Coping with a spouse's mid life crisis

[AltTransBikes]

There's an 800 lb. gorilla in the room. Not to be maudlin but I'm looking to sort this out and find a way through it. Any words of wisdom?

 

[WheelEstate USA]

Sorry to hear that.
Margie knows I won't put up with that BS. If she doesn't like the way I run this ship she can make other arrangements.

Period, end of story

 

[One Awesome Inch]

Marriage is tough. I am *barely* hanging on myself. The van is my plan in case the sh*t hits the fan (which I think it inevitably will). My only advice is to try to be understanding, kind and tolerant. However, there is a point where you dont want to be somebody else's doormat. As with all things there is a limit.

 

[WheelEstate USA]

My statement might be harsh, but I'm way past the point in life where I want crap.
Margie and I have been pretty much 24/7 partners since 05. We get along well and do about everything together, as wellas being comfortable in smaller spaces, like our sailboat or RV.
Sure, we've "had words", but its always settled, even if its by me putting my foot down.
She agreed from the start that my word is final, I'm the captain on this voyage and she's fine with that.

 

[dragonflyinthesky]

My spouse found a younger woman with little kids for a while. I went to bars then called friends to take me home, this went on for a few months. Then I got a little red sports car that pissed him off enough to make me happy. I had no urge to self medicate because I had the little red car.
He asked me for a divorce for 8 years before I finally agreed. We split things evenly said thanks for the kids and memories and made new lives for ourselves. We still speak and he has a wonderful wife that can make him happy and that makes me happy. I will never stop loving him and wish him only good vibes. Usually.
Bottom line is, if someone asks for a divorce for enough years, might be a sign you should give them what they want.
Advice though is to try for a least a while, just not 8 years.
Dragonfly

 

[owl]

ATB, because every relationship is different, what you hear from us may not be relative to your situation. I have always believed that if both parties want to be with each other they will find a way. If not, no amount of pleading, screaming or threatening is going to change anything. Even counseling is pointless if both parties don't sincerely want to be together. Relationships are just like a job, they require a daily commitment. What do you do if you really don't like your job? Sometimes an anytime of life crisis can be caused by something medical. I would rule that out first before you take any steps. I have an idea what you are going through and what she is going through. It can seem as if the world is crashing around you both. Please remember she is most likely in real pain and probably isn't sure what is going on herself. Be patient and talk if at all possible. Be honest, truthful and sincere. Everyone here wants only happiness for both of you, whatever that takes. I hope you both find contentment. Please take care. Michael

 

[Bear Catcher]

Owl, That is good advise and yes I for one want want both to be happy.
Jan and I laugh at something I told her at the beginning of our relationship. After she told me what to do, I told her "I don't have to do a damn thing" and that might have stunned her at first. But, when she realized I won't tell her what she is going to do, she understood. I'm considerate and not bossy. I am willing to discuss anything and I'm not always right. We get along quite well.
If we are considerate one of the other, we can sometimes avoid misunderstandings before they happen. I
admit I misunderstand as well as others.
Alt, I hope you both and agree to discuss and try to understand the other.
God bless you both.

 

[Terry]

I can only tell what I did for Cathy. Our marriage was 38 years and we also would argue but I always told her that I could never have more anger towards her than I had love. For the last few years, I gave up my needs/wants totally for whatever she needed. I had to always be at home with her or close by to get home quick if she needed/wanted me. I just couldn't say no. She was the mother of my children, my hearts desire, and my best, closest friend. True, over 5 years of increasingly more needy care was a lot, but she had so much less in her life than I could/can have that I couldn't fault her for wanting me near all the time. Now, she is gone and I can do anything I want to so I think those few years devotion were well worth the years we had together and she was always my greatest supporter and comrade.

 

[One Awesome Inch]

ATB, because every relationship is different, what you hear from us may not be relative to your situation. I have always believed that if both parties want to be with each other they will find a way. If not, no amount of pleading, screaming or threatening is going to change anything. Even counseling is pointless if both parties don't sincerely want to be together. Relationships are just like a job, they require a daily commitment. What do you do if you really don't like your job? Sometimes an anytime of life crisis can be caused by something medical. I would rule that out first before you take any steps. I have an idea what you are going through and what she is going through. It can seem as if the world is crashing around you both. Please remember she is most likely in real pain and probably isn't sure what is going on herself. Be patient and talk if at all possible. Be honest, truthful and sincere. Everyone here wants only happiness for both of you, whatever that takes. I hope you both find contentment. Please take care. Michael

This is an excellent post, Owl.

 

[AltTransBikes]

Yes it is, owls are known for wisdom.

And I appreciate all the replies.

(sorry if this thread is a bit of a downer, posted in a weak moment)

Unity Gain, as you mentioned in your first post, the van I'm currently working on has a definite 'plan B' as a back story.

 

[ice_maiden]

(sorry if this thread is a bit of a downer, posted in a weak moment)

ATB.... Friends are for the down times as well as the good! And yes, Owl is a wise old thing isn't he. Well said Owl!

 

[Stargazer]

ATB,

Absolutely rule out physiological sources, including meds, herbs, diet, lack of exercise, sleep deprivation, hormones.

I would question then if it's a mid-life crisis OR a crisis in the relationship. These are two different issues. We all tend to think it's the other person's fault when perhaps they're responding to something in ourselves.

Ask. Flat out. No beating around the bush. Like this, "Can you tell me what you think is the problem and what ideas do you have to fix this?" Note there is no blame in that question ("what's wrong with you" won't open a dialogue). Then shut up and listen. I suggest this conversation start early in the day, when the sun is shining, fatigue hasn't set in, and hold hands, look at each other. Make eye contact! And think about what you hear. Don't just jump on it with an answer right away. Men and women communicate differently. It took a few years for me to understand that most of our heated discussions were simply misunderstandings. We actually agreed on whatever but were stating it in a way the other didn't clearly understand. And when/if things get heated, call a time out! And ask "Why?" You may be surprised at the answer.

Once, I recorded the conversation (not secretly!), and when we listened to it together later, we both heard our own words differently. That was an eye opener!

Good luck and best wishes.

 

[owl]

Star, excellent advice! ATB, I think we're all learning things here.

 

[Stargazer]

Now that I think about it...it's been a while...recording the conversation...

I was shocked at how I had sounded! I was calm, collected, and so was he. But I sounded angry, accusatory, defensive, all that stuff. It wasn't what I said but how I said it. And when I listened to what he said on the recording, I was also surprised at how I had interpreted what he had said. You can bet conversations after that changed. I listened more closely, was more aware of the tone of my voice, and if there was any doubt in my mind about what he was saying, I would do the "Here's what I hear you saying" thing.

I highly recommend doing this. NOT on the sneak!! Ask your partner if (s)he minds if you record the conversation so you can learn from it. Wait a day or three and listen to it alone, then together. Seriously, you may be surprised.

Best wishes.

 

[Lifemagician]

Seriously, you may be surprised.

I sure was!!

The first time I heard myself speak, just recently, I was more than surprised. It wasn't even a discussion. It was a talk I gave at The Moth. When I got the recording I sounded almost aggresive. Now I know what I need to work on.

Lifey

 

[Patrick46]

Ughhhhhh.....I HATE the sound of my own voice!! (on answering machines and whatnot.)

but I think recording the conversation is a wonderful idea.

My wife and I are planning a 'heavy' pow-wow this weekend, and I think I will record it (YES...with her knowledge.)

we've got alotta stuff to get through, and some of it is gonna be tough...so this'll help us not to keep going over the same thing, again, and again, and again!

 

[mschrief]

Marriage is indeed tough. My husband is 10 years older than me and has no desire to travel, much less in a small trailer. He wants to sit home and watch tv, eat, feed the chickens, etc. I'm young enough to still want adventures and experiences. When I retire in a couple of years (I'm 58), I plan to hit the road by myself if he isn't willing to pull himself away from his exciting life. I figure what goes on on the farm when I'm not there isn't my business, as well as when I'm on the road, isn't his business.

Not going to sit home and become a fossil!

 

[dragonflyinthesky]

Welcome Mschrief. Look up a member butterfly and tell her dragonfly sent you. You have a bit in common.

 

[caseyc]

Coping with my own mid life crises (plural) is already hard enough! I'm not sure if I could cope with that for someone else. By the way, the way I'm coping with my own current midlife crisis is by dating a younger girl. That always makes me feel younger and happier, haha! She is 16 years younger. I don't know if this is a long term solution, and I sure can't recommend this for everyone, but at least it's a pleasant distraction for now.

 

[dragonflyinthesky]

You randy old goat you! I used to date only older men. Now they are all dead.
I mean because I outlived them, get your head out of the gutter.