GIRLS' ROOM: Thank you, RTR Women's meeting

[Karla]

A few weeks ago I visited the RTR and attended the women's meeting.  I'd like to thank everyone who was there for the single most empowering thing I've ever experienced.  I walked away feeling like I could survive anything--which is especially important right now as my husband has completely destroyed our marriage and I have to face the terrifying prospect of starting over with health problems and no money at age 58.  You ladies are my inspiration.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

[TrainChaser]

Get a good lawyer. And if you were married for at least 10-11 years, you can tap his Social Security at 62.

 

[Txjaybird]

What TrainChaser said.......also if a divorced/widowed spouse is between 50 & 60 and has not remarried and becames disabled they can apply as early as 50ys.....unless something has changed with SSA rules.

My Best To You


Jewellann

 

[Queen]

Welcome, Karla!! So glad you found some strength for the RTR gals, this place is chock full of strong capable women. Join in and figure it all out with the support here.

 

[Theadyn]

Hi and Welcome!!

 

[Suanne]

Karla, Your post warms my heart. I too am amazed and grateful to be surrounded by "vandwelling" women who are so honest, vulnerable, strong and encouraging. Please keep knowing that you are one of us as you go through this challenging time. I look forward to seeing you at many more RTRs to come! Suanne

 

[Karla]

Get a good lawyer.  And if you were married for at least 10-11 years, you can tap his Social Security at 62.

Unfortunately it's only been 6 years.    But so far I think I've got a pretty good lawyer.

 

[Karla]

Today my lawyer's secretary is starting on the paperwork. Lawyer is out of town (family emergency) so I can't talk to him until next week, but I don't think there's that much to work out. Today I start packing, weeding out books. That's the hardest part, the books. They're heavy and they take up space, but some I just can't part with. I'll be moving from AZ to the SF Bay area where one of my kids lives. But she shares a house with 4 other people, so I may be living in my car in their driveway. At least my 2 small dogs will have a yard to run in. I'll also be camping one or two nights on the way.

 

[DrJean]

The disability clause only counts for a SSDI applicable disability (whatever that is). I have been permanent total for 30 years yet could not draw on the SSI as disabled because I didn't qualify for SSDI on my own, regardless at which at and that I am disabled re government.

It's not a good system.

Good wishes... see if the judge can order automatic withdrawal from his paycheck (at which he will change jobs and pretend he doesn't work)... mine never paid and owes me over $40 k.... never to pay up.

 

[Karla]

Things are dragging along.  My lawyer filed a couple of weeks ago (Valentines Day -- how ironic is that?  Doubly so, in that it was the 7th anniversary of his official proposal).  I'm still stuck in the house with the soon-to-be-ex, because he's dragging his feet on providing financial information for my lawyer to be able to negotiate temporary maintenance income and the settlement.  If this keeps up I'm going to have to rent a storage unit and live in my car until the lawyer gets it straightened out.  I just watched the two "Living in an SUV on $250 a month" videos.  Thank you, Lisa and Bob!  I've got two dogs, but they're both Yorkie mixes and I think I can make it work.  Has anybody ever stealth camped in Flagstaff in late winter/early spring?  I'm moving there temporarily because once I have a verifiable income I can get an apartment with my son, who's already there in school.  Then I'll probably move on to the Bay area or somewhere in CA, anyway.  But in the meantime I may need your advice on things like not freezing in a CR-V.  It gets freakin' cold at 7,000 ft.!

 

[TrainChaser]

Don't be in too much of a hurry to leave where you're living, as long as he's paying the rent/mtg.

Temps are running 57F nights & 80F days in Ehrenberg, AZ, right now. Free camping along the river.

 

[DrJean]

If you own where you're living, don't move out, make him move out. Gives you more clout to bargain. If you are renting and your name is on the lease, don't move out. He can abscond, make you pay back rent and he ruins the place so you don't get the upfront money.

 

[Karla]

My name is on the house.  It will be sold and the equity split.  I'm counting on that money to get on my feet.

 

[gcal]

Can you get with a temp agency and go back to work? Even if it is temporary, a paycheck with your name on it is more reliable than charity from a resentful soon-to-ex hubby. Then, when the house sells, you can make your own choices free of interference from anyone.

 

[Almost There]

In some cases, no pay check is better than a temp job one. If you have enough medical problems to warrant disability claims and your lawyer feels you might be entitled to some spousal support (particularly until the house sells, which is a variable term item), then taking a job could endanger both of those.

Get some advice from your lawyer on this one, please!

 

[gcal]

I saw something about health issues, but nothing about her being disabled. Without a disability being involved, I would much rather depend  on my own paycheck than on a check from a man I did not like, anymore. She will have to put herself out there, sooner or later. I know that she has thought of some temporary options with her children. But moving in with a daughter who already has 4 roommates or with a son who is going to school and will want to have his own life isn't going to last. Unless she has a government-approved disability, she will need to find a way to be independent. Sooner is better than later so she can build up her own SS benefits.

 

[Almost There]

I agree Gcal, but there are too many unknowns for us to give her any advice one way or another, that's why I recommended advice from her lawyer on this one.

 

[Txjaybird]

Things are dragging along.  My lawyer filed a couple of weeks ago (Valentines Day -- how ironic is that?  Doubly so, in that it was the 7th anniversary of his official proposal).  I'm still stuck in the house with the soon-to-be-ex, because he's dragging his feet on providing financial information for my lawyer to be able to negotiate temporary maintenance income and the settlement.  If this keeps up I'm going to have to rent a storage unit and live in my car until the lawyer gets it straightened out.  I just watched the two "Living in an SUV on $250 a month" videos.  Thank you, Lisa and Bob!  I've got two dogs, but they're both Yorkie mixes and I think I can make it work.  Has anybody ever stealth camped in Flagstaff in late winter/early spring?  I'm moving there temporarily because once I have a verifiable income I can get an apartment with my son, who's already there in school.  Then I'll probably move on to the Bay area or somewhere in CA, anyway.  But in the meantime I may need your advice on things like not freezing in a CR-V.  It gets freakin' cold at 7,000 ft.!

 Maybe if you become really hard to live with.......He'll gladly stop dragging his feet and do whatever is neccesary to move things along.    Good luck with everything.

Jewellann

 

[TrainChaser]

Karla: "My name is on the house. It will be sold and the equity split. I'm counting on that money to get on my feet."

DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE! If he trashes it, lets someone else move in and they trash it, or it burns down, you're dead in the water.

BTW, you're not still cooking and cleaning for him, are you? Hope not.

 

[Karla]

I don't mind answering questions. About the house: He won't trash it because he'd be hurting himself. He needs the money from the sale, because he's not going to cut back on his lifestyle ever. He's planning on moving to near where his son lives in Texas once it sells. Yes, I'm still cooking here and there, to keep the peace. My nerves can't handle the alternative.

My health issues are complex. I've had essential tremor my whole life. It's always just been annoying; over the last year it's become debilitating--on bad days I can barely feed myself. But stress is obviously a factor, and I think once I'm out of the house that situation will improve. I think some of my digestive ailments will also improve. I have microscopic colitis and FODMAP-sensitive IBS (google it). My diet is severely restricted, and I frequently have to make emergency runs to the bathroom. There's an upper G/I problem with symptoms similar to an ulcer, but I've been tested 9 ways to Sunday and they can't find anything to explain it. And then there's my feet. I have osteoarthritis in my feet, mostly in the base of the big toe. It was limiting my activity somewhat, so I followed my PCP's advice and let the local podiatrist do a joint replacement. BIG MISTAKE!!! My foot ended up worse than before. So I did what the malpractice attorney's website said and gave the doc a chance to fix it. He messed it up worse. Now I walk like Fred Sanford, and if I have to walk farther than once around the grocery store I need a cane. I'm going to sue. I've called one malpractice attorney (the one with the website mentioned above) but he hasn't called me back so I'm going to contact a few more.

My divorce lawyer has suggested applying for disability, and I intend to do that, but he says it takes an average of three years. I'm planning on moving to California in a year or a year and a half, whenever my son graduates and moves on, and that will probably mess up the process. BUT if I can get the G/I stuff under control where I don't have to go running out of the classroom to the bathroom I'm quietly working on a TESOL certificate. I have a BA in Interdisciplinary Studies (new name for Liberal Arts). Should be able to get a job in CA with a TESOL down the road. My lawyer is filing temporary orders for support this week. I don't have any way of knowing right now how much I'll get. If it's not enough to get an apartment right away, I'm seriously looking at getting a small storage unit in Flagstaff for 90% of my stuff and just living in the car temporarily. My son is okay where he is until I get situated.