Seriously, so you want to be in love again...

[_KJ_]

When I stopped worrying about ‘finding’ love and started focusing on what makes me happy
I found that this fantasy of “love” I was dreaming of doesn’t exist and that it’s wrong for me to decide what kind of guy I want then go on a crazed man hunt trying on everyone to make them fit that criteria. It’s closed minded. It’s trying to make everyone you see into YOUR idea of what your perfect spouse would be like to YOU

And now I see it all as a huge collassal waste of time. And energy. 
Now I just want to be me and do my life as i choose it. The people who were supposed to love me are really the only ones that have ever truly betrayed me hurt me and scarred me for life and left me with serious issues/mess to clean up. 
Love is not s good idea, not a good bet. Been there. Done that. Got the Tshirt don’t want another one. 
Personally I avoid ‘love’ all costs. It’s never unconditional and comes with all kinds of expecations and strings. 

Now, friends, aquaintences, co-workers etc. Group/club members etc are wonderful. There and social ettiquites that govern this type of stuff and the relationships usually have healthy boundaries.  I’m all for them !!

 

[travelaround]

KJ, I identified with a lot that you wrote, with the exception that after my last relationship broke up, I stumbled into the arms of Jesus and found out what real love is. So, though I don't believe those men knew how to love me, I do feel loved now, and well taken care of.

 

[Minivanmotoman]

FWIW, many of us who have been, so called unsuccessful in love, blame the process or this intangible emotion called love and give up.
IMHO, it's more about the individuals involved and their character, abilities and temperament.
If one or both were more adept in their love and relationship skills, would better results and long lasting love have ensued?
If each put the other first, would love have gone better?
I've thought lots about this after being unsuccessful with one who I thought was perfect for me, but wasn't reciprocated
Different person gives different results. It's not generic, all encompassing love. And the first place to look and start is with yourself. Could you have done better and or the cause for the lack of success? We can really only change ourselves. I've found that expectations and projections are major factors/ limitations on both sides.
Love is the easy part, maintaining a happy relationship is the challenge.

And I would attribute success to continued love with the following factors; companionship, communication, compromise, compassion, cooperation, and passion.
I asked a friend about this and the way she put it was good CHEAR. Compassion, honesty, empathy, adaptability and reliability. Thought this was very well said.
Love is easy, maintaining it the challenge. And it's different with /for everyone, that's the real challenge imho.
The successful are off the market, are we just the leftovers willing to compromise less, poor skills/character or just unlucky? That's a question...

 

[travelaround]

The successful are off the market, are we just the leftovers willing to compromise less, poor skills/character or just unlucky? That's a question...

I think it could be both. I've noticed (thanks to my last two relationships) that the men I met were people other women rejected, and for good reasons. I ended up having to leave them too. One was legitimately mentally ill it turned out though he tried to hide it from me for a while. The other had a severe personality disorder I couldn't continue living with.

After that, I thought, why bother to try again? If it hasn't worked yet, it is unlikely that it ever will. It is hard to trust again, because they looked good on the outside and started out being really nice people, but once I got emotionally invested, the story changed radically.

There are very few single men my age that would make good partners, I believe. There are occasionally men at church who are widowed that might catch my attention, but I've noticed that widowed men team up with widowed women... or at least, women who have had fewer relationship failures than I have. Either that, or they stay single.

Good thing I'm happy living alone. I get involved in reading, writing, journaling, art, blogging, YouTubeing, travel, and whatever else might catch my attention. I go to a lot of Christian events and find plenty of other things to fill my time. I get lonely maybe once a year for an hour or so. I'm a vegan and most guys are not interested in eating the way I do... and expect me to want to make meat and potatoes kinds of meals, which I don't want to do at all.

If Jesus were to whisper in my ear that I should consider some guy for a close relationship I would probably pay attention to that. Otherwise, I'm pretty happy being on my own and even wonder where I would fit a man into my busy happy life.

 

[Dingfelder]

I think we come into life so blind to everything in it, and can then get steered in almost any direction by almost any influence, that it can be the work of a lifetime to get one's head on straight and keep it there. Inherently capable of and even good at all kinds of things, our time or energy or resolve might run out before we find out.. Maybe we try some steering sometimes rather than just going along for the ride, or maybe the ride just gets good for a while. Hopefully we find some of what we need, instigate and follow through on our fair share of kindness plus a bit extra, and learn to appreciate ourselves and others along the way.

 

[Minivanmotoman]

^^^ well said Ding, sounds like a song or poem.


Are we, too many, focused on...

I need a lover


Music video

??

Maybe it should be a little more...


Give a little bit

Music video

 

[Moxadox]

Well, you know, it can be a lonely life without a lover.



Or,



The Dire Wolfess

 

[ByeBye]

In my world, romantic love is where we learn what in us needs healing; for those we intrust our hearts to are human and are guaranteed to fail us. The pain of those failures, for me, are doorways to healing a piece of my core that I'm might ever gain entry to otherwise due to how much wall I have built up around the hurt, whether real or imagined.

Here's a better presentation from a book I read about 20 yrs ago.

“Can the purpose of a relationship be to trigger our wounds? In a way, yes, because that is how healing happens; darkness must be exposed before it can be transformed. The purpose of an intimate relationship is not that it be a place where we can hide from our weaknesses, but rather where we can safely let them go. It takes strength of character to truly delve into the mystery of an intimate relationship, because it takes the strength to endure a kind of psychic surgery, an emotional and psychological and even spiritual initiation into the higher Self. Only then can we know an enchantment that lasts.”
― Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love: The Mystical Power Of Intimate

In the area of Love, of whichever type one is speaking of, I don't ever go 'seeking' it, any more. My best bet is to 'give it' where I can and that starts with myself. The rest takes care of itself.

But, I'm old and stuff and reserve the right to change my mind about any of this at any time. HA!

 

[travelaround]

In the area of Love . . . My best bet is to 'give it'

Yes! That's what life is about - learning to give love unselfishly.

 

[Minivanmotoman]

Finding love and happiness in the giving...

 

[treezza]

Real love is self-sacrificing. Most people enter into a "love" relationship on selfish terms, and selfishness will destroy the relationship.

 

[John61CT]

If one is selfless, the other selfish, can work out perfectly

 

[travelaround]

That selfless/selfish thing can get old after a while. But I think it is rare to find anyone 100% on either side of that spectrum.

 

[xNateX]

Seriously, so you want to be in love again...
Seriously, so you want to be in love again...
RE: Seriously, so you want to be in love again...

If that's a statement, I can't relate to it. If it's a question, then no.

As I've experienced it, my grandmother's love was beautiful to me. And I have a little nephew aged 5 and a little niece aged 7 whose love is beautiful to me. Everyone else's "love" is different shades of "not beautiful to me." 

But that's not the end of the story, nor even anything but a very small part of it. Because Life... that is worthy of love. And I do. And... somehow, someway, I'm truly happy. It's just not love from people that's the source of it.

Most people build their lives around other people. I've built my life around other beautiful things in life.

 

[RoamerRV428]

love will be what works for 2 people. No one can ever 'define a love relationship' or pretend to understand the dynamics of other's and their situation. You want love you go out and find it but best weed out the users, the crazies, the 'whatevers' out there and find the fit for you. Many jump in even while they think they can live with the 'crap crazy' of others or they want something so bad in their life they 'willingly accept' and then 'pretend' to change another into what they require.

just a crapshoot in life if you walk across the one for you that fits perfect.

Hubby and I. We fit. We have pet peeves that drive each other crazy a bit but never enough to ever warrant leaving each other, fighting at all over them or compromising what we have. I always say if he passes or leaves for any reason, I wouldn't even bother trying to find a replacement, only time that might happen is if I walk across it in passing out there in the big crazy world and it rocks my world. It would have to be a dynamic perfect fit in all the right areas before a real relationship would even start.

love is between 2.
not others.
the truth of it all is if it works for those 2, then it is what love is all about
no one else can comment on it cause they are not included in the intimacy of it all.

want love? go out and look for it and be open to others. Look closely tho No use jumping into crazy baggage that can bring ya down LOL

 

[ByeBye]

Seriously, what love are we talking about???

• “Eros” or Erotic Love. The first kind of love is Eros, which is named after the Greek god of love and fertility. ...
• “Philia” or Affectionate Love. ...
• “Storge” or Familiar Love. ...
• “Ludus” or Playful Love. ...
• “Mania” or Obsessive Love. ...
• “Pragma” or Enduring Love. ...
• “Philautia” or Self Love. ...
• “Agape” or Selfless Love.

 

[John61CT]

love will be what works for 2 people
…
love is between 2

So limiting!

 

[travelaround]

Love is everything.

The most challenging and important lesson in life is to learn to give love to others.

 

[ByeBye]

Imo, most important love is the one we give ourselves. Then we have our cake already made and everything else that may come is Frosting and less demanding...on us and them.

 

[PattySprinter]

Seriously, what love are we talking about???

• “Eros” or Erotic Love. The first kind of love is Eros, which is named after the Greek god of love and fertility. ...
• “Philia” or Affectionate Love. ...
• “Storge” or Familiar Love. ...
• “Ludus” or Playful Love. ...
• “Mania” or Obsessive Love. ...
• “Pragma” or Enduring Love. ...
• “Philautia” or Self Love. ...
• “Agape” or Selfless Love.

Yes! There are soooooo many facets.