I want help

[wagoneer]

66 years old and want out.
I am a provider. Retired but not able to quit. The skills I have allow me to make 240 bucks for sitting on my ass per day. My immediate family has grown used to me being the overall provider which i always have been. Yes my fault but for the love of my family have not been able to convert them over to self sustaining individuals. We live in a house we are buying in San Francisco before not feeling sorry for me the mortgage is out pacing my ability to fund it. The classic "white knuckle" syndrome is beginning to show . I love my sig other but she is a no show with any type of financial offerings. Our oldest son is moving to Chicago and our youngest
is drug induced gamer with no signs of getting on with his life. I could see selling and getting the 800k splitting it and moving on
Not expecting anyone to pity me but what would you do?

 

[akrvbob]

I'd insist on being happy, whatever it took. It sounds like you've done your part in taking care of everyone else. Now it's time for you to take care of you.
Bob

 

[DC Fuse]

Adrian, This is my third attempt to write a post to respond to you as i do not want to say the wrong thing on such a important matter.
Here goes.
For now, first time your youngest son,the wife, and you are together in same room i'd roll a tsunami over them and tell them you're going to sell the house, buy a RV, (or just use the set-up you have) and hit the road and truly attempt to be both Happy and Healthy.
You will find out how/what the wife feels for your future together. Does she work now and just leaves it to you or is she always been a homemaker. To me that makes a difference. Maybe she feels in a rut too but does'nt know what to do or say about it? Especially the sons situation.

Your son needs a swift kick in the butt. He's not doing himself any long term benefits. How old is he? You saying both the house and you will not be there would be a huge wake-up call.

With all due respect you have done your shift at work. It's your time now.

Time waits for no one
No favors does he
Time waits for no one
And he won't wait for me


This post is worth 2 cents. Wish you the best.

 

[LongInTheTooth]

Wow. So hard to say without having known you and your family for a long time. My ex has a very different version of our life together than the version I have. I guess what I'm saying is the old adage that it takes two, neither are innocent, and there are two sides to this.

However, you have the right to pursue happiness. Have you talked to your wife about what you want to do? The value of a person is not based on finances, so don't overlook what she brings to the table in other ways. She may be as miserable as you are. Maybe some marriage/couple counseling? How many years have you invested in your lives together? Is it worth it to you to salvage it? How old is your son? If he's over 18, boot his ass out. Harsh? Yes, but it will force him to wake up and get his act together. Then he can always conditionally move back in if necessary once he's had a wake up call and is getting things together.

This is a huge decision which will greatly alter the lives of 4 people and probably more in lesser ways. You probably shouldn't be asking for advice from a bunch of people you've never met, even tho there are many awesome folks on here. There's just no way we can properly advise you on this since we have very little information and don't know both sides of the story. Opinions are like a**holes right?

I apologize if I'm sounding coldhearted or uncaring, as that is not the case. I think you need to get some professional help or at the very least sit down and talk with your family and lay out the options.

My prayers are with you. Please keep us posted as to how things progress.

 

[VanLifeCrisis]

Start with honest dialogue. They might not even realize your feelings or know how serious it is.

If you are the provider, then you ultimately should get to decide what to do about the mortgage but it affects your spouse too, so lay out options and tell them you want their thoughts (well..the spouse..the son doesn't need a say). If you spouse wants to keep it, then its time for someone besides you to contribute.

But even then you still might not be happy if you want to travel fulltime and truly retire, tell em.

 

[Bela's Mom]

Yes, communicating your thoughts and feelings with your wife is the first step. If you really want to retire, then she needs to know that so that she can decide if she is ready for the changes that go with that. You may be surprised; she may be ready for some changes also.

Please don't wait and be silent until you blow from the stress and make decisions that you will regret. Your happiness is very important, regardless of what you eventually decide to do. Talk now.

Best wishes to you.

 

[Zil]

Don't take a druggy on the road with you. Sell the house, rent an apartment, then with everyone housed, you move on.
If your SgOr has kept your house, cooked your meals, raised your babies, then SgOr has done as much as for you, if not more, then you did for SgOr.

 

[caseyc]

As the saying goes, if you keep doing the same thing, you will get the same results. At this point, you need to do something very different. That would be to make YOURSELF happy, instead of trying to make others happy. You're not really making them happy, by the way. They are simply "content" with the status quo, but I can't imagine your wife or kids actually happy. I'm guessing they are people who are naturally discontent and miserable in life. You cannot make others happy. I learned that the hard way myself. I've tried to make others happy in the past. Doesn't work. Those who are un-happy in life with eventually bring down those who are happy. You as a "happy" person cannot bring up an un-happy person. Again, I've tried more than once over the years. Doesn't work. Do yourself a favor with whatever years you have left to live on this planet. Un-chain yourself so you can be *more* happy in life. I get the feeling you are only half-way happy, you could be so much more happy just being on your own with no dependents. At your age, you don't need dependents. You're not supposed to have anymore dependents at this point in your life.

 

[Hereandthere]

Go for a walk or go by yourself for a coffee in a quiet place. Take a notepad and pen along. REach deep into your own thoughts and feelings.

(That said, if it were me, I'd sell and use that money.)

 

[wagoneer]

Jane is a mosaic artist works with children and does public projects here in San Francisco. She has no interest or knowledge of what money is and how to get it, only when she has none does it matter. She has lost a lot of girlfriends because of her in-discrepant spending habits. Basically a good person lacking basic survival skills. We got married 25 years ago this October on a street car. I know this is bothering her. I am not a prize but I am a survivor. We are not in an abusive relationship, right now it's like ships in the night passing and not seeing each other. I will be on the road all October driving some 4700 miles to Chicago and back. Some final time with my oldest (22 year) son. My younger son is 20.

 

[caseyc]

By the way, in case you don't know this. California is a "no-fault" state. What that means is either spouse can simply say I want a divorce due to "irreconcilable differences". You don't need to prove to a judge any merit for divorce whatsoever. Either spouse can file for a divorce and serve the other with divorce papers. Hopefully, your wife will agree to an un-contested divorce whereby both of you can amicably split up the assets/debts without suing each other. The process might take 6 months or so from the day divorce papers are submitted. When the process is fully completed, you will one day get a court document in the mail that says "Dissolution" granted on such and such date. That will be a happy day for you!! I find it slightly amusing that California court papers prefer to use the word "Dissolution" instead of divorce. Whatever?! As long as you get the same result, which is to rid yourself of any and all dependents.

Here are some useful information links to help you get on with your life:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irreconcilable_differences
http://www.courts.ca.gov/1224.htm
http://www.yelp.com/biz/divorce-centers-of-california-san-mateo?osq=cheap+divorce

 

[light trip]

How can any of us not respond to such a plight. The best advice I see here is to talk to a professional. Maybe your job has a counseling service. It doesn't have to be someone that charges $250 an hour. Everyone in your house should go, if not go yourself. They can offer you a perspective you may not know of.

I agree, it's just not possible for any of us to give "good advice" knowing just your side. But if true, it sounds has if your wife is as depended and has the same attitude as your son.

I was in a bad marriage decades ago. Not abusive in anyway, just not healthy. I tried as hard has I could and then filed for divorce. Several years later she approached me to try and get to gather again. So I tried, we started out slow. But I soon realized nothing had changed. Then ten or so years ago she phoned me yet again, but by then I had been happily married for years.

I wish her nothing but the best, but I also wish nothing but the best for myself as well.

Life events rarely turn out the way we plan, both in past and future. Now I wish the best for you also.

 

[caseyc]

It's important to look out for number 1. That number one is yourself. Why is it important? Cuz nobody else will. Simple as that.

As for getting counseling, my personal opinion on that is...forget it! You and your wife are BEYOND that...as in beyond hope. At your age(s), nobody will change, and you can't expect anyone else to want to change. Hence, it's a lost cause. There is no hope. When all hope is gone, that's when it's time to call it quits and move on. Moving on means happiness.

Been there, done that. Unfortunately, I've been there and done that more than once. More than twice even. I like learning the hard way, hah! I think I've finally learned my lesson though!

 

[HarmonicaBruce]

Not expecting anyone to pity me but what would you do?

I'd bail. You'd be doing them all a favor.

 

[decodancer]

I'm with Zil on this one. Sell the house, rent an apartment for your wife and go on the road. I don't think you owe the son anything but after 25 years you do owe your wife a safe home. She also has a right to part of the home sale both legally and morally. If she blows it and ends up on the street, it's through no fault of yours. I find it hard to believe that a marriage lasting 25 years can end without someone getting hurt. Can you remember the things you loved about her in the past and try to look at yourself through her eyes?

 

[RogueRV2]

I have to agree. It is time to move on. The stress is likely effecting your health, and we are not getting younger and stronger.

 

[wagoneer]

us before

 

[Fearnoevil]

Wow, great picture, you guys look like you are (or at least were, lol) very happy. Maybe you can be again, just in a different setting. Any reason why you couldn't sell the home and both hit the road? She may not be happy at first, especially if this lifestyle isn't anything she's given any serious thought to. Could take a couple of weeks or a month or two together to see if she can adapt, but then that lifestyle certainly isn't for everyone, and if ultimately she's miserable, then you may have to go with the big D.

I realize on one hand 25 years together is a lot to just throw away, especially if you're still happy on some level, but as others have said, you really only have an obligation to yourself in the end, that is you can't be responsible for someone elses happiness, not if it means sacrificing your own. Support, yes you owe her that, maybe take a chunk from the sale of the house and put it into a trust that only allows a monthly payment, just an idea to protect her from herself. Whatever happens, good luck and hope you make the right decision for you.
;?D

Also, rent your son a small apartment, paid up for 3-4 months, just long enough so he can get on his feet, and if he doesn't, well he'll have to stumble and fall and learn to pick himself up. As a dad I'm of the opinion that as much as we love our children and hate to see them suffer, more often than not it's a necessary part of growth, no pain no gain is as true a maxim as there ever was in those instances. But of course you'll always be there in the worst of circumstances, but learn to tell the difference and don't coddle him. Moral support and advice of course are always free of charge, (my daughter certainly knows that, lol).

---

P.S. Btw has anyone ever told you you look like Frank Zappa, lol.

 

[Ryannis]

I had a similar situation with my kid. Not yet 21, sleeping all day, out partying all night, not respecting our house, space or quiet hours, working part time and constantly forking over money to her. One day, I blew. That was it. Told it's time to grow up. We went, together, found a cheap apartment, I did co-sign the 6 month lease as she had zero credit. Paid a month and half worth, got her utilities turned with their deposits, gave her money for food and gas and said good luck. "You have a month and a half to find full time work to pay for this place, because if you don't, they WILL kick you out and you cannot move home." And I meant it. To this day, she still thanks me for doing that. Not only did she find a full time job within a week, but was the master of her own world, if you will. Yeah, it sucked, she didn't have much money left over after bills (welcome to adulthood), but she learned a ton of lessons. It was a tough love move that actually worked out.

As my sister put it to my other sister, 'She not only took her off the teet, she cut the teet off!!'.

As to the other, I like the suggestion to straight out say I'm selling this place and going fulltime RV'ing, and ask the wife to try it out. If it works, then there's something there. ?? And if it doesn't, there's your answer. At least YOU will be working towards making YOU happy. Wish you the very best of luck!!

 

[wagoneer]

Good one thanks...