Anyone go through what I'm going through now?

[JuliaAnne2018]

A couple of months ago, before I left my apartment to go on this adventure, it seemed like a good idea for me to do this. I was excited about it after all that i've been going through lately. I needed something to look forward to. 

However, I sometimes get depressed when I think about how lost I feel right now. My identity was based on having a permanent place to live, and now I don't even know what to tell people when they ask where I live.

 I already had two people ask if I was homeless. I'm not even full time yet and my "house" won't be ready for a couple of weeks, so I do go places during the day and only slept outside once so far and already feel lost. I'm doubting that this is for me now and wondering if I'm even cut out for this. 

I already made the decision, so I am going with it. However, I haven't told to many people for fear of their reactions and so on. I feel strange and different and extremely abnormal. 

I can't even seem to put into words how I feel right now. I guess you can say I'm "homeless by choice" right now but still homeless nonetheless, but I lie and tell people I'm not. (I do have places to stay but no permanent address.)

My fear of being homeless has a lot to do with the stigma society has placed on homeless people I think. I never thought I would become one of them even if I did choose this and wasn't exactly forced to do this.

 

[John61CT]

Is a turtle homeless? No, carries his home, wherever he may roam.

I choose to be free of being tied down, free of rent, have more money to **enjoy** life, free to travel and have adventures meet new people.

Above may not match how you feel these days.

It may just be what you tell people to make yourself feel better, so they don't pity you.

Are you in fact doing this out of economic necessity?

If so, the alternative is own that, be honest. You're doing the best you can, the situation is temporary, you'll fight your way back to being a respectable S&B citizen soon as you can.

Either way, there is no reason to let voluntarily let people know your personal living situation. None of their business, unless you feel like sharing for some reason.

Especially people connected to how you make your living, don't let their prejudices affect your rice bowl.

 

[JuliaAnne2018]

Is a turtle homeless? No, carries his home, wherever he may roam.

It may just be what you tell people to make yourself feel better, so they don't pity you.

Are you in fact doing this out of economic necessity?

You're doing the best you can, the situation is temporary...

Especially people connected to how you make your living, don't let their prejudices affect your rice bowl.

I selected the lines of your response that most invoked mixed reactions in me. I like the analogy of a turtle. That does make me feel a little better. LOL I certainly do not want people to pity me, and as far as "economic necessity." I don't know -- yes and no. I could have muttled my way through it all and still kept my apartment.

But I would have probably had to keep working 50-60 hours per week to do it. And I don't want to just work all the time, especially since I became a writer so I could possibly have the freedom to travel, which I finally am able to do after a decade.

I have a lot of limitations as far as not going very far, but yes at least I'm free or so I felt two days ago. My first night outside went well. Perfect weather in the 50s so not much heat source needed (just a blanket even with window cracked for ventilation).

I didn't tell anyone my living situation. I told them I decided to take my work on the road and so on, but people are apparently quite nosey and want to pry. I'll get used to it, I'm sure, but it will take time.

(It's kind of hard to explain that I'm taking some time to travel when I haven't even left the city where I'm born yet. LOL)

 

[JuliaAnne2018]

Addendum:

The hardest thing was going to the food pantry because I won't have money until Friday. I didn't want the man assisting me with picking out the food to follow me to the car to help me with the groceries. He said I could bring the cart back in, but he followed me anyway out there. I can't wait until my tiny house/camper is done. I know I don't want to live in my car for sure. (I only went to that pantry maybe once a year, but this just happened to be one of the times I needed to go -- just after I moved out of my place, so I had a lot of stuff in my car.)

 

[John61CT]

Do your best to move beyond those shame triggers. You don't control others' judgments, just your own reaction to them

I am 100% sure they are not thinking about you as much as you think they do.

Focus on the boundless opportunities ooening to you with more time and experiences to feed your dreams,

actually get some writing done,

let your inspiration and enthusiasm shine through and the world will mirror its approval!

 

[JuliaAnne2018]

Sorry so many posts, but there’s a lot going on and decided to just add an update. I hadn't been outside yet until about a half hour ago as of about 7:30 a.m. It's a beautiful sunrise today. That helps.

Maybe the reason why I was so depressed was because I didn't spend time outside last night. (I decided to sleep indoors and today remove more stuff from my car in case other people need ride places -- people I know around here that might need rides to work or just for socializing, which I will do this afternoon.)

I just have a couple of weeks til I don't have to be in my car if I want to sleep outside too. Just this transition is hard having just moved out of a place I lived in for more than six years with someone else. Six years isn’t an eternity, but it’s the second longest time I ever lived anywhere.

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[wagoneer]

Homeless is a negative term, houseless somewhat better. We all (me) get those knots in our stomachs now and again to deny that is like not realistic/honest. When you have your first really positive experience it will soften the doubts. If you can get together with a likeminded camping buddy try a week or weekend, baby steps. Wishing you the best Adrian.

 

[No Roots]

Hi JuliaAnne,

I am an older women, and have come into this life very quickly after my husband died. First and foremost get rid of the guilt feelings of going to the pantry. It is for EVERYONE. I myself felt hesitant, but when you need, you need. Secondly, try to manage your feelings, there will be a myriad of them. I have only been out here for 5.5 months but I think I ran the gauntlet of emotions. Your Beautiful Sunrise this morning, swim in it, let that renew you. Repeat a affirmation to yourself, I will share mine with you, "You are free, you are beautiful, you are loved", It may sound silly but its helps my well being, and enhance my calm...
Most Importantly...Safety, they mention on this website about Stealth Mode, be sure to read all the posts about it. I am a Urban Camper, Lowes, Home Depot, Walmart, Cracker Barrel, Truck Stops, and Rest Areas. Word of advise, don't sleep in the same parking space, or parking lot if you can help it. Always park under a light, ALWAYS know your surroundings and have an escape route. If someone knocks on your door...MOVE.
I wish you many safe travels. Remember You, and only You are the Captain of your ship.
No Roots

 

[JuliaAnne2018]

I wish you many safe travels. Remember You, and only You are the Captain of your ship.
No Roots

Thanks, No Roots. Also, Home Depot and Walmart have become my second or third homes as far as getting supplies.

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[ChezCheese:-)]

You are on a road trip. Road trips are a fine American tradition. Nobody needs to know where you're headed or how long you plan to be on it. You don't know -- why should they ??

You are not exiling yourself. You are on a road trip. If you learn on this trip that you need place, you will find that place. And there you will be, at your destination.

 

[JuliaAnne2018]

Thanks, ChezCheese.

I think this may be the craziest thing I have ever done, and I hope I'm not going to regret it. I have a feeling a little of the transition stress may dissipate once I am at one planned destination. There's a place only maybe a little more than 30 minutes from here that only charges $15/night for parking. In 2-3 weeks I plan to start staying there with my home made rig and trailer.

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[user 2252]

Get busy living or get busy dieing.

 

[JuliaAnne2018]

Yeah Vonbrown,

Not being guaranteed tomorrow and having a life-changing event happen indirectly to me is part of what made me decide to do this. Kind of a "bucket list" thing I didn't want to wait much longer to fulfill.

I'm in my 40s, and my spouse/S.O. is 10+years my senior and is in an assisted living facility, and until his family decides how much they want me in his life, I figure why not make the most of this time I have. Long story not going to get into too much details about my situation, but this is a little bit of what's going on.

My main regret is too bad we didn't decide to do this together before he had to go there. But at least I have the chance still.

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[SLB_SA]

JuliaAnne2018: I hope you are keeping a journal and writing every day. Everything you are going through right now could be a great resource you can mine in a few years.

I have thought about being a writer. (I guess I already am because I have one published book and 40-50 published articles.) I should say I have thought of becoming a fiction writer. All of my (good and) bad experiences may be a gold mine for my writing someday; I have far more good than bad experiences.

Best wishes on your journey.

 

[frater secessus]

Do your best to move beyond those shame triggers.

Although I have struggled with shame issues in the past, the last few years I've made a lot of progress. So when I encountered situations like OP is describing they might be a bit awkward but not shame-inducing.

Drugs (legal and otherwise), booze, academia, and chasing skirt didn't work for me but "outing" my fears and doubts really did.

The city where I stealth is defined by quirks of geography so people usually ask what part of the town one lives in. I answer something like "I built an offgrid camper so I live all over the place, wherever I want". All the responses so far have been neutral or positive. Sometimes envious.

For OP, it might be worth trying something like this with folks carrying stuff to the car: "put that in garage" (for trunk) or "living room" (for back seat) with smile that suggests it's as valid as any other arrangements.

Humans are survivors; we have been finding places to live for tens of thousands of years. I was just in the ruins of a pre-Pueblo cliff dwelling in the Gila national forest. It was impressive, but if someone asked them where they lived they might have said "we live in a hole in the ground."

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[crofter]

I do call the back of the van the garage. Thought everyone did.

Folks seem to be envious of the van, but less so when my ride was the 4X4. It must be a thing coming from society, cause there are times I really miss my 4X4, even though the van is big and pretty and I can stand up in it. 

For me one of the big challenges starting out was personal organization (finding stuff) and finding good boondocking. There are a lot of good places to camp, but starting out it was hard for me to recognize what is a good place to camp. And getting in the habit of just parking and going to bed, without messing up your stealth by doing stuff outside.

It was also very good for my psyche to go to a gathering and be around some folks with more time on the road. Try that.    ~crofter

 

[Dingfelder]

Shame does seem to be a big part of this thread.

It's a rare person who cannot be shamed, and perhaps not a fortunate or admirable one. Shame is real and worth listening to, but not necessarily either friend or enemy.

OP, I hope you find your peace day by day and long-term too, when you can. The way you stated some of your fears and feelings, and how tightly they seemed to me to be bound to shame and self-consciousness, made me think that it is not the change of circumstance involved with becoming a nomad that is the core of what's bothering you. In other words, I wonder if either moving or staying will change anything. I hope you don't set yourself up for disappointment by having unrealistic expectations about what either one will do for you.

 

[JeffJones]

Hi JulieAnne
I kinda know how you feel. When I started my adventures which is fairly recent, people thought I was homeless when I told them I live in my van.
I started saying my class B RV and my home base is California East Bay. It seemed to make a huge difference. My van will be like a class B RV soon.
They would not say a word if it was a class a,b, or c motorhome.
Hang in there if you can, it gets better, it has for me. Do it, on the road for six months then reevaluate and then sell what you have and go back, orkeep what you have and go forward.

 

[RoamerRV428]

you cut big ties to your life and you will have a lot of big feelings about doing just that. it is ok. it is ok to work thru those emotions about your new adventures.

when you get your new rig to live in everything will seem different. right now it sounds like you are caught in that 'between zone' in a way. Your more 'routine' type lifestyle will come as you move forward and I bet you will be back here saying how much your love your new life and all that it brings and all your fears will be dropped by the roadside as you travel

best of luck to you and you must write about your new travels!

 

[JuliaAnne2018]

Funny cause just yesterday I was thinking maybe I'm not cut out for this then something happened this evening that made me glad I had an alternative.

Somebody who had offered me a couch in her basement recently said I could crash there sometimes just not all the time because they just rent and the landlord wouldn't want two dogs there...which is ok with me because at least I can do my writing work on their wifi.

But idk she drinks a lot and snapped at me tonight and I just packed up the two armfuls of stuff I had there and went back to the shed/shack I had stayed in for four days already in my uncle's back yard.

The only clincher is that I had to dump off my 3/4 of a structure at her house, which is now four pieces in her garage. Long story short: I thought the max vehicle height pertained to any vehicle, so I thought I was doing good at only 4 feet above my car LOL. I had it secure enough too but oh well had to take it down. [emoji57]

So now I can't finish building til I get my trailer, which I hope to have in 2-3 weeks.

For now, I've got a dwelling about the size of my trailer with what I need to keep my dog and me warm or cool.

I figure I have a window of about two weeks to get my rig made before it starts to cool down.

The spot I'm staying in is covered with tarp, but I'm hoping it will be enough to stop at least most of water from infiltrating into this space.



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