Starting now from scratch to begin Van Dwelling

[Cotie]

Right now I am living in Halifax, Massachusetts about a 15 or 20 minute drive north of Plymouth, Massachusetts.

While serving in Viet Nam I read a book titled "Travels With Charlie" by John Steinbeck about his travels in a pickup camper.

Since then the seed of doing that and having a strong curiosity gene have been in my mind.

I'm originally from Louisiana, but married a girl from Weymouth, Massachusetts while serving in the military in Boston, Massachusetts.

We were married for 44 years until Tuesday October 21st when she passed away from cancer. I had to watch her slowly pass away while in the Cheyne Stokes breathing syndrome and my grief is profound beyond description.

I live in a Mobile Home in a retirement park and need to get it fixed up well enough to sell and get it sold as fast as possible. Every inch of this place, inside and out has some reminder about my wife.

After I get it sold I will have the money to buy a van and then hopefully I can find someone to help me set it up with electricity, I have no aptitude for doing something like that.

Yesterday, while in a very emotional state I wrote an email to Bob and I'm afraid I kind of poured my heart out. The mornings seem to be the worse time, like right now.

To my amazement he responded to my email with the best advice I have received yet on dealing with this grief. If you read this Bob, I can't thank you enough for responding to me and giving that advice. For the rest of yesterday I was in much better state. But, Im on a roller coaster and now have to get thru this day.

I think joining this forum, getting the the funeral service and starting in earnest getting ready for my new life will greatly help heal me.

 

[rvwandering]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Mornings are hard when you're dealing with a loss. Please post about anything and everything as you go through this and as you start getting set up for van dwelling. People here will be willing to help with all of it.

To help you learn the ins and outs of these forums, this "Tips & Tricks" post lists some helpful information to get you started. We look forward to hearing more from you.

 

[PastTense]

Welcome! Ask here for advice on anything you need help with!

 

[cyndi]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Cotie. I hope the wonderful memories you created and shared with your wife can help you find peace and bring you solace in the days ahead.

Thanks, for your service, too. We are in your debt!

I'm so glad you wrote to Bob. Every once in awhile our little community can get a little polarized and cranky. But for the most part, and especially when things get tough, the people here are the most supportive and helpful I know. We're here to help!

 

[akrvbob]

Cotie, I an't tell you how much I admire your bravery for reaching out to strangers in this time of horrible grief. When I was grieving I told nobody and tried to do the whole thing alone. It was over a year before I told anybody but my immediate family and he was my best friend.

Going it alone made it so much worse for me. I wish I had been as brave and wise as you are!

I believe the best thing you can do is throw yourself into creating a new life and your wife will be very pleased to see you struggling to be happy again.

We're here for you whatever you need.
Bob

 

[sassypickins]

Cotie, you are already my hero and inspiration for reaching out at this sad time instead of going it alone. I will bet your wife would be pleased and proud of you.

Not knowing your circumstances, I will just throw this out there as an option for you with regards to downsizing. There are senior transition services who specialize in helping seniors sell their things, pack, move, relocate, etc. I can't recommend any particular service, but here in Oregon I researched several to help my mother. I learned that some are very reputable and others are not. I ended up doing everything myself for my mother, but I could see that for some, the stress relief of hiring a service could outweigh the cost.

A reputable service will do everything for you once they know your wishes, from the initial sorting, selling, donating, and packing to leaving a clean home to put up for sale. If this is something that interests you, your community senior center may be a good source for referrals as well as talking to seniors who have used these services to move to senior living communities.

 

[janncoo]

Reading your post I relived that moment when you lose a loved one and your heart breaks. I am awkward at these moments and offer you a hug. Jan

 

[SoulRaven]

Hi Cotie, I am also sorry for your loss. I think you will find a group of friendly, helpful people on this forum. And welcome from a fellow VietNam Vet. Thanks for your service and I hope you have safe travels. Bob J.

 

[Theadyn]

Hi Cotie and Welcome! Am so sorry for you loss. I too lost a spouse watching them die from cancer, right before my eyes. The grief is unbearable. Still is, 2 years later. Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. And I understand that part of seeing them everywhere. Was told over and over don't make big changes the first year, but how can you see any one item they aren't attached to in our thoughts? Existing in a refuge where they are everywhere is hard. Hang in there and take care of you. And thank you for your service!

 

[Patrick46]

Hello Cotie, and Welcome to the forum!

I too offer my condolences for your loss, and hope this transition in life goes as smoothly for you as one can possibly hope for. Like others have posted, I too believe that your wife would be proud to see you picking up and pursuing the life you've dreamed about for all these years. I know the many members of this board will give you the hope and encouragement to push yourself back into the game, even as tough as it will undoubtedly be at times. You've suffered a huge loss, and taking the time to properly grieve is part of the healing process...so do take the time for this important step.

All the best to you, and hope you keep in touch with us here.

Patrick in Oregon

 

[Luisafernandes]

Hi Cotie!
My condolences : (
People here will give you great advice on building a van into a homemobile.
Welcome!

 

[Queen]

So very sorry for your loss.

In similar circumstances I would follow the same path, grief for me, requires forward motion.

I wish you peace.

 

[flailer]

Thank you so much for sharing this personal information.

My loss was unlike yours, but was difficult beyond description.

It is VERY important that you interact with others, ideally with persons you can share your grief with!!!!

You are NOT ALONE, there are millions of us out here. Just reach out, often, and share of yourself.

May Peace & Joy be yours forever,
f

 

[Cotie]

I want to thank everyone for their replies. This is my best morning yet, so far. With the little bit of time now, from the first day, on hindsight I am a little surprised at myself for reaching out to strangers.

So, I thought about it and I think I know why now.

For my marriage I went to school at night and became a computer programmer for over 20 years. I had to get up in the morning and head into the city, When I got off the subway I felt like part of a cattle herd as I was headed to my office. Then I had to spend all day setting in a cubicle. You could sometimes see that it was beautiful day outside, but there I would be setting inside all day.
Then at the end of the day I followed the herd back to the subway. Got home, ate supper, maybe
did a couple of things, watched tv then to bed. I had always wanted to get more out of life and living the anchored life was not of my nature. I loved my wife, so I did it.

After my wife's passing I told a few people about my plans. Most of them acted like it was a bizarre thing to think of doing.

So, I reached out to kindred spirits, in advance to joining them someday. I'm looking forward to the day that I can meet and be with people that are more like me, and want to live outside of the box and be more out in nature and have new experiences.

Thank you all for your replies.

 

[karl]

Cotie,

It has been nine years since my dear Marie lost her second battle with cancer. I doubt that I will ever forget some of the struggle and pain, but I will never forget those who offered an ear, a shoulder, coffee or an outing to show they cared.

The pain gets more bearable, and life becomes something new. I am quite amazed at the experiences and lessons since becoming a widower, it is indeed a new lease on life.....I think of Marie ever day, with gratitude and a Love that has not faded.....even though there are other women in my life today.

Van dwelling, even on a part time basis for now, has helped with my finding my new life. Many still think it is a strange way to live my life, many envy my freedom.

I encourage you to keep reaching out, there is a lot of world and life out there.
The pace at which you release the tangible things that remind you of your Loved one is up to you...this is an area that "one size does not fit all".
One, however, is your friend- One step, one item, one decision, one minute, one change.

Wishing the best for you.

 

[WildTrappist]

Cotie,
I won't even pretend to know how you feel. Peace be with you. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
I am brand new to the lifestyle and I feel very supported by this website and all of the advice/ ideas that can be found on the forums. I hope you can feel supported too.
~Alla


Karl,
Thank you for this:
One, however, is your friend- One step, one item, one decision, one minute, one change.

That is some good wisdom!

 

[PYSCHOWard]

Cotie,
I'm sorry for your Loss, and Grateful for your service. May the Forward motion help you have great Travels & Camps, Thanks Again.

 

[flailer]

Thanks for the update. YES, YES, YES: Seek the positive!!!!

So many Men are loners, or at least are poor at expressing themselves, or WORSE expect themselves to "Man-Up" ... and SADLY much of society re-enforces that. BUT not all of society treats Men as machines.

You have done the right thing!! You are a strong Man; able to reach out; and soon your reaching out will be of direct help to others!!!!! Very soon.

I know these things as FACTS. I know these things first hand.

Love yourself. Love others that respond well to you.

As I understand it: many (most?) people are too weak (of heart, or mind, or soul) to extend themselves. Most often it is a mental thing, a mental barrier with humans.... How they have been conditioned by our culture. The narrow-minded can not help themselves see, must less help anyone else.

At some point you may want to start searching the works of great philosophers.

I now say, after my pain & suffering: Morals are based upon Principles; & Principles are based upon Philosophy.... How can one know they have adopted TRUE & proper morals if they don't understand Philosophy?

I like Pets!!! I like training Dogs! (they are often better than humans)
Maybe volunteer at the human society?

May you walk in the light of Truth & Enlightenment, forever more,
f

 

[offroad]

Also a widower here. Wife passed from cancer five years ago. No pinches pulled. It will be hard going. Some friends will help, by keeping in touch, but the distance while traveling will start to reduce their influence. Use tools like SKYPE and FACEBOOK and BLOGS to keep up on them as it helps create some closeness (real or not).

Also. People are weird about being new friends with older guys, so you will need to find a hobby to socialize with, and build friends. Plus you can find new skills to create for jobs or hobbies. Always seek ways to connect with folks and you will be rewarded. It's what female significant others gift is in legacy. Honor that skill of friend finding that your spouse taught you.

Never forget. Just adapt and find newness that is rewarding every day.

 

[Dragonfly]

Codie:

Hi, Welcome to the forum. I can only echo; I'm sorry for your loss. Writing to Bob seems to me a very smart thing to do. I don't know Bob personally but after poring over this website daily, I have a lot of respect for his wisdom and understanding and his ability to say things the way they are.
I feel your strength in seeing that you have to make some big decisions. Make them thoughtfully and listen to all advice before moving forward.
My husband and I lived 30 years off the grid & on the road, in lots of different rigs; we loved that life, and the people we met along the way.
Think carefully as to what kind of rig you would be most comfortable in for the long run..and take your time choosing.

Glad you came here and I don't think you found this site accidentally. I learned of it from a friend who forwarded to me the article in Harper's magazine. The world of Vandwelling made sense to me that day. We have settled down, but this blog made us realize..we have the van already..why not get back out there, even if on a 'when we can, for as long as we can' basis.

Oz in N. California mountains