Seriously, so you want to be in love again...

[Dingfelder]

At a senior age people have long since have trained their previous partners into accepting their ways of doing things and are not often willing to adapt all over again to doing things differently.

The first sign of inflexibility usually comes within a few days when a person tells me what their bedtime, wakeup time, mealtimes, what foods they like or dislike and their daily schedules for camping activities such as what days they move camp, go shopping, dolaundry etc. Then also tell me what hours of the day I can visit. In other words they tell me how I have to act and when I can do so. I am expected to fit into their routines without compromise. If you are a "my way or the highway" person you should be content to stay on your separate highway as you are not a good candidate for a long term relationship unless you find a helpless, emotionaly dependent, person who is willing to give up all their own needs to meet yours.

I agree with the privacy part, as privacy is unitary and not a committee subject, on the one hand, and also because I strongly believe if someone does not want you around, everyone is vastly hurt by betraying that request/dictum. You would NOT enjoy the outcome of violating someone's privacy and necessary time ... unless you were a dominating control freak maybe ... and you would simply exhaust the person you violated more and more over time until you probably both became a misery to each other. By your own personal choice, I'll add.

The other thing is, I'd agree that moving camp should be mutual.

The other stuff like when to do laundry or go shopping is something trivial any adults should be able to work out themselves over time as they get used to each other.
I
Your basic subject is compromise. People who can't do it should find someone else. But there are also dominance/submission factors. Many people absolutely adore dominating, but far fewer enjoy being force or goaded or chided or insinuated into submission. It all has to be free or you shouldn't be there and shouldn't be trying to bend anyone else to your will, either, IMO. As in the Kris Kristofferson song that Janis sang, "It ain't nothin' baby if it ain't free ..."

 

[maki2]

^^^ideal outcome ^^^
if only everyone behaved like you just posted there would not be such a high breakup and divorce rate.

 

[user 35711]

Sometimes settling for a reasonable facsimile is the best we can do.

Those much wiser and more talented than I have struggled for years trying to figure out what love is through poetry, movies, books, philosophy etc. Through the eons humans have suffered through the depth of despair from love and reached the heights of ecstasy from it. I have heard that it is a word that cannot really be defined in a dictionary because of the vast emotional variation of the human condition and how we each experience it. It's like a snowflake or fingerprint, each of us having our unique relationship to it.

I only know that I have thought that I knew it, had it, was in it and experienced it...and yet? Now I am not so sure. Because maybe not having it now, or having lost it, maybe I didn't really know it in the first place. And this, then, is the great puzzle of love.

 

[user 423]

^....."that's the story of, that's the puzzle of l-o-o-v-e."

 

[eDJ_]

I've come to believe it ebbs & flows with the testosterone or estrogen throughout our lives. That tends to flow through romanticism which gets "projected" on people or situations.

With guys it seems to come earlier perhaps owing to not getting any training early in live like so many girls who have sleep overs where older sisters, aunts, etc discuss boys & dating to prepare them for when their bodies begin to transform to where they will be attractive to boys. Boys are encouraged into sports and learning the skills they will use later in life once married. The result is girls will be way ahead of boys on the matters of what we call "Love". Women's magazines teach & coach women on matters of socializing to where they are more clear minded until their late 30 when their teen age boy hormones begin to kick in. Show me a "Men's magazine such as Field & Streams, Car Craft, or Popular Mechanics, etc that contain any dating advice other than bikini clad models draped over hot rod cars etc. (where I wonder how those models keep a straight face while posing)

For the women/girls they will get to put up with a lot of the guys short comings when they first start to date. Perhaps why they tend to date a few years older. (should tell ya something). When young and lovely (if that fortunate) the world can be theirs with a steady stream of guys moving thru their lives. But as time moves on they will gain experience while their "star" will slowly fade in later 30's. By this time "Love" begins to have new meaning. It's a time when "his mother" becomes the bane of her life not to mention her dreams of finding "Love" and someone to grow old with.

You may notice that many people in advancing years choose to go it alone. I think if is easier for those who married and had kids earlier before divorcing. They still have family members some of whom they can take comfort with. So often "Love" is only glorified romance and fleeting.

I've known people of foreign lands who have told me they were promised at birth. The girls (school days) didn't look forward to it. The guys seemed to accept it better. Of the older widowers they relished flirting and dating. The women seemed to choose to stay single and have their independence. These people were from India and the Middle East.

In the USA I've known so many older folks who looked like couples who were happy "co-habitating" as they had better social security benefits. Some who were married for years divorced but remained together so they could get better benefits.

 

[maki2]

Too much generalizing. Plus it is based on social behaviors of earlier generations when you were growing up. Young people have changed ways of social interaction since you were that age. In addition schools are now teaching with STEM and STEAM programs where boys and girls are no longer on different education career tracks. They know women are just as good at math, science, design, computer skills and also mechanical thinking and work and creating physical structures as men.

 

[user 35711]

I've come to believe it ebbs & flows with the testosterone or estrogen throughout our lives. That tends to flow through romanticism which gets "projected" on people or situations.

With guys it seems to come earlier perhaps owing to not getting any training early in live like so many girls who have sleep overs where older sisters, aunts, etc discuss boys & dating to prepare them for when their bodies begin to transform to where they will be attractive to boys. Boys are encouraged into sports and learning the skills they will use later in life once married. The result is girls will be way ahead of boys on the matters of what we call "Love". Women's magazines teach & coach women on matters of socializing to where they are more clear minded until their late 30 when their teen age boy hormones begin to kick in. Show me a "Men's magazine such as Field & Streams, Car Craft, or Popular Mechanics, etc that contain any dating advice other than bikini clad models draped over hot rod cars etc. (where I wonder how those models keep a straight face while posing)

For the women/girls they will get to put up with a lot of the guys short comings when they first start to date. Perhaps why they tend to date a few years older. (should tell ya something). When young and lovely (if that fortunate) the world can be theirs with a steady stream of guys moving thru their lives. But as time moves on they will gain experience while their "star" will slowly fade in later 30's. By this time "Love" begins to have new meaning. It's a time when "his mother" becomes the bane of her life not to mention her dreams of finding "Love" and someone to grow old with.

You may notice that many people in advancing years choose to go it alone. I think if is easier for those who married and had kids earlier before divorcing. They still have family members some of whom they can take comfort with. So often "Love" is only glorified romance and fleeting.

I've known people of foreign lands who have told me they were promised at birth. The girls (school days) didn't look forward to it. The guys seemed to accept it better. Of the older widowers they relished flirting and dating. The women seemed to choose to stay single and have their independence. These people were from India and the Middle East.

In the USA I've known so many older folks who looked like couples who were happy "co-habitating" as they had better social security benefits. Some who were married for years divorced but remained together so they could get better benefits.

I often wonder if our present day societal constructs come from way, way back in our ancestral history and genetic make-up? What was it like when the first prehistoric humans lived and how did their family structures look? Who did the heavy labor, who did the cooking, how were the children raised etc. While we certainly are advanced enough now to produce a society that can approache a male/female (or any) relationship in a less traditional way, there are still certain aspects of our biology that are present enough that we need to turn to our most important tool, our brain, to insure that every person has the experience on earth and within a relationship (or single) that brings them happiness.

 

[eDJ_]

graycurlsvannin wrote:

I often wonder if our present day societal constructs come from way, way back in our ancestral history and genetic make-up?

Yes, that's why my post speaks in broad generalities about that. It is different in every culture and I don't want to superimpose my opinions over any of it and state it as facts. Look at our present social climate with the pushback and repeals being sought now. Far from me to say this is absolutely how it is or is going to be.

 

[user 35711]

graycurlsvannin wrote:



Yes, that's why my post speaks in broad generalities about that. It is different in every culture and I don't want to superimpose my opinions over any of it and state it as facts. Look at our present social climate with the pushback and repeals being sought now. Far from me to say this is absolutely how it is or is going to be.

 

[MortimerEbinesr]

I've been told that normal is the setting on a clothes washing machine. I am not normal, for 40+ years I didn't now the difference between sex & love, now that I've been single for 20+ years I know what love is, being taught by my 21 pound terrier. Sure, I'd like to find a soul mate, or a one night stand, or something in between. but sissy keeps me grounded, entertained, & teaches me about life on a daily basis.

 

[user 35711]

Oh man, I hear you!! I mistook sex for love more times than I can count. It took many years to get clean of that misconception. And I repeatedly got married thinking that would solve something too...but each divorce showed me different. My pets, dogs and cats, helped me learn about unconditional love and loyalty. And I have been working on my self love and know that no one will love me well until I feel that way about myself.

 

[maki2]

My criteria is are they a pleasant and mentally health person who enjoys pleasant conversations on topics of mutual interest. It usually falls apart on the mutual interest part.

When younger that is where a mutual interest in sex spans the gap of not being mutually interested in the conversational topics.

“love in the ruins” is going to be a whole lot harder to find especially if there is not a big screen TV, unlimited data plan for streaming and at least one good cook to fill in the conversational gaps. A couch or bed big enough for two helps as well.

So far I have in my nomadic travels not found the Mr. Almost Just Right so will just continue with being happily single which is itself a very good way to live.

 

[user 35711]

Sounds about right sister!!

 

[user 423]

I repeatedly got married thinking that would solve something too...but each divorce showed me different. My pets, dogs and cats, helped me learn about unconditional love and loyalty.

Reminds me of the arguments (and court cases) that you hear of when there is bitter disagreement on who gets to keep the pet.

 

[maki2]

Of course there are some pets that one is very happy to send with the ex. But most of the time pets are pretty loveable.

I am lucky in that I do not hate or even dislike either of my ex husbands. We just were not the right combination for co-habitation over time.

 

[user 35711]

Of course there are some pets that one is very happy to send with the ex. But most of the time pets are pretty loveable.

Usually I took the pets as I was most often the more avid pet lover. But in some circumstances, I would be moving off, if only temporarily, to a no pet lease, an the ex would get temporary custody. In one case, my ex had a wonderful cat for about a year. When I went to reclaim him, I called to him outside by name, but when I said this particular phrase (bug bug) that we used when playing with a special toy for him, he came screaming out of the grass to me. And so we were reunited and he lived to be 20! My relationship with him was longer than with any husbands. Haha. My other ex, kept some cats temporarily and they did not fair as well under his care. But luckily our kids did!

 

[BelgianPup]

I've read that the U.S. has a 50% divorce rate. IMO, probably at least 50% of the ones still married SHOULD be divorced.

 

[user 35711]

 

[user 423]

And isn't it great that when we're older we realize there's a need to choose more carefully but for most of us we can't afford to be too choosy.

 

[user 35711]

Haha. The never ending dilemma of senior love....