Turned 65 today, completely alone

[StarEcho]

Loneliness sucks!  I totally understand that.  If you are lonely because the people around you are all jerks and don't want anything to do with you that is one thing.  But....no one is going to beg to be your friend.  You have to reach out first.  And I know first hand that it's hard to reach out.  I don't have any friends where I live because of that simple fact.  I don't want to make the effort.  That's on me and I know it.  

Living mobile isn't going to change that for me.  I have a lot of "friendly acquaintances" when I am out on the road and I cherish them.  But if I am sick and hurting, not a one of them would be banging on my vehicle door asking where I was and worrying about me (or at least not for a good long while).  I'm not on their radar that way.  And while if I'm having a pity party for myself I cry about that, in reality it's ok.  I know that going in, that I'm alone and it's MY responsibility to ask for any help I need or any company I want.  

I just want people to realize that living in a van or RV does NOT make someone outgoing or a friend magnet.  So the good news is that is something that can be worked on wherever one happens to be in life.  At the same time, I realize that I don't know you or your circumstances, so I'm not judging you or saying I think you are like me.  I just wanted to share my experience and hope that it helps you think about things.

 

[Ballenxj]

  But....no one is going to beg to be your friend.  You have to reach out first.  And I know first hand that it's hard to reach out.  I don't have any friends where I live because of that simple fact.  I don't want to make the effort.  That's on me and I know it. 

  We have a thread on here somewhere about making a point of striking up a conversation with at least one stranger a day. Not hard for me I might add, because I will talk to anybody. Long story short, I started by asking a person at McDonald's where a certain location was. I was given directions and help by a particular person that showed me how to best use google on my phone. We ended up sharing tips and tricks back and forth whenever I ran into those guys there. Now I often go there just to hang out and drink coffee with them, all the while meeting more and more of their friends and acquaintances. The two original guys turned out to be farmers, a couple truck drivers, one older gentleman that rides his bicycle there and lives in a tiny trailer. A couple are avid fishermen, and another that used to fish commercially, but now builds furniture.
We all now sit around BSing and solving the worlds problems.
You have taken the first step by coming here. Now just expand on that as you feel comfortable in doing so.

 

[AmieW]

I have reached out to many people to make connections and have found that even though they seem to like me initially, they never follow up and even when I try to follow up, they make all the usual promises about coming by soon or meeting somewhere and never do. I'm beginning to think I'm cursed. The worst thing is that I used to have tons of friends, but for some reason, down here in FL, it's harder for me. I had one really, really good friend who I hung out with a lot. She and I had everything in common. One day, we talked on the phone about getting together, and after that I never heard from her again. I left message after message on her phone and sent her emails. I was really worried so I went to her son's house and he said he didn't know what was going on, that she hadn't said anything to him, but he would talk to her and get back to me. He never did, and it started to make me mad. She still has furniture I left with her because it wouldn't fit into the truck when I was moving. I wanted it back for a long time, then I just decided it wasn't worth it.

Here, my biggest problem seems to be not having a car. I tried to get involved in a gardening community, but I couldn't get to the meetings because they were either off the bus routes or held at night when the buses didn't run. I thought I had made friends on there, but when I asked if anyone could possibly meet me at the last bus stop to get me to the meeting and let me pay them to take me home, they all suddenly stopped contacting me at all. It wasn't that much to ask. I lived about a mile from the monthly meeting place, but no one wanted to help me.

So you see why I just would rather live in a van going from place to place. When I say I want "community," I mean people who care about each other, not necessarily people who are going to be your lifelong friends. Sure, I'd like to have a couple of close friends, but I feel like this must be bad karma coming back on me for some reason. I'm destined just to die alone.

 

[Ballenxj]

 Here, my biggest problem seems to be not having a car. .

Can you ride a bicycle? This may be a temporary answer to your transportation needs?

 

[Cammalu]

I'll probably get beat up for this but here goes.

I think that people believe, if they find out you are in a hardship position, then you will be needy emotionally and financially. I know there are times when I don't ask a friend to go somewhere or do something because I don't want to embarrass them financially. It's never that I don't value them as friends but I only ask friends that may be able to afford a special outing rather than ask someone I know can't afford it.

I'm not wealthy at all but have a decent income I can rely on but I sure couldn't afford to be friends with the very wealthy people because I couldn't afford to go where they can and I'd always be left behind.

On the good side there are many vandwellers out living on basically about the same income that you have so we know it's possible and even satisfactory.

Your in a difficult position but have to find a way to help yourself and get a vehicle and get outta there! The world, and friends, await.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[Every Road Leads Home]

Hi Amie,

Happy Birthday and welcome to the forums. I'd say posting here was an excellent first step in fixing your future to one that is more your liking. There's a great group of people active on the forums here and I think just joining in on some of the conversations will help ease some of your loneliness. Lots of people private message back and fourth as well. I have several members I exchange pm's with and even though I've not met them personally, it's nice to check in with them from time to time and see how they're doing. You can also read through some of the older threads on how people with lower incomes make this lifestyle work. After a little research you can then make your own game plan and start working towards it. The best way to combat depression and loneliness is to keep moving. A body in motion stays in motion. Work towards your goals everyday, even if it's only a few minute task, it's one more roadblock out of the way to achieving the ultimate end goal. Occupying your mind keeps it from wandering to the darker areas.

Hope to see you active on some of these threads, I think you'll find it's an enjoyable place to hang out.

 

[HarmonicaBruce]

Hi Amie,

Happy birthday.  I'll be 70 in about a month.  No one gives a rat's behind about me, my son who I delivered and raised alone hasn't called me in years.  I have hundreds of (facebook) friends.  I have more fun than anyone I know.  I'm the 2016 harmonica champion of Indiana, Ohio, and runner up in Iowa.  

Good luck!

 

[rvpopeye]

Welcome aboard Amie!
It's always darkest before the dawn.
The tribe here are a shining light like the sun.
Come on out and get a tan !

 

[AmieW]

Can you ride a bicycle? This may be a temporary answer to your transportation needs?

I do have a bicycle, but again, there is a problem. Riding bicycles here isn't very safe, especially in my part of town. This is a college town, and we have the highest bike death rate in the state and one of the highest in the country. I used to ride my bike a lot where I lived before, but there just isn't a safe way to do it over on this side of town, where traffic is much heavier and faster. I usually just walk or take the bus.

Plus, in regard to those meetings I was talking about, they are way too far away to ride to on a bike, and I'm definitely not going to ride my bike at night.

 

[AmieW]

Your in a difficult position but have to find a way to help yourself and get a vehicle and get outta there!  The world, and friends, await.  

I know what you mean, (and I won't bash you) but I don't think that would apply to someone who is just asking for a ride for a mile or two and offering to pay.  Everyone knows how independent I am, and how I hate asking for any help. But maybe they do see it snowballing into me asking for more once they do something, although that isn't how it would be. I've had people say "Call me anytime you need something," and I never do. I want to maintain my independence as long as I can.

I've had people try to take advantage of me in that way and I learned to just say no. I had one older lady (family friend) who I felt really sorry for, but she had so many doctor's appts. and she was always calling asking for a ride. She had no money to pay me, so it was literally a favor. I was almost relieved when I got a full-time job and couldn't help her anymore. Later, I found out that she was addicted to pain killers and was "doc shopping" for more prescriptions, which was why she had so many appts., so in a way, my taking her everywhere was enabling her.

That isn't my situation, though. I don't ever ask for help unless I absolutely need it. Maybe my independence turns people off, who knows?

 

[Ballenxj]

I do have a bicycle, but again, there is a problem. Riding bicycles here isn't very safe, especially in my part of town. This is a college town,
<-------->
Plus, in regard to those meetings I was talking about, they are way too far away to ride to on a bike, and I'm definitely not going to ride my bike at night.

Gotcha. That's the reason I switched from road to mountain bikes a lot of years ago. I couldn't jump a curb or get out of the way fast enough without major damage on the road bike.
Small scooter maybe?

 

[GHostRiDer]

Hi, Happy Belated Birthday! I really feel your pain, I was there for a long time myself. To think life is not worth living is the worst thing in the world. I did a lot of introspection, read a lot of self help books and got some good counseling. All in all, I found out my feeling of worth was up to me not anyone or anything else. Most of the people who do this lifestyle are basically loners to begin with. I have no family to speak of and no real close friends. I work 3 days a week and I love my alone time. I also have a son who I have not seen his face in over 6 years and he lives less than a mile from me. Many single women are van or truck camping alone, many have disabilities. Check out Caravan Carolyn, and some of the people she camps with sometime on YouTube. You might also want to check cheap rv living on YouTube, Bob interviews many women who van dwell and who live on less a month than you do. You are 65 so you have Medicare (I imagine) that is a lot more than some of the women who are in there early sixties have.

Van dwelling will not change your life, it might give you a new perspective. Please don't take this as harsh, like I said I have been there. Misery loves company, but company does not like misery. No one wants to hear someone who complains all the time, or finds reasons that nothing will work when advice is offered that was asked for. Your son talks to you still, every week you say. Can he help you? Do you have belonging to sell, furniture, clothes, what have you, because you will not be needing them if you live in a van. Ask your son for help, all he can say is no. Tell him how you feel, yes you may lose him too that's a chance you may have to take. If your not living on SSDI and just SS you can still work and make all the money you want now that you are 65. Find a job that you can walk to and put that extra money away for that van, you can find them for 5000 or less. Really check out Bob's cheap RV living YouTube channel. Go see someone and get some antidepressants sounds like you need them and don't be ashamed to do so. You would not hesitate to take medication for heart trouble or diabetes. Depression and Anxiety are actual diseases, the brain does not secrete the right chemicals. I work with nurses and doctors who have been on those medications for years, even surgeons. I myself take them and have for over 14 years and believe me they have made a miraculous difference in my life. I had to go through several before finding the right ones for me. There is no magic drug, you will still feel depressed at times and problems will still find you. America is the greatest land that ever existed on this planet. I started over twice with only the clothes on my back, once with a two year old. It may be the hardest thing you ever do (I don't know you) but self independence sure feels good and hard work never hurt anyone.

"Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown"

 

[Stymie]

keep your chin up, there are a ton of people out there.

 

[DannyB1954]

Many years ago when I quit drinking, (1978), I complained about being bored. I was told that only boring people got bored. Everyone else would find something to do. That kinda pissed me off, but it is also true. There were a million things to do, but I chose not to. I could always generate an excuse not to do something.

A most effective way to get out of self is to help others. Volunteer at a food bank, animal shelter, visit people at retirement homes, hospitals etc. When I think that I have it tough, I have to ask are there others that would like to exchange problems with me.

You say that you live in a college town. Many colleges waive fees for seniors. Take a class that interests you. Make acquaintances with younger people. I bet your local Parks Department has a list of activities that they sponsor, (nature hikes, bird watching, or whatever). As far as being alone on the road, there are a number of clubs that you can join like Loaners on Wheels. There are a number of people that travel in a caravan.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There are times when life can be a struggle, but there are also times it can be a real joy.

 

[DrJean]

It's tough being alone when you never planned for it! I mean, we all assume that because at some time in our lives we have family and friends, that we'll ALWAYS have family and friends. Not necessarily so as you have unfortunately found out.

Suicide is an option but it's not a solution, and it's not your best option right now. Put that one up on the back of a dark shelf some place okay?

What I've found is people don't really want to end his/her life but WANT THEIR CURRENT LIFE SITUATION to end. Right?

You're at a crossroads right now---and you can totally change your life. You can. You came here and hopefully have seen that you aren't really alone....maybe physically but not spiritually and psychologically.... the group here knows what you feel and are going through and many have gone through it themselves.

AND that's key---gone THROUGH it. When you find yourself in this hell, don't stop, keep on going!

You haven't always been so depressed, and you won't be so depressed in the future...give yourself credit for reaching out here...and keep going!

 

[jonthebru]

A couple of things. One of the main differences between an introvert and an extrovert is that introverts can play at being an extrovert much better than an extrovert can at being an introvert. Extroverts are really driven to be around other people. I am 66 and spend most holidays alone by choice. I have only recently figured out my personality traits in that regard.
I am involved with many people though, through a non profit I volunteer with. All ages, genders and personalities. It's a non commercial radio station so you can imagine the jugglers and the clowns it attracts.
So that is my suggestion. Involve yourself in some kind of people oriented activity. Serve at a soup kitchen or help at a food bank or something. I'm pretty lazy so neither of those things appeal to me. Find something that involves your skillset from your working career, but a little different. If it is out of doors and involves a little exercise, all the better.

Finally, I had a tenant for several years who stopped taking his meds late last year and had a terrible resurgence of bi-polar behaviour. It made the lives of everyone around him miserable with torturous, hostile disruptive abuse. Really and truly, I am not exaggerating. My point is that if you have "presence of mind" and know how good it is to respect others, accept their respect in return and breath freely and sleep well, you are ahead of the game. There is nothing anyone can do to help this young man unless he chooses to accept the help offered to him.

Just my two cents. With that and $1.50 (or whatever the going price is in your area.) you can find a cup of coffee in town.

 

[ArtW]

Welcome! I can't really offer any better advise than you've already been given, but welcome anyway

 

[A Wing and a Prayer]

There are a couple things I have learned in life:

1. You can't force anyone to like you. They either do or they don't. Try harder to impress usually just makes things worse. Show that you are interested in them and usually they respond.

2. There is a simple, quick and effective cure for loneliness. Find someone who is as lonely or lonelier than you and try to help them. Is there someone in your neighborhood who never gets guests you could bake a batch of cookies? Is there a retirement home nearby you could send some cards to be given to residents who have no family? Or could you volunteer there? I bet just thinking about these things has lifted some of your loneliness already. Just remember you need to focus on helping the other person and not how this is making yourself feel.

Hope this helps.

 

[SoulRaven]

I was thinking about route 66 the other day, and how I'd love to see this big old country I've never seen. Like I said, all I want is to find a community of caring people so I don't feel so alone and forgotten.

But now i have a goal to work towards! YAY!

Route 66 is a hoot!  My favorite part is through Flagstaff.  

I'll be 65 in 2 weeks or so.  I'm not much help as far as suggestions, but as someone else posted; "You found your tribe"

 

[DeeLugton]

'Hey AmieW. I pray you don\'t give up.  There are a lot of people out here who really care.  I started out as a nomad in January at the RTR in Quartsite.  Met some great people.  I live on 800 a month and started out in a car.  Watch Bobs video woman living in a car on 800 a month.  I am in Washington right now but will be back in Quartsite Az in October.  Would love to meet you.'