I'm so alone. I could die and nobody would know. I have no friends here, no means of making any. All I have are the remnants of the life I lost in the Great Recession. I think about killing myself, and writing on the wall "I'm so alone. My life is so hard. And nobody cares," but then I think that would kill my son too, because he would blame it on himself, so I just keep going.
I want to do something exciting before I die. I want to have a community of people who care about me. I've been in this town for 3 years, and I don't have one person I can call a real friend.
I don't have much money. I get less than $700 a month in SS and $194 in food stamps, plus whatever I can make working online. I spend every penny I have here just to survive. I rarely have any money to spend on myself. I worry that if I go out on the road, I won't be able to work because I won't be able to afford the expensive wifi setup, so I'll be stuck going into town to work every day. Still, anything is better than being alone.
I always had this picture of my family around me at this age, a big birthday party and so much fun. Life didn't turn out the way I planned. I sometimes don't want to live anymore if it's only going to be this. My son called tonight and I tried to stay upbeat, but I wanted to cry and tell him how lonely and depressed I am. I just don't want to bring him down or make him feel guilty. He's clear on the other side of the country, so there is really not much he can do, and he at least calls once a week.
I mostly miss having someone to talk to. I love conversation, and I can't tell you the last time I had a long conversation with anyone other than my son. I miss having friends more than anything else I've lost. Loneliness will kill you inside.
So I'm thinking seriously of being a vandweller, because I can't see sitting here dying alone. Problem is I don't have any money or even a car. I figure if I work very hard for the next few months, I can get some sort of van and fix it up to where I can make it to RTR and see what I find. It has to be better than this.
I want to do something exciting before I die. I want to have a community of people who care about me. I've been in this town for 3 years, and I don't have one person I can call a real friend.
I don't have much money. I get less than $700 a month in SS and $194 in food stamps, plus whatever I can make working online. I spend every penny I have here just to survive. I rarely have any money to spend on myself. I worry that if I go out on the road, I won't be able to work because I won't be able to afford the expensive wifi setup, so I'll be stuck going into town to work every day. Still, anything is better than being alone.
I always had this picture of my family around me at this age, a big birthday party and so much fun. Life didn't turn out the way I planned. I sometimes don't want to live anymore if it's only going to be this. My son called tonight and I tried to stay upbeat, but I wanted to cry and tell him how lonely and depressed I am. I just don't want to bring him down or make him feel guilty. He's clear on the other side of the country, so there is really not much he can do, and he at least calls once a week.
I mostly miss having someone to talk to. I love conversation, and I can't tell you the last time I had a long conversation with anyone other than my son. I miss having friends more than anything else I've lost. Loneliness will kill you inside.
So I'm thinking seriously of being a vandweller, because I can't see sitting here dying alone. Problem is I don't have any money or even a car. I figure if I work very hard for the next few months, I can get some sort of van and fix it up to where I can make it to RTR and see what I find. It has to be better than this.