I'm feeling so yesterday

[Vonbrown]

Thank you all for your acquaintance and your friendship.
Since my mini stroke I have had to reinvent myself and have no idea how or what. I am dealing with depression and a loss of confidence.

Last year I saw many of you at the "shoot" and also joined Caravan 1 seeking my direction. I failed you all miserably. I was withdrawn and perhaps a bit distant. I apologize. I was hoping to "hide out" in a caravan to still live my dream yet still be amongst like minded folks. I was flabbergasted to be invited to the shoot as a RTR original, yet never figured I was.
I'm so sorry to the many friends i made in the 5 years i part timed with for my behavior, it was not you but me. 
I too made a career as a master mechanic and to offer my skills to my fellow van dwellers seemed like the right thing to do, it gave me post retirement, a purpose. The stroke took away my physical dexterity and that being part of my identity, plus the experience I brought to the table was for so many years, who I am or was.
I'm still working on my reinvention, and have gone full time in my 2016 Minnie Winnie and ask that you all forgive me while I struggle through depression and anxiety.
I promise I will muster the courage and show the respect that you all deserve.


I'm glad that the people I helped that I got to see at the shoot and in the caravans are still living the dream, and that was the intent. All of you to me are some very good people to know

 

[1shemp]

Wishing you all the best, Mr Brown.

 

[bullfrog]

You are not alone. I'm a little younger but still have had a hard time making myself want to try to keep up with the world today. After years of being a go to person it is hard to accept things have changed so much you are no longer able to do, fix or figure out a lot of today's problems. I'm actually surprised when I guess right now days! I have been fortunate to find lots of "old man jobs" that mentally challenged me and I'm learning there are a lot of areas I overlooked by concentrating my efforts at doing one thing really well. I don't turn wrenches much anymore but enjoy doing small projects. Heck had a great time with my grown daughter today telling and watching her plug the hole in her tire. Took forever but time doesn't really mean much to me any more especially if I'm having fun. I have time now to enjoy simple things that got crowded out because I always had something that needed done that was more important. I've got time to fish, make smores, sit watch the wildlife and go visit places and see people when I want to and read when ever the mood strikes me. It is actually hard to make yourself believe you don't have to be doing something to make things better all the time but can now simply enjoy what you have done even though it may not be much. Open your eyes and start looking around till you find something to look at that makes you feel good, if you do then it's been a good day!

 

[abnorm]

Good to hear from you Mike...………….hang in there...……….

 

[WanderingRose]

I wish you all the best as you navigate the changes, and find a new path for your life.

I had a tiny brain bleed almost two years ago, so can relate.

One of the harsh realities we face as we age is our bodies small or large failures, but we age and deal with these, or we die.

Good luck to you.

 

[Stargazer]

VonBrown,

So there you are!  I wondered where you had been or if I have just not seen you here?  Seems many of us oldtimers don't come here anymore or at least not very often.

I, too, absolutely understand.  Used to be the older generation, when they couldn't DO anymore, acted as mentors for those who could.  But technology now changes everything so very quickly that our mentoring becomes obsolete in just a matter of months.  This, among other things, is a breeding ground for depression even without a physical event (like a stroke) to compound matters.  Or to bring them to a head.

You have opened up a HUGE subject!  I always thought you were a brave man.  Now I know you are!

I have no answers, unlike when I used to have all the answers.  But one thing for certain, you are not only not alone, you are a member of a very large and ever growing group.

WanderingRose said, "One of the harsh realities we face as we age is our bodies small or large failures, but we age and deal with these, or we die."  I would change that last part to say, "...THEN we die."  That's the harsh reality of it all.

On those bottomless pit days, when it seems all around me are making contributions and here I sit a worthless lump, I try to remember all the contributions I used to make and now, instead of looking at the What and How of things, I am studying the Why, a much more difficult endeavor, my friend.

 

[wagoneer]

Remember you at the RTR film week, what a gas that was being paid to camp. I am as well dealing with depression I am getting counseling and addressing it head on. I feel your pain. At 71 my abilities are somewhat questionable, I just slow down and deal with relegating to my 2 sons. Be strong as I remember you, keep the faith Adrian AKA Wagoneer

 

[rvwandering]

Mike, we were really happy to see you last year and you are welcome to camp with us anytime! It's okay if you want to keep to yourself some days. I think everyone understands that reinventing yourself takes time but you'll always be a valued member of the CRVL community. Where are you now? Are you planning on going to the RTR (whenever it happens)?

 

[crofter]

Get well 
Getting older is not for sissies. 

Heartily agree with this sentiment. I use medicine to help me do what I used to do without it. Those pills helped me have another birthday this year. Dr crofter reccomends: Spend some time in nature every day to help your mood, and bring nature inside for those days when you can't go out. Wishing you the best!   -crofter

 

[travelaround]

I've never met you but I think you are loved and appreciated just the way you are and I hope this is true for all of us.

 

[Vonbrown]

Thank you everyone for your kind words of encouragement.
I have often wondered if other people felt the same as I when faced with the realization that "I'm old"
It is frustrating for me to struggle to do the things I used to do so easily. I know, grow old gracefully.
It's been nearly 5 years since and I am full time living on the road starting last year in Sept. I agree, I love the outdoors and to travel exploring this great country. I should be grateful.
I wish you all happiness and peace of mind.
Thank you.

 

[Vonbrown]

Bottom line, I need to learn how to live with myself before I can live amongst you all. My life has changed quite a bit, and I missed the opportunity to receive my manual on how to be useful after a stroke.
Please try to understand it's not you all, but me.

 

[highdesertranger]

Von Brown I hope you come to the RTR. please look me up if you do. do you want to try prospecting?

I have slowed down tremendously the last 2 years and I am feeling my age. I just do stuff at my own speed. I don't try to keep up with anybody. I find I can do anything I used to be able to do it just takes much longer.

it sounds like you have the right attitude. keep your head up and don't get down on yourself, it's just the way life is, as you get older you slow down, it happens to everybody.

highdesertranger

 

[Qxxx]

 I find I can do anything I used to be able to do it just takes much longer.

Which is why you're doing the biggest D-I-Y project known to mankind? lol.

Gosh, anytime I even think about doing something that I could still do just 10 years ago, I go and take a nap. Not kidding. Life is a continual adaptation, and the afternoon naps get longer.

 

[MotorVation]

Bottom line, I need to learn how to live with myself before I can live amongst you all. My life has changed quite a bit, and I missed the opportunity to receive my manual on how to be useful after a stroke.
Please try to understand it's not you all, but me.

I'm a pretty lousy wrench. I can get some things done but sometimes even with a factory service manual I'm in over my head. I rent a room to a friend of mine who is a good wrench. I'm not afraid to tackle a lot of things I wouldn't do otherwise, because I know that he can bail me out. 99% of the time he doesn't touch a tool but instead points me in the right direction and I'm able to get it done.

A decent pair of Channellocks, less than 30 bucks.

Knowledge, priceless

 

[LERCA]

That’s sad that you feel your value is only in what you did as a mechanic. It’s hard to not be able to do what you used it ( in my case my back pain started at 43, knee destroyed at 49 and cancer at 55 now at only 57 my spine is bone on bone) so I’ve had a long time of adjusting to being able to do less. But your value is as a human being, a friend, neighbor, family member. It seems you have many friends and people who enjoy your company. As we get older that’s really important. I understand your sadness and depression but there is far more to you than your mechanic skills.

 

[LoveCareThinkDo]

Vonbrown, if you still have the knowledge, you could possibly consider mentoring someone younger. Skills in working on older vehicles aren't being taught anymore. Yet, the vandweller community is really going to need people with those skills for quite some time.

You could gather a small group of people into a bit of a "mentoring caravan" and work on mentoring them in what you know. In exchange, they could help you out with your daily activities.

Now, I don't want to be one off those people, but I'm sure you could gather up a few.

 

[1shemp]

Mr Brown,I don't know where you are now, but I hope you can come visit us next spring.We can sit on the porch,drink beer and watch the flowers bloom,take the boat out and catch some fish,have a big fish fry and tell war stories.We have 17 acres so you will have plenty of privacy when you want.

 

[Matlock]

I walked by the mirror at a truck stop someplace last week and caught a sideways blur of myself that made me stop and look again. Is that really me, is that what I actually look like? What the hell happened?
I know everyone goes through the process of aging but good heavens did I get old. I mean I had to stop and stare. Sure I forget a few more things now but that's never bothered me. I know as I always have that if it's that important then write it down, keep the paper in my pocket and just remember one thing, when you walk into a store look in my pocket for the reason.
Never met you Vonbrown but have read of your reputation and like hearing about what you do. I will tell you it's OK to walk by the mirror and occasionally stop and take a long look. There is someone you'll know waiting to shed some light on how well you've aged. I know, (i saw the light) and after I put on my glasses I could recognize the guy I was staring at and he really hasn't changed all that much. Like some say, It's all in your head. (or in a pocket written down).

 

[RoamerRV428]

You'll be ok in that you acknowledge you are dealing with some changes in your daily life and you will do just that....find a way to make it all work for you and not against you and find your personal new normal All any of us can do is allow life to do its thing and then we adapt as we all must! You will hit your own personal new normal sweet spot in life and thrive!