Turned 65 today, completely alone

[AmieW]

I'm so alone. I could die and nobody would know. I have no friends here, no means of making any. All I have are the remnants of the life I lost in the Great Recession. I think about killing myself, and writing on the wall "I'm so alone. My life is so hard. And nobody cares," but then I think that would kill my son too, because he would blame it on himself, so I just keep going.

I want to do something exciting before I die. I want to have a community of people who care about me. I've been in this town for 3 years, and I don't have one person I can call a real friend.

I don't have much money. I get less than $700 a month in SS and $194 in food stamps, plus whatever I can make working online. I spend every penny I have here just to survive. I rarely have any money to spend on myself. I worry that if I go out on the road, I won't be able to work because I won't be able to afford the expensive wifi setup, so I'll be stuck going into town to work every day. Still, anything is better than being alone.

I always had this picture of my family around me at this age, a big birthday party and so much fun. Life didn't turn out the way I planned. I sometimes don't want to live anymore if it's only going to be this. My son called tonight and I tried to stay upbeat, but I wanted to cry and tell him how lonely and depressed I am. I just don't want to bring him down or make him feel guilty. He's clear on the other side of the country, so there is really not much he can do, and he at least calls once a week.

I mostly miss having someone to talk to. I love conversation, and I can't tell you the last time I had a long conversation with anyone other than my son. I miss having friends more than anything else I've lost. Loneliness will kill you inside.

So I'm thinking seriously of being a vandweller, because I can't see sitting here dying alone. Problem is I don't have any money or even a car. I figure if I work very hard for the next few months, I can get some sort of van and fix it up to where I can make it to RTR and see what I find. It has to be better than this.

 

[hepcat]

Hi Amie! Happy Birthday! AND... Welcome to the forums... you have just found your tribe. We're ALL fringe-livers in one way or another. There's a lot of good, caring people who visit here, and I'm sure that if you hang around here a while you'll "meet" some really fun and interesting folks.

Hang in there... life isn't always a bowl of cherries, but it doesn't have to be a bowl of lemons either. The name of the forums is "CHEAPrvliving.com" and there are some folks here doing what they want to do on very little cash. If they can do it, you can too. It's just a matter of working it out for what YOU need.

Welcome aboard!

 

[cyndi]

Amie! Happy birthday and welcome to the CRVL forums! This can be a very affordable lifestyle and you can have friends, everywhere. Start researching and saving money. You can make this happen.

To help you learn the ins and outs of these forums, this "Tips & Tricks" post lists some helpful information to get you started. We look forward to hearing more from you.

 

[waldenbound]

I can relate Aime, I am so alone, it's crushing actually. But, there's a better way, and I'm going to do it. I"m getting out of here sitting in my corner staring at the computer.
I'm getting out of this prison called my home. Soon, a long ribbon of highway and a patch of dirt will be my home.

You can do it. There are many of us out there now. Join us.

 

[slynne]

I am sorry you had to spend your birthday alone. I hope you can make a nomadic life work for you. I have found that having it as a goal has helped my own mental health. I hope you find that to be the case too. Good for you for taking concrete steps towards making connections with other people by joining this forum. There are lots of good folks here.

You can do it. You can get a van and live well with little money. You can move around and visit people like your son. You can meet new people. Happy Birthday! And happy first day of your adventure. Welcome.

 

[florida8th]

Hang in there, I'm in a similar situation and saving money to buy a van, I hope I at least next summer I can make it to RTR and meet some good people I don't get much money like you and I have some debt that I have to pay but being on the road with no rent will help out a lot good luck, I have just joined this forum recently and found that there are a lot of good people on here, go to YouTube and watch a lot of videos, I recommend pandemonium, campervan Kevin, nomadic fanatic, will Burson, just to name a few you can learn a lot of info from them good luck and I hope to see you out there.
Bob Kountz

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[AmieW]

Thanks. I know it's possible if I want it badly enough. I had to move 5 times in 5 years, and I always seemed to come up with the money for that. After moving so much, all I wanted was a place I could settle down and not have to move again, but I chose the wrong place. Now I just want to get out of here and go somewhere better, somewhere friendlier where people really care about each other.

 

[decodancer]

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you've got lots of time to live your dreams. You'll find friends here, lots of good advice, and a boost up when you are down. Just think, by age 66 you could be traveling down route 66.

 

[florida8th]

Has anybody on here ever traveled the Lincoln Highway

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[AmieW]

waldenbound, i like what you said about "this prison called my home." All I wanted was a place to settle after losing almost everything and having to move 5 times in 5 years. Now I just want out of this lonely, unfriendly place.

I used to love to drive, but I got tired of it when I realized that I always had to go to everybody else, because nobody ever came to visit me. I think now I'd love to just drive and drive and not even know where I'm going.

 

[AmieW]

 Just think, by age 66 you could be traveling down route 66.

I was thinking about route 66 the other day, and how I'd love to see this big old country I've never seen. Like I said, all I want is to find a community of caring people so I don't feel so alone and forgotten.

But now i have a goal to work towards! YAY!

 

[BradKW]

 

[djkeev]

Wow!
What a post!

You're 65,
You said you have a son.......
Finances are tight
You had more but lost it in a financial downturn.

But really that's all you told us about yourself.

What part of the Country are you located in?
You don't have a vehicle right now, where do you live?
You work online? What do you do that generates income?

I lost a house once, what a horrible feeling of helplessness and failure! This too was in a period of a bad economy in the late 1980's.  
It took some time but I've recovered, older, wiser, hopefully smarter?

We currently have lived in this town for 13 years. The number of people that I truly know I could count on one hand. I accept a lot of the blame for this. We viewed this as a temporary stop on a bigger journey so we kept to ourselves. We didn't attend a church or get involved in various local clubs or functions. Honestly, we currently have plans to leave and the leaving will be fairly easy having put down some very shallow roots. Sadly, looking back we squandered a LOT of opportunity that we should have grabbed when we had the chance to.

But one cannot cry over poor decisions made, we thought it was the right thing to do at the time but the flipping of dozens and dozens of calendar pages has shown us differently.

Anyway,
There aren't many problems that can't be handled in some way. The hard part is figuring out what that way is, and I think you've taken the first step to changing your life somehow.

Few of us have really met each other in person, but we frequently chat with each other. Some of us are full time residents of this alternate lifestyle, some of us dabble like a vacation and some just dream of doing so.


The harsh reality is the while Vehicles can be had quite cheaply if you aren't picky. A vehicles ultimate cost is way more than the purchase price, but I'm sure you know that.

Just so you know, suicide is a really selfish thing to do and it creates horror and heart break for anyone that crosses your path!
I once knew a guy who did himself in with a gun leaving not only a horrific scene to those who found it but he also left an ugly nasty mess to cleanup. Sorry, there's no nice way to put that, but I'm sure that you've got the image in your mind.  There is no public agency that steps in to cleanup these kinds of messes, it is done by the property owners or people hired by them.

If I may ask,
What is your relationship with your Son?
Good or Bad?
If bad...... why? Can it be fixed?
Is there a daughter in law or grandchildren? 

Don't despair or give up hope, things are rarely as grim as they appear at first glance.

Anyway, I've rambled on ........ we ...... the collective "we" on this site really do care and many of us not only care but some stand ready to offer real help if possible.

Keep us posted, check back into this thread frequently and share your life events with us.


Dave

 

[AmieW]

Thanks for the post. You've asked a lot of really personal questions. I'm not really good about opening up to people with details until I get to know them better. Maybe I'll share more later.

 

[jimindenver]

Happy birthday Amie.

You can meet some wonderful people out here. What helps is the same thing that makes it so you can meet people were you are. Being outgoing and taking the chance to say hi, strike up a conversation, etc. Most of the people I call friends I initiated the contact even though I at times prefer to be able to retreat all alone to my camper out in the middle of no where for weeks at a time.

 

[Ballenxj]

Happy Birthday Amie, and cheer up, it'll get better.

 

[Gunny]

Amie, many of us are loners, either by choice or happenstance. You ARE among friends here. If you have any questions just ask and if you get lonely just join a thread that may interest you.

There's a girls room but I can't say that I know what goes on there, I think they have a password or something. J/K.

I have met and talked to several single women who are traveling and seem to enjoy it.

Oh, and welcome to the forum.

Rob

 

[Jahmai]

Happy Birthday! Hold on and make a plan...I am in almost same position...I do have an old Subaru Outback I am planning on moving into till I can save enough money for a good used van. My son is moving to another state..and I too do not want to slowly wither away. Good wishes and prayers for your success!

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[karl]

Welcome. Your post expressed concerns many of us can identify with.
I recently had my 65th birthday, and was surprised at the soul searching that came with it.... I was alone as well, though did get a text from daughter.
My bitter ex managed to drink herself to death ten days earlier, and I was granted the opportunity to reconnect with some of the inlaw/outlaw family, who I had drifted away from in shame and an effort to minimize strife.
Both occasions contributed to my deciding to "get busy living"- a change from the example my ex chose.
I have taken steps to reconnect with the positive influences and folks in my community, and renewed efforts to sell and give away things that have little use to me.
Small steps outside of our comfort zone can lead to understanding that many of our prisons are self imposed, and that being a friend, freely giving something of ourselves( even a smile or greeting), risking loving others, asking for help, all come back to us if we allow it too.
I have begun stopping at a local diner for coffee once a week, and have made friends with a couple regulars. We have not solved any world issues, but often share what has made us happy in our lives.
Many years ago, when the world was flat, and I knew every answer, I was divorced and depressed. A customer of mine was a counselor and recognized that I was isolating from others and all things joyous. His advice connected me with others struggling to find our way, and I joined a group setting as well as individual counseling. Without the support of those people that were in my life for a relatively short time, I would not be alive to make choices today.

You are not as alone as you think.

Already you have new people who care enough to respond, and that is pretty cool,eh?

 

[RVTravel]

Happy birthday! You should probably go talk to someone about getting on some meds to help you cope with your feelings for awhile. I would if I felt that way. There is no sense in living life sad for very long. We all have our whole life ahead of us ; ).