Spaceman Spiff
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Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in a dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and 3 sizes smaller?
-- Spiff
-- Spiff
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Optimistic Paranoid
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*Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. *
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH - THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it, dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH - THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Optimistic Paranoid
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Combat Gnomes
http://www.gardenlandscapeideas.org/ideas/look/233/combatgardengnomes.html
PS: I hereby nominate the people who make these for membership in our "They Ain't Right" club . . .
http://www.gardenlandscapeideas.org/ideas/look/233/combatgardengnomes.html
PS: I hereby nominate the people who make these for membership in our "They Ain't Right" club . . .
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lenny flank
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I can't say anything at all--my state is known as "Flori-duh".slynne said:
LeeRevell
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lenny flank said:I can't say anything at all--my state is known as "Flori-duh".
Up here in North Florida, we call it "Lower Alabama".
South Florida is "Cuba del Norte".
karl
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True taser story-
Several years ago, my 20 year old son and his girlfriend were living in a city and decided to make a large cash deposit in their bank. Jr is easily agitated in public or unfamiliar surroundings and decided that a taser would ease their minds during the trip to the bank. He acquires the thing, tosses it into the pouch pocket of his hoodie and off they go. All is well until they are ushered into an office to fill out paperwork, they sit and when it is his turn to sign papers he leans forward to reach for the pen being handed to him- Yup, that is when he tased himself in the belly, apparently the ensuing commotion caused security and police to be summoned. Chairs were righted and the pen retrieved from where he launched it, papers signed, police stopped laughing, and eventually girlfriend spoke to him again.
Several years ago, my 20 year old son and his girlfriend were living in a city and decided to make a large cash deposit in their bank. Jr is easily agitated in public or unfamiliar surroundings and decided that a taser would ease their minds during the trip to the bank. He acquires the thing, tosses it into the pouch pocket of his hoodie and off they go. All is well until they are ushered into an office to fill out paperwork, they sit and when it is his turn to sign papers he leans forward to reach for the pen being handed to him- Yup, that is when he tased himself in the belly, apparently the ensuing commotion caused security and police to be summoned. Chairs were righted and the pen retrieved from where he launched it, papers signed, police stopped laughing, and eventually girlfriend spoke to him again.
slynne
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LeeRevell
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Haha! Kinda like my local area. A big stretch of the highway I live on, including a very major intersection, is being widened and totally rebuilt. Gonna be years in the building. Many similar areas around town too.glad I am retired, and don't have to deal with the morning, noon and evening rush periods.
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^^^^^^Lee
And how can all those Florida miles be "under construction" and sectioned off/closed and not a damn worker to be seen........
Can you imagine if they had to deal with a real WINTER ?
Orlando.....Interstate 4 is a mess......
doug
And how can all those Florida miles be "under construction" and sectioned off/closed and not a damn worker to be seen........
Can you imagine if they had to deal with a real WINTER ?
Orlando.....Interstate 4 is a mess......
doug
LeeRevell
Well-known member
abnorm said:
Haha! Winter? A light snow pretty much paralyzes us. What I dealt with driving across west Texas one winter would have stopped all traffic here cold.
I agree with the lack of road workers. They will be going like blazes one day, make good progress, then the rest of the week..... nada. No wonder a six month project takes two years to complete.
Optimistic Paranoid
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highdesertranger
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haha good one OP. highdesertranger
LeeRevell
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Nosey little Austrian paper-hanger.......
lenny flank
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abnorm said:
In all seriousness, in Florida all the road work is done at NIGHT, when there's less traffic and it's not so hot. Not many people want to be working in the summer sun......
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