Elder Care Issues

[anewbiewannabe]

I was raised in an environment where we took care of the older generations, but it was the whole family participating when I was young. I started taking care of my elders in my 20s. First I was expected by everyone in the family to stop my life and take care of my grandmother since I was the only single person and also the one with the closest relationship to her. Then I took care of my mom and my dad while my mom was dying, then I had some time just raising my daughter before I took care of my dad. I wasn't dealing with dementia or alzheimers though. Then I took care of my husband, whose disease affected his mind. As my health deteriorates I will do everything in my power to keep my daughter from having to take care of me during the what should be the best years of her life. I've made it clear to her that if my mind goes, no matter what I say then, I don't want her to stop her life to take care of me and it would be best for us both if she just finds a decent facility for me to live in. I don't regret taking care of my elders and I would do it again, but I do regret what it cost me.

 

[my_vantasy]

My situation was a little different, but my mother was diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer. The medical professionals told her she had "a few weeks to a few months" to live. I quit my jobs and moved in with her. I was her 24/7 caregiver. Initially, it was easy, but within weeks her condition deteriorated to the point that I did not have the skill set to care for her. Before we could make other arrangements, her health became so poor that Hospice moved her into their care center. She passed away the next day.

Many have told me how much they admire my dedication to her. I know that she had excellent care in her own home. When she was hungry, I brought her what she wanted to eat. When she was thirsty, I took her a drink. She had immediate access to her pain medicine, the bathroom, telephone...if she had been in a long term care facility, she would have waited for an available aide to assist her.

Like others have said, I don't want or expect my sons to care for me. I'm putting some cash in an envelope for them to use until Medicaid would cover a care facility. I'm also downsizing all of my belongings and organizing important documents. Settling a disorganized estate is a whole other emotional, stressful situation.

 

[ttpadilla]

As I mentioned somewhere else, I have worked as a caregiver for the elderly for over two years, and it is a difficult job even when you get to go home at the end of your shift. For those who feel they want to stay with their aging parents, and care for them, I absolutely have the utmost respect for you. However, not everyone is built for that kind of caregiving. And with family dynamics what they can be, it's many times not healthy (for either party), for a child to become parent, to its parent(s). I have seen so many people sacrifice their freedom, the retirement they've been working toward, and saving for all their lives, and be absolutely miserable, and it makes me sad. I have also seen others who are consumed by guilt because they've decided to put their parent in a facility. It's another kind of waste, in my opinion.

I worked in a elderly woman's home as a part time, respite caregiver, until the time that the family member with whom she lived, simply had to get on with her own life. I followed her to an Adult Foster Home, because i adore her, and wanted her to have someone in her new place with whom she would be familiar. Every member of her family suspected that she would wither away with grief and die, within a few weeks, and they felt so much guilt over the move. She had already been on hospice for a year and a half, and just kept hanging on. She actually blossomed in the facility. Rather than demanding to stay in bed all day (other than toileting), skipping breakfast, and sleeping until noon, she began to rise (and stay out of bed!) early, read the paper, have coffee and breakfast with the other residents, and socialize a little (as much as dementia allowed). We've been there 5 months, and she's still hanging tough.

I guess my only point is, I know that it's a really hard job. If it's something you want to do, at least get a solid break once in a while. And if it's something that just makes you crazy, and maybe makes your parent a bit crazy too, let go of the guilt, and find a solution that works for both of you. Either way, there are a lot of people here who know what you're going through, and support you in whatever decision you feel is best.

 

[GotSmart]

My situation was a little different, but my mother was diagnosed with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer.  The medical professionals told her she had "a few weeks to a few months" to live.  I quit my jobs and moved in with her.  I was her 24/7 caregiver. Initially, it was easy, but within weeks her condition deteriorated to the point that I did not have the skill set to care for her. Before we could make other arrangements, her health became so poor that Hospice moved her into their care center. She passed away the next day.

Many have told me how much they admire my dedication to her.  I know that she had excellent care in her own home.  When she was hungry, I brought her what she wanted to eat.  When she was thirsty, I took her a drink.  She had immediate access to her pain medicine, the bathroom, telephone...if she had been in a long term care facility, she would have waited for an available aide to assist her.

Like others have said, I don't want or expect my sons to care for me.  I'm putting some cash in an envelope for them to use until Medicaid would cover a care facility.  I'm also downsizing all of my belongings and organizing important documents.  Settling a disorganized estate is a whole other emotional, stressful situation.

From my experience, 

My mother went into a care facility.  The government seized her property to cover the bill.  (A home in the Napa Valley)  So what if she paid taxes her whole life.  Look into what you an do now to protect your assets from the government.  Not sure who you wouldgalities.   talk about the le

 

[cyndi]

Not sure who you talk about the legalities.   

BTDT. A lawyer who specializes in elder law can help you plan for future needs.

 

[GotSmart]

BTDT. A lawyer who specializes in elder law can help you plan for future needs.

Definitely a must!  

I was having a brain fart on the last post. Lawyer!  

 

[HarmonicaBruce]

I'm opening this so that we have a place to talk about all the stuff that's inherent in taking care, whether full time or not, of our aging parents.

Good idea, but this is not the forum for that.  My post wasn't deleted, but if other posters posted things that might be judgemental directed at me, it doesn't bother me.  It's an emotional and difficult subject.  I do have extensive experience in this area, first with my father and now with my mother, and I will be happy to answer anyone's questions, but not on this forum.  My email is [email protected].  I'll add one more thing, the worse mistake my father made was contacting a lawyer.  He did it to prevent problems, but one lawyer requires another, and another, and it never ends until all the money is gone.  We've gone through about a dozen so far, and counting.  Some of them charge $250 / hour.  I'm not speaking second hand, this is my personal experience I'm talking about.  This is a wonderful forum, for discussing how to insulate your van or install solar panels. 

 

[cyndi]

YMMV.
This absolutely IS the forum to discuss care-giving, if you choose. There are forums dedicated to the subject. But none of them fit my circumstances. This forum does. We're travelers staying put to help our loved ones.

The lawyer our family contracted saved my parents' house and many assets. Due diligence is required. Get references from people you know or contact the local Counsel on Aging/Senior Center. Consultations are generally free. If you're not *feeling* the lawyer, go someplace else. And do it now! Timing is am issue

 

[cyndi]

we gotta laugh, right?

I'm so fortunate because I have sisters with whom I can commiserate.  Anyways, Mom can only attack one of us at a time so the other siblings are always ready to make us smile again. 

I'm staying next door to be close enough to help Mom if she needs it and to keep an eye on her. Because I've stolen her GD double boiler and punch bowl she would not dream of calling me, for most things. She'll call my sister at work or in the middle of the night and then my sister calls me. Unless, it has to do with her toilet. Oh yes! The only time she's called me in the last two years is when the toilet was overflowing and wouldn't stop running or when she found a snake in her toilet. both times, I was thrilled to save the day.

Mom has a list of things that have disappeared (not really) and with the list (which we throw out, every week, hoping she'll forget) there is a name and oneor maybe several stories attached.

These are her mainstays for accusations.
Me - I've taken the double boiler and a christmas punch bowl set (just what everyone needs for their mobile lifestyle, right?) there are 3 different stories that my Mom remembers vividly as having occurred.

My sister Andrea - toenail clippers (yes, that's right! We all want to borrow someone else's toenail clippers, right?) three different stories, here. Andrea took them, One of her son's borrowed them. Or Andrea threw them away.

My sister Deb - Deb is with holding medical information 

The experts say to redirect an elder with dementia or Alzheimers. So, when my mother gets on one of her tears and one of us calls the other to commiserate. We tell each other to shove the other sister under the bus by asking Mom about one of the *missing articles* or what the doctor said.

We would never really do this to each other. 

The other day, my sister Deb took my Mom to run some errands and one of them was to check Mom's safety deposit box. When they got there there was quite a surprise. Deb asked me to guess what was in the box. My answer: that GD double boiler. Deb laughed until she cried.

One of my Dad's diamond rings was in the box. The same one that my mom had accused any staff from any nursing home, hospital, rehab or home health service my Dad had been within 10' over the last 7 years.  We'll be apologizing to everyone in a 20 mile radius for years to come. 

There's some jokes here https://www.caring.com/support-groups/caregiver-humor/31861db5
and a couple of good stories  here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marie-marley/dementia_b_1548683.html?

I'm on the run and can't get this picture smaller. I'll edit when I get home.

 

[Almost There]

I love it. Oh for a family like yours!!

I know we shouldn't be laughing at the misfortunes caused by a senior and their dementia but you have to admit, it is funny....

You are ever so lucky to have sisters that will not only help out but are there for you!

I have the exact opposite circumstances.

I have two brothers each with spouses (I'm single). One couple call mom once a month and take her for dinner twice a year (maybe). They live 30 minutes away but are snowbirds so they're gone for six months each year. The other couple live 10 minutes from Mom and while they're available for emergencies, do as little as they possibly can to assist. My brother does home repairs for her if they're something I can't handle or don't have the correct tools for. His wife uses her computer to pay moms' bills online and will pick up soda for her when she's out but don't ask for a special run. They visit or have mom to their place for dinner maybe 6 times a year and only occasionally bring her home cooked food.

I live 2 hours away and do the 4 hour round trip to do housework, laundry and shopping every second week because the government controlled home care only allows 2 hours every second week. In case of hospital stays it falls on me to be there all day every day to ensure that she gets the care she needs.

 

[cyndi]

I know how blessed I am, believe me! I have 5 siblings. No one lives closer than 45 minutes, except me.
My mother has cut my brother out of her life. My oldest sister and I walk a very thin line. My oldest sister visits maybe twice a month.

My youngest sister lives in Cali.

I have two sisters that walk on water in Mom's eyes. We tease them about this gift and they offer to trade places, anytime.

My sister Deb handles the financial and medical stuff. She comes close to go under periodically. She lives a half an hour away.

My sister Andrea lives almost two hours away and she is the apple of my mother's eye. She gets down for an over night as frequently as she can.

Both of my walking on water sisters are going through really difficult times, personally. It freaking sucks that my mother won't let me carry some of their load.

I knew when I decided to spend the winter here that it was more for my siblings than my mother. It gives them some peace of mind to know I am close. Plus, anytime there's a problem with the toilet, they know I am on top of it!

I feel for you AT, for sure. Family dynamics are nuts. Even within ours; resentment brews, criticism divides. Mostly, though, we support each other as much as we can. And with the exception of one, there is no judgement.

 

[Bela's Mom]

Thanks for the laughs, Cyndi!  Too funny!

I have decided to stay as I had a talk with my parents and my father apologized for his behavior, said that he loved me and doesn't want me to go, and that he would try to do better.  My mother said that even though the doctors can't find anything wrong with him other than what just comes with age, he still thinks he is going to have a heart attack.  I feel sorry for him that he lives in such fear all of the time.  His father died of heart disease at 49 years old, however, my father has survived quadruple bypass, brain surgery for clot removal, and is 86 years old.

My mother was the caretaker of members of both sides of the family.  My brother was severely brain damaged and died when he was 8 years old.  So I have some experience also with family members in the home who need care from others.  I would not trade that experience for anything, however, it can be trying at times.

I'm also lucky in that I have a sister who will help, however, she is 3 hours away.  But she is coming tomorrow to take our parents to her home for a week so that I can go to the beach for a little R&R.  

Thank you all for sharing your stories.  This thread came at a time when I needed to hear from others.  Imagine that!

 

[anewbiewannabe]

Nothing like seeing a snake in the toilet before I even finish my first cup of coffee!!! LOL

Sometimes you have to laugh just to relieve some of the pressure. Family dynamics can go really wonky even in the usually easy-going families when an elder is ill or when they pass. My cousins with money went in and took what they wanted after my grandma passed---the ones that never visited her. My dad's next wife kept my mother's things because he wanted to keep them with him as long as possible so wouldn't part with them while he was alive. Nobody could take away my memories though. :heart:

Unlike many, what I see here is people who care and are doing their best. We each have to find our own answers because nobody else has exactly the same situation, but it's nice to be able to share sometimes with people who have more in common than just elder care. It can be hard to find the balance between taking care of others and taking care of ourselves. The bigger the support system the easier it is---that's what I found at least.

This traveler has stayed put for others for so long that having others lighting the way to get on the path is a great gift. Knowing that others have had/are having similar situations makes me feel less alone in my desires. Makes me feel that I can do it. Thank you.