How to approach a solo woman

[travelaround]

I hope you got his license plate number.

 

[GraceinMotion]

two random dogs

Thank you all for your valuable input. I should have stated that the dogs are corgis, which tend to excite people more than the average mutt I guess. But, people usually yell, "ARE THOSE CORGIS?", as they approach. The fact that this guy pursued in silence made me put up extra guard and locate the pepper spray in my pocket as I turned to confront him. In hindsight, I think I also should have circled back towards my vehicle when the voice in my head said, "what the hell is with this dude?".
I couldn't get a tag #; there were no other cars around. I'm guessing he lived in a neighborhood down the road.

 

[travelaround]

Yes, probably so. I'm reading a book called "The Gift of Fear" - I found mention of it recently on another thread here. It is essential training for trusting and acting on those gut feelings, or intuitions.

Not that we should always be fearful, but that those intuitions are "the gift of fear" that will guide us when things aren't as they should be.

 

[RoamerRV428]

I doubt the man's daughters (if they even exist) would encourage, or approve of, him shadowing a woman to get video of two random dogs for their amusement.

My vote? He was either lying, a *******, or a stalker. Probably all three.

But what do I know, I wasnt there.

This.  Agree with the evaluation.  A random vid. of dogs for kids?  WTH?  come on dude...lying sack of....

OP, You were smart to confront.  But you made a wrong decision not circling back faster to your vehicle.  When the 'fur goes up' and you KNOW you are being pursued in a strange fashion as this guy did admit to tailing you for this dog vid. pic.....your fur up should have sent you back toward your vehicle sooner.  I would be doing that direct line back to safety faster than you did

I travel with a big kick azz knife and it would scare the hell out of anyone and I would use it in a heartbeat.
I carry hiking poles to stab ya and bear spray when out and about alone.  I got defenses.  Not saying they will keep me alive at any given situation LOL but hey I got some defense to try to keep me alive if needed.  best I can do I guess.

 

[Dingfelder]

The Gift of Fear was a horrible injection into our culture. The last thing we need is someone teaching people how not to think. (And to hire more security experts.) Malcolm Gladwell did some of the same when telling people that their first thought is usually the best one. Really foolish and short-sighted. Lizards have first thoughts; the problem is, the first thoughts of humans are exactly the same. Unless we want to live like lizards, it's best not to retreat into reptile-level thinking. At least not until warranted. That's what that extra portion of brain is for. And it is a large portion.

I like Steven Pinker's outlook better in his The Better Angels of our Nature. He points out that violence has been in precipitous decline in our society since the 70's, yet the perception of violence has gone way, way up. Perceptions are not reality. Which means we shouldn't be too quick to celebrate them.

Have we lost nothing now that kids can't go out alone on Halloween or in some places even ride their bikes on the street anymore? Decide for yourself. But I'm with Pinker, and believe that if you come through your days cherishing your fears, preconceptions, and first reactive impulses to stress or difference more than ever, you're doing it wrong.

Again, since I know it will be brought up if not cut off at the past, as to this specific incident, I defer to the OP, because I wasn't there.

NOTE: If you are a guy and have a memory, something like this has happened to you multiple times. Just goes to show you.

Man: walking to work or class
Woman: Huh? or OMG! Is this guy following me?
Man: What's with that woman giving me a weird look?

I'm a courteous guy. Sometimes I have crossed the street when a woman looked fearful, or ducked into a shop, just to put her mind at ease. Or taken a longer route just as a courtesy. Even when I've been running late. No desire to scare anybody.

But I have no intention of doing it every time. People need to be a little bit resilient themselves. And fear is no gift whatsoever. It doesn't mean you're living in the moment and aware. It means that you are not. And it makes you less effective whether there is any danger or not.

 

[travelaround]

From the point of view of a woman who has been too trusting and consequently victimized several times, I think recognizing and paying attention to intuitions and gut feelings is a valuable skill.

Fear, I can do without. After all, I am a Christian and the Bible says "Perfect love casts out fear." But if there's any reason someone could be planning to harm me, I want to pick up on that and protect myself.

 

[WanderingRose]

If your default mode is thinking that the whole world, all 100% of it, is out to rape and kill you so you never leave the house, then I'd agree that you've turned the world into a very scary place for yourself. But if your default mode is recognizing when people are behaving in strange ways, and taking a clue from their behavior and recognizing that you're safety may be threatened because of something someone else is doing, then that seems pretty normal.
~angie

I agree with this.  Keeping ones antennae active, and paying attention to it, is how especially we women traveling alone stay safe.

None of us responding here were there, but the OP wrote of her experience, deserves our support and for benefit of the doubt to lie with her, in my opinion.  

She was not reporting on a mutual friend whose side and opinion should be obtained and some neutrality considered, and I feel judgement and opinion on the offenders behavior and motives is not only appropriate but required.

She assessed accurately, and made the right decisions, in my opinion.

If his intent was entirely benign then he was certainly going about it in a problematic manner, from what I can see, and deserves no benefit of the doubt when that belongs to the OP who was there.

Sometimes judging another, at least preliminarily, is called for and appropriate.  

We’re not issuing arrest warrants, nor plotting with authority to deprive the offender of freedoms, but supporting the OP after a scary encounter.

I am one who believes our country is generally safe, as are most of the people in it.

But stay aware, and make decisions accordingly if something doesn’t seem right, is the accepted mantra, and is what the OP did.

 

[RoamerRV428]

A man will never understand a woman's perspective on this issue. Can't happen and never will.

Fear is what kept the caveman alive so all these future generations can be thankful for those who were 'overly cautious' in their short frantic chaotic lives


I have 1 daughter.
I told her since age 8 IF FOR ANY reason your fur goes up, that feeling of 'ain't good', 'something is off' in ANY way to leave a situation ASAP. Do not ever question yourself one iota on this feeling. Who cares if you leave a fun party early and 'nothing happened' yet a small thing made you feel 'super uncomfortable' and 'out of your element'? Not a darn thing wrong with that issue. You left early and are safe point blank. What could have happened if you stayed against your feelings of something is off, wrong, not right? Won't ever know thank goodness cause ya had the smarts to feel a situation and react.

everyone knows the Class B horror movies. We all scream 'run run run now' but the person never does for the sake of being murdered in that movie LOL for entertainment....but geez ya'll we all know when the fur goes up something is not right. Those who don't react could or could not have troubles in a situation but those who do react and seek safety or change from that feeling immediately are more apt to never invite troubles.

we all been there.
we all know this feeling. most times it is nothing, but that one time? ugh. I for one will do anything to protect myself at every turn. Fear? Nope it is darn street smarts and gut instincts and those who choose to avoid such given instincts are the ones who belong in the Class B movies

 

[John61CT]

Yah this "positive mental attitude, we create our own reality" is all fine and good for help us achieve even our most ambitious dreams.

But when it's used to blame the victim, that's taking it way too far.

Of course we all know that statistics show crime across the board is down over 30-40 years, but sexual assault is still **way** too common for women to be able to let their guard down in a dicey situation.

May that one day not be the case, but it's very hard to see how we get there from where we are now.

 

[ByeBye]

My thoughts are you handled that pretty well. My hackles when up when I read about you taking evasive type actions and him following, that usually denotes predatory mindset. However, I was not there to sense it or read the non-verbal communication going on.

I'm 6'4" and weigh over 220 lbs and I have always been aware of how just the size of larger males can have an effect on others. It's a blessing and a curse, lol. I don't really go out of my way to appear non-threatening, I just try to stay aware using eye contact and genuine smiles.

Personally, even if I had wanted shots of the Corgi's I would have NEVER followed you after you changed course. However, that doesn't make the other guy evil but it certainly makes him naive, at best, imo.

You showed good situational awareness and seemed prepared. Good job.
A thought that keeps popping up for me is that I wish there was a video or photo of him. Not to publicize but to offer officials, if need be.

 

[bigsallysmom]

Whip out your phone. Make it obvious. Take photos. Send them to someone you trust. Call them when the situation ends to let them know you are all right.

 

[travelaround]

Whip out your phone.  Make it obvious.  Take photos.  Send them to someone you trust.  Call them when the situation ends to let them know you are all right.

Great idea! Use technology for all it's worth!

 

[closeanuf]

My first thought was take a picture of him taking a picture of you and let him know you are sending it to your daughter.

 

[WanderingRose]

The thing is, these things happen so quickly that whipping out ones’ phone is not necessarily the first thought, it’s getting away.  :s

The younger generation, they’re the ones with phones on their hands all the time.

I don’t know, either, if trying to take a picture of someone who was actually intent on doing you harm would provoke them or make them run away.

A police officer friend of mine, female, urges me to carry a whistle when I am walking with my dog, for protection and to be located in case of an emergency such as a fall.

 

[QinReno]

Everyone should read info about not being a target.

- https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/seven-second-rule-how-avoid-being-seen-easy-target-ncna789226
- https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200901/how-avoid-being-victim
- https://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/features/how-protect-yourself-against-crime

I like the ideas of: mace, airhorn, cellphone photos.

I don't so much like the idea of having a weapon, eg knife or stick, UNLESS you have been SPECIFICALLY trained in how to use it, as otherwise it would be fairly easy for someone to take it away from you and use it on you.

Some of us were ingrained as boy scouts to: Always Be Prepared in Mind and Body. Plan ahead on what to do in various situations that may come up, eg car breakdowns, how to live on the road, safety.

 

[closeanuf]

I'm 70 and my phone is always in my pocket.  I'm also a male but I take pictures of things all the time that don't seem right.  If you took a picture and sent it to someone at least there would be a clue if something were to happen and if you had gps on the picture someone might know where you were when the picture was taken.

 

[wagoneer]

I don't approach women men ,dogs, odd vehicles,public transportation, authority figures, school zones ,Malls ,drunk people, Walmarts, did I mention woman? You might ask "Well how do you meet people ?" I don't. At 70 most people just want something. So you all don't try meeting me, thanks.

 

[GraceinMotion]

Wagoneer, you left out aliens...

 

[wagoneer]

Ha Ha you are right ,well I would be intrigued enough to look, not stare.

 

[tx2sturgis]

Don't let Wagoneer fool you guys...he walked right up to me and said hello at the RTR....