Panick setting in

[Cheli]

Let me start by saying this may be long and all over the place, but please bare with me here.  hahaha

Yesterday morning started with my boyfriend and I having an ugly argument about me doing this lifestyle change.  He was legit heartbroken, hurt and mad.  Even though I've been talking about it for a while now, I don't think he thought I was serious.  I've been talking about it for a while so I haven't kept it from him or been dishonest about it.  But yesterday I pointed out that this is really happening, it's something I need to do.  And that's when the ugliness ensued.  It was horrible.


Then, as planned, my sister and niece spent all afternoon with me going through everything in my living room and dining room to take pictures and setting prices to sell.  I created a web page for all my sale items.  I decided it's easier to create a page with different pages for the different categories and then I can post just the one link on Facebook yard sale sites and Craigslist rather then having to duplicate my sales post everywhere.  During the week I'll start going through all the smaller things in each room and she will help me again over the weekend with other rooms.

So anyway, toward the end of us going through everything for the day I told her I was terrified.  What if I sell everything and still don't have the ability to get a van and hit the road?  I started to tear up with emotion and my niece, who I thought was on the other side of the room not paying attention, came over, put her arm around me and said "don't worry auntie, we'll get you on the road".  I lost it, she's only nine.  My sister also said don't worry about it, I could stay with them as long as I needed until I make it happen.  See, my plan is to sell everything, leave my apartment so I can save on rent, and then stay with whoever I can for the next several months to stash up some cash.  The problem is my sister lives with her boyfriend and has two kids.  They don't have a spare room but said I can crash on the couch.  I'm guessing this will get old for both of us real quick.  But I'm hoping to get a van in a month or so and I can sleep in the van but use her house to shower in the morning for work.  I'm keeping my corporate job until the end of the years to really save money so I need a place to shower every morning.

Anyway, I went to bed exhausted from a roller coaster day of emotions.  I woke up this morning in panic mode again.  I have a constant feeling in my stomach that is a mix of nausea and butterflies and a lump in my throat and the feeling of wanting to cry.

Why am I feeling this way?  I want to do this, I'm not being forced to.....it's totally by choice.  I want more out of life.  Why am I so hung up on fear?!?!?!  The fear is almost paralyzing me.  Will it get better as I actually start seeing my things go and start to feel more free?  I guess I have the normal fear of being homeless.  I'm afraid of selling everything, having nothing, and not being able to follow through.

I know that nobody can guarantee to me that it will all work out but has anyone else felt this way and then it all worked out?

 

[steamjam1]

I didn't plan a thing. I just did it. The gravity of what I was doing didn't really hit me until I was living in the van and I guess I was having some panicky like attacks at first... Atleast your planning things out and really thinking about what your doing. I guess its the difference between looking at a wall and deciding how your going to climb over it VS. saying "To heck with it" and ramming through it. (Me) Anyways still, It worked out.

 

[Cheli]

The problem is EVERYTHING in my life has always been structured and planned out and overthought. It's a curse. I have always been in control and have always done whatever needed to be done to accomplish whatever goal was at hand.

I know this is the same thing as far as planning it out and being in control but I feel like I have no control once I hit the road. I have no idea how I'm going to make money even though I know I am able to do a lot and pick up jobs here and there.

I am overthinking it and going completely against my nature of controlling everything here. So that is why I'm panicking.

 

[Stephen]

Please lay on my couch while I analyze you!   :dodgy:

I think you might be suffering from a separation from the "normal" way of thinking. We are taught from an early age to climb the corporate ladder, buy a house, get married, have 2.3 children, (I always feel sorry for that .3 child!) and all the rest of that stuff. You are thinking of breaking that mold. You are bound to go through times when the old conditioning comes in and tells you you are making a huge mistake. Then there is just the enormity of the whole thing. We are going through some of the same stuff downsizing and selling our home. You keep thinking, "What am I getting myself into?" You have to feel confident that you are doing what you want to do and nothing is going to stop you. It may be tough for a while, but the result is that you have an incredible adventure. Just keep on plugging away!

 

[rvpopeye]

It's just the "unknown" that scares you .
As you see what everything actually is you'll be more comfortable.
(this used to happen to me when I would go out with a new band and/or sound rig)
Your inner awesomeness will conquer all that and more !

Stuff is just stuff , less is really more and sounds like your niece has your back !

Oh yeah , there are a few folks over at CRVL that are lookin' out for ya too !

 

[Almost There]

Let me start by saying this may be long and all over the place, but please bare with me here.  hahaha

I'm keeping my corporate job until the end of the years to really save money so I need a place to shower every morning.

Why am I feeling this way?  I want to do this, I'm not being forced to.....it's totally by choice.  I want more out of life.  Why am I so hung up on fear?!?!?!  The fear is almost paralyzing me.  Will it get better as I actually start seeing my things go and start to feel more free?  I guess I have the normal fear of being homeless.  I'm afraid of selling everything, having nothing, and not being able to follow through.

I know that nobody can guarantee to me that it will all work out but has anyone else felt this way and then it all worked out?

First, there are NO guarantees in life...NONE!!

A couple of things popped out at me so let's try to address them individually!

"I guess I have the normal fear of being homeless" - You are not going to be homeless - a home is where you sleep, eat and dare I add pee....   As long as you have that, you are not homeless! It's all a state of mind. Give yourself the freedom to think outside the box. Homeless is not having a place to lay your head at night, nor the means to provide yourself with same. That is NOT you!

"I'm afraid of selling everything, having nothing, and not being able to follow through." - Let's look at the absolute worst that can happen. If you sell everything you own but the clothes that you need, what is the worst that can possibly happen. Well, you won't have anything but your clothes! You are keeping at least some of them aren't you (that's a rhetorical question btw)... Is that going to be fatal...ummm NOT! If you absolutely needed to replace those all that stuff, how would you do it - you'd earn money. Can you earn money - umm yes, you're doing it now. Can you earn money in the future based on your track record to date? I expect the answer is a resounding HELL YES!!

Now, the 'not following through' part - that's a little harder. I don't know you enough to know whether you would follow through or not. That's the part you would need to answer for yourself. But I can tell you that from your posts on here, you seem to me to be the type that can figure out life's little (and big) problems by yourself. You get back up after a fall!

I suspect that the ugly, nasty argument with the b/f has more to do with the whole current negative thought process than anything else. Someone you obviously still care about to some extent, being horribly negative about what you're planning can throw a lot of dirt up in your face and is making you doubt yourself and your plans.

Sit down, make a plan for worst case scenario - you sell everything at way below replacement cost, move in with your sister, find that that doesn't work, have to find someplace else to stay that costs more than you anticipated. What would you do? Once you have a back up plan in your head, you'll feel a whole lot better about things. What is the worst that can happen?

Oh, and I would strongly recommend that for your own mental well-being that you plan on and work towards having a fair sized emergency fund saved up. Having money in the bank sufficient to get yourself out of any tight spot that occurs provides a huge amount of comfort. Having just enough to get through to the next paycheck/whatever is no way to live - I know all about that, I lived it for years as a single parent.

 

[Cheli]

Please lay on my couch while I analyze you!   :dodgy:

I think you might be suffering from a separation from the "normal" way of thinking. We are taught from an early age to climb the corporate ladder, buy a house, get married, have 2.3 children, (I always feel sorry for that .3 child!) and all the rest of that stuff. You are thinking of breaking that mold. You are bound to go through times when the old conditioning comes in and tells you you are making a huge mistake. Then there is just the enormity of the whole thing. We are going through some of the same stuff downsizing and selling our home. You keep thinking, "What am I getting myself into?" You have to feel confident that you are doing what you want to do and nothing is going to stop you. It may be tough for a while, but the result is that you have an incredible adventure. Just keep on plugging away!

Thanks, I needed to be analyzed.  hahaha

I think you are a 1,000% correct.  The rational side of me knows that it's just fear crammed down our throats as to what's 'normal' and what isn't.  I totally get that.  And yes, I have always done everything 'right' and even that didn't all work out.  I went through a nasty divorce four years ago and walked away from my house and most of my possessions.  So in four years I have worked hard to refurnish a new home and have everything just the way I want it.  Every room is beautifully furnished with furniture and home decor and blah blah blah.  So that emotional attachment to wow, look what I've done in four years, needs to really be tossed in the garbage.  It's just stuff!

My other fear is that I'm 46 so if I hit the road for a year or so and it doesn't work out, then I will be too old to come back and continue my career.  Nobody will want to hire a 50 year old.  hahaha

 

[Cheli]

It's just the "unknown" that scares you .
As you see what everything actually is you'll be more comfortable.
(this used to happen to me when I would go out with a new band and/or sound rig)
Your inner awesomeness will conquer all that and more !

Stuff is just stuff , less is really more  and sounds like your niece has your back !

Oh yeah , there are a few folks over at CRVL that are lookin' out for ya too !

That's the funny part, I have such amazing friends and family and EVERYONE supports my dream completely (other than my bf) so I have no reason to have so much fear.  And yes, all the folks here are amazing and I know would be there for any questions I have.  And the thought of going to RTR gets me soooooooooooo excited......I'm ready to meet my tribe. 

 

[Cheli]

Stuff is just stuff , less is really more  and sounds like your niece has your back !

The funny thing is that just a month ago my niece had a break down and balled her eyes out telling me that she didn't want me to leave, we are VERY close.  Then my sister had a chat with her and said "you know how you have dreams for when you grow up?  Well Auntie Cheli has dreams and we have to support them too".  And since that conversation she has been on board.  Although she isn't afraid to say "I'm not happy about it at all but I understand".  lol  That kids is one smart little cookie.  She said she is better with it because now she knows that we can talk on the phone or facetime anytime she want's, as long as I'm somewhere with cell service.  lol

 

[dragonflyinthesky]

First off, its good that we have a support system here, we can express feelings outsiders just don't get. You want this badly, I suspect there has been a calling in your soul for adventure and change for sometime, maybe since you were a child.
An ideal situation would be to already have your van but you don't so as you are already doing, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Some people have no support system and loved ones actively doing what they can so success is difficult and guilt ridden. You are fortunate you have some people that believe in you.
If we did a poll asking about panic attacks and depression leading up to the last stages of, this is it, my life is going on the road, I'm afraid a majority of us will raise our hands and say, hell yeah, I rolled into a ball and stayed in bed before taking off. Those feelings may last for months off and on after your life change, they did with me.
Now, consider you may try this dream out for a few months or a few years and it just doesn't suit you and you want to settle down again in an apt. Or house. Will you have failed at your dream? Absolutely not, you accomplished so much more than all your friends and loved ones who look at you and envy your travels and independence. You will be surprised at who comes out of the woodwork and admires what you have done and wish they had the courage to try. If it comes to not loving, and I do mean loving this life, not just accepting it then go home. You will be stronger for stepping out and having adventures and peace.
For me this took a lot of sacrifice. I made a pretty clean break and didn't even keep a storage locker. I miss my adult children and grand baby. I miss old friends. As I don't mind sharing, because I hope it will encourage others I was truly a step away from a nervous breakdown. If it hadn't been for my man friend literally pulling me out of bed and taking me outside in freezing weather to work on my camper and pushing me out of the nest, I may have been hospitalized with a true breakdown. We have missed each other but he knew what needed done for my survival. I will add, we are in our 60s and have a few more years of experience, I'm not saying your bf isn't looking out for your needs, he may not be able at this point in his life have a comprehensible of why you have to do this and why he's being left behind.

Diane, Ivy and Cricket. Happy and at peace, over a year and a half of full timing

 

[Cheli]

First off, its good that we have a support system here, we can express feelings outsiders just don't get. You want this badly, I suspect there has been a calling in your soul for adventure and change for sometime, maybe since you were a child.  Yes, I have always been envious of others I see traveling and living a free life, always.  I just never had the opportunity to do it myself because I was too being being "normal".

An ideal situation would be to already have your van but you don't so as you are already doing, keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I think this is a big part of the fear too.  Not to get too personal with finances but I currently already have a small emergency fund of a couple grand and if I can get rid of my rent very soon, I can save anywhere between $10-15k by the end of the year.  That would be more than enough to travel on for a year or so even if I didn't work on the road, which I will.  But buying and customizing a van will take a good chunk of that.

Some people have no support system and loved ones actively doing what they can so success is difficult and guilt ridden. You are fortunate you have some people that believe in you.  I am extremely fortunate and I feel blessed every day.

For me this took a lot of sacrifice. I made a pretty clean break and didn't even keep a storage locker.  I don't plan on keeping a storage container either but that depends on how much stuff I have left at the end that can't get rid of for whatever reason.  But the plan is to sell everything I can then donate or trash the rest.

I'm not saying your bf isn't looking out for your needs, he may not be able at this point in his life have a comprehensible of why you have to do this and why he's being left behind.  I'll share too.  My bf has severe ADHD and he very much needs structure in his life.  He has never had a long term relationship because most girls won't tolerate the crap that comes along with his ADHD.  I have had my moments of being fed up but I am far more patient and understanding than most girls.  That being said, I feel like his mother more than his partner most of the time.  I don't mean that in a rude way, I love him very much but it's not a situation that I see as my forever.  He feels hurt because we've been together for almost three years and said that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he won't ever find anyone like me or love anyone like me again.  He even said if I needed to get a way for a month then he would be here waiting for me when I got back.  That broke my heart.  I told him it isn't that I need to get away for a month.

 

[mayble]

  I'm afraid of selling everything, having nothing, and not being able to follow through.

You have a job, and you have a supportive family - you are miles and miles ahead of many people in that respect.  Everything else is just stuff. 
Don't forget that every single thing you do every day was once brand new, and you learned it all.  From your first steps to your first driver's license, you've already become accomplished at everything you now take for granted.
You've got this.

 

[jester]

My other fear is that I'm 46 so if I hit the road for a year or so and it doesn't work out, then I will be too old to come back and continue my career.  Nobody will want to hire a 50 year old.  hahaha

For ~26 years you've managed to keep yourself alive without adult supervision. Chances are good that you'll continue to be able to do that even though the environment is different. It will all be fine.

 

[Cheli]

Good points Mayble and Jester, it's just scary to for once finally do something for ME and to also let go of my control issues regarding finances.

You have all made me feel so much better, thank you so much!!!!!'

Now I can't guarantee I won't be back with another meltdown in the next couple of months do be forewarned. Lol

You are all the best!!!!

 

[Every Road Leads Home]

Hi Cheli,

I think it's perfectly natural to feel exactly as you do, after all society has groomed you to feel this way for 46 years, trying to unlearn it in a year is quite the feat.
Just keep reminding yourself life is all about experiences and experiences are what defines us. Think about all of your most important and precious memories and I'd be willing to bet not a single one of them includes a physical item, outside of maybe a family heirloom or keepsake. When people look to their past, their happiest times were all events, places, and people not physical matter they owned. No matter how the van life shakes out for you, just trying it will make you far and away happier than an apartment full of furniture ever could. In 20 years you can either be telling awesome stories about this adventure you took all over the country, the breath taking scenery you woke up to every morning, the amazing people you met on the way or you can tell them about a great little apartment you once had in the suburbs with a bunch of nice furniture............the question is which story do you want to tell?

 

[Cheli]

In 20 years you can either be telling awesome stories about this adventure you took all over the country, the breath taking scenery you woke up to every morning, the amazing people you met on the way or you can tell them about a great little apartment you once had in the suburbs with a bunch of nice furniture............the question is which story do you want to tell?

All great points but wow, this part really slapped me in the face.  You are so right!

And that's what I keep telling people, I want to have amazing experiences in little hidden away towns and meet amazing people on the road........THOSE are the stories I want to tell.

 

[steamjam1]

I don't know if this will help or not, but whenever I am not-all-to-certain about whatever I am doing, I play a trick on my over-thinking head by re-framing the entire event/issue. So rather then saying something I want to do is scary because I've never done it before, I say to myself: "I'm transitioning between not knowing, and knowing whats out there.", then I usually try and make myself giggle at the situation by asking what Capt. Kirk would do..... "I am merely going where NO >insert your name< HAS GONE BEFORE"

 

[Howiet]

Shoot young'n the two best jobs I ever got were in my 50's.  Don't sweat it

Howiet

 

[SternWake]

April 14, 1998, 11:30 PM.

I was laying on my thermarest camping mattress, in my newly bare, stripped apartment.

Next to me were my loaded backpack and my surfboards, and a series of plane tickets taking me around the world, solo.

In the previous 4 months I had sold everything or put it in storage, tied up all loose ends, said goodbye to everybody. I had a flight out of LAX in the morning. I was to be gone a year or so.

And I was having the mother of all panic attacks, .......totally freaking out.

Long story short, I didn't let it stop me. It was by far the best thing I ever did with my life.

I Did not return to US soil for 32 months. My third stop was South Africa where I bought a 73 westfalia Kombi. 2 weeks living from this vehicle and I was hooked., Completely hooked. In love.

Rarely have I slept in a stick and brick since.

If I allowed my panic attack in 1998 to prevent me from going through with this journey, I'd likely be dead of a self inflicted gunshot wound.

I cannot imagine not having these wonderful memories.

Do not let fear or panic stop you from an adventure.

You will not be remembering your quaint apartment on your deathbed.

See as much of this beautiful planet before mankind's never ending greed and shortsightedness destroys what is still left. The clock is ticking, and it is now ticking faster and faster.

Everything will fall into place.
Sure there will be some stresses here or there, but the rewards far outweigh the occasional stress.

heck the stresses I experienced, directly or indirectly led to some of my best memories.

I should have taken more risks, been more outgoing, met more people, experienced more fear. I'd be a better person for it

That's what I regret. Not taking advantage of the opportunity of adventure to its fullest.

 

[IanC]

I have a theory that this lifelong suicidal depression I have carried comes from living a life that is not my own - always blending into situations where you know you don't belong. Always being a cameleon, changing it's color to blend with the surroundings. Always following rules that for you have no purpose.
Perhaps this is the way for many of us.
Having always been more comfortable in the company of animals I tend to relate the human experience to theirs. We are, after all them.
Thinking of horses, one of the greatest instincts they have is to bond with others of their own kind. In the world of show horses, many stand day after day after day - exquisitely fed and groomed, in 12x12 stalls, never having the close company of others - coming out only to be under the total control of a human being. There is a huge amount of depression in show barns. But see how the personality changes after just a few weeks of being released into a pasture with others.
There is a lot of trendy terminology and has been since the 60's when young people struck out to 'find themselves '. Today it's called 'living your authentic life'. And those phrases are not wrong. Like the solo horse that may not be able to comprehend what is missing in it's life but always has a yearning to fulfill that instinct , I believe that we too can find serenity once we discover that 'thing '.
I always marvel at the fact that I am not homeless. The way I have lived my life - I should be . In was only that I stumbled on a job, working for a very wealthy man who paid me well , that I was able to get a house etc. I know that once the house is gone, there will be no more once in a lifetime chances coming my way. I fear breaking down and having all I own swallowed up in repair bills. I fear having to be dependent - since I left home the week after my 17th birthday, I have earned every bit of food that has gone in my mouth . Independence is so deeply ingrained that losing it and asking for help is terrifying.
But, my greatest wish out of this move is to finally be able to exhale.
I saw a volunteer job on Workcamper, taking care of a fish hatchery in Oregon, and something inside told me that that is where I should be - so that is my present goal.