When to help, when to just say no?

[Stargazer]

I will jump in and help others when I see the need.  But now and then, it becomes difficult and drags me down into the mire.  What do you do?

There is a person here in the RV park where I live who is a first timer RVer.  She frequently has problems with the systems in her 2015 RV that are brought on by her ignorance of how to use and maintain them.  I have shown her how to many times and she continues to have the same problems because she continues to misuse things, in spite of what we do to educate her.  She also suffers from depression and I think maybe she's bipolar.  Anyway, it has become difficult for me because it is starting to drag me down, too.

I truly feel for her and I know I can't "fix" her.  I don't want to desert her but at the same time, I also can't let her problems become my problems.  I recently had surgery, four days in the hospital, and when I came home, I asked her to help me unload my things and she couldn't because she was depressed and crying.  This is the same person with whom I spent three days helping her clean out her RV and get things organized (think hoarder).  I rarely ask for help so when I do, it's truly necessary.

This morning, she's supposed to help me but I am afraid it will end up with her crying on my shoulder the entire time.  I am trying to heal myself and am waiting for pathology results (likely cancer), and don't feel too strong to be able to handle her problems right now, too.  I feel guilty that I can't help her now and that I need help myself.

What to do?  How do you handle this?  I hate even admitting that I need help and that I feel a little angry that with all I've done for her...well, you know.

I just don't have the reserves right now.  Someone tell me that's ok?

 

[Wabbit]

You sound like you already know what you have to do. Take care of yourself first, and if there's any reserve power, then think about helping out. If you don't take care of yourself first, then you most likely won't be able to help others when they NEED it. Everyone has to do for themselves in the end. We can't carry anyone across the finish line. We can support and encourage, but they have to do it themselves.

Stinks when you see someone struggling because something isn't "clicking". Do the best ya can and being honest won't make you friends, but it might help something to click with people who aren't hearing what they should. If that makes any sense. Take care of yourself first so you can fight the good fight later.

 

[Queen]

What you're feeling is called "compassion fatigue" and it is completely normal and acceptable.

When you are dealing with someone with a pathology (an actual mental illness) it's best to set very firm boundaries, she will continue to be an energy suck as long as you allow it. When I say firm boundaries that would mean verbalizing them to her. "I will help you with _____ for 20 minutes on Thursday, then I will leave. You may not contact me except one time each____ and then only for five minutes, then we will be done and you will leave". It's also perfectly acceptable to say "I cannot/will not help you anymore/this week/until next month/until I am healed and in a better place".

Hope you can work things out and heal up from your own surgery!

 

[VanKitten]

The first thing you need to understand is that helping others first requires that you take care of yourself.

After being the sole caregiver for my parents, I know that I can't help anyone when I am sick, etc. (40% of caregivers die BEFORE the disabled person they are helping). The drag you talk about is caregiver burn out. Combine it with serious medical conditions....and you have to be very careful that you put yourself first.....you cannot be help to anyone if you get worse.

Finally, I have been the caregiver for a bi-polar person. There will never be an end to their need ... and they will always put their need before yours. (If they even recognize you have an actual need). You must set boundaries.

So, all I am saying is that...this is not a healthy situation for you. The stress is not good for you. You need to focus on you....
Even trying to tell her to put a stop will cause even more stress. She will hit you with a quilt trip, etc. Can you move your rig?

Sending you a virtual hug. Get better soon!

 

[Weight]

Help her draw and write a operators how to manual for her system. Insist she do all the writing and drawing. If meetings become a "cry fest feel sorry for me", make reason to walk off until next meeting.

 

[Dgorila1]

1. Move to a new rv park.
2. If #1 is not an option, distance yourself from her (i.e. cut ties or limit contact). She'll always be in "drama" mode with some type of crisis. You don't need that negative energy. The wife and I have many people like this in our life but we avoid them and don't get sucked into their everyday crisis' and pitty parties. You have to look out for your physical and mental health. You can't solve the worlds problems, no matter how much you think you can. And don't let people like this make you feel guilty! They're grown ass adults, they will be fine!

 

[Richard]

To be fair, if a person has a mental illness, they're not indulging in pity parties. In their particular mental/emotional reality, what feels like a manageable scenario to a healthy person can feel overwhelming to them. Mood regulation disorders are just that: disorders. Such people don't choose the biological conditions by which they're significantly affected/influence. So, to judge their subjective experience by your own relative ease in confronting the same situation ignores the reality of their disability.

We don't accuse people who are paralyzed from the waist down of having a pity party about not being able to walk. We don't accuse someone with dementia of being too lazy to remember their anniversary. And in the same vein, we ought not accuse someone with a mental/emotional disability of having a pity party when they're struggling with mood-swings/-extremes.

Getting back to the point, though, I do agree that self-care needs to be prioritized above other-care. It's possible to take care of oneself without the negative judgments about people who may be struggling to cope with mental/emotional disabilities. I have on many occasions been politely direct with others: "I'm sorry but I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed right now. I need to go and relax for a while." It's a simple assertion of self-care without implying any negative judgment about the other person's experience of need, fear, clinging, confusion, etc. Mutual respect goes a long way for all people involved.

 

[tx2sturgis]

Sounds like the neighbor lady is in need of adult day-care help...

Has anyone looked into that option?

Someone could drop by for an hour or two... and maybe she could sign up for meals on wheels, just to lighten her burden in that department.

Then another option, if there is a senior citizen center nearby, that might lighten her mood...visiting with new people, making some friends who will have the time to listen and share with her, and maybe do some light physical activity, have lunch with new people, play pool, shoot darts, or join in on some balloon volleyball...

These things can boost a persons mood if they are open to the idea.

In other words, broaden her horizon so she has a wider field of interests and people to connect with.

Couldn't hurt to ask.

 

[Stargazer]

Thank you all for bringing me back from my self-induced guilt trip pity party.  Normally when I see her in one of her blue moods (I know when because she completely withdraws) I go to her and drag her out for something (a walk, a "project", lunch out, anything) and she is always thankful.  It's just that I don't have those reserves right now and I felt guilty.

You are all correct!  Me now, her later.  I'll have my strength back soon; I've always bounced back before and will do it again.  And will be able to be there for her in a few weeks.

Besides, I have my new-to-me Class B that is ready to head to higher elevations for the summer.  Trip was delayed by this surgery thing but I'm hopeful to leave here in a couple of weeks.  Ahhh, the smell of pine needles in the morning!

Group hug!

 

[SoulRaven]

With a 2015, there is a good chance if she doesn't have the owner's manual that you find a copy online at the manufacturer's website, if not there, ask if they can provide a copy.

She using you for a sounding board, maybe she just screws up her RV for attention, it wouldn't surprise me. If she acts this way all the time, she won't make many friends to tell her problems to.

Get her the number for social services or the nearest mental health clinic, most cities have them on a sliding scale or if she has insurance, including Medicaid, she may be able to get help through that avenue.

You should not feel guilty over being fed up with the behavior, but never do anything for anyone expecting anything in return to avoid further disappointment.

 

[jimindenver]

Sometimes being a caretaker is detrimental, unfortunately it is in our nature. There are those that truly have a need and those that will take advantage either for attention or pure greed with nothing to offer in return, even gratitude. It is a balance that is hard to achieve and maintain and there are going to be times and you have to accept that there are those that you can not help for a variety of reasons. Doing so will help you take care of yourself and avoid internal conflict. I know personally that at times it requires me to be alone but I have to do what is best for my own well being.

Just remember that when on a airplane that they tell you to put on your own mask before helping others for a reason.

 

[slynne]

At any rate, none of us can diagnose the woman mentioned in the OP nor should we. The important thing is that she is emotionally draining to Stargazer. All the advice here so far is pretty good, imho. There is no need to feel guilty if you need to step back in order to take care of yourself.

 

[Weight]

Yes. She is only lonely and needs some help with a new way of living. "How does this toilet flush?"

 

[Stargazer]

It is true that I tend to give till it hurts and then feel guilty when I have nothing left to give.  Made me a good nurse back in the day ?.  And the many posts here reminded me that sometimes it is just fine to back off and recharge.

I had acquired my B van in late January and was planning to head to California where my family had relocated.  I intended to be out on the road until fall, partly to scratch that itch, partly to see my babies, partly to avoid this Texas heat.  Health issues arose, I had visibly lost weight and people noticed.  So it was no secret that I was not well.  I took the van to the city where my surgery was scheduled and stayed in it until I could come back.  I was surprized when I received phone calls and texts from neighbors checking on me.  And this morning when, as I walked my little dog, people appeared from everywhere to see how I was and offered help, it was a shock because I never realized they even noticed me.  It was a real eye opener and I realized I am not as alone as I thought.  So after that, I completed my chores and went over to her RV to see how she was.  She invited me to lunch and we went to a local cafe with great food and it wasn't at all like I thought it would be.  We had a very nice visit.  Apparently she pulled herself together.

The reason I think she may have mental health issues, besides from her behavior, is a comment she made to me once about never telling people you have mental health problems because it brands you and makes you a social outcast.  Sounded like the voice of experience to me.  She is a very interesting person when she's up!

Anyway, with the support of you kind peeps, I have my groove back. And today is the first day I haven't had to take any pain meds.  So that probably helps a lot.  I hate the way they make me feel.

Thank you thank you thank you all.  Next week I meet with the docs and get the pathology results.  I am optimistic and hope to reload the van and head to Colorado by July 1 where I may need to use the heater in the mornings!  And maybe catch a few trout, hike some trails, and meet more interesting people.  Back here in late fall to winter in my fifth wheel.

It'll all be good.  Because everything always works out.

 

[theinfamousj]

Boundaries are great things to have. Hard but important things to enforce. And are usually decried by those who would rather you not have them.

To all who have always had good boundaries, I salute you. To those who have learned to have good boundaries, I applaud you. To those struggling to develop good boundaries, I support you.

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