Coping with a spouse's mid life crisis

[owl]

Alt, where do you stand now? Sometimes threads get jacked into everybody else. What about you?

 

[AltTransBikes]

Run the gamut, owl my friend, high to low and east to west. Everything comes round, doesn't it? Or not. I'm no longer chasing, so rather now being chased. Funny how that works, juggling all the balls in the air.

Ravishing beauty and a grip on my soul would break me if I were lesser man.

 

[mconlonx]

Two weeks after Alt posted this thread, my wife informed me that we shouldn't be together. Again.

The last time she said the same words, we reconciled as usual, but I said this would be the last time I did not believe her.

And so, when she said it yet again, that was it, time to split.

She's manic depressive. Thought I could deal with it and her self medication - in which I enthusiastically indulged - but no, not long term. Hurt too much.

---

(cont'd)

I can't continue to disappoint and hurt her, I can't keep living in her depression and being hurt by her.

I had hoped to grow old with her. At the time of the split, we had plans... which amounted to nothing.

We still hang out. she's still my best friend.

When I served up divorce papers, she was surprised and hurt, thought there was a chance at reconcilliation. I had been very clear on the matter...

I don't count this as a mid-life thing. But it kicked me into vandwelling as a positive force in my life.

Still picking up the pieces. Life goes on. For both of us, but apart. Wish things had gone different, but they didn't.

Tried as hard as I could; we couldn't agree to deal with each others' faults on equal terms, so we're split.

 

[owl]

mconlonx, One of the things I got from your post, she's still my best friend. Relationships run the gamut. Good luck with yours.

 

[owl]

      How are you guys ?

 

[Rugster]

I'm late to this thread but it's a relief to know others have gone through pretty much my exact thing.

 

[mconlonx]

      How are you guys ?

Hanging in there. Definitely better than where I was at a year ago. Or even this past October when I originally posted. 

Submitted final divorce papers last month, should be legally split by March. It's a relief. 

Moving on...

 

[owl]

    mcon, No one can really give you valid advice based on their experiences because every relationship is unique. That cleared up, I will proceed to give you advice. Friends may be the most important part of our lives, maybe more even than families. I would urge you to continue your friendship with this lady on some level. Don't allow the split to turn into something you both will regret. The people you allow closest to you are the best source of comfort, advice and grounding. They will tell you the truth, hopefully, and understand you in ways others can't. 

     If you live life so cautiously to never fail, you end up failing at life itself.


                                                            Michael

 

[mconlonx]

Owl,

You're a Michael? So am I.

We are still good friends. I hang out at her place probably once a week; if temps drop below 0degF, I sleep on her futon. We still look out for each other. She's ex-no.2. And she has our cats, who I still enjoy visiting with. I still enjoy kicking her ass at Scrabble every now and then.

Likewise, part of my existence revolves around ex-no.1 and her family. I care-take our son in the apartment they built for him in my ex-basement. My van is my bedroom, but I spend mornings and evenings hanging out with my son at his place, trying to impress life skills upon him as much as I can and he is receptive to. This situation developed as I was splitting with ex-no.2, and it reintroduced me to my ex-no.1-in-laws, who offered me my old position as a meat cutter on their beef farm while also getting into slaughtering. In trade, I am building a sugar shack/tiny house on her property with the understanding that as long as I'm working on the farm and staying with my son, I stay there for free.

Unique relationships? Sure, got that in spades... In the meantime, I am patiently putting together a van and an over-arching VanPlan. I have a regular well-paying gig which I will play out a while longer. But it has a sell-by date and I plan to be gone before that goes down.

Splitting with ex-no.2 opened up possibilities I hadn't previously thought possible. While I miss the comfort of a devoted mate, the trade-offs are... different. I won't say better or worse, just not where I expected to be. And that's just fine. I am very much enjoying my local advanture.

A buddy of mine who died recently spent a year in a tent. In Maine. Which included a bitter winter and the leftovers of a hurricane. Here I am, vandwelling through the worst winter storms in ages. People are either horrified or envious. And this is a good thing to know about them...

I don't have to live in a van. There are all kinds of other opportunities which people have tossed out there, from friends to family. I'm making decent bank so I could always just find an apartment. But where's the fun in that? So I continue forward with the VanPlan as the best way for me, right now. Gives my life focus and a goal.

Yeah, I'm doing OK. Hope you are, too. Thanks for checking in.

Mike C

 

[owl]

             Life throws spears at our hearts. The thing is, hearts can take it and recover. May not seem like it sometimes, give it a chance and you may find a world even better than the one you left behind. Allow healing, allow feelings, allow new love into your heart. Share the person you are with people who get it.

 

[owl]

Hope you both are well and thriving. The sun keeps coming up every day, maybe to shine light in our lives. Show us where to go, I hope you both found your way.

 

[tx2sturgis]

Wow...

Sometimes a thread like this gets bumped and I swerve into it...its like peeling back layers of time...and some of the participants may be inactive now...

But much of it still seems to express the raw unhappiness that some people have in their lives....and I guess, helps me and maybe others when we realize, we all have issues to deal with.

Life is not all unicorns and butterflies, and no one is getting a free ride.

 

[AltTransBikes]

Hope you both are well and thriving. The sun keeps coming up every day, maybe to shine light in our lives. Show us where to go, I hope you both found your way.

Hello friend.

Yes found..and lost..found again, then......

Hard sometimes remembering the obstacle is the way, huge boulder blocking the middle of a trail, to go forward the rock is not an obstacle but the trail itself.

 

[owl]

" At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. " Lao Tzu   I like these words and visit 

them often. I think the lives we lead are somewhat like everyone else's, just the names are different. Perhaps that's where the empathy comes from. 

In many ways we all travel the same trails. Look up ahead, go right at the fork !

 

[SoulRaven]

This is the first time I have read the whole thread and it seems as though most of you have possibly hung out together camping or whatever. I only have a general idea of whats going on. All I will say is you have some very good friends in here with very good advice. During my marriage I have often times found that I was a lot of the problem. Im too mechanical, too driven and want to fix it fix it fix it. Whats the problem? Bam lets fix it and move on. My wife on the other hand probably like many other women is not like that at all. She wants a slower closer relationship. Don't know if I described that right.
I don't want to be gross or lewd but I will give you a short example of how I learned something pertaining to a woman's period. Many guys grow up in an environment that basically thinks of women during this time of the month as just being a bitch or a pain in the ass.  Unbelievable number of times that I have heard "Oh the bitch is on the rag". I never treated my wife bad over it but I started to notice that we had most arguments during this time. Well.....my dumb ass finally thought about it and started giving her the consideration and extra help that she might like at a time when shes feeling so bad. I mean we guys enjoy the good physical aspects of our women so we should fully participate in and be as kind as possible as she gets through her physical torture.

I'm not saying anything is your fault or that my story is her issue. I just use my story as something I learned that may in some way help you. Consider everything your friends have offered, look at yourself, are you being to rigid, too guy ish,  and dig real deep to connect with her and fix your problems. I always tell people it aint worth all the trouble and fussing, lets be happy and enjoy, we're going to be dead before long.  I truly hope everything works out for you.

Donedirtcheap,

That's a very good perception of women and you seem like a very thoughtful and loving husband to your wife.

The other problem that women face once they turn 50 is Menopause and this too makes them behave weird the behavior is not their fault but more or less due to hormonal changes. So this might also be an issue that the OP's wife is going through.

 

[Motrukdriver]

My lovely wife sure loves to revive these old threads. She started her mid life crisis stuff and since I've been trying to get her on the airplane back to Australia. She just tells me to STFU and finish mopping the floors because I missed a spot over there ----------------->

 

[SoulRaven]

And don't forget to do the dishes and then cook dinner. hahahahaha

 

[Capricci]

My husband filled for divorce just last week. Im having trouble coping, or was, because he is already"out there" living in a rig that I helped him to build. And he met all my heroes, Bob and others, and i feel like I'm going to be trapped partiming forever and never get out there,bc i have no income of my own like he does. But I'm doing a little better today. Fear kept me from going with him in the first place, and fear will ruin my dream completely if i let it. Anyway, my first goal is to leave my shorelife completely next summer and revisit as many of the places he took me to in Colorado as I possibly can, and stop and do some of the things he woudnt let me do. I made a list especially of the towns i like best and some views I would like to paint. And I thought that even if I'm single, as long as I stay away from him, or turn tail if I run into him, maybe my natural kindness and goodness be reborn. I like to help people, even if only helping them find things in the grocery store. And Even if i get forced back into shorelife at the end of summer, at least I will have had one adventure of my own. Does that sound crazy? Is that a mid life crises too? I'm 52, so I am actually post midlife.

 

[tav-2020]

Hi Capricci -
So sorry the read of your current situation.
Don't ever doubt that you have as much right as ANYONE to go where YOU want to go and pursue your own happiness. Decide what YOU want and go for it. Why does he get the rig you helped build? If you can hire a decent divorce lawyer things might be more equitable?...not really my business, but keep your head up and demand your happiness too!

As for one grand adventure, I try to see everyday as that and never lose sight of my goal...baby steps some days, nothing on others, but I will get there . You can too.

 

[Capricci]

Oh, well, the rig is another issue. Not many will understand or agree with this, but I feel that I helped him too build that rig for him. It was to be his home. Well, it is his home. Others want me to fight for half of it, or file for support and take from his income. But he has so little, in the first place, and is in terrible health. I just can't do it. I thought I loved him, but now I think I don't anymore. Or maybe I can't, because to love him is to hurt him, and I can't hurt him any more. All he wants is to be, i dunno, not with me. Good question, tho. But my anger is perishing along with my love. An anguishing process after a lifetime with one man. Somehow, i have to get going with my own journey. My family doesn't even know I'm parttiming, yet. They think Im going to an apartmrnt, at night. Any way, I'm running out of time. I have to launch next summer. If i don't i feel i never will. So all of this is pushing me to be braver, i guess. I just feel so alone. But i feel less alone when I'm in my little van.i guess at least on these forums i can find people who understand that. (I'm INFJ, by the way.)