OP, you are unhappy. You are taking steps to remedy that. You are getting your spending under control. You are planning for your van life to be comfortable. A hightop will add greatly to that. Get your mind under control and see the future and peace you want. Put everything else on hold and work toward that goal. You will find the strength you need and the freedom you want if you concentrate. You have the ability to do this and one day you will share your experience with others. I, and many others here, stand ready to help and lend support. Whatever you think, you are not alone in this struggle.