GIRL'S ROOM: Women as caregivers

[jaxtonsgram]

Hi. This may sound weird but my whole life has been spent as a caregiver. It has sort of defined who I am. I worry about not having that role once I hit the road. I know there will be ways i can help others but, although I look forward  to the freedom, I'm wondering if I'll be sort of  lost for a while. I guess I'm wondering if I'll have a purpose once I hit the road.  I'm probably worried about  nothing? Nora

 

[SoulRaven]

Nora: I've been caring for my son with Down syndrome almost 24/7 for the last 30 years, even homeschooling. We tried programs that didn't work and now found one that does, a day program. He is lined up to enter residential so will leave the house, maybe if this doesn't fall through. Knowing this was coming, I have been trying to return to who I am, the person who had dreams and desires that were buried by having to put my son first.

I'll be 62 years old this summer and it is my turn. I'll have limited retirement but have no debt and some savings. I hope to volunteer at public lands for a campsite, at least part of the year and most likely boondock the rest of the time.

There will be a transition period but have some plans/goals. While caring for my son may have defined me in the eyes of others, it never really defined me in my own mind. When I worked it never defined who I was but was what I did to get money, what was necessary.

Everyone is sort of lost for awhile as they adjust to a new lifestyle, that is part of the fun of it.

Cathy

 

[Almost There]

Hi. This may sound weird but my whole life has been spent as a caregiver. It has sort of defined who I am. I worry about not having that role once I hit the road. I know there will be ways i can help others but, although I look forward  to the freedom, I'm wondering if I'll be sort of  lost for a while. I guess I'm wondering if I'll have a purpose once I hit the road.  I'm probably worried about  nothing? Nora

One very valid purpose could be to look after yourself, perhaps for the first time in years!! You might find yourself a little lost at first but after the initial shock wears off you'll probably find yourself asking yourself where you ever found the time to do what you did.

Take long walks, go sightseeing, learn to sit for more than 15 minutes actually doing nothing more than watching nature, learn a new hobby.

Actually you'll probably have no shortage of friends who need some looking after, one way or another. I have to restrain myself at times so as to not help too much... I've learned to use the phrase 'Yes, Mom' aimed at myself when I get to being overly 'useful'...  

If, after 6 months or so on the road, you find you absolutely have to have something more to do (not likely but it can happen), then, if nothing else, you can find some volunteer work to do!

 

[jaxtonsgram]

Thanks. As the years of waiting and looking forward to this lifestyle are shortening i worry about more and more things. I know some anxiety  with any change is normal so I just need not to dwell on things too much. Yes. I definitely am interested in volunteering or even working some. I haven't had a job in 23 years. But I am a natural worrier. Again thanks for the support. Am really anxious to meet other women on the road.  Nora

 

[cherterr]

Okay.. not tryin' to get all religious here, but as one who studied her buns off at one time and actually read the ENTIRE Bible, THIS is the part I would keep if all the rest were gone, and of course it immediately popped into my head when I read OP post:

MATTHEW 6...
25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?

26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

27Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life ?

28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.

 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?

31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.

 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

 AND TO THAT I would add the good old quote from Shawshank Redemption:
   "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'"!

You'll be FINE.  Just start studying on this site and prepping for your new life! 

 

[jaxtonsgram]

34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

 AND TO THAT I would add the good old quote from Shawshank Redemption:
   "Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'"!

You'll be FINE.  Just start studying on this site and prepping for your new life! 

 

[jaxtonsgram]

Sorry. I messed on previous post. Thanks cherterr.  You don't know how much I needed that this am. Nora

 

[lambchopxoxo]

I'm excited for you Nora! It seems like an era of redefinition for you, and while there may be some tough moments, when you get through those you'll grow and change so much as a person. Kinda like a flower blooming? I dont know if theres a better analogy, but it seems fitting here. I think you'll do great!

 

[Bast]

I've been a caregiver since I was 9 and my father had a stroke. My mother was mentally challenged. My whole life has been as a caregiver to a series of people, mostly relatives. I even picked a partner who needed care. I am currently taking care of my handicapped sister. I do not know what is going to happen when I go on the road I don't know if my sister is coming with me or not. I do know that this is something I have to do for myself. Bast

 

[TrainChaser]

Caregivers need to care for themselves, too. Every change requires readjustment, and this one will, too. But you can do it! You learned what you needed to learn for the things you did in the past, and you can learn new ones for your own personal future. If it seems scary, just do a little at a time and then come home. And a little longer the next time... and the next. You've done everything else that you needed to do; you can do THIS for yourself, too. Just take the first step, and the others will follow.

 

[RandaOnTheRoad]

Hi Nora. I'm a caregiver too. Try care.com. I get odd jobs from that site, it's perfect for traveling.

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[VanKitten]

Just as I was finally putting together an RV and getting close to hitting the road.....I am called again to be the caregiver.

My dad is disabled and was cared for by my Mom (both in their 90s).  But, Mom has had a stroke.   

I am rearranging my life to drop everything and get across country to be caregiver again.  

This seems to be the fate of the women in families.   First their children, then their parents.  

I am still young enough to have time for my own dream.   Even though I will be caregiver to my parents...I will keep working on my RV and doing the rebuild a bit more slowly than planned.    I am just working now to be certain it is road worthy to make the near 2000 mile trip.   Worry about gutting and rebuilding the interior later.

 

[Cammalu]

Roaming Kat, seems like it a never ending battle doesn't it? It's crazy nuts for me right now also. I'm healing from a femur with multiple fractures and then keep falling so I broke my back also. My sister who lives with my mother is dealing with chemo and sleeping about 20 hours a day. Then my mother fell and broke a foot so is in bed. That leaves only me who scoots around on a Dr stool on wheels to care for my mom. I do have an 11 year old niece helping. How the hell does this crap happen all at once? I'm never getting outta here!


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[TrainChaser]

Maybe contacting Visting Nurses could help you out.

 

[jaxtonsgram]

Dont know how other states do this, but I have just learned that in Michigan I can apply through dept of health and human services and get money for chore sèrvices. I can either be paid to do it or they can give me a provider.
How much is dependent on needs of client. This does not cover nursing care but to do things like laundry cooking and cleaning. I figured I wold be provider and use money for paying my own providers. Wish I had known this before as I cared for my disabled cousin for 10 years. Would have been a great help.  Why don't agencies tell you things like this is available?  I have always learned more from other caregivers than from the agencies. It's almost like they feel it is their money they are using. Nora

 

[VanKitten]

The programs here in Colorado all require the senior to be Medicaid eligible. Meaning, dirt poor. For those with some savings and income...nada. My folks do not have enough income to pay the $500+ per day for the care would cost in their home. (Who does???).

I have not figured this out yet. But it looks like this is where I will be till the end...whatever that turns out to be.

 

[Cammalu]

VanKitten, did you try the VA? Was your father a vet?


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[TrainChaser]

VanKitten, are you the only child, or the only child who will actually do something?

If you've got sibling, INSIST that they help in some way. Around here, I am hearing about waaaaaay too many people being stuck with the total care of their parents. The others don't do it because they're too lazy and self-serving. They won't help while the parents are alive, but they're on the doorstep with their hands out when they die.

If there are others and you insist that they help, you might be able to get away every so often and decompress. If you go down, who's going to help you?

No more Ms. Nice Girl!

 

[Almost There]

VanKitten, are you the only child, or the only child who will actually do something?

If you've got sibling, INSIST that they help in some way.  Around here, I am hearing about waaaaaay too many people being stuck with the total care of their parents.  The others don't do it because they're too lazy and self-serving.  They won't help while the parents are alive, but they're on the doorstep with their hands out when they die.  

If there are others and you insist that they help, you might be able to get away every so often and decompress.  If you go down, who's going to help you?

No more Ms. Nice Girl!

If insisting that siblings are going to help would work, most of us would be VERY insistent...

Insisting only works if you have some hold over them like a baseball bat and then it's often more stressful to try to get them to do something than it is to just do it yourself.

As to no more Ms Nice Girl...hell I'm already known as the bitch because I insisted on a care management plan last November when I was leaving town. It had been obvious to me for years that mom needed institutional care and it was the only way to make sure that she got it. So then I was the bad giril who landed my mom in a nursing home. She's happy there, well cared for and kept clean, warm and dry!!

I have two brothers who both live within 20 minutes drive of my mothers' nursing home. One is retired, the other runs his own business so he sets his own hours. I, on the other hand, live 2 hours drive away and am living on a fixed income that's adequate but not liberal.

Guess who visits mom the most often and stays the longest. Ha, if you guessed one of them, you'd be wrong!!

Mom requires rather frequent stays in hospital due to a recurrent infection. Someone needs to be there because Mom can't push even the call button by herself let alone feed herself etc. At the nursing home the staff check on her regularly to see if she needs something, not a chance in the local hospital (don't get me started on that one).

Last hospital stay I  needed a day off to run some important errands so I asked the retired brother for either himself or his wife to come in and relieve me for the day. Ummmm, no can do - he was playing golf that day and he'd have the car so wifey couldn't come in either.....

Insisting only works with young children that you have control over.

 

[VanKitten]

Almost there.....amen!