Women Only: Safety on the road - sexual assault

[ladywendolyn]

I had two men try to force me to get in their semi/trailer when I was traveling with my two small children. I had car trouble and pulled over. I was on a service road next to the highway. 100 degrees out. In the days before cell phones.
I saw them get out of their truck behind me and so I got out and went to meet them. I didn't want them near my kids because I thought they could break a window and grab my kid and then I would have done anything to save my child. I approached them with a can of pepper spray held out in my hand on an offensive position and said "what do you want?" They started trying to talk me into getting in their truck. Told me the nearest town was 100 miles and it was the only way they could help me. I didn't back down. Stayed visible to the highway and assertive. One guy tried to edge in towards me and I stepped forward. Eventually they backed down and left. I sat in my car shaking. Eventually I fixed the car myself. I am always on alert. I carry bear spray. I'm Canadian so no guns. It's only for use on bears, but if you try to assault me I consider you a bear.


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[Cammalu]

Bear or monster!


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[WalkaboutTed]

Well, I'm going to wade right in now. But I'm sure this post will be deleted because it's graphically true. And, I believe that guys either don't believe things like this happen because they wouldn't do things like the following, or, they don't like women taking about these things that are supposed to remain a guilty secret. Because if you talk about it, it puts you at risk for a guy to come after you, because if it's happened before and some other guy got away with it, he might too. Or, you're afraid of revenge. And it's happened to me.

Okay, do let's say that you've never been assaulted. That's wonderful. You are lucky. So you've never been pressured for sex. You've never felt guilty for "not giving it to him". You've never felt that it was easier to spread your legs than to put up with the guilt trip or the "poor me". Wow, you are an amazing woman. You've never been in a manipulative situation where you were pressured physically in any way, shape or form. You never had a guy wolf whistle and speed up your walking to avoid the "Hey Baby, don't walk away! I just want to talk to you, you're beautiful!" Or, maybe you thought it was nice when three or four guys would call out to you from a construction site and say variations of "Oh Honey, take me with you! I'm a nice guy!" You've never felt naked in front of a guy while he's undressing you with his eyes and makes no pretense of not doing it. You've never been in a crowd and had a guy just brush your breast "by accident". You're never had a "nice old guy" that you either barely or don't know ask if you wanted to a) go out with you for "just for a nice dinner", knowing he wants much more, b)"take you for a ride on my Harley" (though I never had a guy want to take me on his rice-rocket), c) have a nice date and then he takes a kiss and holding you tight, he grinds his groin into you without your permission. You've never been in bed with a guy and all of a sudden, he thinks it's okay to have anal sex and you have to fight him off. Or an involuntary blowjob.

Oh, you've never had a guy stalk you. You've never had a guy obsessively call you 10 or more times a day, even when you've made it clear that you're not interested. You've never had a guy who you have only had a short, "nothing" relationship, all of a sudden act as if you belong to him. You've never had a guy just show up at you're workplace bringing you flowers and if you politely accepted them, now all of a sudden, he acts like you're in a relationship with mad passion. You've never been molested as a child. You've never been raped. You've never been warned by your mother to run away from a strange man opening his car door towards you-and knowing she's right because it's happened already several times. You've never watched your little sister being pulled into the lap of the nice old neighbor because he gave her candy and had you and your sisters over to swim in his pool. And you and your older sisters were practiced at taking the candy and staying out of his reach. You've never been discounted at what you are saying, effectively saying that it's okay for the neighbors to have you (at 5 years old) over at their house and when you complained about the husband "squishing" against you, hugging you hard, in their bed.

I could go on and on and things can get much more disgusting. But it was important that I be a cooperative and"good" girl and not complain. And later for me, it was okay because I was very pretty and I should accept that that's the way it should be.

Yeah, but mostly men will tell me that I'm safer "out there" in my van. That's easy to say for them. Likely, I am safer, but nowhere is safe for a woman. And guys just don't get that.

Okay, you men reading this. Has any of this happened to you? (Just a rhetorical question as this is a woman's forum). Unless you've been incarcerated, not likely. Or, if you weren't a victim/survivor of things like above, do you recognize yourself?
Ted

 

[waldenbound]

I haven't been victim of sexual assault, but as a woman Marine in the 80s, I came really close many times. Five years of non-stop sexual harassment, and getting out of sticky situations.

There was an article in Outside magazine about women alone in the outdoors, that there is always a sexual element to it. Men have to fear bears, falling trees, roving bands of scorpions. Women have to fear bears, falling trees, roving bands of scorpions, and the creepy guy a 100 yards away.

It's terribly unfair to think that men can go out without so much to worry about, but when I go out, I have to carry my arsenal of weapons, notify my family, friends, work of where I am and when I am returning, or go with a gang of 12 others.

Well you know what? I'm sick of it. If I'm in the middle of nowhere on some remote BLM land and someone wants to mess with me, the ice axe of doom is coming out!

Here's the link to the Outside article:
https://www.outsideonline.com/2141556/sleeping-alone-woods-while-female

 

[WalkaboutTed]

And this is incredibly telling about how women are supposed to keep quiet: my mild mannered husband, after I read this to him said, "You're not afraid of posting that?"

Women should be afraid. If they're not, they're either naïve, ignorant, stupid or reckless.
Ted

 

[AbuelaLoca]

I'm already wondering what those who read and don't respond think of me after my posts! Damn shame, ain't it?

 

[Cammalu]

Perfect Ted. Your post packs a punch. Wish I could write as effectively as you and I'd like to see that get put on the men only but not for men thread of ballenxj as I think many men could benefit by your words also. I know many come in here to read but I'd still like for them to have a chance to comment. I believe we have many very nice men here but many that are just uninformed and don't realize.

Waldenbound my veteran sister - I so get it. The sexual abuse in the military I saw was crazy. I can only imagine what it much have been like to be a Marine as the Army was rampant with it. I had many, many good men around me in the military but sure saw my share of sexual harassment too.

I did know one female major that used to harass the heck out of young men. It was blatant and she was never called to the carpet for it. I'm sure that happened at times but it was the only time I ever heard of it.


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[XFILE36]

WOW Camilla. You are such a great writer and have written such a true and heartfelt piece here. I have a lot to say, BUT I just saw this thread and need to catch up and read everyone's comments before I give my comment(s), if I decide to. This subject is very near to my heart, as I see it is to yours and many others also. I hope and pray this thread you so bravely started will bring healing and awareness to everyone, both men and women. Awareness to men especially, and healing to women who have, unfortunately been assaulted. Rape and attempted rape is extremely traumatic.

This is such a VERY important subject, and I give immeasurable respect and thanks to you for bringing this up Camilla. I'm not sure when or if I will share in this public forum, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being so brave to discuss this. Right now, I want to read ALL all the comments and then comment myself. Thanks to each and every one who has shared whatever you feel comfortable with. God bless you. P.S. I will comment more later, guaranteed! It's late and I need to catch up...and eat dinner as usual... P. P.S. Sexual assault can happen ANYWHERE, at ANY TIME, to ANYONE, ANY AGE OLD or YOUNG. There are a lot of people that say we are totally safe being on the road, but I beg to differ and so so statistics.

 

[SoulRaven]

Some here are forgetting that this thread isn't about sexual harassment or someone whistling at a female, etc., but about sexual assault/rape which is supposed to have worried me all 62 years of my life or I must be stupid or naive. Yeah, sometimes it isn't just the guys that offend women!

And, no, I have never felt guilty refusing to have sex with someone. Why the heck would I feel guilty for that?

I would like to say SO MUCH MORE, but I will not post anymore after this as I refuse to participate in a "hate" thread, which this has become. I will not participate in a thread that is insulting to me which this has become. I see that as a community, maybe I am in the wrong one if this thread reflects what I could expect when meeting with a group here.

First ranting about men and then moving on to be critical of women like me, NOPE!

 

[Stargazer]

Just Wow.  As I began reading this thread, I thought, "No, I've never been sexually assaulted."  Then as I read WalkaboutTed's post #23, I found myself nodding yes, yes, yes, over and over.  My heart is pounding, breathing faster, feel like I may choke.  Or vomit.  Ted, and others, your comments ... these are our lives I hear recited. Over and over and over.

I, too, need time to process these thoughts.  Thank you (I think) for shining this light on a very dark place.  I'm speechless.

 

[Gardenias]

"... First ranting about men and then moving on to be critical of women ..."

The way I'm seeing it is:

women processing previous (uncomfortable (to put it mildly)) experiences with men,
while raising awareness with (possibly starry-eyed) women that are being presented with a Pollyannaish view of off-the-grid life.

Looking forward to practicing some self-defense with y'all!

 

[Cammalu]

You misstepped Slow and entered the ladies room. We are nekkid ... everyone grab your towels!!!!!

 

[Cammalu]

First ranting about men and then moving on to be critical of women like me, NOPE!

Snow you are certainly naive or have your head in the sand. When you have heard and seen so many of us tell about such horrendous things you want to bully us or deny such things happen? All the time? You have gone thru life unscathed and unaware and you should be very grateful for that because, in a snap, that can change. We are just trying to bring the plight of many to the forefront.
Have a little sympathy for your sisters who haven't been as lucky as you.

We aren't ranting about men in general at all. Only those who choose to be monsters. We all have or have had good men in our lives we wouldn't trade for anything.

Critical of women like you? Not really. We are just hoping for a little empathy.

I can't recall if you said you carry or not but I believe it gives women - and men - a false sense of security. Do we believe the thugs that will do us harm have no weapons available also? What if there are two or three or a gang?

Our most highly trained soldiers will tell you a lot about being ambushed. Both sides may have a weapon but an attacker has the element of surprise. We also gotta sleep sometimes

Peace.

 

[eoewan]

I raised three children (one boy and two girls) to adulthood being ever vigilant with their safety. I did this because I was violated multiple times by various men around my family of origin. I have always been on hyper alert to any nuance around my children. Now the three are grown and I have a small child again. Like before, I am protecting my little man with all my might.

I will be venturing out on the road alone with my little man. All men will be kept at a distance from my child. Do I worry about myself? I don't know. Sometimes I think to myself what else could actually happen that hasn't been done before? I hope you all understand what I mean by that. There is nothing, at this point, that I wouldn't do to protect myself and my child. Does this make me a 'bad' person. NO. That is the mentality that needs to change.

I always practice situational awareness. I am teaching my son to trust his gut. Some people just make you feel icky or they try to be tricky - at 5 this is what he understands.  I have thought about locks on the RV. I'm still trying to figure out what would be the best defense in that regard. I've also thought of not being entirely remote and removed from all others. Make sure more then one person is near for an 'in case' situation.

Lastly, a dog. Not just any dog. A dog for protection. That is my last defense to keep my son and myself safe.

What is most disheartening about all of this is that we, as women, have to take these extra precautionary steps that men don't give a second thought to to protect their person-hood. By this I mean the vary nature of being female and the fact that men try to have power over women. Of course not all men and yet even in slight ways the most mild meek men do to. How many times have you as females been cut off in speech by a man who takes over your 'story'. Man-splaining. It is a thing and it is indirectly another affront to women to 'put' them in their place.

So, if any of you women have an idea for door and window locks, please let me know.

It just seems we, as women, need to be strong, aware, and trusting of our own gut feelings. If it feels off, then it is off. Cheers.

And thank you for this thread and most of all thank you to WalkaboutTed for expressing exactly what being female is like. I'm still drying the tears as you touched my heart.

 

[TrainChaser]

Eoewan: It is said that the two things that criminals try to avoid are dogs and lights.

You're already thinking about the dog. Some people think about dogs that will attack on command, which is usually a bad idea. You send a dog out, the perp shoots, tazes or stabs it, your protection is gone. The value of a dog is in it's sense of smell and hearing, to give warning.

Lights: I've never done it, but I am considering surrounding my rig with solar LED lights. With the lights off inside, you might have a better chance of seeing someone approach, or what is approaching.

 

[Cammalu]

A motion light would be good. I want to see the bear before he tears the door off the hinges...


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[TrainChaser]

SnowGypsy: "First ranting about men and then moving on to be critical of women like me, NOPE!"

WHY? Because of your attitude that because nothing has happened to you, it's because you did such a great job of protecting yourself, and others didn't? That it was their own fault that something happened? Are you perhaps confusing your superior attitude with just plain Dumb Luck?

Well, I hope your good luck continues.

 

[TrainChaser]

I have just reread this thread in case I missed something.

Queen: "... it brings out a loud thread about men being left out ... the very idea of having a thread they aren't permitted to post in, and they cannot allow that. It makes me just not want to post here at all, hell being asked to be left alone in a tiny corner of the internet is a small thing, and yet even that small thing cannot be respected, how are we EVER supposed to expect them to respect us anywhere. *sigh*"

It is caused by the very crux of the whole problem: CONTROL.

Many men seem to think that their sex bestows the Right of Control. TOTAL control: what we should do, what we should think, what we should/shouldn't wear, the decisions we make, the kind of car we should buy, the food we should eat, how we should spend our money, how short/high to cut the lawn, stuff we should get rid of, abortion rights, when we should want sex, why we are or aren't smiling... it goes on forever. Many of them have no idea what they're talking about, but they always have an opinion on what we should do. I was told by one woman -- GET THIS! -- that her boyfriend wanted to control her mentrual cycle!

AbuelaLoca: "I'm already wondering what those who read and don't respond think of me after my posts!"

It. Doesn't. Matter. I’m not responsible for what other think, and neither are you. If they can think. Far too many people are so lacking in brains or sense or decency that catering to their whims and opinions is purely a waste of time.

 

[Cammalu]

Trainchaser I sure respect your post and I think we really need to specify again and again we are not talking about all men or men in general. That really gets hair raised and stomps on feelings.

Thankfully I haven't run into too many super controlling men at all. I like a strong leader in a man but certainly not a bully like what you are referring to. I sorta don't care if a man takes charge and don't really want to take control of anything myself. Suits me fine if I don't have to make a bunch of decisions about everything. I'm seriously laid back.

I also want my women's privileges so I guess it works out well for me. A weaker man is doomed around me. Give me an alpha anyday. Again - not a bully!!!


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[XFILE36]

I will be venturing out on the road alone with my little man. All men will be kept at a distance from my child.

eoewan,  I'm sorry for you, and all of us, who have had to suffer from sexual assault.  Regarding protecting your son from men, there are female sex abusers too, unfortunately.   :-/