4x4.
However, it seems as if my spirit also said no to this...
The answer could be, recently, I discovered, that I was so abused and traumatized as a child, I was forced to, "Become someone else" for so long, I did end up forgetting who I was.
And, the reason it has prohibited me from selling things or continuing building this van is, because it would be, so done from a foundation of trauma, fear, escapism, despair, etc. And, as much as my ex was wrong about a lot, she was right about one thing: I do not need a new chapter in my life, I need to close this book and start a completely different novel! (I am also a novelist, but unpublished.)
Recently, too, I ended up getting robbed of essentially my life savings and my money by an ex and her son.
So, I have been to the depths of despair, and this was actually recently... However, I have made-baclk some of the money by working, and now am able to finish the van, but I am hitting the same wall.
I should also say, if I ignore my gut/spirit, I usually end up paying a price for it, so much so, that when it speaks, or hurts, I listen!
It was originally my idea to start a business in my field of work, construction, (plumbing) hire people, get my license, etc, after a one year hiatus after selling some land I owned. That healing journey, before my money was taken, got me, the ability to rest, so that I could deal with my trauma.
Right now, I am operating on the woo-wei principle, which is of, allowing things that are, to be, and resting in the present moment. (as best I can. I come from manipulators and control freaks. I am trying to let all that go.) I have, forced myself to perform for so long, that I simply cannot do it any longer, or something must change, or I will die.
I feel like, I have progressed enough, where I am, essentially there, however... It feels like...
I am still lacking that one final thing? The thing that gives me the go-ahead from the universe.
I feel like this is a good place to lay this out there and get some advice on.
I accept that, part of my progress forward, is needing to take steps backwards in order to progress forward in a healthy, safe direction and momentum.
