Scared to try...

[Obsidia]

Hello everyone!

I'll try to make this short, but still explain my situation clearly.

So I'm in a bit of a difficult home situation.  My brother passed away around a year and a half ago, leaving behind an (at the time) 4 month old.  I won't talk about the mother at this time.  My parents got custody, I stayed home to live-in nanny.  I gave up regular work basically to do this.  I am paid for my time, it works well for everyone involved.

I am in a 6+ year relationship. He lives with us as well.  The house is plenty big, and he does yard work and such and has a good relationship with my stepfather.

However psychologically speaking this current place is very unhealthy for me.  I was preened from a very young age that success looks a certain way, and anything outside of that is wrong.

For instance, I didn't know what I wanted to do yet after high school.  My mother forced me into college, "if you don't go the next semester, I'm never helping you with college." Of course with pressure so high my grades slipped and I dropped out.  In the future when I wanted to go back, "I've wasted enough money on your education." It's just a mess, and I don't personally think she's evil or anything; she's just another chain in the link of learned ideals.  "Brainwashed" as I feel you would all understand my saying.

Now because of this upbringing, I've been terrified of everything out of the ordinary my entire life.  And yet I've always fantasized of running away and going on an adventure, trying something new.

I feel like I've even been too afraid to really break out of my relationship, and I'm really concerned that maybe I'm just staying in it because I'm afraid of the change.  He's a nice guy, an accountant, gradually working his way towards a better paying job.  He's actually finishing up his second year where he is, it'll look good on the resume of course.

But I'm just not happy.  He fits into my family but I don't think we fit together.  I don't think I fit with my parents either.  I just feel so ready for change.

I dropped the bomb on him last week that I wanted to try vanlife.  I said even if we did it for a year to try something new, we could save our down payment for a house while we did it.  I have a list of ideas for things for me to do to bring in money, as well as being okay with working odd jobs along the way.

He wasn't very receptive.

I talked to my stepdad about helping me fix up a van.  He said he would but I can tell he fears for me.  I'm afraid to ever talk to my mom about it, she would hate it.

I'm afraid of breaking up with the bf and doing it alone.  I'm afraid of staying in a relationship with and traveling with someone who may very well hate the entire thing.  I'm afraid of disappointing everyone.  I'm just generally afraid.

I just wanted to talk to you about it.  Maybe my story would resonate with one of you.

Thank you.

P.S. - The Nanny situation with my nephew would be fine without me so long as I gave a month notice before I left.  So that isn't a factor holding me back.

 

[GypsySpirit]

Life is too short to be unhappy. I've wanted to do this for years, but was afraid of what people would think, blah, blah, blah. I was amazed at how many of my family and friends were supportive, and the ones that aren't have faded away. If I don't do this now, when will I? I'm not getting any younger or any healthier, so it's now or never and I'm not willing to let this opportunity pass me by. Don't let anyone hold you back from your dreams. YOUR dreams, not their dreams for you. Good luck!

 

[jimindenver]

Such drastic change from a stable situation has got to be scary. I went through a similar change last year so
I can feel for you. Luckily you are not being forced into the situation and have time to read, study, plan, build and save money. That is one way to relieve fear, the other is simply by doing it and getting use to the lifestyle.

 

[Scott7022]

Again, we see fear. Change and adventures are scary, so it is normal. YOU ARE NORMAL. Your nature and nurture has combined to present you with a greater challenge than some of us face. But, great advice already! Read, learn, save. I have been lonely in relationships, and lonely outside of relationships and the worst kind of lonely is inside? Would you agree? It isn't that there is anything wrong with the other person or anything wrong with you. It is a light bulb, it once worked and now it doesn't. The why, of it doesn't matter. Time to change the light bulb. Moving forward to the new allows us to acclimate to the new and take another step. A mile later down the road and we can't imagine why we were once fearful.

You are not alone, in ideas or desires. You may be a unique person but you have a shared yearning of discovery. Cast fear to the wind and embrace joy, live with love and curiosity. The world is waiting for you and you have only so much time here. A lesson, perhaps driven home recently by your tragic loss. Don't waste it having tea with fear. Learn from it and make it teach you how to be a better, happier, YOU!

 

[rvwandering]

Welcome to the CRVL forums Obsida! You have some hard decisions. Take your time and don't burn any bridges. We're here to help with all of the practical stuff and to lend emotional support when you need it.

To help you learn the ins and outs of these forums, this "Tips & Tricks" post lists some helpful information to get you started. We look forward to hearing more from you.

 

[rvpopeye]

Welcome aboard !

Once you begin down this path it will no longer be unknown.

Lots of people are already living what your dreams are.

The roads everywhere are very similar to the roads you travel on every day.

Post your questions and the tribe will respond from our collective experience.

You will not be alone out there >>>

 

[OutdoorFT]

Welcome!
Im lucky even to have a supportive wife on the matter.

Hope the best for you and your decision. Ask any questions if you need help or just an ear to listen

 

[badjingle]

Hi Honey - it sure sounds like you are trying to run away right now and we have probably all felt that in our lives during overwhelming times. If you want to PM me we can chat - you have already spilled so much of yourself.
My heart might break if you leave your nephew. Why not get the van started? Your step father will help and that is awesome! Get a fabulous van and start taking weekend trips? Baby steps maybe good?

 

[mayble]

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
Why not get a van and take a few trips?  With and without the boyfriend.  Get a feel for it, get some adventure in your life and see how it goes.

 

[Thirsty Boots Nomad]

It's not exactly "vandwelling" as they're more focused on travel trailers (though fairly certain motorhomes/tents/etc. are fine with them); but you may want to consider looking into the "Sisters on the Fly" group --- they're very supportive from what I've heard, know where you're at and how to help you navigate to where you want to go, AND they're a big enough group/organization that your family would have to recognize (???) that your thoughts/desires are not completely unheard of ...

 

[Every Road Leads Home]

It's funny how society gets to dictate what success is and if anyone strays from that very fine line they're a failure. I don't think this mode of thinking is anything new, success has always had a definition in different cultures through out time.

I suppose, fortunately for me, my Dad was raised with the definition of success already being defined for him and he revolted against it. Thus he never tried to define success for his kids, only support them in whatever direction they decided to go.

I'd suggest taking it one step at a time. Maybe get a van and start building it out for smaller weekend trips and what not. If it's not an all or nothing decision for your boyfriend, maybe he'll even warm up to the idea. After all, your Mom gave you an all or nothing path to success and it didn't win your heart over.

 

[slynne]

Yeah, what is success? I am somewhat of a utilitarian so I define it as what makes me the most happy. For a time it was my house. I loved my house. Lately, not so much hence the decision to move into a van. The thing is you can always change your mind if you find what you are doing isn't making you happy. You can always change your direction. I figure that if I get out there full timing and find I hate it, then I will do something else. simple as that.

It sounds like you aren't feeling entirely happy. So yeah, try something new. If it is too scary to do all at once, do it in little increments. I am going to buy the van first for instance and then figure out what I am going to do with the house. I guess I still have an attachment to it so I am thinking that I will rent it. That way, I have something to go back to if I don't like van life. Can you do this in a way where you can go back to your parents house if you get out there and change your mind about it? That might make it feel less risky.

 

[akrvbob]

The one thing society always leaves out of "success" is happiness. After you enter school, there is NEVER another discussion that maybe you should be happy.

**** em all--they are just using you for their selfish ends!!!

Don't let them get away with it! Insist on being happy!

 

[closeanuf]

On Nov 14, 2005 at 5:30 PM (but who's keeping track of time) I literally walked away from a 19 year marriage.  I wasn't angry and I don't think she was either, up until then.  But I just could not waste another minute of my time just treading water and acting like things were just wonderful.  I had spent 57 years trying to please everyone else and I just couldn't take it anymore.  I have never spoken to her in all that time and wish her well in everything she does.  It was a second marriage for both of us and we got married on a rebound.  I have never regretted my decision and have never cared whether anyone else approved or not.

Whether you stay or go the world will keep spinning.  Take care of you; no one else really cares.

The amazing thing about my situation was most people I knew couldn't believe I had stayed as long as I did.

 

[Every Road Leads Home]

The one thing society always leaves out of "success" is happiness. 

This reminds me of my favorite quote,  and for the most part, it's served me well thus far.

 

[RV-Hopeful]

**** em all--they are just using you for their selfish ends!!!

That's one way to put it and I wholeheartedly agree!

Ultimately you have to do what makes you happy because in the end, if you stay where you are not happy, you will create (subconsciously or consciously) an end to it (whatever situation) anyway.  

As someone else said, take baby steps.  You know, years ago (mid 1980's) I decided I would do 1 tiny fearful thing.  A relationship had ended and one fear I had was doing things alone so I figured my tiny fearful thing then to conquer would be eating out by myself.  Doesn't sound big, but back then I cared what others thought.  I forced myself to go to a place for lunch (like a Denny's or IHOP) by myself, I took a book forced myself to do it.  Then later down the road I made hotel reservations on the other side of the State, checked in, made dinner reservations at prime time and forced myself to go.  The next morning I forced myself to sit by the pool by myself.  I felt a sense of accomplishment.

Some may say - what's the big deal?  We all have different fears and if we can conquer 1 tiny fearful thing then we can move on to a bigger one.   Don't let fear stop you from exploring your desires!

 

[waverider1987]

Hello everyone!

I'll try to make this short, but still explain my situation clearly.

So I'm in a bit of a difficult home situation......

I'm in the same situation, and if you read my thread titled "many conflicting thoughts" you may find some answers that'll help you.

I too struggle with the whole being in a relationship with someone who doesn't share the same dream.  It's hard.  I feel like if I were with someone who was ready to go live the van life it would just put that added spark under my ass that I need to just go do it.  But that is not the case.  In fact, it just makes the person I'm with sad and depressed...the thought of my leaving.  And then of course there's letting down family members.  I come from a family with a good background.  I already let them down not going the normal route in life.  But to completely sign off and become a nomad I think they might go off the deep end.  So I get the whole guilt thing and disappointing everyone.  You just wish the people you loved were more supportive, and they aren't.  It's not the norm.  People just think you're running away from something when really you're just trying to follow a dream.  It may be different from other people's dreams....buying a house, having a kid, getting a good job......none of that really matters to people like us.  So, they don't understand, same way we can't understand those other types of dreams that seem more like prison sentences.  

So yeah..I get it.

 

[Thirsty Boots Nomad]

  It may be different from other people's dreams....buying a house, having a kid, getting a good job......none of that really matters to people like us. 

Just wanted to point out that, while they are definitely in the minority, there are still many, many nomads that 1) have kid(s) they travel with and/or 2) have "traditional" good jobs that the companies allow employees to tele-commute (have even heard it's becoming increasingly popular as the companies don't have to pay for as much office space).  As with most things there is a tradeoff between when/where you're able to travel/stay and maintaining availability but it CAN and DOES get done and is an (admittedly harder to find) option ...

 

[Thirsty Boots Nomad]

... and a video to reinforce the advise of so many here:

 

[tx2sturgis]

The boyfriend hasn't got a clue...