Should You Tell Your Family & Friends?

[jeanontheroad]

It often depends on age and circumstances. When we were forced into RV life 25 years ago because of health problems, the family could barely wait to get rid of us. We had been the successful ones, who supplied loans and handouts and holiday dinners and parties, etc. When we had trouble, they were afraid we'd become a burden instead of benefactors. They were full of "you'll do fine, everything happens for the best, when are you leaving?"

Then, we got back on our feet, retired, and are doing the RV thing, again. Son and DIL and grandsons miss us and text almost every day. Friends happy for us and FB regularly.

Family, not so much. MIL in her 90's, angry, feels that we abandoned her, expected us to hang around doing a death watch until she was gone. Two relatives had intended to solve their problems by moving in with us and becoming ours. Now, they can't. One had intended to send his kid to live with us for free while the kid went to college. Now, he can't.

It's a mixed bag.

---

If you are worried about telling people and are fearful about their reaction, it's just possible that you are not mature and responsible enough to do it. You have to look inside yourself and think about why their opinions make you so anxious. Maybe you know they are right. You are not prepared and ready.

 

[Patrick46]

Everybody has their own journey to make in this world & in life. You hafta make your OWN journey, and let the others make their own journeys too.

If someone is having a problem with your journey, tell 'em, too bad, that this is your trip, and that they need to pay attention to their own life and stop worrying about yours!

If they say they want the best for you, thank them, but then tell them that you know what's best for YOU!

 

[LeeRevell]

It often depends on age and circumstances. When we were forced into RV life 25 years ago because of health problems, the family could barely wait to get rid of us. We had been the successful ones, who supplied loans and handouts and holiday dinners and parties, etc. When we had trouble, they were afraid we'd become a burden instead of benefactors. They were full of "you'll do fine, everything happens for the best, when are you leaving?"

Then, we got back on our feet, retired, and are doing the RV thing, again. Son and DIL and grandsons miss us and text almost every day. Friends happy for us and FB regularly.

Family, not so much. MIL in her 90's, angry, feels that we abandoned her, expected us to hang around doing a death watch until she was gone. Two relatives had intended to solve their problems by moving in with us and becoming ours. Now, they can't. One had intended to send his kid to live with us for free while the kid went to college. Now, he can't.

It's a mixed bag.

---

If you are worried about telling people and are fearful about their reaction, it's just possible that you are not mature and responsible enough to do it. You have to look inside yourself and think about why their opinions make you so anxious. Maybe you know they are right. You are not prepared and ready.

---

Sounds like you lucked out and avoided a bad situation.

 

[anm]

...
If you are worried about telling people and are fearful about their reaction, it's just possible that you are not mature and responsible enough to do it. You have to look inside yourself and think about why their opinions make you so anxious. Maybe you know they are right. You are not prepared and ready.

A certain amount of apprehension is normal, at least for a lot of people. Becoming a van dweller is a major step and saying they shouldn't do it because they're concerned about their friend's and family's reactions is unfair. Family is probably worse to deal with than friends, you can't change your family. Families often seem to think they have carte blanche to say or do anything in order to force you around to their way of thinking.

My advice to anyone thinking about doing it is to search inside yourself, be realistic, draw up a budget, plan how you're going to do it, and then if you are still certain, do it.

 

[jeanontheroad]

Yes, Lee, we did dodge a bad situation. We would have gotten back on our feet, regardless. If we had not experienced the bum's rush from the same family members who later decided we were a great means to their ends, we would probably have felt an obligation.

---

Ann, I was not saying that someone should give up his plans because others disapproved. I was saying that if he was an adult and could still feel so intimidated by someone else's disapproval that he would feel that he had to sneak out of town, he probably is not ready for the rigors of the road. Responsible, independent adults may seek their families' advice and counsel, but they don't need their families' permission.

 

[anm]

I'm retired, single, moved back to the US from Scotland a couple of years ago at the behest of one of my sons. He later insisted I move in with him and his wife and son. I did, though I've been regretting it, not that I don't love them, I do, but I always feel that I don't have a life anymore, I have theirs. My other son is recently separated from his wife and was without a car. To me the solution was obvious, he could take my car, pay the remaining payments on it (less than a year), and I seized the opportunity to buy a used van. I never told anyone what I was doing, but I started fixing it up to live in.

For years I had been talking about buying some land, building a tiny cabin on it, and living in it, away from everything, just me and the Chihuahuan desert. But when I got the van, everything fell into place, it was the perfect solution, my home, but not tied to a piece of real estate. Everyone has more or less realized what I'm doing now and they just accept it. When my daughter, who still lives in Scotland, heard I bought a van immediately understood, and her first comments were about living in the van and off the grid. She knew exactly what I was going to do. I wish she was close enough to hug.

Since I was recently from Scotland with just the clothes on my back (figuratively speaking!) and living in one room of my son's house, I don't have an accumulation of possessions like most people, thus making the transition to living in a van a relatively painless experience.

I guess I'm lucky in that I'm still pretty active, I cycle for exercise, 10 miles most days. I do all of my own work on the van, including mechanical work as well as the conversion. Because of this I think my family has just accepted it.

One thing I have noticed about getting older is that sometimes I tend to ramble...

 

[jeanontheroad]

Since we hit South Dakota, we've been talking about that little piece of land, too. But the conversation always comes back to 30 degrees below zero and long winters, and we come to our senses.

 

[anm]

Yes, one other thing I've noticed as I got older was a greater reluctance to be cold. The heat I can deal with as long as it's not humid, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and Nevada are fine. New Mexico or Arizona, I would still like to acquire a piece of land in one or the other, but since getting the van, I can have both! And Texas and Nevada and anywhere else I take a fancy to.

 

[anm]

...
Ann, I was not saying that someone should give up his plans because others disapproved. I was saying that if he was an adult and could still feel so intimidated by someone else's disapproval that he would feel that he had to sneak out of town, he probably is not ready for the rigors of the road. Responsible, independent adults may seek their families' advice and counsel, but they don't need their families' permission.

Yes but dealing with strangers and dealing with family are different. Family will often say and do things that a stranger wouldn't dream of doing or saying. A family has an established hierarchy and each member is expected to conform to his/her little niche. If I say or do something that is out of character (by character I mean the character everyone expects me to play) the rest of the family feel justified in letting me know how I have lapsed, let them down, betrayed them, whatever. Sometimes it is time to let go, let yourself go...

 

[akrvbob]

It's especially bad for older women who are grandmothers. Often their daughters will try to guilt them because they are abandoning their grand-babies. And of course they already feel bad about not seeing them often.

It's not easy for women, they have been programmed all their life to take care of someone else first and foremost. They have to finally take a stand and say, "NO, it's my time to be happy and take care of me!"
Bob

 

[Bela's Mom]

Bob, that is so true about women being programmed to care for others. I have been wanting to live in my van and travel since before I retired, however, I live with my elderly parents and they both have had serious health problems. My mother has been a caretaker all of her life. I love her and want to care for her as Dad can be difficult to handle. On the other hand, I was diagnosed with COPD a couple of years ago and am now starting to feel the shortness of breath when the pollen and pollution are bad.

Yesterday, I told my mother that I wanted to do some traveling before I am tied to an oxygen tank. To my surprise, she said, "I want you to have a life. We were able to travel a lot and it is your turn. We will make arrangements for whatever we need." Of course, I do have other family that can help care for them if needed, although they live in another state. But I was so grateful for her attitude about it.

I am hoping and planning to attend the RTR in 2015. So looking forward to that!

 

[akrvbob]

Bela's mom, I'm so glad things are going to work out for you! I've set the dates of the RTR and they are

January 6-20, 2015

See you then!
Bob

 

[offroad]

Anm - great story and very true. Easy life is to become someone's dependent and hey sucked into staying that way

 

[Phreedom]

<br /><br />I've already started to make the change. Like you, I've had my cable disconnected as well. I don't need that expense. It took some adjustment but I did get used to having no cable.<br /><br />Enjoy,

I'm a "cord cutter" also. I guess without realizing it, I started to change my thinking about the big picture and realized I just didn't need the bulk of the crap I was paying for as those things were just further weighing me down.

I haven't made the big leap yet but I'm planning and dreaming. When I do, I'll probably keep it to myself with the exception of a few close friends. I plan on keeping my job for a while after I take the plunge and, given my position, I already know announcing this to the world would most definitely have a negative impact on my job and my source of income. After I save enough to move on, I'll be in full control of my life and I could care less what people think.

 

[GrantRobertson]

Well, Bob, I guess you are all down at RTR right about now. Sittin' 'round a camp-fire and telling stories. So you might not see this for a bit. Nevertheless, I thought I would pitch in.

The question you asked is whether we "should" tell our "family" and friends. I don't think you necessarily need to tell our biological family. Or even most of the people who may call themselves your friends. However, I do think people owe it to the people who truly care about them to let them know when they are planning a major life change. People who care about you deserve to have some time to adjust to the change before you smack them up side the head with it. And if you care about those people you should-aughta give them that time.

Now, they may not take the news well, or they may not adjust easily. However, that is not your concern. You have done your part, as a caring human, to be considerate of the people who care for you.

I have read a lot of posts in this thread about people who are angry at the members of their family who did not take the news well. Or who said, "Screw them! I shouldn't have told them." I don't know if this is the best attitude to take. They react the way they are because they are who they are. Let them be who they are. Just remember to be who you are too. (OK, I know, who you are may be someone who gets angry when someone disagrees with you. Whatever.)

After you tell them, give them time to accept it. Some may accept it quickly, but others may need to go through the five stages of loss. Let that take however long it takes. You being calm and patient and steadfastly going about your preparations will help them to come to acceptance more quickly. Getting angry with them will only prolong the process or prevent it from completing entirely.

As for me: I have told everyone I care about, rather indirectly, via Google+. I have Asperger's so I have been kind of an isolationist most of my life and I don't directly communicate with most of the people I know. However, I don't think many have paid much attention. I have been moving around so much these last few years and my life has been so upside down, that they probably think it is either more of the same, or they think it is yet another thing I will never actually do. What they may not get is that this is the one thing I HAVE to do if I ever hope to figure out any of the rest of my life.

 

[billybob200138]

I've been telling them this for 40 years. Some wish they could do the same. Others see the trailer and truck and don't believe they will be seeing my tail lights in the distance.&nbsp; <br>Being older than a lot of members means my friends are older. Many of them are just tired like I am and are moving in different directions with their lives. Most don't have a mobile lifestyle concept but they are downsizing and finding retirement homes. My ex and his new wife sold everything last June, bought an older smaller class A and have her toad Smart Car.<br>Sorry SOB was supposed to do that with me. Luckly I have no hard feelings towards him or her little bleach blond head. Just kidding. I absolutly love my ex and his younger beautiful&nbsp;wife.&nbsp; <IMG border=0 align=absMiddle src="https://vanlivingforum.com/images/boards/smilies/biggrin.gif"><br><FONT color=#ff00ff><b>Dragonfly</b></FONT><br>

Know where you go for fibbing? And I got you beat on the age also.    HoboJoe

 

[billybob200138]

Hi Bob, Good question as usual. When I would look at my cell phone and NOBODY had called me for a month and a half. My children lived 7 miles away and never been to my place. I am a loner in the true sense of the word. But I am good company so it's all good. I drug them across )Hawaii,Germany 3 times and half the US. Before I retired from the Army. Maybe it's payback? Ha. Anyway I did tell them. The two sons said "go dad go" and the daughter does not talk to me.If you look up dysfunctional in Webster's there the picture of my family standing there. HoboJoe

 

[gcal]

Two different reactions, two different times. The first time, 25 years ago, we were driven into an RV by health problems which turned into financial problems.  Friends discouraged us because they thought we might still be able to keep a normal life, somehow. Family, who were used to us supplying help and loans and being the stable ones, couldn't wait to get rid of us. They did not want to be on the spot for helping us or repaying long overdue loans. 

This time, after we got back on our feet and became financially stable and useful again, friends are encouraging us to go for it and enjoy our retirement. Family, to whom we now looked like a free bed and breakfast for vacations, a free dorm for college age children who wanted to go to school at USF, and a free elder care facility for various elders who had been drained of resources and now need to be dumped somewhere by those who drained them, are now accusing us of being selfish and irresponsible for selling the house and leaving.

 

[gcal]

Hi Bob, Good question as usual. When I would look at my cell phone and NOBODY had called me for a month and a half. My children lived 7 miles away and never been to my place. I am a loner in the true sense of the word. But I am good company so it's all good. I drug them across )Hawaii,Germany 3 times and half the US. Before I retired from the Army. Maybe it's payback? Ha.   Anyway I did tell them. The two sons said "go dad go" and the daughter does not talk to me.If you look up dysfunctional in Webster's there the picture of my family standing there. HoboJoe

Joe, you see that bunch standing right behind your dysfunctional bunch? That's a good chunk of our family.

 

[Rugster]

USF? My Step Daughter is there now, finishing her Junior year.

I've mentioned my plans to a couple of people, and my immediate family knows. One friend looked at me like I was crazy but he's young and completely sold on the American dream.

I understand their thoughts but I'm going to do it anyway