So are you looking to date or is this just a mental masturbation exercise? So many use words to just deflect or confuse rather then being straight forward ans saying what they want. What do you want? what are you trying to say!???
Straight forward? Yes! Dating by nature is short term. A first glance. My plan is to look and actually do my best to see.
So I am going to choose where to look for a suitable companion.
My wife died two years ago. She was perfection. I was never alone, even when I was away at work. Men work.
If I only look for the negative in a date, that's what I will find.
If my mind set is to look for perfection, My search will be fruitless and a waste of time and energy.
Using my senses to best advantage, it's possible that I will locate and date a women who is faced with the same and like me may have given up on life but who has come to the realization that there is still life (time) to enjoy.
For most of my adult life, I've been one half of a whole. I worked to be a better half, she also worked at being a better half. Most of the time we were in harmony.
Recently I did a "date". At first glance, it was fun and was expectable. Then I discovered that she wished a more social life with what I choose to call high rollers. I also discovered that she had divorced 5 men. upon further investigation, I found each to be irreconcilable differences. I did not want to be arm candy until the new wore off or the bank account ran dry. My time and effort were wasted.
At this point, I don't know what the dating life will turn up.
I do have the courage to keep my eyes open but will narrow my search. I will look for some one who has had a good life but is now a widow or who has escaped an abusive relationship and wishes to remain escaped. Who is willing to launch into an entirely new life's adventure.
I have a home that holds too many wonderful memories. When I go to that place, every inch is a reminder of my wonderful past.
Now I wish to make a wonderful future. I know that I can do it alone but I know that it will be hollow without some one to share that future with.
I am willing to live alone and take pleasure from passing conversations. But the quiet times will be empty, I'm not going to like that very much.
You asked if this was verbal masturbation. NO! I'm filling one of those quiet times with planning and action rather than ruminating memories over and over.
For the past two weeks I have attended a senior luncheon near here and have found that there are many such groups within easy driving distance. Most have many more women than men.
One such place has women attending who live in subsidized housing and others from shelters, crammed in like sardines at night.
I've kept my mouth shut and eyes and ears open. I serve meals for a short time. I wear worn clothing and I don't shave.
I leave and arrive in my old battered pickup. Not much from the look of me.
Twice now I've had a conversation, mostly listening, women like to talk.
A few have verbalized dreams of a better day tomorrow a better life, One such woman said she was a better cook than the catered meals served. None were gold diggers.
When the weather gets warmer and being outside is more comfortable, I was thinking of asking some of them to come to the local park to prepare an outdoor meal and that I'd take them all to the local market to select foods to prepare which I would provide. I have a fully functional kitchen in my trailer.
Then just sit back and watch them go at it. No strings, just a great day at the park. A new memory.
Of course I have an ulterior motive. One of them might tell me that she would like to do that again. Maybe more than one. Let the selection process begin. Of course I'd nudge this along by saying something like that was a great day, Lets to it again some time.
Over the last year I've had women stop by who knew my wife had died. Almost all wanted me to attend some church.
I am not interested in being taught how I should live "right".
I am not interested how to dress "right" or spend my time "right". I'm not going to be brain washed into conforming to some one else's vision of "right", "good" and "proper".
So-- I am here now, typing on this cheap keyboard. I'm pushing my memories back and verbally looking forward. Instead of being all knotted up with tears held back (men don't cry),
I'm planning on tomorrow and next week and next year.
I am planning on two courses of action, alone or with a companion.
In any case, in another 6 weeks or so, I will begin. Everything is already in place for either. I'm not full of criticism or envy or hate. I am self sufficient as I am but still half empty.
Enough -- I am going into my garage now and do some other getting ready things. Hands on stuff. That space is big and has an echo. Then sleep and begin again tomorrow.
