compassrose
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Just out of curiosity, is this guy a widower?
'stuck' independence vs relationship
- Thread starter CarCampire
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Suanne
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Although you've been with Anthony for over 7 years, you've yet to make a life-long commitment leading to marriage, kids and all of the trappings.
My relationship with my partner is similar, except I made the commitment. At the time we married, the 2nd for both of us, I was already a parent of a tween with a budding career as well as a growing desire to live independently in the backcountry. This 2nd marriage provided desired stability for my daughter and a good platform for me to grow my career; but it removed the possibility for me to pursue living in the backcountry. And, I missed it terribly at first, but it faded into the background as my career became more and more demanding. I really did love my job at this point, I was doing something I was passionate about and was good at it.
Finally I landed a position that wasn't a good fit for me. I was unhappy and disliked the work, but the money was good. My husband liked the money and prestige, and pressured me to stick with the job. I stuck with it for too long, but finally figured out how I could retire early. So, that's what I did, with ideas to spend more time with my already-retired husband (medically) and extended family. And, I had some vague ideas about travel and getting back into nature too.
Like your Hurricane Sandy, life threw me some curve balls too. Simultaneously with my retirement, my daughter passed from brain cancer and the economy tanked -- it was 2008. To deal with it all, I turned to nature. I researched a lot online from cheapRVliving and similar sites, and started traveling on the cheap. Going solo in my car in nature was exactly what I needed to grieve and bring joy back into my life.
At first my husband gave me some slack, understanding I needed to recover. But, by 2011 he wasn't so understanding. Like your Anthony, he adores the conventional lifestyle. We spent years discussing, trying to find a way for us to travel together. We even got a Class C that he likes; but, he hates being away for longer than a 2-week vacation. In 2014, I finally gave up.
Now, the compromise is that I spend part of the year traveling and being in nature solo, and the other part of the year living conventionally, retired, with my husband.
I love John. And I put a lot of stock in being committed to him. If I weren't committed to him, I'd full-time. He doesn't like when I'm away. But, I'm glad he has hobbies that keep him busy during that time. This is not an easy compromise, but it's working for us right now. When living the conventional life, I focus on what makes me happy and minimize the drudgery.
I tell my story to provide a different, possible future perspective. When I was your age, I didn't know of this lifestyle. I was an unemployed single parent. Eventually, I was fortunate to find a career I was passionate about, that made me happy ... at least for all but the last few years. So, in retrospect, I'm glad I led a conventional life, to have a child and a career during the first part of my adult life; even though I lost both of them in my 50s.
Now, in this 2nd part of my adult life, I'm glad to have the opportunities to live unconventionally on the road in nature, which makes me happy to the core.
Suanne ... an introvert, married to an extrovert
My relationship with my partner is similar, except I made the commitment. At the time we married, the 2nd for both of us, I was already a parent of a tween with a budding career as well as a growing desire to live independently in the backcountry. This 2nd marriage provided desired stability for my daughter and a good platform for me to grow my career; but it removed the possibility for me to pursue living in the backcountry. And, I missed it terribly at first, but it faded into the background as my career became more and more demanding. I really did love my job at this point, I was doing something I was passionate about and was good at it.
Finally I landed a position that wasn't a good fit for me. I was unhappy and disliked the work, but the money was good. My husband liked the money and prestige, and pressured me to stick with the job. I stuck with it for too long, but finally figured out how I could retire early. So, that's what I did, with ideas to spend more time with my already-retired husband (medically) and extended family. And, I had some vague ideas about travel and getting back into nature too.
Like your Hurricane Sandy, life threw me some curve balls too. Simultaneously with my retirement, my daughter passed from brain cancer and the economy tanked -- it was 2008. To deal with it all, I turned to nature. I researched a lot online from cheapRVliving and similar sites, and started traveling on the cheap. Going solo in my car in nature was exactly what I needed to grieve and bring joy back into my life.
At first my husband gave me some slack, understanding I needed to recover. But, by 2011 he wasn't so understanding. Like your Anthony, he adores the conventional lifestyle. We spent years discussing, trying to find a way for us to travel together. We even got a Class C that he likes; but, he hates being away for longer than a 2-week vacation. In 2014, I finally gave up.
Now, the compromise is that I spend part of the year traveling and being in nature solo, and the other part of the year living conventionally, retired, with my husband.
I love John. And I put a lot of stock in being committed to him. If I weren't committed to him, I'd full-time. He doesn't like when I'm away. But, I'm glad he has hobbies that keep him busy during that time. This is not an easy compromise, but it's working for us right now. When living the conventional life, I focus on what makes me happy and minimize the drudgery.
I tell my story to provide a different, possible future perspective. When I was your age, I didn't know of this lifestyle. I was an unemployed single parent. Eventually, I was fortunate to find a career I was passionate about, that made me happy ... at least for all but the last few years. So, in retrospect, I'm glad I led a conventional life, to have a child and a career during the first part of my adult life; even though I lost both of them in my 50s.
Now, in this 2nd part of my adult life, I'm glad to have the opportunities to live unconventionally on the road in nature, which makes me happy to the core.
Suanne ... an introvert, married to an extrovert
Oopslala
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It seems you have the exact situation I unknowingly grew up watching unravel. My parents were married for 25 years, in what seemed to me, the happiest marriage of any other of the families I knew. Their problem was communication. My mom was like you, wanted to travel. They compromised to downsizing the farm (fathers profession) and going on month long vacations when she retired. 1 year away from retirement, the farm has more than doubled in size and there as no sign of downsizing in the near future. My dad kept spending, and my mom stayed quiet. Both grew up in the old 'traditional' way of life, where this was common. You don't seem to have the problem of communication, it almost seems to me that your lover isn't taking you seriously with what you're wanting to do.
In my opinion, first you need to figure out as close to 100% if this lifestyle is something you definitely would like to try. Maybe not full time, but making it a part of your life.
I think it's clear that you want to make an attempt at the lifestyle, if not full time at least part time. That may be what it takes for you to be happy, and find yourself.
Try to make it clear to him, that you need to do this, and you need to figure out what will make you happy. He may think you're running away from him, but from what I understand, you're in love with him, and you're running from the life of being tied down, not from him.
In my opinion, from what I saw in my parents divorce, you should make it as clear is possible that you're serious about this. It's not just some far out dream, it is real. From what I understand, he really loves you. Sometimes it takes that shock for him to really take you seriously, and to really believe that you're serious.
After seeing my mother ponder the idea of divorce and take a couple years to be 100% sure without saying a word to my dad about it, I strongly suggest that you communicate with him about this is much as you possibly can. If he doesn't understand, try to take a different angle or approach at it.
This is just my two cents from what I've seen happen first hand. I know your relationship isn't a carbon copy of what my parents had, but there are similarities and I'm hoping what I said above will help you find your way with your relationship.
In my opinion, first you need to figure out as close to 100% if this lifestyle is something you definitely would like to try. Maybe not full time, but making it a part of your life.
I think it's clear that you want to make an attempt at the lifestyle, if not full time at least part time. That may be what it takes for you to be happy, and find yourself.
Try to make it clear to him, that you need to do this, and you need to figure out what will make you happy. He may think you're running away from him, but from what I understand, you're in love with him, and you're running from the life of being tied down, not from him.
In my opinion, from what I saw in my parents divorce, you should make it as clear is possible that you're serious about this. It's not just some far out dream, it is real. From what I understand, he really loves you. Sometimes it takes that shock for him to really take you seriously, and to really believe that you're serious.
After seeing my mother ponder the idea of divorce and take a couple years to be 100% sure without saying a word to my dad about it, I strongly suggest that you communicate with him about this is much as you possibly can. If he doesn't understand, try to take a different angle or approach at it.
This is just my two cents from what I've seen happen first hand. I know your relationship isn't a carbon copy of what my parents had, but there are similarities and I'm hoping what I said above will help you find your way with your relationship.
What about taking some time for a tent camping trip by yourself or a meditation retreat if car-camping might push his buttons? It sounds like you need time away to get your head straight.
Like Bob, I see red flags in what you've written. You seem to have significantly less than half the power in your relationship.
It's easy to leave when everything is bad; it's much harder to make a decision when there are pros and cons to both sides. I wish you the best as you find the path the leads to the rest of your life.
Like Bob, I see red flags in what you've written. You seem to have significantly less than half the power in your relationship.
It's easy to leave when everything is bad; it's much harder to make a decision when there are pros and cons to both sides. I wish you the best as you find the path the leads to the rest of your life.
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One very important question you need to ask yourself is:
If you have a daughter, is this what you would want for her? Do you want to model a woman who "settles" for a mediocre, semi-happy life in trade for security?
If you don't love yourself enough to do what's best for you, will you love her enough to do what's best for her?
I think the famous Franklin quote might apply here, "Those who would trade freedom for security, deserve neither." And I'll add almost never get them both both and almost always end up with neither.
HOWEVER!!!!!!
Don't do anything because we are telling you to do it. Until you are firm in your heart that this is the RIGHT thing, stay where you are until you are.
Changing will be a hard road and the worst thing you can do is go into it without KNOWING for sure it's worth the price it will require.
Bob
If you have a daughter, is this what you would want for her? Do you want to model a woman who "settles" for a mediocre, semi-happy life in trade for security?
If you don't love yourself enough to do what's best for you, will you love her enough to do what's best for her?
I think the famous Franklin quote might apply here, "Those who would trade freedom for security, deserve neither." And I'll add almost never get them both both and almost always end up with neither.
HOWEVER!!!!!!
Don't do anything because we are telling you to do it. Until you are firm in your heart that this is the RIGHT thing, stay where you are until you are.
Changing will be a hard road and the worst thing you can do is go into it without KNOWING for sure it's worth the price it will require.
Bob
The grass is always greener on the other side of the road, and if you don't get ran over getting there, once you realize it was all an illusion, you get ran over trying to return to your own side of the road.
Follow your heart first, explore the illusions cautiously.
Follow your heart first, explore the illusions cautiously.
I have just skimmed through this thread. the two of you have been together for a long time. You have come through a traumatic event and survived. I urge you to get involved in family counseling. It could work through the problems and save your relationship or it could convince each that parting is better. But please get some kind of professional counseling. There are many low or no cost programs. I used a group called "Family Counseling Inc". Don't depend on internet advice for so important a decision. My best wishes to you.
CarCampire
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Wow~ this is a lot of good takes on experiences from different perspectives. I'm really grateful for all the replies!
Forgive me if I don't address your post, I'll likely re-read this all a few times in the next few days.
Please know im reading everything though! And thank you!
Have to clarify this;
"... who's going to cook for him, do his laundry or fulfill the civic duties of his female counterpart in my absence?..."
I feel I shouldn't have written this. He's completely capable - but I care for him enough to worry about basic things I feel he would neglect if I up and left.
Again, I know- im defending - just wanted to clarify. I feel this is a small responsibility to endure in lue of the expensive mortgage he's never complained about- doesnt mean I have to like it though.
To any posters concerned; I'm not going to make this decision until I'm completely sure- and I feel I'm pretty open when something bugs me.
My main concern is the time I feel I'm wasting on both our parts being indecisive.
I sometimes wish we could reverse to being basic girlfriend-boyfriend before we shared a living space but that's a step backwards and at that point; it's essentially like telling him 'lets move backwards'.
I also have to be humble in remembering that it was never like that; I was in a terrible situation when we met and he helped me through it. I will always be thankful for that.
I understand that this is a red flag... I've understood it for a long time. There was a time I unloaded, very seriously that I was essentially a different person than what he thought.
Prior to the flood; he was my everything- I was blissful and ignorant; in my youth I believed that in order to survive as a female (forgive me, for I have grown); I would need to latch onto a stronger, more dominant male personality. This was the way I was raised and resented it, so I took jobs in the trades (plumbing mostly, roofing somewhat and misc electrical), majored in construction and when I apprenticed I was again put down by more dominant male personalities. Im not sure if it was simply my co-workers mentality or the fact that being a petite female- my tool wielding abilities were less able on some of the heavy duty jobs but It was like I was slapped in the face with the same mentality that was force fed to me growing up.
I digress; during the flood I realized a lot but one of the things I realized was that in this time of great change, I was feeling better than ever. I was adapting! I was the strong one. While my love wore his depression and stress; I was helping to rebuild - 1st one in, last out and although concerned with his state of being; I felt strong, dominant, and independent.
When we werent doing things to rebuild I was at my job or out and about, and being that he was still with his family; mother who cooked, cleaned and was essentially retired and loved to do such things; I could stay out late after work. I only stayed in the rented place to sleep- and I asked 3 times if I could sleep in my car. The place smelled horrible- I didn't want to be there but he was there and he was worth it so I came back to sleep every night. His expressions said it all - more so than the 'no'. In this time of need; I was the only thing he hadn't lost and he needed me. So I remained...
We finally got a place together; taking his mother in who continued to cook, clean, ect- until her house was rebuild and she moved back out. I didn't resent the chores, not at 1st. Responsibilities are always annoying but they are things that need to be done. I started cooking; though goodness knows I waited as long as I could to start- and my free time out and about after work dwindled down to nothing. I started to miss that freedom. So much so I started researching this alternative life style.
Previously; in my free time; I would take a gym bag with everything I needed for the day in the morning- and essentially come back to the rental house in PJs and even having my teeth brushed.
All hygeen was taken care of at the gym. I would kill time walking around, exploring, staying out and essentially 'home base' back to my vehicle to pick things up or drop them off. Sleep was done in the rental house; sleep and hanging out with my depressed love.
Now that we have a place; there's not a day that goes by that I stop and wonder- 'If I lived in a van, what would I be doing right now?' I've made lists of weekly restocking items I feel I would use. I've done so much reading on electrical systems, basic plumbing, boondocking, where I would do laundry in the area- heck; I've even looked at google maps on vacation for possible boon-docking locations int he future- but here I remains.
I've somewhat accepted living in my loves shadow- but then I wake up every so often from this mundane lifestyle and resent myself for it.
I have come to realize that I love this man so dearly that I have forsook my own happiness because his means so much more to me; that's love.
Unhealthy, maybe- but when he smiles; I smile. When he laughs or I do something that we can share the moment together and remember- I share that same spark of happiness.
I can totally see how this situation can be misinterpreted as a 'sugar daddy' type deal but it's not the case. Yes- it's easier to stay in such a position rather than start something new and crazy such as the lifestyle I dream of; but that isn't what scares me; it's knowing that if I tell him I 'need this'- that's it; the end of 'us'.
I've looked into turning my car into camper- and I know all the ways I could do it; but I don't have his blessing. I could get his resentful consent but it would put another scar in our mending relationship for coming out in the 1st place.
Goodness- If only my heart would give out; then my brain would have the last laugh before I took the easy way out. Ha- forgive the morbidness but it feels like they are at war all the time.
If only I could just shut one off- I might as well call this thread 'ego vs love'.
Suanne and Oopslala- thank you for the stories!
I have a lot more power in the relationship than I used to but he's openly expressed how he misses the old days before the flood...
I feel I scar the relationship by opening up and being my self around him- so I close up to make him happy and when I do we share some happiness but it feels so fake- and when it's real to me it's hurtful to him. So many red flags but my heart holds me in place. I've come to the conclusion I love him more than myself- but I am reminded of all the compromise it took to get to this state of understanding and think 'Well; I've done it this long...'
Counseling sounds like a good idea...
Thank all!
Forgive me if I don't address your post, I'll likely re-read this all a few times in the next few days.
Please know im reading everything though! And thank you!
Have to clarify this;
"... who's going to cook for him, do his laundry or fulfill the civic duties of his female counterpart in my absence?..."
I feel I shouldn't have written this. He's completely capable - but I care for him enough to worry about basic things I feel he would neglect if I up and left.
Again, I know- im defending - just wanted to clarify. I feel this is a small responsibility to endure in lue of the expensive mortgage he's never complained about- doesnt mean I have to like it though.
To any posters concerned; I'm not going to make this decision until I'm completely sure- and I feel I'm pretty open when something bugs me.
My main concern is the time I feel I'm wasting on both our parts being indecisive.
Couldn't have put it better- but just to clarify; it's fear of loosing him, not of change. Not change at all!Off Grid 24/7 said:
I sometimes wish we could reverse to being basic girlfriend-boyfriend before we shared a living space but that's a step backwards and at that point; it's essentially like telling him 'lets move backwards'.
I also have to be humble in remembering that it was never like that; I was in a terrible situation when we met and he helped me through it. I will always be thankful for that.
WriterMs said:
I understand that this is a red flag... I've understood it for a long time. There was a time I unloaded, very seriously that I was essentially a different person than what he thought.
Prior to the flood; he was my everything- I was blissful and ignorant; in my youth I believed that in order to survive as a female (forgive me, for I have grown); I would need to latch onto a stronger, more dominant male personality. This was the way I was raised and resented it, so I took jobs in the trades (plumbing mostly, roofing somewhat and misc electrical), majored in construction and when I apprenticed I was again put down by more dominant male personalities. Im not sure if it was simply my co-workers mentality or the fact that being a petite female- my tool wielding abilities were less able on some of the heavy duty jobs but It was like I was slapped in the face with the same mentality that was force fed to me growing up.
I digress; during the flood I realized a lot but one of the things I realized was that in this time of great change, I was feeling better than ever. I was adapting! I was the strong one. While my love wore his depression and stress; I was helping to rebuild - 1st one in, last out and although concerned with his state of being; I felt strong, dominant, and independent.
When we werent doing things to rebuild I was at my job or out and about, and being that he was still with his family; mother who cooked, cleaned and was essentially retired and loved to do such things; I could stay out late after work. I only stayed in the rented place to sleep- and I asked 3 times if I could sleep in my car. The place smelled horrible- I didn't want to be there but he was there and he was worth it so I came back to sleep every night. His expressions said it all - more so than the 'no'. In this time of need; I was the only thing he hadn't lost and he needed me. So I remained...
We finally got a place together; taking his mother in who continued to cook, clean, ect- until her house was rebuild and she moved back out. I didn't resent the chores, not at 1st. Responsibilities are always annoying but they are things that need to be done. I started cooking; though goodness knows I waited as long as I could to start- and my free time out and about after work dwindled down to nothing. I started to miss that freedom. So much so I started researching this alternative life style.
Previously; in my free time; I would take a gym bag with everything I needed for the day in the morning- and essentially come back to the rental house in PJs and even having my teeth brushed.
All hygeen was taken care of at the gym. I would kill time walking around, exploring, staying out and essentially 'home base' back to my vehicle to pick things up or drop them off. Sleep was done in the rental house; sleep and hanging out with my depressed love.
Now that we have a place; there's not a day that goes by that I stop and wonder- 'If I lived in a van, what would I be doing right now?' I've made lists of weekly restocking items I feel I would use. I've done so much reading on electrical systems, basic plumbing, boondocking, where I would do laundry in the area- heck; I've even looked at google maps on vacation for possible boon-docking locations int he future- but here I remains.
I've somewhat accepted living in my loves shadow- but then I wake up every so often from this mundane lifestyle and resent myself for it.
I have come to realize that I love this man so dearly that I have forsook my own happiness because his means so much more to me; that's love.
Unhealthy, maybe- but when he smiles; I smile. When he laughs or I do something that we can share the moment together and remember- I share that same spark of happiness.
I can totally see how this situation can be misinterpreted as a 'sugar daddy' type deal but it's not the case. Yes- it's easier to stay in such a position rather than start something new and crazy such as the lifestyle I dream of; but that isn't what scares me; it's knowing that if I tell him I 'need this'- that's it; the end of 'us'.
I've looked into turning my car into camper- and I know all the ways I could do it; but I don't have his blessing. I could get his resentful consent but it would put another scar in our mending relationship for coming out in the 1st place.
Goodness- If only my heart would give out; then my brain would have the last laugh before I took the easy way out. Ha- forgive the morbidness but it feels like they are at war all the time.
If only I could just shut one off- I might as well call this thread 'ego vs love'.
No.compassrose said:
Suanne and Oopslala- thank you for the stories!
He already frowns every time I bring up another clever push towards getting a van or even sleeping out in my car. Even in the driveway... even if he doesnt say anything about it; I can feel his stress and sadness...Jana said:
I have a lot more power in the relationship than I used to but he's openly expressed how he misses the old days before the flood...
I feel I scar the relationship by opening up and being my self around him- so I close up to make him happy and when I do we share some happiness but it feels so fake- and when it's real to me it's hurtful to him. So many red flags but my heart holds me in place. I've come to the conclusion I love him more than myself- but I am reminded of all the compromise it took to get to this state of understanding and think 'Well; I've done it this long...'
I like that- made me smile. Thank you.Off Grid 24/7 said:
ccbreder said:
Counseling sounds like a good idea...
Thank all!
FALCON
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I haven't read all of the details here, so forgive any obvious stupid parts of my post..
1 - Of course, people here are likely to encourage your to go try out life on the road. That's what the forum is about. Also, on the internet, relationship advice is tricky because it's difficult to communicate the nuances of the relationship, and often the internet advice is "leave them". You've decided to stay with this guy for 7 years - so there is probably something very strong and good about your relationship. You should test out this "independent" life you want a little bit at a time. Go camp in a ten. Go camp in your car. Get a car that works better for it (a Honda fit is a good example except for off road ability, an SUV or minivan may work better). Go for longer. If you do these tests, you need to make it a point to express your feelings and love for your boyfriend. He's going to be very worried and likely certain that he's seeing you slip away.
2 - If you like the tests, buy a vehicle to outfit. Before you do that, you may want to come to some kind of understanding withe the boyfriend. That could be something like "for the first 6 months, I'll spend at least X% of the time at home and I won't be gone for more than X days straight.".... or, maybe something like "I'm going away for 1-2 months, wait for me for that long" (I think 6 months is far too long to expect him to wait for you - it's not like you're just going away for a semester of college or something and planning with certainty to come back. Be hones here, you're thinking about leaving the guy for this "independence")
3 - It stood out to me that you used the word "independence" so much. Also, given the current situation of your relationship (7 years together, not yet married. Next step would be marriage and kids. You're feeling uncomfortable with those next steps, and basically thinking about bailing). Could it be that the "independent" life out on the road that you want could just be the form that your relationship uncertainty is taking? Are you sure you're not just using that (at least in part) as a way to get out of the relationship? I'm not saying that would be completely bad. For some people, recognizing that might be the impetus they need to make the break and leave (or start on a 'test run').
As a side note, I was once telling my mom about a book I had read and enjoyed a lot. She read the book and then months later told me that it hit home with her very much as well - and told me that she wished she had read the book many years ago as she would've had the courage to make big life changes sooner. She also actually mentioned something from the book that she's included in part of her strategizing on a subject we were discussing (without mentioning the book-- like she's internalized it). Anyways - the book is called "How I won Freedom in an Unfree World" by Harry Browne. (There are some things in the book that can put people off - so if you read it - you need to read it with the perspective that you are looking for parts of the book that make sense to you - and be able to ignore the parts you don't like - the things some people don't like are his Libertarian political talk and some of his views on relationships -- but this part about the relationships doesn't mean you should've read it - the whole book is relevant to your situation - not just the specific relationship part that some dislike)
1 - Of course, people here are likely to encourage your to go try out life on the road. That's what the forum is about. Also, on the internet, relationship advice is tricky because it's difficult to communicate the nuances of the relationship, and often the internet advice is "leave them". You've decided to stay with this guy for 7 years - so there is probably something very strong and good about your relationship. You should test out this "independent" life you want a little bit at a time. Go camp in a ten. Go camp in your car. Get a car that works better for it (a Honda fit is a good example except for off road ability, an SUV or minivan may work better). Go for longer. If you do these tests, you need to make it a point to express your feelings and love for your boyfriend. He's going to be very worried and likely certain that he's seeing you slip away.
2 - If you like the tests, buy a vehicle to outfit. Before you do that, you may want to come to some kind of understanding withe the boyfriend. That could be something like "for the first 6 months, I'll spend at least X% of the time at home and I won't be gone for more than X days straight.".... or, maybe something like "I'm going away for 1-2 months, wait for me for that long" (I think 6 months is far too long to expect him to wait for you - it's not like you're just going away for a semester of college or something and planning with certainty to come back. Be hones here, you're thinking about leaving the guy for this "independence")
3 - It stood out to me that you used the word "independence" so much. Also, given the current situation of your relationship (7 years together, not yet married. Next step would be marriage and kids. You're feeling uncomfortable with those next steps, and basically thinking about bailing). Could it be that the "independent" life out on the road that you want could just be the form that your relationship uncertainty is taking? Are you sure you're not just using that (at least in part) as a way to get out of the relationship? I'm not saying that would be completely bad. For some people, recognizing that might be the impetus they need to make the break and leave (or start on a 'test run').
As a side note, I was once telling my mom about a book I had read and enjoyed a lot. She read the book and then months later told me that it hit home with her very much as well - and told me that she wished she had read the book many years ago as she would've had the courage to make big life changes sooner. She also actually mentioned something from the book that she's included in part of her strategizing on a subject we were discussing (without mentioning the book-- like she's internalized it). Anyways - the book is called "How I won Freedom in an Unfree World" by Harry Browne. (There are some things in the book that can put people off - so if you read it - you need to read it with the perspective that you are looking for parts of the book that make sense to you - and be able to ignore the parts you don't like - the things some people don't like are his Libertarian political talk and some of his views on relationships -- but this part about the relationships doesn't mean you should've read it - the whole book is relevant to your situation - not just the specific relationship part that some dislike)
compassrose
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No matter what, this couple needs to BOTH be in counseling. At the least the woman needs to get counseling (don't let them put you on pills either). There is more to this relationship than the "footloose" aspect. I strongly suggest she get into group counseling at minimum. BEFORE she gets kids.
And I don't like shrinks either, so that tells you what kind of flags I see raised.
And I don't like shrinks either, so that tells you what kind of flags I see raised.
Patrick46
Well-known member
I don't see kids as the big issue here.
She's in the same (basic) situation I'm in.
SHE wants to hit the road and travel while she's young enough to do so...but her fella does not
I want to go traveling now that the kids are grown and gone...but my wife (of 30 years) does NOT.
So, the big question we (both) face is, do we take off and do what we want...because it's our lives, even though the person we love most will be hurt...
...or do we stick it out and settle for just a weekend trip here and there??
I can't go until I finish a 7 year long project, but it's coming to a conclusion (which is amazing)
but once it's finished, I can close my big shop and hit the road if I so desire.
I lose and deaply hurt a woman I dearly love in the process.
These decisions are not easy ones to make.
She's in the same (basic) situation I'm in.
SHE wants to hit the road and travel while she's young enough to do so...but her fella does not
I want to go traveling now that the kids are grown and gone...but my wife (of 30 years) does NOT.
So, the big question we (both) face is, do we take off and do what we want...because it's our lives, even though the person we love most will be hurt...
...or do we stick it out and settle for just a weekend trip here and there??
I can't go until I finish a 7 year long project, but it's coming to a conclusion (which is amazing)
but once it's finished, I can close my big shop and hit the road if I so desire.
I lose and deaply hurt a woman I dearly love in the process.
These decisions are not easy ones to make.
Patrick46
Well-known member
Terry said:
I just deleted a very lengthy explanation to answer your response, and your so-called "Easy" decision,
...but this isn't my thread and and it isn't about my situation.
Sorry for the derail.
This young lady has a tough choice to make.
I send her all the strength I can, so she can make a smart, and well thought-out decision on this matter. It's not going to be easy.
Be Well.
Patrick46
Well-known member
he may have been referring to my post Falcon
WriterMs
Well-known member
Patrick46 said:
Patrick,
I know you do not want to hi-jack someone else's thread, but she may gain new insights from seeing what others are dealing with.
My first reaction to your situation is: Why is your mate not willing to even give "some" travel a try? Would she rather lose you than let you go off for months at a time? Or lose you because she is not willing to give you a few months of her life to "try" the traveling lifestyle? If she's gone on short trips where she did not have time to settle in to the relaxation part of RV travel, can't she give a few longer ones a sincere try?
There is a lot to be said for sticking with commitments, but where is the compromise on the other side (on your wife's side)? Why does it have to be all her way to keep the marriage together?
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Okay, let's NOT hijack this thread. Patrick I appreciate that you saw that so let's just let it drop.
Bob
Bob
I keep thinking about this thread because there are some of these issues in my own life. What I keep coming back to is: If my SO was the one who wanted the freedom to travel and I wanted to stay home, how could I tell him that my happiness was more important than his and that I should get my way all the time and him do without rather than working out a compromise?
wagoneer
Well-known member
This topic seems to effect nearly everyone. I'm gonna eat a can of Westbrae Natural Vegaterian Organic Salad Beans, with some salad dressing just to take the edge off the organic part.
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