Other People's problems

[SternWake]

I know this guy.  He lived near to where I park, on private property, legally.  I would never consider him a friend. I kept him at a Distance, as he is scatterbrained enough that the Meth rumors surrounding him are likely true.  His Behavior definitely falls inline with 'tweeker'. He is obviously an Alcoholic. Also, a liar, Every body owes him this or that and screwed him out of this and that and owes him exorbitant sums.  On and on along these lines.  Getting roped into conversation with him is and always was high on my avoidance list.  Everybody nearby feels the same way.  Last year I lent him 40$ on the condition that he walks away and leaves me alone without another word.  I knew I'd never see it payed back, but I wanted him gone, and that cost 40$.  Worth it, and I did not see him for months.

He was sharing a mortgage with a female friend of his, and quit paying his portion many moons ago.  Things came to a head, words were said, lawyers were brought in, threats made, restraining orders filed. None of my business.  Just Gossip I could not help hearing.

He was Evicted.  After removing the things he wanted, the whole street rejoiced at his departure.  Junk trucks, large box trucks and many laborers  were hired to remove all his pack rat possessions he did not remove.  They were there 8 hours a day for 3 days.  That was about 10 days ago

Yesterday, he knocks on My Van, frazzled, smelly, wild eyed, apologetic, ashamed, hungry.  No money, No current vehicle registration or insurance, Ear infection, Nail in his tire, friends stealing his possessions, no gas, no friends left willing to help, no hope.  He asks me to send a text message so that he can get some of his possessions and sell them.  I Do not want my phone number associated with any of the people who are holding his possessions, but pass the messages anyway, and relate the replies.

I filled up his leaking Nailed tire to 65 PSI, I fed him a Clif bar, some vitamins, some Aleve, and offered some hot water and a towel to wash his face and shave, and eventually he left, thankfully.  His mere presence is exhausting, but I feel bad for the guy.  However I also don't want the guy coming back around by being too friendly or generous. 

This morning I awake early to have a productive day.

  Knock knock, again. The absolute last person in the world I want to see when i awake. He has been sleeping in his truck with a shell.  Another sob story, parked in spot X, harrassed by homeowners, relocate to spot Y, harrassed again.  Said he moved 4 times overnight,  got no sleep.  Who knows if this is true.  The no sleep part looked true.  I'd recommended some places where I hear that people can do so without harrassment by the law, but they are all 'too far away' and 'he does not have enough gas'.


  Needs to send text messages again.  I sigh, but send them.

I share my breakfast, and he is ashamed to accept it.  Very apologetic, but very thankful and polite.  Says he is at the end of his rope, and walks off, sits down and starts Sobbing.  Guy in his 50's just losing it.

Other residents in the area( affluent) see him and raise an Eyebrow, lock their doors,  and drive off.

I get a reply text , relate it, and off he goes to meet whomever for whatever purpose.  

My plans on earning some money today were foiled by his presence, as he freaks people out, and I don't want his stank sticking to me.

I hope he was able to sell some stuff.  
I Hope he does not come back.  The restraining order means he should not even be on this street at all.

I don't want to cause issues for the guy, but other residents on this street are considering causing him issues by calling the Law.  He has a fake registration sticker on his truck.  Perhaps three hots and A cot are what this guy needs.  I certainly won't be calling the cops on him, but longtime residents on this street are planning on doing so if he comes back.

I hope to heck he finds something, elsewhere, but he can't seem to help himself, and apparently does not see any need to actually earn money.

How I hope he does not come back.  He ruined any chance i had at achieving peace of mind  these last 2 days.  I don't think I've seen a person fall lower, but the thing is, it was so predictable.  He never worked that I know of, but up untill last year, seemed to have money. I guess it ran out.  Instead of working, he's move dirt back and forth in his yard on a house he could not pay the mortgage upon

The owner of the land on which I park, told me to tell him to Eff off if he comes back again. 
 If my finances were in good condition, I'd just go on a road trip for a week or two, but a few stay at home moms on the street prefer that I stay, they are that scared of him.

Few people on this street used to lock their doors, Now they all do.

Anybody else run into something like this?

 

[SoulRaven]

Eeps.

He needs to start plugging himself into local services. If he's hungry, find a food bank. Food banks are often the gateway into other homeless services, they're accustomed to passing people along to the resources they need. He doesn't get to keep bothering everyone around him just because his life is a mess. People who do that get no sympathy from me. Just because you're miserable and down on your luck doesn't entitle you to ruin everyone else's day too. Go somewhere that help is being offered instead of soliciting it from people who resent your presence, it's much more pleasant for all parties involved, promise!

Okay, rant over. Sorry you're dealing with that, SternWake. I'm friends with a homeless guy (no vehicle, even) who lives at a local shelter, we met while volunteering at the same community center. He keeps immaculate hygiene, is totally respectful he's always careful to always return before curfew. He doesn't expect - or often accept - handouts. He's the sort who won't be homeless for long because he's doing everything right to rebuild his life. Those are the kind of people I can afford to associate with and gladly offer what help I can. Heck, I lent him the spare key to open the doors of my van the other day because I'd be gone for several hours and I knew he'd be without a place to hang out during that time. It was no skin off my back and he appreciated it - and not a week later I was too ill to do anything for myself and he was right there taking care of me. That is an example of functional, healthy, giving-each-other-a-hand-up scenarios.

What you describe makes me shudder and would have me running the opposite direction. My first responsibility is to myself and my own life/sanity...no matter how much I might wish I could help, you can't save 'em all. :-/

 

[cyndi]

Any body that has lived among a homeless (not houseless) population will, sooner or later, have interactions with a similar person. Because you're a nice guy, this guy has targeted you. He could get even more desperate. You don't want to be around for that.

You may be the one thing between him and his rock bottom. As long as he can go to you and get anything that appears to be a positive response he will continue.

Shut him down with a list of meetings. The people at the meetings will have all the information he needs.

Some meeting speak will send him packing. It's positive but no addict wants to hear it.

Things like:

You need to let go and let god

90 meetings, 90 days. It will change your life.

Find an attitude of gratitude.

if nothing changes, nothing changes.

It's a hard place to be and have to deal with. I hope the guy leaves before your neighborhood is targeted by LEO

 

[GotSmart]

Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to start back up.

Sometimes all it takes is seeing it.

You must want to get better, and getting better means letting go.

I agree with Cindy here. He is unable to do it by himself, and needs the 12 step programs. There are a lot of them out there. AA NA, ~~~. The point is you can not enable him.

The only thing you can do is to hand him a list of where he can get help. Local churches re a great place to start. Most will have a small fund to help someone drive to a place they can get what they need to help themselves.

 

[mconlonx]

Agree with the posts above. He may not have his sh!t together enough or the resources to know where to turn for help, but there is doubtless community assistance, either secular and gov't sponsored or private charities, in the area. Not to mention AA meetings, and possible state-level mental health crisis intervention services. And there's usually a lot of crossover between these kinds of services.

Best thing you could do is put in an hour or two researching this stuff, and next time he shows up for a meal, either give him just the information or even a ride to somewhere he can get some help. The rest will be up to him -- he's got to want to turn his life around to actually make it happen...

 

[sunnyslife]

Long before my children came along (actually, before my late husband came along), I was in this man's shoes - well, I never stank - always managed to find a place to clean up, whether it was a sponge bath or a tub bath. Most of my issues came from PTSD and depression caused by it - most of my family and friends never knew - neither here nor there now but my point is, you just never know.

Okay, I truly am not looking for "pity" - I am in a much better place in life now - kids are grown, have grandbabies who are the world to me, clean/sober for 22 years now........also not making excuses for the gentleman you are talking about.

Anyway, there are three possible steps you could take that wouldn't cost you anything, (okay, maybe some gas if you have to go out of your way to do them): first, you could stop by the local welfare office (called Jobs and Family Services around here) and ask for a community services book - I know all of ours have them right on the front service desk; two, check for a local adult human services agency in your area - explain everything you told us and ask them to go help him - I know not all communities have this type of agency but you could check; and finally, contact the head of a local AA/NA group and see if they have a person that will go out and talk to him - sometimes the person just needs to hear from another person who has been down that road before they will "reach out" for the help - in this man's case, based on what you have told us, I am thinking that someone from a church based group would be best as they may be able to lead this man to the right social organizations to get the other kinds of help he needs.

Beyond that, I think what you have done for this man is great and I applaud you for it but, like others here have said: don't be an enabler - you truly aren't doing him any favors - I know some people in your position do it because they are afraid of what the person could/would do if rejected but, you can't live your life based on "fear" of the possibilities of saying no!

God bless you!
Barbara

 

[HarmonicaBruce]

Believe me, I feel for you.  The best thing for you to do, in my opinion, is to stop helping him.

When he knocks on the door and whines about how hungry he is, tell him "I don't have any food, sorry, I can't help you".
When he asks to use your phone, tell him "My phone isn't working, sorry, I can't help you".
When he asks to look at the newspaper he sees sprawled out on your table, tell him "I haven't read it yet, sorry, I can't help you".
When he asks to borrow money, tell him "I don't have any, sorry, I can't help you".
The key is to end each sentence with "sorry, I can't help you".

If you help him in any way, he'll be back for more.  When you help him, you're not actually helping him.  Feeding him teaches him to knock on your door the next time he's hungry.  If you've moved, he'll knock on your neighbor's door and ask them where you are, do they have any food, yada yada.  When you send a text for him, you're helping him bring grief to some other poor soul.

Helping someone who won't help himself is counter-productive, a huge disappointment, and complete waste of time.  

 

[gramakittycat]

While there are many vaild statements in the prior posts one thing is so obviously missing that no one has mentioned,mental illness.There is often an underlying mental disorder that goes right along with the behaviors mentioned above.Let law enforcement handle him because it seems he is unpredictable and they are best equipt to handle these situations and possibly be a route to services for his situation.

 

[mockturtle]

IMHO, he needs AA first. He isn't an alcoholic because his life is a mess. His life is a mess because he is an alcoholic.

 

[cyndi]

Alcoholism or any addiction is a symptom of something bigger, IME&HO. His life may be a mess because of those things, before drugs and alcohol ever came into the picture.

I wasn't necessarily sending the guy to AA meetings. I'm an AA failure, myself. It just never clicked for me. I'm saying that using the AA language is a good way to send him down the road. If he gets to an AA meeting, great. It's his responsibility, not yours.

And I agree with Bruce's, "I can't help."

 

[SternWake]

Thanks for all the input.


This guy is certainly mentally ill.  He is also an addict.  Definitely alcohol, likely Meth, and even when totally broke, he has cigarettes.  Heck the first morning he asked me if I wanted a beer, then asked to put his warm beers in my fridge.  You have no money for gas or to buy minutes for your phone, but have money for Corona and cigarettes?  Can't even buy cheap beer, but corona?

He was totally perplexed that i did not want a beer at 9:30 am, and that it has been several weeks since I indulged in a beer.  Unfathomable apparently.

It is approaching that hour where he has shown up the last two mornings, but I am parked in a different spot on the property less likely to be noticed, and if noticed, perhaps he'd take it as a hint.  I was going to bust out the camouflage tarps, but refrained.

I suspect the law will have him soon.  He has no registration  a fake registration sticker, no insurance, is sleeping in his truck, and has not been making wise decisions as to where to overnight, if anything he says can be believed.

It is hard not helping somebody who is desperate, Yet I obviously cannot do so again if asked, as it will become a habit.  One I cannot afford.  He is one of those people who just sucks all the energy out of you. Mentally draining, and this was before he became desperate.  As Someone who requires more 'alone time' than 99.8% of the population, I simply cannot handle being around somebody I do not want to be around, and this guy tops the list of anybody I am ever likely to be around.

He had mentioned how others have recommended churches and homeless places/organizations to help him get by, but he is still delusional as to his pride and abilities, and lack of options and seeming inability to help himself.    Every option I have offered as to a place to park safely overnight was rebuffed, or solutions to his money woes, rebuffed.

  IAttempting to offer solutions to his predicament is kind of like how a woman does not want you to propose solutions to a problem, but just listen to them about it and offer compassion.  Much stranger when it is some pride filled  quasi macho man wanting compassion and help.

Heck the guy is a somewhat skilled and experienced carpenter, with tools and a truck.  He could stand on the corner of Home Depot with the illegals and earn 80$ a day minimum.  The guys hiring the illegals love to have one with their own truck and tools, but he'd likely get his ass kicked by the illegals, as he is also racist.  He blames them as to why he cannot work in construction anymore, as he does not speak spanish.

Everybody else's fault.  The guy is an excuse machine.

I can't even expend any more energy thinking about him.


 

 

[mockturtle]

Alcoholism or any addiction is a symptom of something bigger

With all due respect, alcoholism/addiction IS the problem.  BTDT.  By the grace of God, 32 years clean and sober. 

 

[vanman2300]

Just a thought but could you get served a restraining order for being a conduit through which this guy illegally makes contact? I know that depends on if the other party gets angry about it but can you afford to take the risk? Maybe you can scare him off by relating others are talking about turning him in to the police or use it as a very good reason not to continue helping him. In the end you must know he'll blame you..... It always seems to end up the person helping becomes the villain.

 

[Canine]

You may just have to use some harsh words on him.Heck,just because he likes to drink doesn't mean he shouldn't take care of himself.It's guys like him who give the rest of us alcoholics a bad name.

 

[cdiggy]

With all due respect, alcoholism/addiction IS the problem.  BTDT.  By the grace of God, 32 years clean and sober. 

That may be your experience but it is not mine. That door swings both ways. There is more then one kind of addiction. Some self medicate due to problems they have that do not stem from physical or mental dependence. Their lives started falling apart long before they escaped in drugs and alcohol.

 

[SoulRaven]

Having been in your predicament I can definitely sympathize with it.

What I finally did was tell the guy that the cops came calling looking for him, and instructed me to call them if I see him, and they probably contacted all of the neighbors as well. I told him I would give him a break if he left right away, but if he returned to the neighborhood surely somebody would call the cops on him.

It worked...

 

[mockturtle]

Having been in your predicament I can definitely sympathize with it.

What I finally did was tell the guy that the cops came calling looking for him, and instructed me to call them if I see him, and they probably contacted all of the neighbors as well.  I told him I would give him a break if he left right away, but if he returned to the neighborhood surely somebody would call the cops on him.

It worked...

What a great idea! 

 

[SternWake]

What a great idea! 

X2  

Thanks Off Grid.

No sighting of him today, that I know of.

 

[Canine]

There are several million alcoholics in the U.S. who are solid members of society and their community.They go to work every day,provide for their families,pay their taxes and only want to be left alone to live their lives.Some folks on here imply that everyone who drinks is miserable and a dead weight on society .Absolutely not true .Over 90% of alcoholics maintain a solid ,stable life.Many are regular church participates and are leaders in the community.For some people,alcohol is the problem,For other people,alcohol is the relief from the problem.Judge not,lest Ye be judjed.

 

[mconlonx]

Some people can handle alcohol responsibly, even occasionally in excess, and are not alcoholics. Some people can't be responsible drinkers and are alcoholics. This character seems more like the latter.