'stuck' independence vs relationship

[CarCampire]

This topic seems to effect nearly everyone. I'm gonna eat a can of Westbrae Nfatural Vegaterian Organic Salad Beans, with some salad dressing just to take the edge off the organic part.

Hah! Thank you for breaking the tention.

Yea, the situation is a doozy.
If I took the irrational 'love' that binds me to this man out then this is a no brainer but because I am emotionally invested in another; it's not only my choice- no matter how much I want to believe it is. Each action has a consequence; such is life.

We aren't married yet- I just want to be sure I'll have no regrets at that alter.

Thank you all for your experiances, perspectives and comments.
Will keep you posted.
Happy Boondocking!

 

[akrvbob]

"This isn't difficult at all, you're the woman so you have to give up your happiness for the man. Simple. Everyone knows you can't make it on your own, you must have a man"

The only question is how long will you believe the big lie?
Bob

 

[Matlock]

The tragedy of Sandy opened a door for you emotionally.

You have made a decision and will move on with your life once you accept it.

 

[compassrose]

I don't see kids as the big issue here.

It is a big issue if this is not a relationship that should end in marriage. Once you put kids into the equation it becomes more difficult. I've seen too many people who were forbidden to leave a county because it would cause a hardship on the other parent regarding visitation rights should divorce become a reality. Counseling is what is needed. But this is really none of my business. It's not like I'm supporting this person financially so I have no say in what she should or should not do. I had enough problems getting one of my daughters to see that she needed to get out of a soul draining relationship despite all the "I love you"s they exchanged. My daughters problem was her boyfriend was paying part of her expenses and she simply is not someone who likes to be alone. She's like my grandmother in that respect. My grandmother was never alone. She always had a boyfriend or husband no matter how bad they were.

 

[Theadyn]

Just sending good vibes your way. Definitely not an easy decision either way. Hang in there!

 

[Ella1]

You said: "I feel I scar the relationship by opening up and being my self around him- so I close up to make him happy and when I do we share some happiness but it feels so fake- and when it's real to me it's hurtful to him. So many red flags but my heart holds me in place. I've come to the conclusion I love him more than myself- but I am reminded of all the compromise it took to get to this state of understanding and think 'Well; I've done it this long...'"

To me, that looks like emotional and or mental abuse. He rewards you when you behave as he wants, and punishes you when you don't.
Look up OPERANT CONDITIONING. From
http://psychology.about.com/od/behavioralpsychology/a/introopcond.htm
"...Operant conditioning relies on a fairly simple premise - actions that are followed by reinforcement will be strengthened and more likely to occur again in the future. If you tell a funny story in class and everybody laughs, you will probably be more likely to tell that story again in the future. Conversely, actions that result in punishment or undesirable consequences will be weakened and less likely to occur again in the future. If you tell the same story again in another class but nobody laughs this time, you will be less likely to repeat the story again in the future..."
Seems to me you are the one making all the "compromises"--giving in.
I could be wrong...
Best thoughts going your way, whichever you decide. Remember, doing nothing is also a decision.
AND, you have to live with the consequences of your decision, and HE has to live with the consequences of his. If his is to NOT adjust to your needs/wants/desires, there's consequences for him, too.

 

[jl75]

My heart goes out to you... I know you are in a difficult place. In 2009 I had what most saw, including myself most days, a fairy tale kind of life. I was on my ninth year of marriage to one of the most amazing men I have ever known. I was a full time volunteer at a wildlife sanctuary- my husband made more than enough for me to not need to bring in an income, and we had a gorgeous house full of all sorts of gorgeous things. A heated pool, jacuzzi, trips every year to various locales. But more than that me and my ex were sickeningly affectionate. He still held my hand every place we went, even driving in the car. In nine years we had not had even one fight between us. We talked through any disagreeing views... There was just never any need to argue. I usually felt as if I'd won some kind of lottery on life.

But things were not perfect. We were very co dependant on each other... Especially on my end of it. He drove us everywhere and other than my normal route to work I didn't drive. That inexperience made me nervous to ever drive anywhere new and when I had something like a doctor's appt he would take off work and drive me to it. Once he couldn't take off so he drove me the night before, pointing out landmarks for me so I would have a sense of the way there.

In nine years I never once pumped my own gas. He did it for me, every time.

He also never saw me without make up. Even if we weren't going anywhere, I would hurry into the bathroom and put it on before I let him see me. Point is, barely conscience of it, I was consumed with insecurities

 

[jl75]

Sorry, hit reply on accident... In 2009 we finally had a conversation about how things just weren't optimal for either of us.  We loved each other very much, but we were stagnant.  So, to the surprise of everyone we knew, we split up.  Very amicably, but I had to learn how to function in the world.  Had to learn how to pump gas.  So many things were foreign to me but I was drunk on freedom and independence.

I was living off of alimony- he kept everything and paid me off, and I eventually saw the movie Eat, Pray, Love.  It inspired me to travel so I decided on a whim to take a 48 state read trip.  That was the hardest thing I have ever done and it took 6 months to complete but it changed me thoroughly.  That constant makeup thing became a thing of the past.  When you are washing off your face in a Jack in the Box restroom using their pump soap it just doesn't lend itself to putting on more . I slept in my car numerous times... Having no clue I could do it at Walmart without issue.  But with each obstacle I gained more confidence, more self worth.

I tried to imagine settling down at various places I loved.  First I knew I had to move to San Francisco.  But then it was Seattle.  By the time I was in Yellowstone I knew there could be no equal.  Then Florida was my ultimate.  As it turned out, I wanted to actually live everywhere.

I returned, did some more college classes, tried settling in Dallas, then Corpus Christi, then Austin, eventually Houston.  But staying stationary was killing me.  I longer for the open road.  Finally I decided to take the plunge.  It worries my family that I live out of a van- mini van at that- but they also know I'm miserable alone in shady apartments.

I can't say I regret anything.  I loved my marriage, and I love this life.  But I love who I am more in this life.

I'm not sure if you can take away anything from my experience and apply it to your own.  But it is possible for anyone to do this- if I can, it must be!  If you decide to stay put then I hope the obsession to flee eases for you.  I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Patrick46]

Wonderful story Jl75!!

I'm so in awe of how you saw that even though you had a good life and a (seemingly) happy marriage...something was missing, and you found the strength to make the change and take the plunge! Good for you!!

...and see how much you've grown and learned in the process!! WOW!!

You're my new hero for the week!

 

[jl75]

Oh my goodness thank you lol!  Yeah, it's overwhelming to think of my life before compared to my life now.  Almost seems like two different people.  I'm still learning about myself and my place in the world, and how to survive on so very little money.  And also how to balance maintaining independence with still trusting, and sometimes leaning on others.  It's a big, scary, wonderful process and I am fortunate to be going through it

 

[thatchickinpa]

You are in a tough position. All choices involve some pain.

I do empathize. Compromise has been brought up a lot, and my suggestion is to tread carefully. I am the queen of compromise. Everyone wants different things in life, and compromise can resolve conflict, resulting in a win/win. However, I compromised my way into a life I never wanted (when I had been honest & forthcoming about it) and subsequently feel trapped. Some people view compromise as a weakness to exploit, not as a strength. Often you won't find out which until it's too late.

Any costs of compromise should to be paid by each party at the same time. That means don't do something now on the agreement he will do something later. It is just too easy for one person to go back on promises when their payment/action is delayed to the future.

I understand why several others are concerned with hurting their mate. However, I feel that if my SO prefers to leave, then go. I don't want to hold anyone back or get in their way. I'd much rather be with someone who wants to be with me than live with something between us. Maybe you should discuss with your SO ... perhaps he feels this way as well?

I'm at the point now that if I ever find myself single again, I'm staying that way  

Anyway, I believe deep down in your heart you already know what you need to do. Be true to yourself, else you will regret it later.

As EE Cummings said, "To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

 

[Patrick46]

Well said & Great post!! ^^^