Women Only: Need advice from Grandmas/Moms

[SaltySeaWitch]

Hello ladies! I'm new here and so glad there is a place for women on here! I could use some help, advice, or maybe I just need to say it out loud. I don't really know so all comments are welcome and thanks in advance!

Here is the deal....I am a 47 year old single female with 3 grown children and 6 grand children. My house is up for sale so that I can go ft on the road after being a single mom for many years. I am now taking care of one of my grand children full time (for the past 5 years). I am so attached to this lil guy and he is attached to me as well. His dad, my youngest son, is a single dad so they have lived with me my grandson's whole life pretty much (got him at about 6 months old, he is 5 now). My grandson has some health issues and almost died last summer. He is a little miracle by all accounts. He is better now and seeing a wonderful specialist so he is okay but still has some non life threatening health issues that will be long term. His dad has met a nice girl. It is time for me to let go, I know that. I still feel guilty for leaving my grandson though. I am pretty much his mom since his biological mom has not been involved much in his life. My son does pretty good with him but I worry.

Am I a terrible person for leaving my grandson? Has anyone else been in my situation? If so, how did the child or children do without you? I have spent my entire life taking care of everyone except me but I don't want to hurt my grandson by leaving either. I really want and need to do this for myself but I still feel so guilty!

Thanks for listening.

 

[Marie]

What a difficult situation for you! I have no answers, only sympathy! Your grandson is lucky to have you in his life. Whatever decisions you make now do not have to be cast in stone: modifications can be made later if needed.

 

[SaltySeaWitch]

Thanks Marie. I would take him in a heartbeat but I can't even if I stay. I have offered to adopt him but the kids/parents won't let me at this point. He needs his daddy and a chance to have a family with my son's new girlfriend as well. It sure will be hard on both of us though. I sure love him and don't want him to be sad without me. I will be able to visit though at least.

 

[mockturtle]

Although I haven't been in your situation [full time 'parent' of a grandchild], I do have grandchildren who are now grown and who have adapted to several major upheavals in their lives. Children adapt far better than do adults to change. Presumably, you will still see your grandson and I would bet you will be sought as a much-needed and appreciated sitter on occasion! Of course, you will be able to assess the child's well being without prying or letting him think there is any cause for concern. Be as supportive of your son's new family as possible. Letting go is hard but sometimes necessary.

 

[SaltySeaWitch]

Thanks Mockturtle!

One thing we have been talking about (once I have adjusted to the nomadic life) is taking him (grandson) on adventures with Nana from time to time. He wants to go to ancient Egypt of course haha but I am pretty sure I can take him to the Grand Canyon instead and he will be happy with that. Letting go is hard but it is time. He will probably adjust faster than me. I appreciate you taking time to respond. I just had to get my fears out so I can work through them. Baby steps ;-)

 

[my_vantasy]

Hi SaltySeaWitch!

Years ago, I would have said to give him a US map to plot where you are, and mail him picture postcards of all the interesting places you go. I'm sure there is some version of that possible with technology...you could start a blog (maybe just for him) and upload pictures; you could email him and attach pictures. I think keeping in touch often would be good for both of you.

Who knows? He may see someplace he'd rather go than Egypt!

 

[cyndi]

I haven't been in your situation. But I have left my elderly parents and one of my sisters carrying the weight of their care. I can't say I feel guilty because the nuns beat the guilt out of me as a young child. I do hate leaving them.

I tell my sister and parents I am only a phone call away. I'll return in a heart beat.

But, I know that staying in the northeast, in the winter, is not good for me physically, emotionally or mentally. And at no time is it good for me financially.

By example, you're teaching your son and grandson that happiness and dreams are important and worth pursuing. That's a valuable lesson that many people never get.

 

[SaltySeaWitch]

My-Vantasy that is a great idea!! I could get him a map, globe, lots of things and like you said maybe an interactive map with the technology today. Thanks so much!!

Cyndi, you are absolutely correct on all points. I dont know about the Catholic nuns beating the guilt out lol but the rest I relate to!! I suffer from depression here so bad in winter. I have given up all my dreams. Lost myself....The money here is just too bad for words...in short, I have been here out of guilt and destroying myself in the process. It's time to go and I will just have to deal with it and trust my little guy will be okay. I feel so much better. Thank you from my heart.

 

[SaltySeaWitch]

Great blog Cyndi!!!

 

[WriterMs]

Looks like some great advice has been given here. I would add one thought that came to me when I read your opening post: Especially if he feels "abandoned" by his biological mother, you may want to reassure him that you will stay in touch and that you will be back to visit.

Don't promise specific dates you cannot be sure of, but if there are some... like his birthday or Christmas... that you feel sure of, you may want to say something like "We'll talk on the phone every week and I will see you in person on...."

 

[SaltySeaWitch]

Good advice WriterMs. He sees his mom sometimes but he doesn't mind when he doesn't. His mom's mom, which is his MiMi, he is attached to and likes going to visit but his mom not so much. Not sure if that is good or bad actually.

 

[gypsyvioleta]

SaltySeaWitch, how did things turn out with your Grandson? Are you still on the road?

 

[Gardenias]

"...you could start a blog (maybe just for him) ..."

SaltySeaWitch, this is exactly what I'd been planning to do, and I'm no where near as involved with mine as you are with yours!

 

[SoulRaven]

If I recall correctly, Salty Sea Witch had decided to keep a job a little longer to be in a better financial position before hitting the road. She hasn't logged into the website since August 2016.

 

[Monica99]

Hello ladies! I'm new here and so glad there is a place for women on here! I could use some help, advice, or maybe I just need to say it out loud. I don't really know so all comments are welcome and thanks in advance.....

Am I a terrible person for leaving my grandson? Has anyone else been in my situation? If so, how did the child or children do without you? I have spent my entire life taking care of everyone except me but I don't want to hurt my grandson by leaving either. I really want and need to do this for myself but I still feel so guilty! 

Thanks for listening.

Imagine you stayed and didn't follow your dreams and like in 15 or 20 years your grandson finds out about your RV dream you gave up for him and he would go and say (when you're 62 or 67) "oh grandma why didn't you do it, you should have gond and followed your dream! I would have been OK."

 

[TrainChaser]

I was reading one of Judge Judy's books. One of the things she talked about was learning to butt out, regarding when your child gets into a relationship or married, or has kids. It sounds kind of hard, but nothing remains the same. Yes, you can 'be there' for him, but you can't be there all the time. And you shouldn't be there all the time.

It sounds like it's time to move on. Call often. Maybe send some small, inexpensive gifts occasionally. You'll probably have to feel your way through this. When he's a little older, maybe you can cruise back and take him camping for a few days at a time. He would probably LOVE it!

Good luck!

 

[dawnann7]

If I recall correctly, Salty Sea Witch had decided to keep a job a little longer to be in a better financial position before hitting the road.  She hasn't logged into the website since August 2016.

I hope she finds her way back one day. I'd love to know how this story ends.