Older fulltimers... do you value intimacy less as you get older?

[DannyB1954]

I get married about every 10 years. I stay that way for about a year, then it takes me another 9 years to forget what it was really like.
I am 63 now, and most all my body functions still work, but whereas when I was young I would put up with a lot of nonsense from some lady in exchange for acceptance and sexual gratification, I am not likely to do that today.

 

[Dingfelder]

it is sad to be isolated and lonely--and many are that way in relationships which is saddest of all

Robin Williams said something similar, to very roughly paraphrase, It feels terrible to be alone, but it's much worse to actually be with someone and still feel alone.  

I can relate.  I've felt compelled to stay in bad relationships before, be they work relationships, friends, parents, etc., and it can be dispiriting.  After a while it's hard to feel in your heart that there is any alternative or that you deserve better.  At this point in my life I'd just as soon not get trapped into anything I can't walk away from.

I think a lot of this sort of thing is situational. When I was a kid, our family took in foster kids, and we never had a moment of peace.  I came to crave solitude and I still do.  A friend of mine grew up very isolated out in the sticks, and craves company all the time; being alone actually spooks and disorients him pretty quickly.  I'd be surprised if, were our backgrounds reversed, our outlooks and preferences wouldn't also reverse.  They strike me as natural outgrowths of our circumstances.

That's one of the things that makes me want to hit the road, which I haven't done yet.  I'd like to find out a bit more about who I am before my time is up ... but who I really am, not who I am when so cramped by circumstance and the endless demands of others.  Will I crave solitude as much when I can have it any time I like?  I can't imagine not enjoying it for a very very long time.

 

[wagoneer]

Having not done the horizontal mombo in a very long time I occasionally miss it. Being a loyal mate has it's ups and downs it's complicated. My long time partner was raped by a serial rapist 30 years ago he is still locked up and the parol hearings have all but stopped because of the sheer numbers of people that show up at the hearings, I hate this guy.

 

[Weight]

The older I be, the less I like people.

 

[wagoneer]

George Carlin?

 

[closeanuf]

Dingfelder You said it perfectly.

 

[Dingfelder]

When I was young the hormones were raging and I would run around like a dog with 3 balls. After college I settled down and married but had not yet come all the way out of the testosterone fog. So I missed a few important aspects of what makes a good choice of a mate and the marriage failed. So by that time the fog lifted and I made a better choice of mate the second time. Now I find that there is a definite trade off between an intimate relationship and the cost of personal space and freedom that makes me say I really don't want to have a relationship. Of course at this point testosterone has been fully briught under control and a certain calm has entered my life. So I'd tell you it only gets easier year after year to keep relationships out of your life and finally live a better life of dramaless freedom. But then you have years to go before the testosterone releases its death grip on you so good luck!

I remember reading somewhere that an old novelist, I think Kingsley Amis, said that he was glad when his sex drive finally quieted down in his old age, because it was like being chained to an idiot for 50 years.

I laughed hard when I first read that, but can't help but recall that aspect of youth with a bit of dread.  I felt compelled without ever having been consulted.  

I can't say I never feel temptation anymore ... but there's a lot more room at the table for other things now.  Even, sometimes, using my brains!  I'm still not entirely used to it, but I'm learning.  It's nice that stupid is just one of many options now.

 

[Vermithrax]

My wife passed on 8 years ago, would rather be alone now. Nobody could ever take her place.

 

[A Savage Adventure]

I understand this. I've had one real relationship since my wife passed and it has been a real struggle. Only recently have I realized that it is because I do not see or feel the level of commitment that I had become accustomed to. I find myself making comparisons because I feel like I deserve to be happy and I'm not. She still wants to make a go of it, but I just see too many differences and too many things that we were never able to get past and that just makes me miss my wife all the more.

If I met the right person I know I could be happy again, but now with this new lifestyle choice I know the chances are slim to none that will happen, just due to inherently independent nature of this lifestyle.

 

[DebraOak]

This is true for you both and so many others that I've read. It breaks my heart. I'm a widow too, my best friend and lover dying six years ago after 34+ years of life together. It took me awhile but I finally came to experience, and believe, and find in science that our culture and society rewards scarcity thinking, which breeds harmful comparisons. It's called comparative advertising and you've seen it often (FedEx vs UPS, Coke vs Pepsi, MS vs Apple, Chevy vs. Ford). While there are actual manufacturing differences between the companies, bottom line is that the whole concept of comparative advertising is delusional. What is true is that we need to ship or compute or drive. Most insidious about comparative advertising, is that it appeals to our base nature and therefore easily teaches us to judge (versus discern) in matters we have no business judging, mainly our fellow human beings. 

On this planet, aren't we all more alike than different? Isn't there more of life available than less? Does the oak claim to be better than the maple? Is the Rocky Mountain Range fighting for your attention over the Andes? Does the wolf claim superiority over the cattle? Think about it. No, in each case, because none of them are seeking to wipe out the other, make the other invisible, disregard one way or the other. This planet provides enough. This planet is more similar to us than different, and we as human animals are more similar to each other than different. It doesn't matter what gender or race or any other so-called biological difference exists. We are all more the same than different.

I hope we all come to see what a beautiful world this is and how, with intimate companionship and expanding love, can be an even richer experience. I hope we all both find joy in openness and sharing. Mostly, I hope that the openness and generosity of a nomadic lifestyle seeps into our cells and enlivens them, helping rid ourselves of the harmful attitudes and ideas that snuck into our lives when we lived under the cover of cities and corporate cultures.

 

[LathrenJames]

Widow, here, also, after 30+ together. Six years on, now. Not just the most wonderful man I ever knew but the most wonderful human being. We were completely devoted to one another...and Happy!

While it is true that we compare far too much, I think sometimes rather than comparisons, what we are really feeling is (at this age) is unwillingness to settle for less than the love we had for so long. And that may take time which may not be feasible. 

When we were young and the world was our oyster, we had time and patience and nothing really to compare. That is perhaps the paradox of choice. I am satisfied with the man I loved and will always love. My devotion now is to experiencing travel and living postcards rather than reading them. I can do this alone. It isn't about risking my heart; it's about focusing my desires and affections on the world surrounding me and to meeting strangers, which I adore.

Anyway, sometimes one is not necessarily the loneliest number. If your hesitation to be with another is strong, be with yourself - at least a while.

:heart:

 

[DebraOak]

Hi Lathren. I agree that your strongest relationship has to be with yourself first before you can be of any real or healthy help to someone else. One is definitely not a lonely number and it takes two of them to make a couple. As far as the love of my life, who died six-plus year ago, there is no replacing him. To go into any relationship and compare to what was as if somehow he could be replaced is not only ridiculous it seems tragic. It seems to be right where society wants us to go - those poor widows and widowers, they are old now and old equals alone. Death is soon around the corner. 

When we fall into that trap, it is to the detriment of future companionship and happiness, especially when we sentimentalize what never was. Love of my life had flaws, as did I. We knew how to push on each other's buttons. We also knew how to give each other a break, and space. In those things, our love grew because we saw the warts and all and still loved. We weren't perfect. When he died, I had to heal from a lot of my own deep insecurities.

The whole sentimentalizing and comparing of what is past to what is present and now and beating heart seems a supreme tragedy. The idea that being with someone or alone forever are the only two options is another tragedy. It misses all the other options and avenues. I am quite full company for myself and don't need someone else around - I want someone else around. A whole self, like me, who chooses to spend the quiet times together.

Men and women too often don't realize their potential and power to love, letting slights get in the way and using deep sacred grief as an excuse. So sad. So yes, I value intimacy with another, which is more than sex but sex is important! This post is getting too sad. 

Suffice it to say, even a pocket pulse is better when managed by someone else! (I hope no one is offended. I'm speaking from my heart here.)

 

[LathrenJames]

I don't disagree with anything you've written and I feel it is from your heart. You write well. I guess, for me, I feel I could not have been happier than the time with my husband. It was enough. I enjoy my aloneness and my freedom and I also enjoy the company of strangers (especially when I know our encounter will be brief). Another issue I have is the feeling of being disloyal, somehow. I know that is not entirely rational but I am exceedingly loyal in all areas of my life and it feels not entirely good to me to be with someone else. I may be wrong about that but, for now, I'm okay with it. My Golden Narcissist is oozing with love and affection and she is happy to camp wherever I do. So, good (for now, at least). :heart:

 

[A Savage Adventure]

While it is true that we compare far too much, I think sometimes rather than comparisons, what we are really feeling is (at this age) is unwillingness to settle for less than the love we had for so long. And that may take time which may not be feasible. 

You nailed it! When discussing matters of the heart lately I am not as accurate as I intend to be. This is it in a nutshell. That I am not happy with less than I had, true. But, it is also that there is a lot of friction due to other things including money and family. I would have to get really personal to elaborate, but there are more issues.

Still, it's not that I need someone...I have been alone for a while now and dealing with it just fine. But I do enjoy the company of woman, especially one is intellectual like I am. One who enjoys hanging out, snuggling and yes, intimacy. 

But you're both also right that I need to rediscover myself first. I think I have been so wrapped up, not only in the issues that led me here, but the personal issues between her and I. Wanting to "move on" is easier when you're sure where the real issues were. I wouldn't want to get involved with someone else and have the same issues again...I guess I might feel like I needed to fix those issues first.

Who knows...it's been so long since I've been in the "dating" scene that I'm not sure how I would even begin again. LOL

Do either of you ladies happen to have a dog or cat as a pet / companion?

 

[LathrenJames]

Absolutely- get a dog! I even hesitated there for a long time. I was afraid to get attached. Boy am I glad I changed my mind. I have a Golden Retriever and if you've never been around one, they are basically dolphins with fur. Unbelievably sweet. And smart. And beautiful. What's not to love... :heart:

 

[A Savage Adventure]

I have allergies to dogs/cats. So I've been trying to find some way to get around it. Family / Friends on Facebook are constantly sending me adoptable dog links. Breaks my heart that I have allergies because I love dogs so much. Haven't had one in many, many years.

 

[LathrenJames]

That's too bad. I have always been amazed at people who travel with cats. I suppose they must start out at birth. I saw a young guy climbing in NH with his cat leashed and also riding on his back. Both were very relaxed. Too cute.

 

[A Savage Adventure]

I'm amazed when I see puppies riding in cars and enjoying it. Every puppy I ever had yacked all over the place the first 20 times they went for a ride in the car.

 

[Dingfelder]

Wow none of ours do. I suppose one must have at some point across the decades, but ... well anyway I guess it can happen but isn't necessarily par for the course.

 

[LathrenJames]

I'm amazed when I see puppies riding in cars and enjoying it. Every puppy I ever had yacked all over the place the first 20 times they went for a ride in the car.

I'm very fortunate. I started traveling with mine when she was about 3 months old and she believes the car is home. She sits patiently and never fusses. She wears her goggles to lean out of the window and loves it. As a matter of fact, she will get in anyone's car. Or tent, for that matter. That has led to some situations-but nothing too serious. She's a traveler. Good thing she is...

BTW, someone told me there is such a thing as a hypoallergenic dog. Can't imagine what that is but ...interesting. :blush: