How to approach a solo woman

[Matlock]

I do an avoidance turn and walk faster; he follows. I do another avoidance maneuver and jog a bit; he follows. Final strategy is full frontal aggressive walking towards him, ................

I no longer have a gun carry permit, I do carry, illegally, a small 22 caliber, 9 shot revolver. In the situation you describe.....After the second avoidance maneuver, I'd turn, point the gun and say loudly, your stalking me and I'm about to shoot you. I would indeed end the threat for me and any future victims if it came to that. Then pull out the cell phone and call a lawyer, cause I would really, really need one.

 

[John61CT]

Gotta love it, ' murica!

Keep your weapon hidden, confront with calm confidence **from a distance**, still have time to draw if needed.

 

[ckelly78z]

Drawing your CCW will put some of the blame on you automatically, so be willing to use it, not just threaten with it.

It's always better to keep it concealed unless you are firing it.

 

[B and C]

Don't show a weapon to someone, it is called brandishing. You only pull it out when you are going to shoot it. That is one of the things I got out of CC class.

 

[QinReno]

+1.

 

[Dingfelder]

Whip out your phone.  Make it obvious.  Take photos.  Send them to someone you trust.  Call them when the situation ends to let them know you are all right.

Easily the most intelligent of the last dozen or so posts.

 

[Dingfelder]

Everyone should read info about not being a target.

- https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/seven-second-rule-how-avoid-being-seen-easy-target-ncna789226
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200901/how-avoid-being-victim
- https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/features/how-protect-yourself-against-crime

I like the ideas of: mace, airhorn, cellphone photos.

I don't so much like the idea of having a weapon, eg knife or stick, UNLESS you have been SPECIFICALLY trained in how to use it, as otherwise it would be fairly easy for someone to take it away from you and use it on you.

Some of us were ingrained as boy scouts to: Always Be Prepared in Mind and Body. Plan ahead on what to do in various situations that may come up, eg car breakdowns, how to live on the road, safety.

A lot of the ideas in this thread are very lazy thinking and life mistakes, if not outright dead-wrong in the immediate term, but I can endorse this one.  As a well-trained martial artist and instructor, I can vouch for the fact that an untrained tool may not only be useless but perilous to its wielder.

If you do not have the resolve to use a weapon, or even a psychological approach, immediately and without disruption, it's better to try something else.  Chances are most attackers will be better versed in violence than you are, and to some extent that doesn't matter anyway because people tend to attack from advantage, be it the element of surprise, or from being hyped up to attack and crazed with adrenaline, or both.  The average person noodling down the street thinking about his life or what her chihuahua is sniffing has no idea.  You don't want to be caught flat-footed having to make a decision. 

That is probably what will happen if things go sour.

Which, at any rate, they almost certainly will not, as the crime statistics make clear to anyone who is content with reality rather than paranoia and hyperbole.

Regardless, you must be comfortable with your response to violence.  Not internet-comfortable, like 99% plus of the people you'll see here and elsewhere talking about how tough and/or experienced or world-wise/weary they are.  Deep in your core, in a way nobody can tell you or evaluate for you, on a feral level, and in a way you'd better be honest about to yourself about.  Fluid.

Lack of fluidity itself is a problem, and one that will sink most people in anything remotely like hard times.  Few come close to fluidity at all, much less under pressure, and vanishingly few ever will be.

If you can, make up for it the best you can by keeping it very, very simple.

In other words, you'd be better off with anything at all you could use than anything fancy.  You might be better with an apple or a dustpan in your hand than a knife or a kubotan.  And at least nobody will arrest you for hitting a guy with an apple.

At least preferentially.

 

[Ms Linda]

What bigsallysmom said about using your phone. I'd tell the guy that I was on livestream on YouTube.

 

[Doubleone]

I've interviewed many hundreds of victims and I've taught personal safety classes to the public. The number one thing is to develop a survivor mentality.  The biggest single thing victims do that contributes to them becoming a victim is to rationalize away the circumstances and disregard their fears. Reasonable fear is healthy and necessary. I too have read Malcom Gladwell's Blink... our minds are capable of processing immensely complex information in an instant, and that instantaneous thought is usually correct. If a situation doesn't seem right, it doesn't look right, it doesn't feel safe... then it isn't!  Take action, make a change, get out!  

My best advice is to be aware of your surroundings, don't look or act like a victim, and don't place yourself into the position of being a victim.  The next question I usually hear is, should I carry a gun...?  When I hear people ask me this I immediately know they're not ready to carry a gun.  Having a gun, or mace, or even a big stick can give a false sense of security.  People carrying weapons can unwittingly place themselves into a bad situation, or fail to take action or remove themselves from a situation because they have false courage.  Learn to trust your gut feelings and take appropriate action.  

Kudos to the OP!  She handled the situation well...  Aside from placing herself into a remote area, she was prepared, physically with mace, and mentally with the armor of a survivor mindset.  She projected confidence, and did not appear as a victim.  That guy was definitely acting like a creep, lacking social awareness, and completely out of touch with acceptable social etiquette.

 

[bullfrog]

I think the best lesson here is don't approch anyone unless you have to when out alone and if you do announce yourself, state your purpose and ask permission to approch from out of range. I had a neighbor that had a sign that read "If can read this you are in range" and now days most people especially in Arizona mean it.

 

[Varmint]

If you're going to take a pic or video, by all means livestream it or send it IMMEDIATELY to one of your accounts or someone else's you know and/or trust, preferably someone your stalker can't identify or get to. Then, DISCONNECT so he can't see what you did and delete it. This will leave a clue in case someone has to find you or your stalker. Any attempt by a stalker to rapidly close distance is an attempt to assault, and should cause you to proceed immediately to the use of deadly force without further warning.

I agree with a previous post: NEVER brandish a weapon or tell someone you have one. I've had people try ANYTHING to get their hands on it, as well as continuing to try to "groom" me, make me trust THEM, rather than MY instincts, or even try to seem "familiar" to me, etc... I won't go into further details, but there is no limit whatsoever to what some stalkers will stoop to in their desperation to make you their target and victim.

In my opinion, this stalker was "casing" for future use, and will likely file this experience away for future reference. Court records are loaded with references to those who stalk their targets for a long time in an attempt to discover any weakness or advantage they can use.

A can of bear spray mounted in a front-facing "holster" would be a good investment for such travels in the future. A gun is the last resort for those persistently stupid enough to violate my boundaries. I'm no fan of "asking permission" (license) to carry a gun, much less use it, but it does put you in far better light in the eyes of law enforcement due to the brainwashing they've invariably received as part of their training. Talk to a lawyer NOW and make your preparations, instead of waiting for the aftermath of an incident. Let HIS experience, coupled with your own, guide your future response.

 

[Shaven]

Purchase Bear Spray via Amazon and carry it with you. We have several and the UDAP brand is best. Very effective with bears, cougars, feral dogs ...both the two legged and four legged varieties.
Is legal to carry in all states and can be legal taken over the border into Canada.
Many diff sizes, but basically has up to 12-13 seconds of pepper spray with a range of 25 to 35 feet and can be used for short bursts ( not an all or nothing shot). Aim directly for the eyes and mouth/nose.

 

[michaelbutak]

When out in the wilderness you are your own law there and there will be no lawman running to your defense and with that being said I have never heard of a lawman without a gun.

 

[Co33]

He could be clueless.....but fact is he basically chased you in an isolated area and that is damn concerning. I would be concerned EVEN if it was not an isolated area.  He ADMITTED he was following you! If he was just a clueless father taking a video of a strange woman dogs for his daughters (come on)....I wonder what he would think if some random guy did that to one of his daughters? I am sure he would not be encouraging her to be nice and dont think the worst.  
Your number one concern is protecting yourself.  Predators have and will use "being nice" against you.  when I was stationed in the UK there was this young woman who was kidnapped and raped repeatedly because some 50 year old pervert pretended he was disabled at a supermarket.  He asked for her help to put the groceries in his van and pushed her in and locked the door.  

I HATE that people downplay something like this.  Your instinct was this was not right and you should (and did) honor them.  Yes, it sucks that you have to think the worst of people but it is NOT your duty to be nice so you don't hurt someone feelings.  I especially hate it when guys chime in and say your are being paranoid.  Would they say that if there wife/daughter/sister/whatever had the same thing happen to them?  Rape/murder can and does happen to a guy too....but not on the same level as it does to woman.  Screw being nice - you prob will never see this wierdo again, honor your instincts ALWAYS, be prepared to protect yourself and remain safe.

 

[Firebuild]

I believe in trusting people. Maybe too much. Once my friend and I were at In N Out and this young couple came up and asked us if we'd give them a ride up the hill to the Sheraton. They said they were on their Honeymoon and had walked down, not realizing how far it was. I said "Sure" and they hopped in. After they got out at the Sheraton, my friend marveled at the fact that I had let them into my car. She said she would never in a million years have done that: all she could think about was Karla Homolka and Paul Bernardo. I don't know what surprised me more: that she thought of that looking at these nice young people, or that I, true crime podcast junkie that I am, didn't.

That said, I also believe in paying attention. This guy is creepiness at its finest. Who in the world, if their intention is to take a picture of cute dogs, wouldn't call out with an "Excuse me?"

Thank you for protecting yourself. If he's a bad guy, you scared him off. If he's a good guy (which I highly doubt from the behavior) he learned a lesson on how NOT to approach someone. I'm not one for generalizing, but this is one situation the average man couldn't possibly understand. Human predators are largely male, and those predators see a lone female the way a coyote sees a chihuahua. What's that saying? "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them."

I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Not I give my doubts the benefit, and I don't dismiss them.

As they say on one of my true crime podcasts, "F*ck politeness!" (They also say, "Stay sexy - don't get murdered.")

 

[Firebuild]

A lot of the ideas in this thread are very lazy thinking and life mistakes, if not outright dead-wrong in the immediate term, but I can endorse this one.  As a well-trained martial artist and instructor, I can vouch for the fact that an untrained tool may not only be useless but perilous to its wielder.
...
Which, at any rate, they almost certainly will not, as the crime statistics make clear to anyone who is content with reality rather than paranoia and hyperbole.
...
Lack of fluidity itself is a problem, and one that will sink most people in anything remotely like hard times.  Few come close to fluidity at all, much less under pressure, and vanishingly few ever will be.

I agree that there is a lot of fear-mongering in our culture. Child abductions, for example, are way down according to the FBI, but you wouldn't know it from the news. That doesn't change the fact that life requires common sense and caution. Not every set of footsteps behind you is following you, but when they stop when you stop, speed up when you speed up... guess what? They're following you. Nothing hyperbolic about that. We're not all well trained martial artists, so we discuss these situations with others in the hope of gaining a better understanding. I'm not really sure how that adds up to lazy thinking. 

Crime statistics are irrelevant if you become a victim of crime. Statistically, odds are good I'm not going to get murdered. But if I'm in a situation that feels murdery to me I'm going to react. 

I hope I always err on the side of trust; it's a better way to live, at least for me. But in creepy situations, like the one the OP was in, self-trust trumps other-trust. That, to me, is fluidity.

 

[Doubleone]

I freely admit I view the world differently...  My reality is different than most people. I've responded to crime scenes and witnessed the aftermath.  I have a couple of decades of talking with victims and criminals.  I absolutely hate to see someone be victimized, even thinking about it awakens the warrior spirit inside.  

I find it curious how many people downplay the notion of a prepared mindset and abdicate responsibility for their own safety, mislabeling it as fear-mongering. I've hosted personal safety workshops.  Some might accuse me of seeing a pervert behind every tree and criminals in every alley, of fear-mongering...  Of course, when I inquire I tend to find they've never been victimized, or perhaps they hold a Pollyanna-ish view of the world.  However, when I ask a past victim they share a dramatically different perspective.  A common theme is a pattern of behavior that leads to becoming a victim.  Many victims sensed something wasn't right but failed to act and regret not handling the situation differently.  True, not every weird creepy person is a murderer, rapist, robber, but the point is way too many victims rationalized away obviously bad circumstances and dismissed that inner voice of reason that we sometimes call fear.  

I suppose ignorance is bliss, if people had knowledge of a fraction of what goes on they wouldn't sleep as well at night.  I often wonder how things might be different if people could take a look at the world through my eyes, even just for a brief moment...  I wholly agree, people should not have to live in constant fear.  Suffering in blind fear, closing yourself off to the world and hiding inside your darkened house is unhealthy and diminishes quality of life.  I've seen way too many past victims who live in unhealthy fear long after being victimized just once.  That's why I believe its much better to have reasonable fear, to be prepared with a survivor mindset, and avoid becoming a victim in the first place, forgoing all that 'head noise' after the fact.

I advocate a survivor mentality and cautious trust.  Blind fear is an unhealthy victim mentality, reasonable fear is healthy survivor mentality.  If it makes the concept more palatable think of reasonable fear as 'threat assessment'.  Survivors are continually performing threat assessments.  Blind trust is a victim mentality, inviting an opportunity to be victimized through your own omission or commission.  Cautious trust is healthy behavior, placing bounds and limitations to mitigate risk.  Cautious trust can always be upgraded to full trust once a person has earned it.  

Look at it this way, survival behavior might be interpreted as rude and others might be offended, but if my behavior causes me to become a victim then I get offended more deeply.  So it's much better if others are offended... it's ok if they get all boo-boo-faced, they'll get over it.

 

[Van-Tramp]

Please do not carry (and rely on) bear spray to protect yourself from human attackers. It will have little to no effect and carrying it for that purpose is against federal law (read the bottle for that clear statement). Either carry the correct tool for the job or none at all and just pray for your safety as so many people do

As for the original post title, I don't see the difference in how ANYONE approaches a man OR woman. To think there is a special way a woman should be treated over a man is wrong. I'm not saying the OP was wrong, just that it doesn't matter what sex you are. If that guy did what he did to a man, he was just as wrong. A woman should be approached in the same manner as a man... With respect

 

[Dingfelder]

I agree. And the title bothers me a bit too. We self-segregate and fear each other too much. Despite plunging crime statistics, we catastrophize about life and speak as if the sky is falling all too often, in a way that potentially cripples us in real life and can trivialize real problems and dangers.

It's a two-way street, too. People should be nice to each other, but give each other plenty of comfortable space too, which includes reasonable benefit of the doubt. If a person cannot behave naturally and without undue concern, yet of course courteously, in the vicinity of either man or woman "just in case,", nobody benefits and the world will be a lot worse off due to the creation of a stilted and unnatural social climate and a crippled sense of ordinary freedom of movement and association. And we wind up making miserable examples to our children of how a confident and balanced, even-keeled person of either sex should act.

The catastrophization off everyday life is not a step up or a gain for anybody. Respect is always desirable, but fragility is an unfortunate thing we can have compassion for rather than seek to encourage and have people take up en masse.

 

[RVTravel]

The OP did it all just right.