A friend recently told me about this TED talk. It meant a lot to me, and I felt it was rather fitting, given the self-exposure we are all taking part in here, so I thought I'd share. Bren<span id="altHeadline" class="notranslate" style="font-size: small;">é</span>'s talk on shame is also very enlightening, btw.<br /><br />http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Vulnerability
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Thank you for your input. I was starting to think this was such a touchy subject that no one wanted to say anything. <br />To me, being brave enough to be vulnerable is about being brave enough to be my true self, in spite of there being ignorant people out there. That said, I do agree with you. A healthy amount of privacy is important, but I believe the truth is, even those ignorant people wish they could be vulnerable and not hide behind their masks of greatness. In my experience, most people are not that way. Most people understand and when someone is vulnerable, they see it as bravery, and not weakness.<br />Without risk, there can be no positive change.
twokniveskatie
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Kevinr- how about a 30 second synopsis for those of us video challenged? My phone will only play the first 2 minutes, despite wifi :-(
<br /><br />Well, I'll try. If you get the opportunity please try to watch from a computer because I can't tell her story anywhere near as well as she can.<br /><br /> Brene is a social worker who started her ten year research on vulnerability by studying connection and our ability to feel connected and how worthy we feel of connection. This sense of worthiness is guided by our shame.<br /> She found that in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen. That the difference between people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who struggle with feeling like they are not good enough, is simply a belief that they are worthy of love and belonging. It's sort of a leap of faith.<br /> Brene found that the whole-hearted people, as she calls them, have the courage to be imperfect, the compassion to be kind to themselves first so they can be kind to others and that they have connection as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they were, which is something we all have to do in order to feel at all connected. They embrace vulnerability and believe that what makes them vulnerable, makes them beautiful.<br /> Brene, like myself, is one of those people who struggle with allowing themselves to be vulnerable, so this research led to her breakdown, as she calls it, or her spiritual awakening, as her therapist calls it.<br /> She poses that we have a habit of numbing vulnerability, because society doesn't want to see it, and in doing so, we numb everything else as well.<br /> She goes on to state that the result of this is that we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in US history. In trying to numb all the things we don't want to feel, we also numb the things we do want to feel. I.E. when you numb despair, or fear, you also numb happiness, and joy, and gratitude. This leads to the dangerous cycle of becoming miserable, looking for purpose and meaning, and feeling vulnerable, and numbing that vulnerability, and becoming miserable, etc, etc.<br /> In addition to numbing our bad emotions, we tend to make things that are uncertain, certain. Religion, for example, has gone from a belief in faith and mystery, to certainty. e.g."I'm right, you are wrong, shut up." <br /> The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are... Politics, looks the same. There is no discourse anymore, just blame. Blame is described in the research as a way to discharge pain and discomfort. <br /> We try to perfect ourselves with plastic surgery, etc, and then we try to perfect our children, who are already hard wired for struggle when they get here. She suggests our job shouldn't be to perfect them by getting them to Yale at age 7, it should be to let them know that they are imperfect and wired for struggle, but worthy of love and belonging. <br /> Furthermore, we pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. We do it in our personal lives as well as on a corporate level. Whether it's a bail out or an oil spill, a recall, we pretend what we are doing doesn't have a huge effect on others. Instead of placing blame, we should just be authentic and real and say we are sorry and we will fix it. (Global warming or environmental change is a great example, that just occurred to me. We debate about whether humans are responsible for the problem, rather than seeing what we can do to fix it. If it was an asteroid coming at us, would we waste all our time debating who threw it?)<br /> She says there is another way: To let ourselves be seen. Deeply seen. Vulnerably seen. To love with our whole hearts, even though there is no guarantee. To practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror and instead of catastrophizing what might happen, just say we are grateful because to feel this vulnerable means we are alive.<br /> And most importanly, to believe we are enough so we will stop screaming and start listening and be kinder to the people around us as well as ourselves.<br /> <br /> Sorry, but 30 seconds just didn't cut it. <img src="/images/boards/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" align="absmiddle"> I did paraphrase quite a bit. I hope I did her talk justice. I had to leave out her sense of humor, which is a shame. She is a lot of fun to listen to.<br /> I don't have time today to do her other talk, but if you get the chance you can also look at her new one: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html<br /><br /><br /><br />
Her next talk poses that vulnerability is not weakness. She defines it as the emotional risk, exposure, and uncertainty that fuels our daily lives and that it is our most accurate measurement of courage. She goes on to state that vulnerability is the birthplace of creativity, innovation, and change.
twokniveskatie
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Thank-you so much for taking the time to share that. I am particularly interested because of a recent discussion about shame and worthiness with a friend. I am certain now that I need to watch these when my computer gets back. All the better that she can take a subject, fraught with so much pain for many, and add some humor. I am a great believer in the healing power of humor. <br /><br />I had a neat therapist who treated a specific anxiety disorder by teaching me to animate certain dark thoughts into "south park" like cartoons. It helped enormously, except that I then tended to giggle out loud (okay, sometimes guffaw) which made people move away from me quite a distance. Which of course, negated the need for social anxiety! Pretty slick, eh?:
twokniveskatie
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Same here. Which south park character do you want to play? 
<span id="post_message_1274241482">
<br /><br />Easy. Butters Scotch as Professor Chaos. Which one are you? Anyone else wanna play south park with me and Katie? <img src="/images/boards/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" align="absmiddle"><br /></span>Same here. Which south park character do you want to play?
twokniveskatie
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You are so right. I think this is worse for guys, who are expected to be brave and never admit "weakness". I so totally have more trust in a man or a woman who can be honest in their self-assessment. I would rather have somebody in my camp who can tell it straight and do the best they are capable of, than these blustery macho guys to whom appearances mean everything. <br /><br />I think that's one of my favorite aspects of this group, that it is a safe place to be yourself without being put down. That is what Bob wants more than anything, and you guys deliver it. You are an amazing bunch of people. <br /><br />
Planetmoon said:
I am new to this life and one thing I have already noticed is how much I wanted people to see my status. I still find myself not wanting people to see that I am living in my truck, or wanting to tell people that I live in my truck. Society today is all about status and that is how I have been living my life. Ive been in prison my whole life and didnt know it. Im getting better. I notice the more I live this life the more I dont care what people think. Ive never felt more free in my life.
sl1966
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<br /><br />If you only knew how bad it can get! Sometimes, sometimes all I want is a hug and to be told that I'm pretty. No wait, that came out wrong. *cough cough cough* football, guns, power tools, aliens, breasts explosions, and aliens with big exploding breasts!<br /><br /><br />twokniveskatie said:
I think if we find our true calling and passion we will find that we fit in perfectly. If your struggling to live life then your doing it wrong. I think we need to stop living life the way society dictates and look inside ourselves. figure out what your passion is, you know (what turns your crank), then do it! Thats what Im doing. Ive never been more excited about my future. People told me I was crazy and I cant do that. I said; OH YA, watch me! Less looking around you and more looking inside you. Its amazing how much better and easier life is when start doing what you want instead of what everone thinks you should do. UH OH you got me started.
Each day I feel more and more need to escape the chains of "normal life". Fear of change is a great detractor from life's goals, but change was always something easy for me to overcome. Its putting in the past what brought me to this point so that I can live without chains. My fear is not being able to accomplish the goal of freedom from those chains. Debt is the main remaining ball and chain. I'm so close I can taste it! My faith has brought me this far...I hope it can hold out.
dragonflyinthesky
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<strong><span style="color: #339966;">@kevinr<br /><span style="color: #000000;">Thanks for the video.</span></span></strong>
Journeyman
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This has been a great topic. I agree with yesican, I find that putting the past behind me has been the hardest part and for now I feel that I have finally done that, for the most part. <br />But now a new fear arises, what happens if my van breaks down and no money to repair it, this has occasionally come up. I will not let this stop me, I will not let this stop me.......... <br />This is the only place that i can think of where I have felt like I truly fit in. I think that a large part of it is the people on here and our similar goals. This is a place where we can speak our thoughts and feelings without fear of retribution or ridicule. And we all have a lot to say. We are all trying to escape a world of people who don't understand. Nor do they try. Though I love my family, we no longer connect. And I can no longer live my life to keep them happy. My happiness is out there. And I am going seek my dream.<br />Sorry about the ranting, I needed to get that out.
madcap328
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I think society identifies with their "stuff" or professions and they don't know who they are inside. I didn't want to be labeled as my job title or the size of my house or the kind of car I drove anymore. To me it's like introducing yourself to a stranger with your measurements from head to toe. My inner being isn't defined by my height or bra size. I want people to see me for me. This lifestyle allows and encourages that. I want the freedom to be me, with all my flaws and faults, and be happy with that. Could you imagine a world where everyone accepted who they were and stop trying to be someone else?? What a boring place this would be if we all looked, thought, acted and felt the same about everything... <br />I love the quote from earlier "less looking out and more looking in".<br />IMHO
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