Elder Care Issues

[Almost There]

I'm opening this so that we have a place to talk about all the stuff that's inherent in taking care, whether full time or not, of our aging parents.


Me first I guess...

My mom is 88, lives in her own apartment and tries to tell everyone that she is living independently. I keep threatening sarcastically to take away all her support staff just to show her how NOT independently she's living. Truthfully, she belongs in assisted living but absolutely refuses to go and with Ontario's system of healthcare and living facilities she'd never get in one now anyways. The wait list can be years long. Well, there is one way in to one, that's by falling and breaking something so that the doctor refuses to release her to her own care.

She is a prime example of longer living through drugs. I think the last time I counted she was on 16 or so different medications. She's housebound through her own lack of desire to go out and is totally isolated except for her various homecare staff,my one brother, his wife and myself.

Our home care provider that is partially funded through our universal health care program will only allow 2 hours every two weeks for housework. That doesn't get laundry, groceries and weekly cleaning done so I've been it. I do a 4 hour round trip drive every second week...sigh.

After a major blowup with her - which is another story in itself, she threatened to replace me with hired staff. I realized on the drive home in tears that it would be the best thing for both of us. I'm constantly nagging at her in regards to her diet (disgusting), her personal hygiene (also disgusting), and her lack of exercise (nil, nada, zip). I'm also past the age where I can retire and am only hanging on here through Canadian winters so that I can do her chores that could well be done by someone else.

Soooo, this fall, I'm outta here. No more snowy, cold, Canadian winters for this one. I have a whole continent to explore and I doubt I'll get it done unless I live to be 150. I also need to be out walking/hiking/paddling every day for my own healths' sake.

 

[Bela's Mom]

Funny that you brought this up today as I am in a similar situation.  I moved in with my elderly parents a few years ago.  They have both had health issues and do not drive any longer.  Mother still cooks, helps clean the house and does whatever project she wants to do.  Dad does nothing but complain and get mad at me if I have plans and cannot be at his beck and call.  I take them everywhere they want to go which is almost everyday but sometimes I ask that them to go on a different day if I have some chores that I need to do.  They have always been controlling and I have found myself back in the same old family dynamics we used to live in.

While my father has had some serious health issues in the past, he is doing fine according to all of his doctors.  However, in the past six months he has been to the emergency room several times, only to be sent home because they could find nothing wrong with him.  Last night was the same thing but he jumped all over me before we went, accusing me of not wanting to take him, which was not true. When we got home, I told them I was moving out because I was tired of doing everything I could for them and getting shite back.  While I know that this is the best thing for my own health, I hate that it has turned out this way.  But maybe if my father has to find someone else to jump when he calls, he might appreciate what people do for him.  I hate it for my mother who will have to do everything herself.

I'm so torn up right now I cannot write anymore.  Thanks for listening.

 

[Almost There]

Bela's Mom, take a deep breath. Know that you're absolutely doing the right thing. I liken it to the emergency measures they teach on an airplane. Put your own oxygen mask on (take care of yourself first) and then deal with the ones' beside you that need help (your parents).

Instead of a regular GP for a doctor have you considered trying to get him in to see a Gerontologist. They have special skills in medicating and caring for the elderly.

I was dismayed when I moved back to Ontario from being mostly based out of Florida. There, if you're over 65 and have multiple health issues you can actually use a Gerontologist as your primary care physician.

Y'all don't want to get me started in universal health care but ours has been so shortsighted about the aging population that there are only 7 board certified gerontologists in the whole province, 6 of which work in the largest city. I was ever so lucky that there is the one remaining one is in mom's home town. It took me 6 months to get her in to see him but it's been well worth it.

We need a hug smilie so this will have to do in the meantime... :heart:

 

[Almost There]

If you haven't walked a mile in our shoes, maybe you need to take your bad karma someplace else!

Personally, I'm doing what I'm planning so that I WON'T be taking the big dirt nap any earlier than necessary. My own health is starting to suffer. Mother is almost entirely responsible for her own poor health and inability to do things.

I'm not abandoning her completely...but I am arranging for professionals to do what she doesn't want to do for herself.

If nothing else, dealing with her issues has taught me that I will never, ever put my sons in the same place I have been put in. I am going to do everything in my power to make sure that I stay healthy for as long as possible and when I can no longer look after myself by myself, I will make arrangements to be cared for. My kids will never have to clean up shit and pee off the floor and the bed because of me, I swear!

And I will now go away from this screen until my own bp goes back to normal!!

 

[Bela's Mom]

Mr.LooRead, you're right that I will feel guilty.  I have been the family scapegoat all of my life and bought into that role for many years.  Then I decided to get well.  Now I feel like I am back in that role.

They don't need me.  They have money to hire help for whatever they need.  The taxi might get a bit expensive though.

Almost There-Dad has specialists for everything that he has had wrong in the past.  In fact, I took him to the neurologist three days ago.....all tests were fine.  Cardiologist yesterday....all tests came out fine.  All the tests done at the hospital last night.....no problem.

He was an only child and spoiled by all of the women in the family, including my mother.  That wouldn't be such a problem if he was a bit thankful....but he acts demanding, entitled and is belittling.  My sister has tried to get them to move closer to her where the rest of the family is so that they can help but they don't want to.
 I'm tired.

 

[Wabbit]

No one that matters would judge any of you for decisions that are based on needing to take care of yourself. I hope both of you and any in your positions are able to make the right choices for yourself. There is no abandonment issues here, that is a fact. If someone says there is, feel pity for them because they are still caught up in a lifetime of bad programming. If anyone feels that it is OK to use guilt as a manipulation tool, they are wrong. I would suggest they look into what guilt is, why it is used, and understand just how ugly it actually is. Guilt is all based on judgment. Best of luck to both of you.

 

[Wabbit]

Mr.LooRead, that is not what I said at all. I stated there was no abandonment issues. And there isn't. Take care.

 

[SoulRaven]

Both of my parents are gone now, but I had to distance myself from the situation because it wasn't a good one, and I couldn't really provide everything they needed anyway.

In the end, it was for the better all the way around and we had a better relationship when I wasn't trying to be their caregiver.

 

[HarmonicaBruce]

My father died last August at 90.  Mom is 85 and has alzheimers.  To anyone who asks, I recommend getting your aging parents into a nursing home asap.  My brother and sister were "caring" for my parents, I had to get court orders to get them out of the house.  My brother needed a sheriff to remove him.  I've been taking care of them since 2005.  It doesn't do them any good, and it especially doesn't do their child who's caring for them any good to keep them in the house and care for them.  I have professionals caring for my mom, in her home, and I can see now how much better they are than my brother and sister were.  They have experience and know what they're doing.

I don't care what happens to me, I will NEVER have someone wipe my ass for me, I'll blow my brains out first.  I told my son that I don't expect him to take care of me.  My parents never knew what it was like caring for aging parents.  It's wrong, and selfish for them to expect their children to care for them.  This is the last winter I'll be here.

 

[Terry]

Anyone that tries to make you feel guilty about doing what you need to do to keep your sanity, health and happiness should have to take over the thankless jobs for you. Don't sacrifice yourself for anyone that doesn't appreciate your efforts. The job of caretaker is hard enough as it is so don't fight with someone to get them to let you help them. I offered to help my mother and she turned me down till I got myself into a position where I couldn't help. Sorry for her. She wanted my brother to take care of her so I let them work things out while I made the trip every two weeks to see and visit with her. My wife was another matter. She loved me as much as I loved her and I took care of her for over six years. Two of them in a wheel chair and the last four plus years as a home hospice patient. When my back got to weak to lift her and get her onto a potty chair, I cut a hole in the ceiling and installed an electric winch that I could use to lift her and get the potty chair underneath her. She was never put in the position to have to mess on herself or anything else. She died in the bed, next to me.

 

[akrvbob]

There were some very judgmental posts in this thread and I deleted them all.

Unless you can walk on water, you don't get to throw stones here.

Some posts won't make sense because I deleted the quotes from the negative posts.

I hate doing stuff like this, but it just won't be tolerated. These are such difficult and personal decisions, no one gets to judge another for what they do.
Bob

 

[Bela's Mom]

I don't know if I will leave or not.  This thread caught me at a very vulnerable moment, physically and emotionally drained.  But thanks to everyone who demonstrated some empathy.  

I feel very sick at heart.  Hopefully tomorrow will bring some clarity after I have had some rest.

 

[LeeRevell]

I can understand the feelings being written of here. My Father and I had it out several years ago, he had always been verbally and mentally abusive to me and my sister. We finally had 'the words that can't be taken back', and I walked out of their home, considering myself no longer welcome. He had accused me of things blatantly untrue.
Then, nearly two years ago, he went into the hospital for a quad bypass. He aced it, but it turned out he had only half of one lung working, and he couldn't recover. He suffered a stoke soon after. Mom talked me into visiting him at the hospital, and we finally made amends and reconciled. A week later he died. He was just shy of 80 years old. He'd always been a cantankerous cuss, and highly independent. But the state of his yard and the family vehicles told me how he'd slowed down those last few years.
Mom is also the independent sort, but his death hit her hard. So, I now have been helping her around the house and yard, driving her t her medical appointments and shopping. She was in a wheelchair and weak at first. Once the grief abated, I got her eating better, and she began walking and doing a bit of housework to keep busy. She progressed to using a walker and is now using a cane to get around any distance, and doesn't need it in the home. She is driving herself to places a short easy distance, and goes to an exercise class for elderly folks. She just turned 79 this January. She does suffer from emphysema and related issues, and is on many prescription meds. Since I am also on a few, I had her transfer her pharmacy to mine, and we go there together for our meds and to shop for groceries. It's also close enough she can drive. I currently spend about three days a week with her. She is mentally good, physically still weak with little stamina, but a LOT better than two years ago! I have helped her with her papers, accounts, etc. My sister helps sometimes, but not nearly what I do, but then she still works at one of the hospitals and I am retired. We will split the inheritance, though my sister will get the property - partly Dad's wish and partly my choice - SHE will have the fun of dealing with the tax issues on that property.
I already got Dad's van, guns and tools. I also got an account he had that I had been paying into, as he fronted the money for my property years back so I have no mortgage. I was paying him back each month. That money came back to me.
Mom has shown me where the important documents are, and sister and I are listed on all bank accounts. That money automatically comes to us when Mom passes.
I know that time is coming sooner or later. I dread it. But we will let Mom live on her own terms as long as possible.
Mom has a signed 'living will' as she wants no 'heroic measures' taken when the time comes. So she is good with all that, and is doing well so far.

 

[cyndi]

Thanks for starting this thread. And thank you everyone, for sharing your experience and show of support.

I don't even know where to start with my Mom. I stayed here, through the winter, to help. In her dementia she's decided that I do all kinds of things to make her feel crazy and to make her dependent on me.

I don't live with her, but next door. I rent a room so I can be close, just in case she needs me. I can keep an eye on her from here and not stress her out.

My Mom and i were always so close. I live just a mile down the road until 2007.for 25 years. We did everything, together. When she and my Dad traveled I took care of their home and dogs. When one of my parents were hospitalized I made sure the other had everything they needed. I don't know how she got everything turned around in her mind.

I am fortunate to have sisters that do as much as they can. Both still work and have familial responsibilities. Everyone lives at least a half an hour away.

Like Almost There, my son will never be made to feel the emotions these circumstances have forced upon me, my sisters and my brother.

I have to remind myself all day long, that's not my mom giving me those horrible, hateful looks. That's not my mom accusing meof stealing her double boiler or punch bowl ( REALLY!!! AS IF!!!) It's the disease.

I love my Mom, but this is living hell. I know, though, that in her moments of clarity this has to be hell for her, too.

Thanks, again.

 

[Almost There]

Cyndi, maybe it's time to reach out to the professionals. It sounds like your mom is suffering from at least the beginnings of dementia. Professional workers can help you with preparing mom for the inevitable move to a facility that can care for her. Dementia and alzheimers can be harder on the caregiver than on the parent and they actually do better in a residence than with family caring for them.

There is help out there for her (and you). Start with her GP and work your way up from there until you get the help you need.

My mom passes all her cognitive and memory tests every six months at the gerontologists. However, what he doesn't and can't test for is her ability to make rational and wise decisions for herself. Because she passes the tests, she's considered to be in control of her faculties and can not be forced into residential care. Not that I think that someone of right mind should be put in care facilities but it means that we have no way of protecting her from herself.

I knew there was a few of us around here with eldercare responsibilities, I just never realized how many.

We all need big hugs.

 

[cyndi]

Thanks, AT. My sister handles all my Mom's medical stuff. There's no doubt we are moving towards that. She's safe at home for now. And that's where she wants to be and where we would like her to be for as long as she is safe.

We put it off because when that happens she is going to cut off relations with all of us. She's already disowned my brother. I'm next on the list and walking on thin ice, every day that damned double boiler doesn't magically appear.

 

[Almost There]

Thanks, AT. My sister handles all my Mom's medical stuff. There's no doubt we are moving towards that. She's safe at home for now. And that's where she wants to be and where we would like her to be for as long as she is safe.

We put it off  because when that happens she is going to cut off relations with all of us. She's already disowned my brother. I'm next on the list and walking on thin ice, every day that damned double boiler doesn't magically appear.

I wish moms' double boiler would disappear, the darn thing is disgusting and shouldn't be cooked in ever again. Hey, maybe I can ship you hers' - do you think your mom would notice.... Nah, it's not fit for re-gifting.

And I get in trouble for removing all the floor mats in moms' apartment because the cat was peeing on them. There's nothing wrong with the cat btw, she's reacting to the trail of pee drips from mom not changing her pad often enough..sigh!

Somedays we all just have to accept that we're damned if we do and damned if we don't.

 

[bigsallysmom]

I feel for anyone who has to care for an aging parent. It's certainly not easy and y'all are to be commended.

 

[GotSmart]

My 2 cents worth.

In situations such as parents that are past the age of "reason" it is necessary to step back and have professionals help.

I have worked in ALF (Assisted living facility) and the care that was given to my "boys" (Men that never had the mental facilities to live on their own) is like I gave my own babies and children.

That will give you enough time to regain your sanity and heal all personal hurt feelings.

They took care of you to the best of their ability, and now it is your turn to realize where your ability ends, and you need help.

I just hope my children have enough love to be able to ask like you did.

There is no shame in asking for help in this situation. Mom will get over it.

 

[SoulRaven]

I watched my mother care for my Grandfather and his dementia for 3 years. My brother, me and both of our wives, or ex-wives, tried to give her a break but she never seemed to relax all those years. We talked her in to putting him in a care facility (This was quite a while ago) and she managed a month. It hurt her too much to see him 'lost' around strangers. She brought him back home. 

To all of you who help in this sort of situation, you should get a medal. You won't.. But you have my admiration. Take Care.