My first essay into fiction

[USExplorer]

Comments welcome, but please don't judge me too harshly. 

Here is the link to the story, which is posted on my travel blog: http://winterwanderer.over-blog.com/2016/10/pickup-a-short-story.html

Thanks for reading.

 

[Mizmozy]

Excellent!

 

[Cammalu]

Scary! Real good job!


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[ccbreder]

I had a hard time getting past the littering.

 

[MrNoodly]

I don't know if you want an actual critique, but here goes. I think it needs a lot of editing. There are redundancies and unnecessary phrases. And there are some misused words (rift and roughage, for example). Here's how I would rework the first paragraph to make it crisper.

The crimson evening sun dropped behind a low strip of clouds as the wanderer took the final swig from a can of beer. He smashed the can between his palms and let it drop onto the unmowed roadside among broken beer bottles, countless cigarette butts, a high heeled shoe, a torn leather work glove. Numberless drivers leaving sign of their passing at this interchange. Time to move on and find a place out of town to spend the night.

 

[USExplorer]

Thanks for reading everyone! I've been traveling the last few days and haven't kept up with things.

@MrNoodly: I know my style of writing is not very smooth, some things could be reworded. Just looking at the story today I see many sentences that could be reworded. Some of the wordiness was deliberate, though. I just finished re-reading one of Cormac McCarthy's most verbose works, and his writing style probably influenced mine.

 

[BradKW]

hmm, well...I'm tempted to not say anything, but that was pretty...rough. Not sure how much critique you're looking for, so I'll stop here. I will say I've always enjoyed your travel logs