Torn between two ......

[VanKitten]

My dream for a long time has been to live in an RV.  That would sound strange to any but the tribe here.   Really, you folks are the only ones to understand the dilemma of maybe giving up the dream for family obligations.  And the stress this is causing me.

I have only recently purchased an old, low mileage RV.  Have it gutted, and all the old graphics off it.   Had a mechanic go over it and put $1,000 in parts. (Hoses, belts, distributor, battery, transmission cooler, etc).    I drove it 700 miles to where i am now on the east coast.   It runs very nice and handles nicely too.    

Finally found the new tail lights, have a plan for the dog house/console cover.   

So..   My Mom had a stroke.  I flew out to spend the first couple weeks with her.  She has moved to a rehab hospital.   I flew back with the plan to finish the mechanical stuff and tires while doing the interior rebuild.    About 2-3 months...spaced out mostly because the monthly income.     I would be back to help her when she was discharged.

Today I learned she would be discharge in 2 more weeks.   Weeks, not months

Do I put tires on it...sell my old car, keep the rest of the money for whatever happens on the road and just take off?   No interior, no solar, no nothing.    She will have medicare taking care of her in home needs for 90 days.   I can organize someone to drive for her (groceries, etc)

Do I stay and try to finish the RV and go in 3 months as planned?
I worry about her being lonely, and possibly regressing in her recovery.   She is 90, might not make as good a recovery without someone really vested in her.

Or....do I sell it the way it stands....give up this RV and hit the road in my car now?

Finally...I am not young myself.   I worry that my dream is slipping away...maybe I won't get this good a shot at it again.   

Torn......

What would you do?

 

[Cammalu]

Medicare and home health care is almost nothing. They come out a couple times a week....


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[Almost There]

I know only too well the angst that comes with stuff like this - my Mom turns 90 this coming Friday.

Last fall, only days before I was to leave town for the winter she fell yet again and ended up in the hospital with multiple medical problems, all self induced because she wouldn't/couldn't care for herself properly in her own home and had refused to go in to a nursing home. She ended up in a nursing home because the doctors told her it was the only way she was getting out of the hospital. I have 2 brothers who do minimal stuff for Mom, one of whom thinks I am the bitch from hell because I had the audacity to retire and live my own life which included heading to AZ for the winter.

IIWM, I'd put the tires on the van, sell the car, fix whatever urgent mechanical stuff needs to be done to the van so that it can be safely driven and drive it to Moms' place. You can use it there for shorter getaways (believe me you'll need them, looking after an elderly relative can be extremely stressful), and you can work on it in your spare time and as money permits.

The interior and solar can wait until you need it but you've already put a lot of heart and soul (and money) in to realizing your dream. Lots of new van dwellers start out with no interior. Solar isn't really needed until you're boondocking.

Depending on how bad the stroke was and her health before it happened, your Mom might make a rather full recovery or she might need full time nursing care, more than you can provide and will have to have institutional care. Only time will tell but the first few weeks are the most critical after a stroke.

I fully understand the thought of your dream slipping away with age! I faced the same thing - past the age of retirement, still working because there was no point in retiring to sit at home in between elder care in a winter climate that is only meant for hibernating bears... , my plans for traveling on hold and slipping away. The stress was eating me up. I firmly believe in the airline rules of 'put your own oxygen mask on first, then assist'

I've worked out a somewhat happy medium. I'm here for 6 months doing everything I can for my mother but come November, I'll be keeping in constant contact with her by phone. My one brother is vehemently opposed to my lifestyle but that's his opinion.

 

[VanKitten]

Thank you for your story.

If I go with the RV...it cannot be used to help transport her...she could not get into it. Electronic steps would need to be installed ... Even then it might not work.

The RV cannot be parked at her place. Management rules. Her rent is 2/3 less than the average in that area, so moving is probably not going to work for her.

If I complete the RV...then I can stay in it and work out buying a small cheap car. That would take the 3 months. Her situation might not be stable for that long.

I have no siblings to call upon. Only paid in home help...but I could probably swing something like that for 3 days a week if Medicare picks up the other 2 days. It would slow down the RV by a couple more months to do that. Budget only stretches so far.

I'll try to talk to Mom tomorrow and ask her what she thinks. She is a very sharp lady. Even now, she has a lot on the ball! Nothing effected her intellect. She cannot swallow, and her speech is still a bit shaky....but she is very much there.

 

[WriterMs]

I guess my thoughts fall in line with what Almost There suggested. It seems you have an investment in getting your RV the way you want it. My thought upon reading your initial post was for you to get something as inexpensively as possible to sleep on and throw it in the RV with your necessities. It becomes your traveling hotel room to get you to your mom's...always free places like Walmart parking lots on the way to save you money.

You wrote you could stay in your RV if you completed it... so you must have in mind an RV park or somewhere that you can park your van? I lived for over six months boondocking in my van with only homemade improvements like using a lightweight microwave cart, some plastic drawers, a metal file cabinet and a plywood bed -- you really can live comfortably without most amenities.

Can your RV tow your current car? Just a thought.

I hope you can find a way to hold onto the RV (which means holding on to your dream.. maybe for short trips at first but also for later in life's cycle). I cannot leave my mother for a good while (her mind has slipped far faster than her body), but I keep my van for those short trips and an eventual return to the Rockies.

 

[jaxtonsgram]

Hi. Don't know how large the town is where your mom lives but a lot of communities have public transportation. Ours has small buses with a lift. There may be an agency for the elderly. We have a day care for the elderly. The public transportation picks them up and takes them and they do crafts and games watch movies etc. But it would depend on how healthy she is if she can get out like that.  Area agency on aging is the agency in Michigan but you could do a search locally to where your mom lives. I know people have told me to make sure to take time for myself but that can be challenging. I've found even if I cannot get away it helps to have someone to talk with (ok bitch with) that understands. Feel free to pm me if you need to "talk".  Nora

 

[ArtW]

My ex and her new husband are on Medicare and also home health care, they have Providers 5 days a week,and a nurse once a week Find out what will be provided for her before you make up your mind on this, you might be pleasantly surprised
I can't believe her apartment complex won't allow an RV to be parked there, with no one living in it, that's pretty bad, but that's life I guess, maybe like someone said already an RV park nearby and keep the car for now

 

[rvpopeye]

Kat
I've read your thread here and also the Caregiving thread in the Girl's Room too.

I'm currently off the road to care for my mom who's 92 so I have a good idea what you're going through in your head......Guy's get this job too ladies !

I'd go with plan A.

Keep your dream alive and take care of business with mom.

It sounds like you have done some good preventive maintenance plus with new tires your chances of driving the rig there sound pretty good ,It already made it 700 mi and even if the thing dies on you you'll find a way.

AND don't forget.
The tribe is everywhere ....

 

[VanKitten]

Thank you everyone for your support.

While there is a lot of supporting services for her....the biggest issue is with her failure to swallow. I am amazed they plan to discharge her at all.

Should she forget and try to drink liquids, she will crash and that will be the end. Drinking liquids requires the involuntary movement of the tongue which blocks the windpipe. This function is gone in my Mom.

I do plan to dispute her discharge if this condition has not improved enough to ensure her safety.

I am going to work like crazy to get the RV ready to make the 1800 mile trip west to her. The interior will not have anything done to it. No solar either. I plan to gut it, maybe have time to insulate. But..everything will be put into making it road worthy first. Meanwhile...I am counting on a patchwork of social services to handle the situation for her at home.

Sorting this all out is overwhelming. Sometimes it is hard to see through it to find a reasonable path. Thank you for all your help!

 

[rvpopeye]

I know it's still the same but try thinking of it as 6-- 300 mile trips.

 

[ArtW]

Kat, I cannot believe they're sending her home with no ability to swallow, at very least she should be in a skilled care facility, hell, they won't ley Jeanne go home because she can't get up on her own

 

[VanKitten]

Well, I am finally as peace with this decision.

The stress of needing to get the RV road worthy and getting out to Mom has been driving me crazy. If I didn't have the RV, I would be gone tomorrow. Only thing holding me down is scraping together the money to do all the stuff to ensure I don't get stranded on the way (tires, breaks, etc). I realized that doing all that stuff makes a lot more sense Before I depart rather than somewhere broken down and having to deal with strangers, and hope I don't get ripped off ( it has happened to me before), and constant worry about what is happening with Mom meanwhile.

Anyway. The RV is for sale. I know I will take a loss because of the interior is gutted....but, this way I can just go. My stress level dropped a great deal once I decided to go this way.

I hope to someday have this dream. Someday I will find another, and hit the road.

I'll hang out and read the forums. For now family has to come first.

If there is a dreamer in N. Carolina....look me up. I'll make a great deal...especially for someone in the tribe.

Thank you all!

 

[VanKitten]

 

[VanKitten]

View attachment 8456

Well...I don't seem to be capable of doing an attachment tonight. Too tired I guess

Good night all

 

[poncho62]

Just another thought, but you could put the RV in storage while you take care of matters.

 

[VanKitten]

I thought of that too....but it could be years.   I just went through about $1,000 to try to head off all the issues with it standing around for the last 4-5 years unused...or used very little.   All the bests, hoses, etc...plus new alternator, battery.

I know there is some water damage.   Didn't think too much about it as I was gutting, reframing and starting over.   Plus there was not delam happening.    A few more years isn't going to be kind to it

ART....   I am learning about the system every day.   When the hospital say discharge...they mean only they won't have her.   

This is all the gory details.   It is pretty far off the beaten path for CRVL forum.   

Mom has been improving constantly.   Her speech has improved to the point where most sentences make sense now.   But, now that she can speak well enough to be understood it is become clear her memory is pretty shot.   She cannot swallow.   This is a critical issue.  So long as she cannot swallow she cannot be out of 24/7 nursing care.   She doesn't remember that she cannot swallow.   So, she cannot be allowed access to liquids.  If she gets her hands on a glass of water or cup of coffee...it will be the last thing she ever does.   She would aspirate and it will kill her.     My research has revealed several facts about this condition.   30% die in the first month due to aspiration.  Of the remainder...62% recover this swallow function to near normal levels in 9 months.    Nothing can be done to hurry it along.   The recovery  is spontaneous or not at all.

So...the hospital plans to discharge Mom on July 22.   On July 19 her lawyer (at my direction) will appeal the discharge.   This will probably be denied anyway...but it buys me a couple more weeks.  (You never know...the horse may talk).    Since Medicare will not pay for any in home service if the doctors discharge plan requires more then 8 hours daily nursing service....and right now his order are for 24/7 ... It means she would have to enter a nursing home until in home care is arranged.   Medicaid will not pay for this until she has paid for her own nursing home care to the point of abject poverty.  Which, at $8,000 a month will not take long!    

My goal is to get her out of that care ASAP.    To do that I need to get there, find a new place, move them and arrange 2 shifts (16 hours) of nursing care in home..and take the 3rd shift myself.    (Over night nurse costs are just way too high to afford).  Her long term home care insurance will kick in after 4 weeks.   The in home care policy will pay for the 16 hours a day...but only for 1 year before it is exhausted.   But...I can hope she is in the 62%.     Dad can get along mostly ok....but he cannot walk which requires care as well.   However, the care can be combined for both at that point.   

If after a year she isn't better....all bets are off.  There is no way to plan for a duration lasting years.  She  does not have the millions that would require.   This is the best I can come up with..stretching their money and insurance as far as it will go.   After that, the only thing left is nursing homes and Medicaid.....which is a horrible choice which both of my parents have made clear they would rather be dead.   Medicaid requires them to be in complete poverty BEFORE they can even apply for Medicaid.    The nursing homes that accept Medicaid pay minimum wage, and warehouse people ... Little more.   I have been unfortunate enough to visit in one of them...you wouldn't send your dog there if you could figure out any other choice.

BTW, when my time comes...I plan to do myself in. I don't want to go through this from the other side...and I do not want my kids to suffer through this for my sake. No one asked me to give up my dream..it is just the right thing to do. I won't put my kids in the position of having to make this choice.

 

[WriterMs]

You know what? You are absolutely right to sell, Kat, if it relieves your stress noticeably at all. You have more than enough without the RV question.

Please do still stay in touch here to let us know how you are doing.

 

[rvpopeye]

Glad a decision has been made. Hope it all works out well.

 

[jester]

Best of luck to you in this very difficult time. I've been in a similar situation and know how emotionally difficult it is when your parents aren't doing well.

 

[Cammalu]

Kay, I don't know her situation but is there a chance that her last husband served in the military? She may be eligible for aid and assistance thru the VA. I've been thrashing that one around with my mom I the last few days and it's complicated but possible.


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