Too Nice

[Stargazer]

A light bulb moment this morning, which has been coming on for a while...

As years passed, I found myself becoming more and more reclusive.  When I retired, after my husband died, I did the van and RV thing, solo with my dogs.  Spent much time in the wildernesses and on the road.  I often wondered what I was running away from?  And this morning, after eight years, I finally figured it out.  I'm too nice.

I recently returned to the S&B lifestyle, in a very small town where "everybody is sooo nice!"  I felt I didn't have to watch my back since this is Mayberry.  Making new friends!  Inviting people over.  Helping others.  Putting myself out there.  And guess what?  It's the same thing all over again. I moved cross country, no help.  All those who offered to help me just disappeared.  The very ones who just weeks before I had spent two days unloading their multiple U-Haul loads.  Invited people for Thanksgiving and New Years, everybody raved about what a great time they had.  I wasn't invited to their house warming party nor the Super Bowl party.  A person who is currently living in a borrowed cargo trailer on her land while her new house is being built is dealing with the single digit cold.  I invited her to stay with me during the cold nights.  She and her little dog came once for four days, didn't cook, clean, was treated like a Guest.  Didn't contribute to food or anything else.  Didn't help shovel snow.  Didn't pick up after her dog.  She announced two days ago she would be back this week and I said, "Oh, I'll need to go grocery shopping then."  She said she would bring something.  She brought a bag of salad greens and a container of blueberries.  She plans on staying several days.  It's my fault, I know.  She's even said staying here is like a five star hotel.

Yesterday I had an appointment with an attorney to finalize a new will, advance directive, etc.  While there, we also discussed problems I'm having with a local company I hired to do some work on my house.  He told me, "You're being too nice."  Several people have said that to me recently and I didn't think much about it.  But this morning, when I woke up at 1:00 am and thought about how I'm being taken advantage of by others (my "friends"), the urge to pick up and hit the road came back and I realized it's because my "niceness" gets me hurt so I withdraw or run away.  One thought led to another and now I wonder...

Is that why so many live a mobile lifestyle, because they're too nice?

Are you??

 

[cyndi]

I was. Until chronic illness kicked my butt and made me learn to say no.

But that's not why I'm out here. I'm healthier out here. And the people with whom I spend time understand my need for space.

They're also at the ready if I need help. And that's a two way street

I can REALLY live out here. Even if I can't do everything I once could. I still feel like I'm living. In a house, I feel like I'm wasting away.

 

[dellaterra]

Hate to be harsh but sounds like you were trained to be a girl, takes effort to undo that socialization.

 

[jimindenver]

I agree

It's just easier to isolate yourself.

 

[AMGS3]

About 9 years ago after my second divorce and a prolonged custody battle from my first husband that was wearing me down I was venting to a dear friend about the whole thing. I was told then that "Ang, your problem is that you tolerate bad behavior for far too long."

It was probably the most eye-opening thing anyone's ever said to me and it inspired some deep reflection.

There are ways to be nice to others without tolerating bad behavior. After all, if you let people take advantage of you, then you're not really being nice to yourself.

In the years since then it's been a slow learning curve about how to implement this philosophy in real life (not just a theory) but I'm much better at advocating for my own needs now than I once was, and I do not tolerate bad behavior. At least not nearly as often as I used to.

~angie

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

 

[Plant]

I don't think one can be too nice, but one can never be too guarded with those that we have not developed a relationship that fosters intimacy. There are many people that seem to be programed to take advantage when possible. To me, it's kind of perplexing, mind you I'm also perplexed by why people tend toward rudeness.

Perhaps this has to do with the nature of society, the pace, the online world and social media, people just trying to get ahead. I don't know, I just deal with it, but do always try to be kind and helpful if I can be.

 

[Wabbit]

Hi Stargazer! Love that username. Being "nice" is different than being a welcome mat. Be careful you don't confuse the two. As for other people and their "nice" levels, most everyone thinks they're the nice ones in a relationship. Who's to say who is right. You might want to think about what "nice" means to you. Remember you are #1. If you're sick of being #1, then maybe take an hour or a day or a whatever time and put others first. It's a good feeling to help others, sounds like you know this. Just remember, you're #1, always. If you don't have the emotional\mental\physical\monetary reserves to put others first, DONT DO IT! Learn your boundaries, learn how to say no, and learn to confront people that you believe are worth confronting. Some people aren't worth confronting.

Not what you asked, but I worry about you sometimes...

For me, I kinda self isolate because I am not a huge fan of people. My whole world changed at the age of 42. Everything I thought I knew, was not what it appeared to be. Huge shock, bigger pity party, then anger(rage), followed by a rollercoaster of emotions that finally started to taper off after a few years. I isolate now because it keeps me in a better head space to live out what time remains with as much peace and contentment as I can. If any of that makes sense...

Best of luck.

 

[Srae29]

I don't think people can be "too nice", but I believe some people are gullible, naive, nonconfrontational (people pleasers), and...well, living in denial about who THEY think they really are.

Second of all, I think, only from what you wrote, you sound like a compassionate, other-centered, and friendly person. Sometimes people like you are going to be taken for granted, even abused. You can choose to accept how people interprets your kindness or, you'll need to find ways to build boundries so you are not hurt by ungrateful or toxic relationships.

Lastly, never, never, never think that your kindness goes unrewarded. The girl and her dog you hosted may not see the value of your kindness now, but our hope is that your thoughtfulness and compassion has an impact. Love, genuine love NEVER goes void. Sometimes (we learn as a child, at least in our American society), that kindness will begat kindness. Truth will begat truth. Love should be reciprocated ect. ect. It's not true. No one owes me anything. I'd like to think I can leave this world thinking I loved unwarranted and unsolicitated and owed no one but love and kindness. That doesn't mean I don't have boundries or insight about people around me.
I know, it sounds so...cliche. But living a concious life out of compassion and kindness is more profitable than NOT being "too nice".
Thank you for sharing your story.
Cheers!

 

[Beetle]

I recommend a book by Mark Manson: The Subtle Art of Not Giving.....anyway it's good.

 

[WanderingRose]

I dealt with problematic behavior out of others for a living, yet in my personal life/within my personal space I still in my rather advanced years find it difficult to deal with people who take advantage.  

Like the repeat houseguest here who considers herself a guest to be cared for and tended to rather than someone who is actually responsible for herself who just needs a warm place for a night or two.

Next time she comes, perhaps ask her to take responsibility for dinners for you both for the duration of her stay, and you’ll handle breakfast and lunch.  Just to share the responsibilities.

We expect others to be as gracious and willing to share the burden as we would be, and all are simply not, but we don’t know how they’re going to be until they are.  

It may have to do with differences in upbringing, as some see all situations as only about them and their needs, never having been taught otherwise.

Be resentful, or speak up?

I am inclined to speak up, but probably never soon enough.  I tend to hope things will self correct, but these types of people seldom self correct nor respond to anything other than very direct language.

When I’ve had enough, I take the bull by the horns and address the issue.

I had a friend years ago, involved in a rather volatile live in relationship, who would fight with her boyfriend and then come with her two kids to my apartment and stay for several days, throwing my family and budget into turmoil.

After the third time in as many months I finally told her I could not simply be a place to run to, that she needed to resolve the situation or find another place to go.

I felt like she took a parenting break with me, while I cooked meals and cared for her children as well as mine, as that was my caregiver nature.  

It never happened again, and we are still good friends, but others I have dealt with in my life left and found new victims.

 

[tav-2020]

There are those who will always give and those who will always take. Hard to change a lifetime of being kind, and geez, there seems to be too small amounts of genuine kindness floating around these days.
Wish you were my neighbor, we would have fun together.

I would ask your house "guest" to contribute more than a bag of salad greens and also place a roll of doggie pick-up bags firmly in her hand. If she didn't pick up after her mutt this time she would be on the curb. That is the least she could do, the very least.

 

[Stargazer]

Some good insight here and some very right on the spot.

I know I bring a lot of this on myself by not confronting others when I probably should. I also am not good at asking for help. And things today are better.

When I reared my children, I taught them "you never go wrong doing the right thing." I try to live by that but sometimes it's difficult to know what is right. Not everything is black and white.

As JiminDenver stated, it's just easier to isolate. I'm working on that.

 

[maki2]

It is not about not being nice enough or being too nice. It is about you not being a good communicator of your expectations from other people. You have expectations and boundaries but you don't communicate them to others. That is the issue. You expect them to know what you are thinking without telling them because somehow they should magically know all the unwritten rules in society and somehow magically know which individuals will consider them important to have them complied with...or not.

You have to be nice to yourself as you are the one person you have to live with every single day of your life. You don't want to get onyour own bad side because the consequences of that behavior are not at all pleasant. Allowing unwanted guest into your space is not being nice to yourself.

 

[RoamerRV428]

you can't ever be too nice

but also you can't expect anything back. Giving of yourself to others is your personal choice. I mean, we are nice to others also to make friends, some don't need more friends. So it is smart not to 'expect' something back from others. You are giving your niceness with a catch, your own feelings needing it returned. That is a personal choice to want from others just because you gave to them.

don't get me wrong on this I mean that you should never pull your niceness from this Earth but you should also not expect much back in return. High expectations from others to meet your standards sometimes seem like a massive let down from the population. I get it tho.

 

[WanderingRose]

I believe in giving generously of yourself, in time and whatever else you can spare, as we should all do something to help others.

I don’t feel we help others by gifting ourselves to them to be taken advantage of. That’s enabling.

There is a line there, and I think we know when it is the latter because of how we feel about the situation.

 

[owl]

When I first met you at an RTR several years ago I remember telling a friend " She is really nice." No, you're not too nice. You're a beautiful smart woman. Some people don't see the things they should do, they've never been taught. When your friend comes around assign her tasks and ask her to kick in for the food. That may save a friendship. As for folks not inviting you it may be that you, like me, don't give off that vibe. You know the one that says I want to be included. In my case I don't care to be included very often, I treasure my privacy. Any of this make sense?

 

[Gr8ful]

There are truly nice people but seem fewer as we go along. I had lots of friends when I had a full shop,remote hunting camp, planes, etc but after I broke my back I found how many "true friends" I really had, very few & my best one died. Now that I can hardly walk it's hard to find decent help to hire that I can trust. Even my sons don't come around as I might have something needing moved. I tried to help many people & also have a hard time asking for help & hate to pay for work I could do better a few years ago from people who don't care. Spent my life collecting all the things I thought I wanted now almost all are a burdon. It's been a fun ride, motocrossing, skydiving, scuba, flying prewar planes, extreme long range target shooting, riding century's (100 miles) on bicycles & more. But people are so busier than they need to be they miss alot of life. IMHO I think social meadia is big part of the problem of people being so stressed & angry. People used to write & visit but no more. I was always on the run so my plan is to see as much of America as I can, get out of this cold & continue to enjoy life as I always have. Time to turn the page. I'm bringing my Powered Parachute, drones, gas scooter & electric bike. Life's an Adventure, I'm an Adventure Junky so let the Journey begin!

 

[owl]

"Is that why so many live a mobile lifestyle, because they're too nice?"

I think that may be one. The reasons folks live nomad are the same reasons many don't. One size doesn't fit. I've noticed that moving on gives some space but rarely solves problems. Changing your personality in order to fit isn't the answer. Understanding how you are is important. Letting anyone but yourself define you is counter your being.

 

[flying kurbmaster]

I don’t think that people Live a mobile lifestyle because they are too nice, or running away from consequences of being too nice..,, maybe some but not as a rule,. obviously a lot of people are running from something, because for the most part people are afraid whether they live a mobile liftestyle or stick and bricks. We get addicted to stuff be it toys, guns, alcohol, drugs or sex. We are afraid to be without them, they imprison us.  We also get addicted to recongnition, fame, money even shoes. All because we are afraid of living in the moment for some reason. We imagine dangers for the futur and we protect against them in the present,  If you are getting hurt it is because your expectations are not being met, You are being nice in order to gain something, you expect something from someone else and when they don;t do as you would like you are not happy then you have to do something about that because that is not a comfortable place to be, that can be running away, eating, sex, drinking or any number of things to take you away from your disappointments. I think the only way to overcome all of that is to sit with your pain and focus on the breath.... and NO I am not too nice, not something I aspire to be, I am not sure what that means nor do I know how to get there. Enjoy your day.

 

[maki2]

One thought led to another and now I wonder...

Is that why so many live a mobile lifestyle, because they're too nice?

No that is not why so many live a mobile lifestyle.  It is unlikely that more than a tiny few choose it just because they are nice people.

Many people do it when they get older because they have felt stuck in one place much of their lives. That has much to do with raising children, needing a steady job and stable place close to schools, doctors and the other support systems for raising children. So those people want the opposite, freedom to roam and freedom to leave all those chores and responsibilities behind.
A lot of people choose it because they are simply tired of the congestion of urban living. Part of that congestion is off course too many people per square mile and no way to control the individual personalities who come adjacent to you. The person choosing the mobile lifestyle might be a total jerk or they might be a total sweetheart, it does not matter because pretty much everyone can get annoyed by some of their neighbors, co-workers, family, etc and feel like "I want out of here"
Many people take up a mobile lifestyle out of economic necessity.
A lot of people just like to roam around and see new things and see things they have heard about.
A lot of people love the wild and nature, something that they can't fully experience when staying in one small area.
Some people hate a lot of noise and want peace and quiet that can only be found in more remote locations.
Some people have to do it to get away from someone who is harming them physically or mentally.

Speaking for myself, I relate to all of the reasons above and I suspect many others are much the same, it is an accumulation of reasons.

But of course for some it might be just one single thing and you might be that person who does it, but not because you yourself are too nice, but instead not being able to cope with people who are don't behave the way you need them to behave and when they don't you are afraid to be assertive because you think that is not "nice" and not being "nice" makes you dislike yourself. I would suggest you attend some assertiveness training classes so you can speak up for yourself without feeling guilty and without developing a loss of self esteem for asserting your rights to be treated decently by others.