Do it or lose it!

[Starr]

So I have been ready to hit the road for some time now. If I don't I know I will surely lose it!! All my kids are now grown (well let's just say they are over 18 lol) My youngest is special needs and a handful, a very violent and abusive handful, but I love her none the less. I suppose it is her mental illnesses fault to a degree and I'm sure me doing everything to keep her safe her entire life hasn't helped (spoiled or just used to telling me what to do and when and being violent when I did not, not sure). Well recently (after turning 18) my daughter was told that she can do whatever she wants and no one can stop her (by an ombudsman for special needs who thought she was doing the right thing). I am all for special needs people having freedom and independence, but not when it puts them in danger. People have fought so hard to change the way people with special needs were and are treated especially since most used to be institutionalized, that it has gone to the extreme the other way. Now that institutions are closed down and people with schizophrenia, intellectual disabilities and other types of mental illnesses are told they can go and do what they want, most end up in very bad situations and on the streets. I have dealt with her violence and given her every type of help out there since she was little. I have had my nose broke, been bitten, clawed, house torn up, things broken, called to the school several days a week, dealt with police and on and on. Everyone I know that knows her including grandparents and mental health workers have told me that I couldn't continue to keep her in my home because she would kill me. Well I'm still here. Well she met some homeless people through a friend and has decided that this is the life she wants. Her boyfriend is one of them and they choose to be homeless and in a tent. They have family they can go to but prefer the freedom and flying signs. I keep taking her money, food and clothes because I am scared for her. Well come to find out they make more then me and eat way better. Everyone is telling me to stop running every time she asks and I know I need to. I lost my job when she first left because I could not handle the stress of my job and the stress of trying to get her home and days missed looking for her. Oh and my job was working with special needs adults lol I am ready to take my life back, I need to take my life back. I don't even remember "me". I want to trade my car in on a van and just leave and clear my head and enjoy what life is left. I just want to do what makes me happy for once! I will be broke and have to work along the way, but at this point I truly believe this is what I need. I apologize for putting it all out there like this and making this so long, but I just want to find peace and freedom. Take care and stay blessed  :heart:

 

[Bobflhtc]

I had a similar situation with my one son for 10 years. There were several mental health interventions and 3 County Prison lockups. When he was 21 he took his own life. He was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. I think by most peoples standards I did right by him. Of course Looking Back Now as an older and different person I could have done better.

I think God gives us children to love and take care of But ultimately how they turn out is pretty much out of our hands. It sounds like it's time for you to make your own way and she has to make hers.

 

[Starr]

Thank you for your response. I'm so sorry to hear that. It's just so strange being so worried about someones well being and they are happy as can be with the way things are. My chest hurts and my eyes start twitching when my phone rings. Not only from worry of something happening, but if it's her and she will be wanting something that I don't have to give and she will flip out on me. It's not fun.

 

[cyndi]

I hope you can find peace in this journey.

 

[Wander Woman]

It sounds like you have done all you can do and nothing has changed. So it’s time for you to take care of yourself.

My sister & her adopted daughter live with me, my niece was abused as a baby and has myriad emotional & behavioural problems - she’s almost 15 now, so I know a bit of what you’ve been through, even if not exactly the same circumstances.

Find your peace, you deserve it.

 

[happiergnome]

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I'm 34 taking care of my 67 yo mom who was in a car accident and now can't take care of herself. Three years later I'm just fantasizing about running away but that would make her a homeless person and she'd never survive.
You've done an amazing and remarkable thing sticking through all that you describe. Enjoy life, be happy!

 

[Dingfelder]

Good luck. It may be healthier for both of you to let her try her luck, who knows. Sounds like you've tried everything else and it hasn't worked?

 

[LathrenJames]

Thank you for your response. I'm so sorry to hear that. It's just so strange being so worried about someones well being and they are happy as can be with the way things are. My chest hurts and my eyes start twitching when my phone rings. Not only from worry of something happening, but if it's her and she will be wanting something that I don't have to give and she will flip out on me. It's not fun.

I like saying positive things; being nice and subtle but I know of what you speak and I want to scream "RUN"! Just because you have a family member who demands your 'services' does not mean you have to give up your happiness for them. It does not make your life less important. The ombudsman may have been trying to help you cut loose - for your own well-being. Once a person is determined to be on that bad road, they will use and abuse anyone who can make their trek easier and with not the least bit of concern for how their behavior affects others - including the Mom who raised them. I hope you take to the road, as soon as you are able and enjoy the life you have left. Your job, where your daughter is concerned, is done. You will still love her. You just don't have to be used by her, ever, again. Until you take care of yourself, you will not be happy. Show her this by your example. She may learn a thing or two and eventually get herself on a good road. Peace

 

[Starr]

Thank you guys for the responses. Lathrenjames you worded the way that I feel and what others have told me so perfectly. I am working really hard on not running to her rescue every time she calls. It is very hard because I want so bad to protect her from bad things. I see that the more I do the more she expects. Her way of thinking is not rational and does not make sense to anyone but her although she will argue until she is blue in the face that she is right. Once things turn out the way I say they will you would think she would learn from it, but she doesn't and will do the same things over and over and expect a different outcome. I can not wait to go! The distance will be good for me and her. If I am far away I can't come running when she calls with stupid request from me and if she flips out on me I can just hang up. I want to trade my Buick Lesabre in on a van, but I am terrified I will get a lemon. My car has 117k miles on it and new tires and runs perfectly except the a/c, no body damage or anything either. I know that this is what I need and have wanted for some time now. I know I can do it. I have done it alone my entire life with no one to depend on due to being a foster care brat lol I have always had trouble asking anyone for help of any kind, but never trouble getting help for my daughter. Well thanks again for the kind words!  :heart: