Vent: Another one feeling discouraged.

[anewbiewannabe]

Thought I'd do a separate thread and not hijack the other one. I was supposed to have 4 days of help this week after it was put off for a couple months.  I understand the legitimate reason why, but I'm already way behind where I need to be because of disability and the inability to do everything for myself or find help so it's frustrating.  I've been going backward for about 3 years now because of my inabilities and lack of help.  I'm lucky I can think at all from all the brick walls I've banged my head into trying to find solutions.

My vehicle is in need of repairs and some regular maintenance items that I can no longer do myself.  I actually need help taking care of myself and my home to a degree but that vehicle is worth too much for me to qualify for aid, even though it's over 12 years old and nothing special.  There are programs in place to help poor people finance a vehicle but not to fix it if it breaks---so helping finance junkers, where's the sense in that?  The money that I had been saving up for the repairs had to be used for a household emergency.

I'm not going to go into my whole story here, suffice to say, I've been officially permanently disabled for multiple reasons for over 10 years but was too late in getting a diagnosis to get disability.  I have good days and bad and can drive well, but not walk well.

Now that I'm in a position to get the medical care that I've needed again I'm discovering that there are more problems and they aren't figuring out the causes in any kind of timely manner.  I really want to go on my long put off adventure for as long as I can as soon as I can.  I have to do it different in some ways than others because of my health.  It's feeling like a subsistence existence in a disabled apartment may end up being what I get stuck in for the rest of my life instead and I'm not old enough to retire for years yet.

I read the thread about the homeless.  It really stinks that a person has to lose everything and be homeless for a year (which I wouldn't survive) in order to be a qualified person for that program, but at least they have a program.  Seems like they don't want a person to ever get up again or there would be programs to help people help themselves before they lost everything.  Well, it makes it impossible for the disabled unless they find some kind of income stream that they can do---I've been looking for legitimate work from home that I can do for over 20 years and have thrown money away on more than few legitimate looking ideas.

Vent over.  Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I won't still feel this way.  Thanks for reading.  Feeling vulnerable so please, if you can't avoid unhelpful comments, don't comment.  I could write a novel on all I've been through trying to help myself with just what I still remember trying, so if it's offered in my area I've already been there and done that.  I even spoke at length with a woman from GoFundMe to be told that it wouldn't benefit me since I don't have a large friends base---I figured as much but I spoke with someone anyhow. I have ideas on how I can get into a van but I have issues that affect the timing on that.  I'm not looking for solutions, unless it's for income for a person who has memory issues that make jobs I could have done before impossible now.

 

[cyndi]

I'm sorry you're feeling discouraged. I hope the new day brings the promise of better things to come.

 

[mockturtle]

As Scarlett O'Hara famously said, 'I'll think about that tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day.' Hope things turn around for you soon but don't feel discouraged when they don't.

 

[Canine]

That's a tough one. Everyone has value that can contribute to society somehow, but that value is often not paired with a suitable job. Now that I'm older I see 50+-year-olds not being employed because they are older even though they are qualified for the job. This isn't exactly your position, but employers have a perception about you and likely focus on your issues rather than looking at you holistically and using what talents you do offer.

Isn't it interesting to see who your friends really are when the going gets tough? I'm not talking about the dumb situations we put ourselves in from time to time- we mostly need to cash those checks ourselves without burdening others. It's the bad stuff that happens to us that is largely beyond our control and we have done everything possible to take care of it, but aren't able to. When we really need help, most will fold like lawn chairs. It is what it is.

Then when you get down, you do less than you should, which compounds the problem even though we know better! It's surprising sometimes how good things sometimes fall in our lap, though. I've missed a few over the years because I was using all my energy trying to keep my head above water that I couldn't see anything around me. Hard not to be a Negative Nellie when your getting your butt handed to you.

Wish I had an specific answer that would make a real difference. If by some faint chance something comes my way that I think will assist you, I will contact you right away. Will be keeping you in mind. It isn't much, but perhaps fate could coalesce into something meaningful. It happens. Good luck to you.

 

[anewbiewannabe]

Thank you all so much for replying. It means a lot. :heart:

Canine, you nailed a lot of it and thank you for keeping me in mind. The job I was best at was Mom and the pay sucked but the benefits were high. I was the friend people turned to---my skills that I could do as a job were mostly expected free or payment never received. I was always the one to help someone out with a temporary loan even if money was tight. Now that I can't do things for other people it's like I'm invisible unless I put on a happy face. I've reached out to my friends for little helps I knew they were capable of and got crickets except for my friend who wasn't able to come help this weekend through no fault of her own. Meanwhile the others help other of our friends.

They "miss" me but expect me to travel to visit them while knowing that my car isn't safe for the journey and that it's rough on me physically. I know everyone's life is busier than mine, but that's because I'm not able to be more active because of health and transportation issues. Traveling and boondocking alone will not be much different than now other than I'll be able to go places and see things and maybe make new like-minded friends---a much better option.

I've reached out for loans both institutional and some private ones that would have helped me and returned a better rate on their investment---with no risk--- than a good mutual fund, still cheaper than what I'm dealing with while allowing me to dig out of a situation not directly of my making that I had no power to forestall.

My life has a lot of negatives in it. Other people have made other choices in similar circumstances, but I choose to keep trying to find answers and to work to make my future better if I can. Sometimes I have to step back and regroup in between. I still have my humor so I know I'm alright. Some days it's just harder to find and today has been one of those.

Thanks again everyone. Just feeling heard can do so much to shore up resolve.

 

[Theadyn]

You sound like you were always there for everyone else... I'm sorry they aren't returning the favor. My heart goes out to you. If wishes could make it happen, I wish a million good things happening for you soon. Hang in there!!

 

[anewbiewannabe]

Thanks Theadyn. Yes, I've been the caretaker all my life. Now that I no longer have family to take care of and know the measure of my friends I'm claiming my life back. Just wish I could have been healthy when it was my turn. Maybe being on the road will help me get as healthy as I can possibly be. That's my hope anyhow.

 

[gypsychic]

Sounds like you have a lot going on. It's understandable to get discouraged and frustrated, especially when your body isn't cooperating with you.

First off, I'm glad you are able to have healthcare now. I'm sorry that things are not clear. That sounds nerve racking. Unfortunately living just to go to doctor's appointments isn't really living.

I remember when I realized that what my body needed and what my soul needed were different. I was lucky enough to find myself living at the beach in so. California during the winter. It was only for a short period of time. Now the winds and storms that blew in were beautiful to me. I awoke to hear the crashing of the waves and walked out to feel the energy of the winds. It was curative for my soul during an emotional time for me. My body was not happy at all. The humidity and barometric pressure changes wrecked havoc on my joints. I ached in places I didn't even know joints existed. I learned a valuable lesson from those few months at the beach. Feeding my soul made life worth living, even as the same environment caused me bodily pain. If I have a choice, I will choose bodily discomfort over soul discomfort.

What does your soul cry out for? Sounds like you want some adventures. I'm not sure where you are but is there a way to live your adventures in a small way in between doctors visits?

What does your van need mechanically? What does it need to be able to camp for a few days in it. Maybe if you list it all out here we can help brainstorm. Sometimes I get tunnel vision and only see one solution where a friend sees many.

I didn't read the homeless thread. Frankly it hits a little to close to home right now. Currently I have to chose between continuing my healthcare or continuing to live in an apartment. Many would make a different choice. My choice is vandwelling. I have an adventurous spirit but I'll admit there's a lot of fear too. But what are you going to do? This forum and this idea pulled me through some tough times when my health was even more compromised. I kept thinking: if I was in a van I could be looking out at some beautiful scenery right now instead of looking at a parking lot.

It's taken a long time, a lot longer than it would have taken if I was more able bodied. I now own a van and have gone camping once in it. My schedule has been moved due to my health but my goal is still in site. Every day I do something towards my goal of getting out to see more beautiful scenery. The idea of sitting in a studio apartment, looking out at a parking lot is soul crushing to me. By your description it sounds like it would be to you also.

How many steps will it take you to get from where you are now to where you want to be? Make tiny baby steps everyday. Find compromises that will work for the in between now and when your finally able to do what you want. Maybe right now it's just day dreaming of where you first want to go. Get a road atlas and plan your route. Get brochures from your first destination. Put them on your fridge or on your wall so that every day you see what your working towards. Maybe tomorrow's baby step is eating a little healthier so you can enjoy your destination or maybe it's doing your PT exercises so once you get where you want to be you can walk a little farther than if you went today.

There's so many obstacles that it can take so much courage just to dream of a different path. I don't know what your path entails but I hope something I said made some sense to you or gave you a different perspective or a glimmer of hope. Feed your soul today and you will be more content with where you are at this present moment.

Sending soothing thoughts your way.

GypsyChic

 

[gypsychic]

I read this book a while back and found it soothing. I thought I'd pass it along.

http://smile.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/086...&dpID=41LUPz0aOeL&ref=plSrch&pi=AC_SY200_QL40

 

[GotSmart]

Venting~~~ I can understand that.

What part of the country are you in? From your local time stamp, I am guessing East.

I am in the midwest, and am willing to help out with labor as I can. While I can. Right now I have another week of forced inactivity. Then aboout a month of frequent tests and appointments.

If anyone needs a hand near Columbia MO. Let me know.

 

[HarmonicaBruce]

Health and money, in that order, are the 2 things that determine how much fun we can have. I think it can be helpful to talk to someone about one's situation. For many of us there are things we can do to improve our health. People with mobility issues who are overweight can help their situation by losing weight, and improving their fitness level. I'm trying not to be insensitive, but me telling you how sorry I am for you and good luck won't help you. Telling you to see if there are steps you could take to improve your health and / or financial situation might help. We have free will, and we are able to decide how we'll look at things. Being angry and discouraged doesn't help, one needs to break out of that thinking, which I'm sure you realize. Thank you for sharing with the forum. Good luck to you. Any advice you need this forum has plenty of people willing to help.

 

[Wabbit]

Like GotSmart, I will be tramping around Iowa this spring, early summer and if it's possible for me, would be more than willing to help with labor tasks. I went into computers when I was younger, and have just started learning automotive stuff, but if there's a google on it and not to technical, I would be able to help with repairs. Shoot me a PM if your close to Iowa, I have to stay close to Iowa for the time being, but hopefully soon the money situation changes and that will open up a larger ranging area. In the mean time, find a mantra and keep your chin up when you can.

 

[gypsychic]

I hope today seems a bit brighter to you.

I reread my post from yesterday and wanted to clarify/apologize. While I was writing my post you answered others with more details so maybe mine seemed way out in left field. Sometimes what I am trying to say and what I say are closely related and other times they can be very far apart.

I hope you found the support you were looking for. Good luck.

 

[anewbiewannabe]

Wow. How to keep this short, but not too short---I don't want to miss anything important but I'm sure I might. If so it is just oversight in the face of so much. (So much for short. I just looked at how long it is! ROFLMAO ---I think next time I do this I'll try to break em out separate. ) Well this probably didn't make any sense since I got an error message saying I had too many images?!?! so I'm having to break it apart to send it.

First, GotSmart and Cry'nBryan,
Thank you so much for your offers. If I weren't a long expensive drive away it would be wonderful to accept such kindness and perhaps be helpful in return---I'm a good cook and have useful things that aren't useful to me. Even though not possible with our different constraints, the offers are greatly appreciated and make my heart feel good. Thank you.

HarmonicaBruce,
Thank you for not being too hard on me. The health and money conundrum is always challenging for people who are short on one or the other---with either one taken care of the other is easier to take care of---when one has neither it's even more challenging, but changes are still possible though less probable. It's sad that access to decent health care and food is what prevents some of the poorest among us from being able to live more fulfilling and productive lives.

If I had the money I know exactly where I'd go to improve my health as much as possible much quicker than I can through what insurance covers---if there's any money when other things are sorted out that's where it will go. Yet nothing will remove some of the restrictions that came with the body I was given nor fix some of the things that came with age and genetics. As for the weight thing which I've seen you mention in other threads---to a point people have control over it but sometimes there are factors out of one's hands that even strong caloric restriction won't help if one is limited by health and genetics on how many calories they can burn. Women of a certain age have a much harder row to hoe to maintain their best weight because our metabolism slows much more and the hormones that help regulate weight are significantly reduced. Not all weight can be controlled by diet and exercise. And no, other than about 10lbs of edema my weight isn't unhealthy.

Actually, compassion and wishes of luck are the things that I can't give myself in a meaningful interpersonal contact way so they do serve a purpose for me, though I can hold my own pity parties when necessary so don't need them from others. I am incredibly resilient and seek out all avenues of improving my life that I can find on every level. I may have discouraged days, but I don't give up, at least not for long. I also learned that I have to acknowledge feeling discouraged sometimes because slapping a happy face over it just means it gets stuffed and affects the body negatively---learned that one a bit late.

Telling me to see if there are steps I could take is unnecessary at this point, but it's always good for one to explore options. Unless it were a way out there idea, it's highly unlikely that I've not already been told about it and/or found out about it on my own and pursued it. I continue to pursue all avenues that could help and I won't stop looking for new avenues. The money stuff is harder to figure out than the health stuff, even if some of the health stuff is just there to deal with, but I won't give up.

Too be continued...

 

[anewbiewannabe]

Gypsychic, thank you. First, as for this:

I reread my post from yesterday and wanted to clarify/apologize. While I was writing my post you answered others with more details so maybe mine seemed way out in left field. Sometimes what I am trying to say and what I say are closely related and other times they can be very far apart.

I hope you found the support you were looking for. Good luck.

No apology necessary. You were in problem solver brainstorming mode, which I'm familiar with in myself. I'm actually surprised that I didn't get more responses in that mode than I did. hehe I can totally relate to to what you mean about posting and most definitely this: Sometimes what I am trying to say and what I say are closely related and other times they can be very far apart.

I didn't and still don't know exactly what I was looking for other than to express myself. The support I received in return was more than I could have expected. :heart:

As for your previous post, GMTA If one can feed one's soul then the physical discomforts are much more tolerable. My soul cries out for freedom and adventure but I've got some dominoes that have to fall first. If I could skip those dominoes without extreme ill effect I would. I'm working toward that to the best of my ability while living someplace with a beautiful view for as long as possible.

The medical is a big one---once I'm to the van point then the medical coverage won't be as good for a few years so I won't be able to pursue it. So, now that I have snap I eat much better though I've always eaten as well as I can and I try to cook enough in advance for the down days where I struggle for the energy to be awake and to feed myself. The MCS we've talked about in another thread is not my biggest hurdle so other than getting things coded and such for that it's not high on my list.

I know those barometric aches well. Rain aches too. I never thought I'd seek out living in the desert but it sounds really good for a winter location now. A series of injuries and limited medical care, on top of what I deal with normally, led me to where I'm working to dig out from health-wise at the moment.

I've got my van notebook with my lists to add to as I think of things and I've got my basic design, subject to change. I've got my lists of things that need to be done so that when I can I get to them. Of course I've got my list of things that have to be done in timely manner like bills. And I've known the route for my maiden voyage for a long, long time. I may not have the rest worked out, but I know where I'm headed first. The book looks interesting so I'll have to see if the library has it. Thanks!

I didn't go look at the article or video with the thread (I think it was video which would be why) but from the things said I got the gist of it. I know about the close to home. That's what got me thinking about my van dream from years ago as an alternative and how I found Bob a while back and this site more recently.

I won't go gently into an apartment to stare at 4 walls forever. I will fight to have more life before that day comes. The other health stuff I've dealt with for a long time but the new stuff is kinda freaking me out, especially without answers on the stuff we've already been tracking for almost a year that is seemingly related and rather incapacitating. The round of medication I'm on right now is kicking my butt.

I've got ideas on how to accomplish some things though they are always subject to change if necessary. Some I've got to figure out work-arounds. For those who might say dump the house---it's more complicated than I care to go into here for all the reasons that is not a good option right now.

Wow! Okay, I'm done. Hopefully I didn't repeat myself too much since I do better with editing on paper and I've been writing during my muddled morning brain. I'm overwhelmed in a positive way today by the responses I've received. It will be such a joy to be able to meet as many of you on the road as I can when I get out there---if I figure a way to sneak out pre-van for the RTR next winter I'm gonna do it!

Today is a better day. Take care!

 

[anewbiewannabe]

It was the smileys!!!!! That was the images I couldn't figure out.

 

[sunnyslife]

As you know, I am in about the same place in my life so I do feel your frustration.

If you are looking for a work at home job instead of an "opportunity" I may be able to help you with that. Before I got to the point of not being able to sit in a desk chair for long I worked for a company called WEST - I was on the ShopNBC line - I took their phone orders and put them into their computer system from my house.

I am going to PM you the web addresses for a few sites that deal with work at home jobs. Yes, you will see some opportunities there but the majority is legitimate jobs - not all computer or phone based either. Just do your research, ask questions, and pray over it - hopefully, you can find something.

I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you.

 

[ttpadilla]

I realize I'm a day late, and a dollar short, but I did want to send some love and encouragement your way. No one can fully understand what anyone else's burdens might be, but man I love this group of goodhearted people. I know that you will persevere until you find solutions, because you are tough. We all need to vent, and to be heard from time to time. We don't necessarily need other people to solve our dilemmas, just to offer a little moral support.

You can, and will, do this.

 

[anewbiewannabe]

Sunnyslife, thank you. I'll be checking out those links to see if there are things that I could do with my medical limitations. Also, I'll get back with you on the other as soon as I can.

Nana4Twins, thank you. Reading about your journey and watching you get underway is really inspiring. I'm so happy for you!

I must thank everyone. It was with great trepidation that I exposed my struggles, but I'm grateful that I did it here. I never expected even a 10th of what I've received in return. I can't put into words how it's made me feel. :heart: I will definitely pay it forward whenever opportunity arises.

It put heart back into my problem-solving to the point where I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the legal/location dominoes that bind me in ways where I may be able to get onto the road much sooner than I have dared to dream rather than just planning for that future when those won't be obstacles.

Much gratitude! :heart:

 

[ttpadilla]

Sunnyslife, thank you. I'll be checking out those links to see if there are things that I could do with my medical limitations.  Also, I'll get back with you on the other as soon as I can.

Nana4Twins, thank you.  Reading about your journey and watching you get underway is really inspiring.  I'm so happy for you!

I must thank everyone.  It was with great trepidation that I exposed my struggles, but I'm grateful that I did it here.  I never expected even a 10th of what I've received in return.  I can't put into words how it's made me feel. :heart:  I will definitely pay it forward whenever opportunity arises.

It put heart back into my problem-solving to the point where I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the legal/location dominoes that bind me in ways where I may be able to get onto the road much sooner than I have dared to dream rather than just planning for that future when those won't be obstacles.

Much gratitude! :heart:

Good for you! :heart: :heart: :heart: