Torn between.... Ver 2.0

[VanKitten]

I want to share the sweetest story.

It has become increasingly clear that we (myself, my Dad, and my Mom) are moving closer by noticeable steps toward hospice and the final days with my Dad.   

This is a great sadness for me.   The tough decisions are left to me.   My Dad has passed the point of dementia where he is not even really there any more.   So, I hold his health care proxy.    My choices now are constantly between qualitiy of life and risks, knowing that each time I choose to make his life easier now the cost of that risk is a foreshortened life. 

When I arrived here to help my Mom, I never realized that it was my Dad in far greater need.

Today Mom told me that it is her desire to join me in an RV and hit the road when my Dad passes.

This is simply the sweetest thing anyone has offered to do for me.    

She knows my deep seated need to be a nomad, and she is offering to sacrifice what is left of her life to see I am not held down one day longer than necessary.    Nomadic life is not really her wish, it is her wish to not cause me any more stress and grief.

The temptation to take her at her word is overwhelming.   Yet, I know with her medical conditions she would not long survive.   She is too old to handle constant change and the uncertainties of life on the road.   The stress would kill her.   

No one has ever expressed their love for me in a deeper or meaningful way than this.

 

[bigsallysmom]

That was quite the offer.
I've tried to get my mom to live with me but she'd have to move 12 hours away. Couldn't get her away from her quilting group short of dynamite.

 

[cyndi]

I would have given my left and right arm to havemy parents join me on the road. Both wanted to. Neither was able to make the leap. Now, neither is able to travel. Before dementia and other health issues they were both world travelers and road trip enthusiasts. They had never done a cross country trip. it was the only thing left on their bucket list.

Besides a great healing and recovery,I think you'll both have a blast creating memories you'll cherish forever.

 

[Almost There]

The temptation to take her at her word is overwhelming.   Yet, I know with her medical conditions she would not long survive.   She is too old to handle constant change and the uncertainties of life on the road.   The stress would kill her.   

I'm a bit concerned here - what stress do you think she would find on the road that would be so harmful.

Unless she's the type of person that doesn't handle ANY change well (I know such a person), the changes of scenery to be found on the road can actually be quite helpful in reducing stress..being out in nature certainly does for most of us. And there are ways to mitigate any 'uncertainties', mostly good planning will take care of that.

If mom wants to hit the road, maybe, just maybe, she's harbored a wish to do so for a long time and has been held back. I suspect you inherited your itchy feet somewhere...

Talk to her some more and maybe do some deep thinking about what type of vehicle it would take for the two of you to be comfortable in and see if you can't make it work for both of you.

 

[anewbiewannabe]

Aww. That is a sweet story.

It's not an easy subject so I hesitate to reply. Please forgive me any pain my comment may cause.

Just a thought from someone who isn't there so can't know all the details. Is it possible that your mom really does desire to travel in an RV with you? Are you sure it's not her wish?

You'll both have lost your father at that time. She will have lost her husband and thoughts about the brevity of life may be on her mind. Perhaps being with you away from the home they shared is something she's given thought to; instead of both of you going through the sadness with the reminders all around. After my grandfather died my grandmother came with us on a summer tour of the US so that is where my thought comes from.

If you were already planning on an RV or have one then it wouldn't be that far out of range to make adjustments so that you could both enjoy being out in nature while processing your grief. It doesn't have to be the kind of travel that would create big stress for her. Maybe talk with her more about it to find out for sure.

Wishing you well during this time of challenges and sadness.

 

[Queen]

Your mom sounds like the best!!

My mom would have given ANYTHING to be on the road with me once she was on dialysis and effectively stuck at home forever. I know she regretted saying no to dad when he wanted to full time, but she decided she was ready far too late, dad was gone and she was too sick. Lesson learned.

 

[ArtW]

I can only speak for myself
I would rather die younger, happy, than older, miserable
I hope to never suffer the indignities of creeping disabilities, ostomy bags, ventilators, etc
I am glad at this point I will have no surviving kin to make these choices based on their own desire to see me have a longer life, with low quality of life
Talk to Mom, tell her straight up not to bullshit you as to her own preferences
You might find that your concern is misplaced
Most of the time when we make health decisions for others, we insert our own desire for them to live longer, without considering their desire to live better
Once my father in law was beyond making his own choices due to dementia, at every turn my mother in law made her decisions based on his comfort, rather than his longevity, despite her own desire not to lose him
She regarded her own desire to prolong him as selfish, and I agree with that, and respect her greatly for that attitude, even while I feel for her loss

 

[VanKitten]

Thank you all for your replies.

I will certainly talk with her more about it.

Before her stroke, she would stress out if we were driving over to Denver..asking where will be sleep?, are you sure the hotel has the reservation?, should I call them again to be sure?, what if they don't have a breakfast there? And on, and on.

Add the medical issues....hole in her heart. AFIB, congestive heart failure. And her inability to speak clearly when she is stressed or excited. The difficultly speaking causes her additional stress. She is constantly asking when she can see the DR again. Are we sure about the level of the meds she is taking.

Don't get me wrong..she is the sweetest lady you will ever meet, she is seriously cool, and she is not a hypochondriac. But, she worries about keeping her health as best she can, and avoiding another stroke is a worry for her (rightfully so). Just doesn't seem to me that all,that really fits with the reality of being a nomad.

I have lived on the road for years. Driving thousands of miles not know where I would sleep that night...(usually my car stealth on a local street till I could sort something out). This will be the first time I have done this with a small RV, not temporary rooms along the way. I won't have all the answers, and it will be inconvenient to deal with a bucket instead of a flushing toilet, etc. none of which disturb me...all of which will probably disturb her.

I plan to take her on road trips. Start with just a weekend away, and work up to longer trips. This very cool lady may just surprise me!

 

[ArtW]

That additional information gives us a better insight into your concernsa and the state of her health, I'd be cautious in that circumstance, too
make sure she understands that 'dwelling, even short term, means sleeping in the RV
That might even lower her stress level
'are you sure we have the reservation?"
"yup, we own the room"

 

[Tussah]

I plan to take her on road trips.   Start with just a weekend away, and work up to longer trips.  This very cool lady may just surprise me!

I think that's a super idea!  My dad and I have been dealing with my mother's decline for the past couple of years.  Now she's in round-the-clock care in assisted living, so all we can do is make sure she is well cared for and visit her often so she knows that we love her.  My dad is 81, but still in excellent health and living on his own so his needs are more emotional than physical, as he makes this transition from married life to single life.

I've come out of this experience feeling strongly that quality of life is far more important than mere longevity.  I'm committed to being there for my parents, and doing all in my power to ensure that they are happy and well, but my dad and I agree that we would far rather "drop" than go through the slow decline that my mother is enduring.  Actually, knowing my mother, I know that she would have preferred that as well.

I will never abandon my parents, so my nomad days are still off in the future.  But I am enjoying building this close relationship with my dad, and I do think we'll be able to take some short trips together.  I want to do all I can to enjoy my parents while I still have them, and I can tell that you feel very much the same way about your dear mother and father.

Best wishes!

 

[cyndi]

That's a grerat plan, Kat

 

[anewbiewannabe]

Kat, sounds like you have a wonderful plan. I'm sure the two of you will find the right balance for your situation.

 

[rvpopeye]

I wish I could talk my mom into going on a road trip........"no way jose"