Sorry to hear of your loss. It's hard now, but will get better later. I'm sure you had a good relationship with your dad. As for myself, I have a dad who I believe is still alive, but I haven't kept in touch with him for at least a dozen years. He has his own life, and I have mine, and we live on separate coasts. To me, it's as if he isn't alive. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to actually have a relationship with my father, but it's neither practical nor even a desire for me. Such is life, I don't try to make sense of it anymore.